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A broken soul

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Siimo

Siimo

Rawr.
    • 765
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Chapter 1: Shinx


    Siimo was taking a walk in the wood behind his house in Sea Life City and all of the sudden he heard something. "What was that???" he thought to himself. He took a few more steps then he heard it again. "It sounds like a Pokemon" he said. Siimo tried to track down but couldn't. Then a Shinx ran to him and hid between his legs. "Whoa! It's a Shinx." Siimo said. Then he looked up and saw a flock of Butterfree. Then the butterfree stoped right above Siimo and Shinx. The flock of butterfree then looked around and spotted Shinx. The butterfree then shot down and tried to use Poison Sting. But before they could Siimo grabbed a branch of a tree and swated at them and tried to stab them by throwing sticks and rocks that scared the butterfree away.

    "Ok Shinx you're ok now" Siimo said while walking away. But Shinx had not gone away, It was following Siimo. Siimo turned around and said "Shinx you're free to go." But Shinx came up to him and started to rub his head on Siimo. Siimo smiled and said "Ummm... You want to come with me don't you?". Shinx meowed. "Well ok..." said Siimo while picking up Shinx. He ran to his house as fast as he could and almost tripped twice.


    "Mom! Can I have some money to buy a Pokeball???" Said Siimo. "Why?" Said Siimo's mom. Siimo walked into the living room. "Eeeeeeeeeee!!! Put that wild Pokemon outside where it belongs!" Shreaked Siimo's mom. "But mom... It won't stop following me." Siimo said while sitting down on the loveseat. "I don't care" Said his mom. "Well thats why I need money for a Pokeball! I think it wants to be my Pokemon.". "NO!!!" said mom. "Please??? Please??? Please??? Please??? Please???" Siimo begged. "N-O! said mom. "Uuhg fine" Siimo said walking out of the room with Shinx. Siimo quietly walked upstairs to his moms room and looked though her purse. He saw 200 Poke and took it. "Ok Shinx to the PokeMart" Siimo Whispered.
     
    Last edited:

    chomp

    Mors Ontologica
    • 75
    Posts
    16
    Years
    1) Beedrill would not likely be scared off by some kid waving at them
    2) New paragraph when a person speaks
    3) That isn't a chapter, more of a paragraph
    4) The story is unoriginal, at best. Fledgling trainer saves Pokemon's life, they form a deep bond and go on an adventure. Sound familiar?

    All in all, I think this thread is under severe risk of being closed, as it is rushed, short and features numerous structural errors
     
    Siimo

    Siimo

    Rawr.
    • 765
    Posts
    16
    Years
    chomp said:
    1) Beedrill would not likely be scared off by some kid waving at them
    2) New paragraph when a person speaks
    3) That isn't a chapter, more of a paragraph
    4) The story is unoriginal, at best. Fledgling trainer saves Pokemon's life, they form a deep bond and go on an adventure. Sound familiar?

    All in all, I think this thread is under severe risk of being closed, as it is rushed, short and features numerous structural errors
    Click to expand...

    Ok But did the chapter say Siimo was a trainer? Or go on a quest? NO!
     

    Roxy

    What goes here? o__0
    • 53
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Hmm...it`s a good start but, I think there`s a problem with the wording, the fact that the Beedrill were scared away by a kid, and there are many grammatical errors. =3
     

    Tailow_r.a

    Music junkie
    • 72
    Posts
    16
    Years
    I think you did very well Siimo. :)
    I don't see anything wrong with it.
    Mabey Beedrill wouldn't get scared off; but hey, its your imagination. ;)
    Keep up the good work!!
    I'd like to see more!! :D
     

    Starway

    Artist and Gamer
    • 387
    Posts
    16
    Years
    Nice not anything wrong with it's cool that u change a swarm of beedril with a swarm of buterfree but there harmless but still a good story
     

    Lily

    ◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
    • 3,329
    Posts
    19
    Years
    Protip(s):

    • When a new dialogue is begun, start a new paragraph.
    • Action isn't supported. Everything is stated very bluntly; it makes it uninteresting to the readers.
    • Excessive question marks do NOT emphasize a point. What's the difference between this?????????????????????????? And simply this? If you want emphasis, try ?!
    • Butterfrees don't make things better.
    • Make chapter longer. Everything is rushed and underdeveloped--combining that with your not-so-original plot, the story just..clashes.
     
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