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- Seen Oct 12, 2016
This isn't one of the topics on my to-do list, but my cousins came over this weekend so it was ALL pokemon talk. Somehow the conversation shifted over to Pokemon XD Gale of Darkness, and I did a little review on that game. I can't believe it wasn't absolutely ridiculed by someone on YouTube, and as I was talking it over, I had a revelation on just what a crack-head piece of work it is. I never thought about it before, but this could be the only thing Pokemon Company ever put out that was worse than Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
The game starts off with a buff sailor and a skinny little weiner driving a ship over the ocean, when suddenly two helicopters from Cipher come along and Dark Lugia appears overhead. The entire security personnel, AKA said two sailors, get flung off the ship and left for dead in the ocean . . . meanwhile Dark Lugia hauls the ship away.
At first, this doesn't seem like too bad a game. They did a good job with the graphics, when you get over the whole "people don't actually look like that" thing. You start off with a battle in virtual reality which you easily win, before logging off the system to find your widowed mom. Apparently Daddy died, but it hardly matters, as he's very briefly mentioned only three times in the entire plot, then instantly forgotten. Anyway, Mom says that your sister Jovi has gone missing, and tells you to find her. She was playing Hide and Seek, but apparently no bondaries were established because she runs ALL THE WAY TO DR. WEIRD'S HOUSE. Yeah, I'm calling him Dr. Weird. In fact, I'm going to be giving titles to a lot of these people, which are much more suitable for them.
So you go to Dr. Weird's house, which is apparently so far away that you need a mechanical scooter to cover the distance. I can't help but wonder how Jovi managed this exodus of a walk, but whatever, it's still early in the game. You get to Dr. Weird's doorstep, when a midget who Yoda would dwarf in size leaps out at you and immediately battles you. Some guard he is . . . you face the fury of his level 6 Sunkern, which your Eevee kills in one, sometimes two hits. The midget, Chobin, finally decides to look at his opponent after already losing, and recognizes at last that it's only you. He needs new glasses.
I noticed about two sentences into his dialogue that Chobin speaks in third person. I thought that was rather weird, but it didn't really bother me until I found Jovi was doing it TOO. The hell-?! Well, just ignore it, I guess. The producers of this game probably thought they were clever, because you're given the option to take a look at all of Dr. Weird's ridiculous inventions, all designed specifically to make the world worse. Oh boy, a lightbulb that takes up twelve times more electricity than usual . . . hysterical, you guys. These games have really gone downhill since Crystal.
Jovi is bothering Dr. Weird (again, apparently), so you take her back to the lab before she can piss him off further. Upon arriving home, the scientists welcome you with a little present. You see, they made a snag machine (like the previous game's) capable of capturing somebody else's owned pokemon . . . to be used for good, of course. But these labcoat-wearing geniuses were apparently still too stupid to remember to make it big enough to fit on their arms. So they have you wear it, as if expecting you to ever have to use it. Ever-so-conveniently, not even a full minute after getting the snag machine, a group of uniform-wearing weirdos spontaneously attack the lab and drag off the head professor dude. You chase after them, and they battle you with the terrifying shadow pokemon that was holding everyone else at bay: a level 11 Teddiursa. I mean, come on, really? I'm pretty sure that Cooltrainer girl with the Kirlia could have done the job, but whatever.
The Cipher goons just watch your battle the whole time, rather than making a run for it with the Professor in their possession. However, after you've captured Shadow Teddiursa, they get bored and pick up where they left off. You run after their car, but of course your short little legs are no match for their 300 horsepower engine. So you lose your head doctor, boo-hoo. Everyone at the lab is crushed, but Mom decides to keep up the effort of the Purify machine without it. The Purify machine, by the way, is what turns artifically-evil shadow pokemon good again. Apparently, even though there were no sightings of shadow Pokemon for the last few years and Cipher (the makers of shadow pokemon) was supposedly done for, your lab groupies somehow knew they'd be back . . . hence, a purify chamber in progress. But they're missing a part for it, and since everyone has to pick up the slack without their head professor, you're in charge of picking up the final machine part. Well . . . Jovi is, but you come along as her escort. And some escort you are. Your level 12 Eevee can surely take anything that comes your way, mm-hm.
. . . or not. You reach Gateon Port, only to immediately run into a giant hulking freak-job named Zook. Seriously, who names their kid "Zook"? You know, maybe that's why he became a thug. Then again, as you continue to play this game, you'll notice a lot of really odd names. If I had to guess, I'd say Pokemon Company ditched normal names and just put together a quick-and-easy machine that compiled a bunch of letters together with one or two vowels in each, then passed them off as "names." No Georges, no Bills, no Julias . . . no, you've got people named Eagun. Look at me with a straight face and tell me THAT name was suggested by a sober person.
But back to Zook. Jovi crashes into him and he gets immediately pissy at her for doing it. I mean, he flips out. Somebody's been skipping his therapy sessions. You and Jovi are about to get thumped by Zook when Mr. Verich, aka Greevil, aka Buddha, comes along and tells him to knock it off. Buddha Son A steps forward and clobbers his level 27 Zangoose with a 40-something Alakazam. See, this is Pokemon Company's way of telling you "your pokemon suck at this point in the game, so wipe that arrogant smirk off your face." Zook flips out when he loses, but intelligently runs away so that Alakazam doesn't mind-rape him. You thank Buddha and continue along your way, never once suspecting that you've just run into the main villain of the game. Hmm, does this seem familiar at all?
