Dear Anonymous

dear .. website...

seriously.. i just wrote a huge thing and you logged me out..not cool -_-

dear cloudy skies

( im writing this for the second time...hopefully it doesnt shut me out again)

i need to post this because i have to get it off my chest. ( yes even though ive written this all out already.and i know it will lose some of the initial emotion. i need it to be.. somewhere people can see it and not just in my head.)

as i said ive in a previous post ive only not listened twice...

the first time i was 11.. i was in an online chatroom.. talking to this girl who was maybe 16-18 years old. she was very sad and scared she told me she had been considering suicide and needed help. we talked for hours i tried my best to help her to make her laugh to do anything.. eventually she gave me her number.. needed me to call her to talk her down. i got off the internet after writing it down grabbed the house phone and went into my room. i knew i had to call her but.. i was so scared... i just stared at her phone number for what seemed like forever.. then i folded the paper up and put it into my drawer and shut it. not long after at school i picked up a newspaper to check out the comics and i saw her picture, she had indeed killed herself.

the second time i was a freshman in high school
he was my friend, but during this particular point in time we werent exactly friendly.
i had transferred schools for a few years and when i came back he had changed. i was a dorky kid and people liked to mess with me or try to fight me and he wasnt really an exception. i always tried to avoid fights though to avoid getting kicked out of school or sent to juvie. i still remember the way he looked at me.. glaring.. ill never forget it.....im not sure why but he had chased me to one of my classes looking to fight and this time i just felt so strongly i should go out there and punch him right in the face.. he just stood there at the door waiting ..but that wasnt me.. it wasnt who i was and i couldnt understand the feeling at all. and for some reason it took all my strength to turn and just sit down.. and i dont think i regret anything more

when he got home his father shot him in the head, then shot his sister ( who lived) and then killed himself.

i cant help but feel that if i had gone out to fight him it would have been different, maybe his mom would have come and picked him up. maybe we would have went to juvie, maybe because the police were there his father would have lost his nerve.. and after everything else ive been through in my life.. its something i have a hard time not believing i could have changed.

the next day in school they made us write a paper on how his death effected us in our home room. how we felt and everything, to see if we needed grief counselors maybe.. i told my teacher that i had felt guilty for his death.. told him everything i just wrote out here. but i never got anything back about it. nobody came to talk to me.. the teacher refused to even look at me. my friend had been in every one of this teachers clubs, and apparently was one of his favorite students i had learned the next year. i spent the rest of the year reading books in the corner in silence... i dont think im the only person who blames myself for his death.

a bunch of friends and i went to his showing one day during school one of our moms picked us up
i remember the crushing guilt i felt being there watching everyone around me cry as i stood in the corner alone, afraid of going inside the show room, i couldnt cry.. a friend had mocked his death the day after the incident and i slammed him into the wall i shed a single tear but thats all i could do.

i cant count all the times ive wished i could cry.

eventually we did line up to see the casket they had fixed up his face with makeup and something else but when i went to look at his face, i saw a gaping hole, and the same scowl he had the last time i saw him, i quickly made my way outside and tried to escape into the clouds while we waited for our ride. not long after my friends joined me all i could do was stare at my tie. then our fourth grade teacher came up..told us how proud she was of all of us.. came up and gave each of us a hug.. and at that point i felt all of it.. all the guilt.. it was my fault everyone was here im the cause of everyone's grief that day and im accepting a hug.. i couldn't do anything.. couldn't say anything to anyone about any of this i just sat there silently.

and i made it clear to myself i would never ignore that feeling.. that voice that.. whatever you want to call it again.

even though its destroyed me. even though ive been emotionally shattered into pieces. gone crazy, alienated myself from my friends and hurt people who mean more than anything in the world to me..ive never stopped listening.

last night that man i saved my most recent ..." job" from showed up at her work, not long after she dropped me off at home . i was at her house with her, and i cant stop myself from thinking, he knew where she lived if i hadnt been there what could have happened. the second time in a week a single feeling saved someone.. maybe not from death, but with this person being a convicted felon with warrants out for his arrest for violent crimes i dont think it would be something nice. luckily they arrested him there at the store

these are the reasons i always listen... there are many more.. many more things i will post here
because i simply can not talk about them..

and also because i want you to know... i want you to read this because maybe... maybe theres someone out there like me, who listens..for whatever reason... even if it destroys them.. even if you think they dont care or they have hurt you..even if it goes against everything they stand for or makes them look like a complete idiot.. there might be someone out there who absolutely loves you and is willing, or has already done something to make your life better.

or theres someone in here who knows.. knows what im going through.. feels that crushing responsibility.. avoids people because of it.. and i want them to know they arent alone.
that i love them and i promise that even though life sucks.. alot. its always going to end up working out.

its going to be ok.. for all of us.. i promise.

Hmm, I don't like going on rants, so I'll keep this short.

Dear personality type -

Intellect is a talent - a talent of comprehension and articulation, perhaps, but not one meant for gloating and belittling. Like all talents and skills, it only means something if you use it to contribute to society and the bettering of lives of those who may not have that talent. Truly talented actors, writers, and directors do not look down on those who do not have their same talents, but do their best to bring some sort of empathy of emotional catharsis to those presented to their talents. They do not spend their days putting their audience into graves.

