Righty! I much prefer your History now, it has a bit more direction and is more concise. However, there are a few writing-style comments I think it might be best to discuss now before I let you loose on the ship!
Firstly, your history still suffers from a lack of detail. Almost every sentence is a new event, and even then sentences tend to be short.
For example:
Can become:
With this example it's also quite apparent that you type like how you would tell someone the story, rather than how a book would be read. Although this can add some personality to your posts it does make it harder to read, and often seems a bit scattered.
Anyway, I'd love it if you could read through your history again - maybe break it up into smaller paragraphs and think about how you could expand each bit to make it more descriptive - something which you'd expect to find in a book or likewise.
Firstly, your history still suffers from a lack of detail. Almost every sentence is a new event, and even then sentences tend to be short.
For example:
Can become:
With this example it's also quite apparent that you type like how you would tell someone the story, rather than how a book would be read. Although this can add some personality to your posts it does make it harder to read, and often seems a bit scattered.
Anyway, I'd love it if you could read through your history again - maybe break it up into smaller paragraphs and think about how you could expand each bit to make it more descriptive - something which you'd expect to find in a book or likewise.
