dear cloudy skies
( im writing this for the second time...hopefully it doesnt shut me out again)
i need to post this because i have to get it off my chest. ( yes even though ive written this all out already.and i know it will lose some of the initial emotion. i need it to be.. somewhere people can see it and not just in my head.)
as i said ive in a previous post ive only not listened twice...
the first time i was 11.. i was in an online chatroom.. talking to this girl who was maybe 16-18 years old. she was very sad and scared she told me she had been considering suicide and needed help. we talked for hours i tried my best to help her to make her laugh to do anything.. eventually she gave me her number.. needed me to call her to talk her down. i got off the internet after writing it down grabbed the house phone and went into my room. i knew i had to call her but.. i was so scared... i just stared at her phone number for what seemed like forever.. then i folded the paper up and put it into my drawer and shut it. not long after at school i picked up a newspaper to check out the comics and i saw her picture, she had indeed killed herself.
the second time i was a freshman in high school
he was my friend, but during this particular point in time we werent exactly friendly.
i had transferred schools for a few years and when i came back he had changed. i was a dorky kid and people liked to mess with me or try to fight me and he wasnt really an exception. i always tried to avoid fights though to avoid getting kicked out of school or sent to juvie. i still remember the way he looked at me.. glaring.. ill never forget it.....im not sure why but he had chased me to one of my classes looking to fight and this time i just felt so strongly i should go out there and punch him right in the face.. he just stood there at the door waiting ..but that wasnt me.. it wasnt who i was and i couldnt understand the feeling at all. and for some reason it took all my strength to turn and just sit down.. and i dont think i regret anything more
when he got home his father shot him in the head, then shot his sister ( who lived) and then killed himself.
i cant help but feel that if i had gone out to fight him it would have been different, maybe his mom would have come and picked him up. maybe we would have went to juvie, maybe because the police were there his father would have lost his nerve.. and after everything else ive been through in my life.. its something i have a hard time not believing i could have changed.
the next day in school they made us write a paper on how his death effected us in our home room. how we felt and everything, to see if we needed grief counselors maybe.. i told my teacher that i had felt guilty for his death.. told him everything i just wrote out here. but i never got anything back about it. nobody came to talk to me.. the teacher refused to even look at me. my friend had been in every one of this teachers clubs, and apparently was one of his favorite students i had learned the next year. i spent the rest of the year reading books in the corner in silence... i dont think im the only person who blames myself for his death.
a bunch of friends and i went to his showing one day during school one of our moms picked us up
i remember the crushing guilt i felt being there watching everyone around me cry as i stood in the corner alone, afraid of going inside the show room, i couldnt cry.. a friend had mocked his death the day after the incident and i slammed him into the wall i shed a single tear but thats all i could do.
i cant count all the times ive wished i could cry.
eventually we did line up to see the casket they had fixed up his face with makeup and something else but when i went to look at his face, i saw a gaping hole, and the same scowl he had the last time i saw him, i quickly made my way outside and tried to escape into the clouds while we waited for our ride. not long after my friends joined me all i could do was stare at my tie. then our fourth grade teacher came up..told us how proud she was of all of us.. came up and gave each of us a hug.. and at that point i felt all of it.. all the guilt.. it was my fault everyone was here im the cause of everyone's grief that day and im accepting a hug.. i couldn't do anything.. couldn't say anything to anyone about any of this i just sat there silently.
and i made it clear to myself i would never ignore that feeling.. that voice that.. whatever you want to call it again.
even though its destroyed me. even though ive been emotionally shattered into pieces. gone crazy, alienated myself from my friends and hurt people who mean more than anything in the world to me..ive never stopped listening.
last night that man i saved my most recent ..." job" from showed up at her work, not long after she dropped me off at home . i was at her house with her, and i cant stop myself from thinking, he knew where she lived if i hadnt been there what could have happened. the second time in a week a single feeling saved someone.. maybe not from death, but with this person being a convicted felon with warrants out for his arrest for violent crimes i dont think it would be something nice. luckily they arrested him there at the store
these are the reasons i always listen... there are many more.. many more things i will post here
because i simply can not talk about them..
and also because i want you to know... i want you to read this because maybe... maybe theres someone out there like me, who listens..for whatever reason... even if it destroys them.. even if you think they dont care or they have hurt you..even if it goes against everything they stand for or makes them look like a complete idiot.. there might be someone out there who absolutely loves you and is willing, or has already done something to make your life better.
or theres someone in here who knows.. knows what im going through.. feels that crushing responsibility.. avoids people because of it.. and i want them to know they arent alone.
that i love them and i promise that even though life sucks.. alot. its always going to end up working out.
its going to be ok.. for all of us.. i promise.