Dear personality type... truly talented people don't gloat. They contribute to a team called society to help others become better people and understand themselves a little better. It is not meant to be a field where you stomp on those below you. So be a gentle giant, okay? Use your talents for - and we've been taught this basic concept from the age of two... Use your talents for love and empathy. Because those things exist. You're just contributing to the wave of anger and hatred against it because you're tired of the wave of anger and hatred.

dear anonymous

I don't know why you won't just leave me alone. We're pretty irreconcilable at this point and your unapologetic attitude hasn't made things any better. I miss the old you, my first real friend in all of high school, when it was us against the world, but you've turned into a complete jerk and I have better people to spend my time with. What you did to me at the party certainly hasn't helped with my opinion of you. I want you to leave me alone, and stop telling my what hair colors are "proper".

da

I guess I always realized it, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. We joke, laugh, play flirt and talk to each other but at the end of the day it's nothing special just simple play. You do the same for so many others at all times of the day and I'm just here stuck thinking on you. I know I should try to move on, to stop thinking about you and wishing for things that won't ever be. But it's hard when you're always right there in front of me. I can't get you out of my head and it's killing me. I just want it all to end one way or the other.

Dear Anonymoose;

I actually enjoy being the Soundboard Guy in spite of me acting like I hate it. Don't tell anyone.

DA

How about you pay us more if you're going to consistently ask for the near impossible. None of us have enough arms to do that shit.

Dear Anonymous,
I'm glad that you are out my life now to be honest, even if I did love you. You did not accept me for who I am and you didn't accept my choices and my gender issues. You were toxic to me and I am sad I did not realize it sooner. However, I am with someone better now whom makes me happier. I hope you end up regretting not accepting me for who I am.

DA,

Dear Anonymoose;

I hope you're doing alright. I still haven't dropped that mixtape like I said I would, but I did wind up getting really good at fighting games. #TheStruggleIsReal, so one promise at a time.

P.S: You still owe me that bag of Juicy Twists. Run my fade, dawg.

DA,

Goodbye. Seriously.

da,

LMAO I WISH YOU'D COME BACK FOR GOOD I'M STILL LAUGHING. It was great seeing you again today at lunch. We HAVE to do this again because it made my week. love you xoxo

dear....

its been a rough month with you. youve pushed me away, afraid ill get too close and just leave as i thought. yet even though theres been alot of times where i just feel empty i dont think ive ever really felt this way about anyone and that scares me just as much because i knew what i had to say.. for myself.

before i could open my mouth you told me you dreamt you helped me find a position as a symphony conductor , even though you knew this is my life dream, it still flattened me. and i just sat there for hours talking about everything but what i came there to talk about. and my heart simply continued to grow for you. like it does with every single word you dont use to push me away.

when i finally started to talk it just sat there in my throat , you grew impaitent and all i could do was move positions till i finally forced it out, that i wanted to be there for you that you mattered to me more than anything asking you to please stop pushing me away. but i never really finished.not only is it against my nature to give up on people but i really didnt want to lose any part of you.

i never said " or ill disapear." or " " if not i have to leave."

i said " i dont like giving up on people" ..." i never want you to feel alone.."

i looked you in the eyes after kissing you goodnight.. i asked you to think about it

i left it open

im sure youll still come around. i hope you change your mind

if you dont.. if you cant let yourself be open to me i will let you walk away, but not before i tell you i love you.

dear overly compassionate self.

chill out a little bit

i know you got this whole self sacrifice thing going on and thats cool and all.. youve helped alot of people.

but its high time you learned to stop giving yourself completely to everyone. particularly those who are ungrateful and dont care.

youre sweet you really are, but dial it back a little.. its very hard to recover from your self destructive tendency . a little love for yourself goes along way

sincerely the very exhausted parts that put you back together

Dear Anonymous(es)

Do your mother fucking dishes yeah? They've been sitting on the counter for a week now, and the pot is starting to smell. Actually, it has smelled for a few days. Our coffee cups you guys use are almost ruined from mold stains... that's not cool. Your girlfriend is a fat, lazy, useless blob who uses the excuse "I don't like to clean" to not clean. Are you srs rn my nigga? We're sick of putting up with your birds chirping at 4AM too, can you not put a fucking sheet over him?

We were best friends when we moved in together, and I'll always love you. But bro, I've lost so much respect for you observing your living habits. You need to grow up, we're not kids anymore. We're in our 20s, brother. C'mon eh?

Dear Anonymous

Go home. I like you man, you're like family and have been for years. I don't need to see you every goddamn day though. For the love of all things good in this world go home so I can go back to enjoying my day.

Dear Anonymous,

I fell in love with you. You have a cute face and a good attitude. I wish we will become husband and wife. I hope i have money to give you flowers.

DA,

Why would you come back into my life just to ignore me? You sent me the first message, are you just trying to mess with me?

Dear Anonymous,

I just can't. I always keep dreaming of you every night. I can not live like this. I always dream of you. I always liked you all along. Ever since I saw you, I can't help it. Always remember I will always be with you, forever.....

(This is not directed at any member on any Pokemon forum or any site that anyone here knows about.)

Dear Anonymous,

As of the behavior you've consistently generated since October of last year...

Just...go. Go back under the fucking bridge and spare all of us from your existence.

I do not understand why you exist.

I don't understand how you're allowed to exist.

I sure as hell don't understand how you were able to make friends.

And I really don't fucking know why your family hasn't disowned you and figured out how to lock you away for good.

The fact that scum like you exist contributes to why I get pissed off so easily, and you got no god damn clue on how fortunate you actually are.

The screen that you cower behind is the only thing that's kept you safe from people who absolutely despise you.

While I'm certainly not the type who'd put an end to someone over words, there's a lot of freaks on the internet who would, and if the government puts an ends to anonymity, I can tell that dumbasses like you are going to be spending the rest of your lives in bunkers, or will cower in your basements until you're forgotten about.

I'm not usually a sadist that enjoys people's agony, but if you suffer for THAT shit you spewed, I'd give up everything to see that once every day for the rest of my life.

One more thing, don't bitch about me loathing you. The hatred I feel towards you is fucking child's play compared to the person who despises you the most in life.