[Other Original] 14 spirits

[DLA]

Author's note: This story is about a 12 year old boy named Liam finding a weird letter with apparent telekenetic powers, as far as he's concerned, waking up in a world called Windostria, meeting two unlikely travelers, going to deliver a package, returning someone's coat, and learning that he and the 14 others of the stone drawings are the only ones in the way of the universe's demise at the knees of darkness. A 12 year old wacko and a bunch of idiots. Well... say your prayers!
Keep in mind that this is the REAL universe, and of course, regardless of age, there's gonna be some violent / creepy / dark undertone. Liam may be 12, but that doesn't mean he isn't gonna struggle through harsh things. Like parental divorce. Actually, this is after that... but you know what I mean. There is actually a replacement for alcohol of sorts. Same effect; different thing. Also, remember kids, dying is bad, don't do it. That is all, now knock yourselves out.


The reason I'm telling you this is because I couldn't keep it in any longer... I wasn't doing anything wrong, but I wasn't doing anything at all.
I felt like somebody should know...
...shouldn't they?
I just wanted-needed-to tell someone...
Like you.
Unlike others, you seem to sit and listen to my story...
...perhaps...?
No, that's ridiculous...
Oh... sorry...
Now... about that story...

Well, this school day is boring... how unexpected... Well, actually, the day was fine until a gosh dang envelope torpedoed into my hair!
Ugh... manners?
Anyway... this letter in my hair... wazzit say? I wanna know.
As if by fate, you stumbled upon a letter. You had this feeling... right...
Liam?
...derp.
Oh, hey, more words, yippee!
REARRANGE MISSING LETTERS ON OTHER SIDE
Ooooooooookaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy.....
Flip over the paper, I guess.
S i f te you l on r. h
OH! It's a puzzle thingy!
...

in your left Shoe.
That's what it says.
Wait...
I felt around my left shoe.
Sure enough, there it was:
MOAR PAPER!!!
THIS one says:
You leave at 8. Tell your family. 7 hours and 9 minutes remain.
I froze.
It was 12 : 51. Do the math.
THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY BAD.
VERY REALLY HIGHLY OFFSCALE HOLY CRAP NOT GOOD.
BA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A D.
My timer says there's 13 seconds til 8... oh cru

Blackness...

"Who's that?" asked Elise. "I dunno," replied Ken, "probably just the scraggly runt he appears to be." "Yeah," the "runt" replied, "like Maniac Magee."
Seriously, that's offensive. "Oh... sorry...?" said the guy-whose-name-I-did-not-know-yet-it-turned-out-to-be-Ken. "I-I'm Elise," said...yeah. "I'm Ken." Told ya. "I'm Liam... now uh... where are we?" "You're in Wishfall town." "Where's that?" "Don't you know anything? Windostria, of course. That's our planet. Plan-et. You know what that is?" ...Holy crap, Ken... rude?
"So... uh... I'm free... you guys need anything?" I asked, nonchalantly as you please. "Well, we do have this package to deliver..." explained Mr. Temper tantrum. That's his name now, by the way, behind Ken's back. "We need you to deliver this to Bally, Leo, and Truth. They said they needed it for 'specific purposes'." He clearly doesn't know what he's saying. "Whadda they look like?" I asked. "You'll... know'em when you see'em..." said KenIMEAN Mr. Temper tantrum.
Oooooooooookaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyagain.
"So where do I go?"
"Whereabouts cafe," said Elise,"To get there, simply take the bridge across the Desert of sighs, around the Forest of Solitude, turn right, and avoiding the Swamp of Regret, take the shortcut. It's a lot quicker and safer that way. Anyway, continue down, go up to the door, knock three times with your right hand, wait 1 second, knock 2 more times with your left hand, say you come for the believers, shake his left hand with you right, go into the left room, talk to the man with the red fedora, ask for a rank 3 room for a night, wake up, walk into the lobby, spin around 3 times and voila!" 32 seconds. I counted.
...
"...Okee dokee."
And then I left.
Went around the desert forest bridge magic whatchamacallit.
Now for the cut of the short... right arou
SMACK.
OW... STUPID WALLS...
Huh? More papers? MORE papers? MORE PAPERS?
Shortcut under construction. However, a temporary bridge is open.
Whew... close call.
So what's so bad about this spooky scawy swaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAA
One smack later...
Great, now what? I'm lost, confused, in pain, being chased by monsters...
being chased by monsters...
being chased by monsters...
BEING CHASED BY MONSTERS, LIAM.
"Oh for the love of great aunt Susy's beloved polka dot panties, what the crud are those things!?"
Three eagle-like beings with purple and black feathers and jet-black beaks and orange eyes were chasing me just because.
All because of that bridge...creaky, stupid, dumb...and...and...stupid.
Now I'm going to die, I better confess that I
Oh hey, I'm out.

 

[Nolafus]

I'm afraid this chapter is far too short. I don't require a lot from the fics that pop up in my section, but I would like the chapters to be longer than this one. If we take out all of the spacing, there's hardly anything there. It's not a good sign when I can rip through a chapter in less than five minutes, especially since I'm not a fast reader.

The writing style is unique, and definitely leaves out a lot of details, but I have a feeling that's what you were going for. I do take into consideration the writing style when I restrict stories, but I'm afraid this still doesn't cut it. What you have right here is one event in your story. One event doesn't make up a chapter. A chapter is made up of several different events, and that's what I would like to see here. Just keep going, and you'll be fine.

In short, I'm going to ask that you work on this chapter some more before you post the next one. Once you feel like you have done the work, shoot me a VM/PM, and I'll come check it out. Hopefully, we'll be all good to go!