. . .
. . .
. . . oh yeah, it does. I can actually picture it right in this second of time, five years ago. There's a white-haired bandit in a stupid duster cloak, talking to a Sephiroth ripoff in a dress, after meeting the completely harmless, not evil, jolly fat mayor of Phenac City. Sorry guys, I get it, but it doesn't work twice. This game, I recognized my main adversary instantly. Buddha's back, and he's pissed.
Anyway, the Machine Part. You go into the repair shop to pick it up, but I think it's not ready yet. I don't quite remember this part. Whatever really happened, I still ended up walking around the port. It's about this point in the game when I realize for the first time just how utterly retarded these adults truly are. You run into a fourty-year-old guy who owns a shadow Ledyba, and when you capture it right under his eyes, he DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. If you talk to him afterwards, he'll wonder where it went, but honestly . . . if he wasn't intelligent enough to realize you'd captured it, he doesn't deserve it anyway. Not that it's any great loss on his part. It's only Ledyba.
So after a bit of exploring and a little tinkering with some incredibly dangerous bridges with NO RAILINGS, you get to pick up your machine part. If you're like me and talk to everyone you see, you'll find a guy standing there who conveniently happens to have five evolution stones for Eevee. And you just happen to have an Eevee with you, what are the odds? The guy almost poops himself in joy, and offers you a shortcut to Eevee evolution at no charge. And if you've played Collosseum already, you'll know that most of this game revolves around lasting through battles. That means picking an Eeveeloution that can take a buttload of hits.
Here's where I'm going to take a break and map out your team for the game. The real bummer with Gale of Darkness is that you can't get any decent pokemon early on, other than the starter . . . thus, your options are very limited. But there are three main guys that you can count on the whole way through. First, your Eeveeloution . . . Umbreon. Yes, Umbreon. He is better than all of the others. I've checked the stats, I've weighed the usefulness, and I know for a fact he's the best one. They are not equal, people. Other than the beautiful Sycronize ability and Umbreon's whopping . . . TWO weaknesses, you've got immunity from psychics, a defensive tank that will not die, and the only pokemon who gets the S.T.A.B. from Eevee's Bite. Umbreon kicks ass, and that's all there is to it. Alright . . . second pokemon is Ampharos. You get it as a Mareep, but he quickly becomes capable. If you're really persistant, you can have Ampharos before you take on your first boss. He's reliable all the way through. And finally, you have Hoenn's version of Lapras: Walrein! This thing's like a dragon pokemon: it takes forever to make strong, but boy is it tough once it evolves. I've gone through this game depending entirely on these three guys, and I have never regretted doing it. This leaves three open spaces for any shadow pokemon you're trying to purify; definitely a good idea. Plus, the battle experience isn't being spread around and watered down. Teams of six just aren't as effective as the Three Amigos.
Okay, okay, back to the review. You take your new Umbreon back to the lab, and Mom sends you out again almost immediately so that you don't catch on the the affair she's having with one of the Cooltrainers. Hah, I'll bet that lie woke you up! Seriously though, you're in and out of the lab, to Agate Village where Orre's senior citizens reside. The reason for this is because Agate holds the legendary Jesus Stone, which can purify any pokemon ready to open its heart. You find Eagun, and he tells you the only way to cure your Teddiursa is by having it violently rip apart every enemy it sees. Yeah, that's foolproof. I guess the logic behind this is anger-venting. Just have Teddiursa play Super Smash Bros. and he'll be cured in no time. No need to rip other pokemons' eyes out until they faint from blood loss.
Anyway, after pounding your way though x number of trainers, you get to Eagun, who takes you on with the pokemon he's relied on for fifty years. That's right, the creature which made him a legend, the living wonder that lives to pwn noobs . . . a level 12 Pikachu! *Gasps all around* Of course, you kill Pikachu immediately, and Teddiursa opens its heart to the Jesus Stone and becomes purified. After this (and even more easy training at Mt. Battle), a guy with a name I can't recall conveniently remembers that he saw a suspicious van headed towards the desert, and you're finally able to move on. You check out the desert place, which is a base in the middle of f***ing nowhere, with no water supply, electricity supply, nothing. Don't ask me how they got this place running again.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
The Teletubbies come out.
I swear it's them. They're six brothers with a combined I.Q. below 100, who can't seem to get their crap straight about counting off. I'm not sure what was going on in Pokemon Company staff's heads when they made this dialogue, but I guarantee you, they weren't worried in the least about getting fired. I could make crack-head jokes all day about this alone, but the problem is, it won't be funny after a while.
Well, whatever. I guess these guys are so flamboyant because they've all got one shadow pokemon each. Incidentally, these are the ones with Flaffy and Spheal, my teammates for the rest of the game. Once you've dealt with Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La, Po, and the other two Teletubbies, you walk scot-free into the Cipher base and boldly pound aside anyone who dares get in your way. I just love how a majority of the Cipher goons in here happened to duct-tape themselves to the ceiling ahead of time and waited up there for hours, just in case a ten-year-old boy happened to wander into their base. You make everyone's day by giving them reason to jump down, then ruin their day by crushing their faces one by one. When the Cipher males are defeated, they roll away and cringe in terror of you (really?), and when the females lose, they simply break down and sob into their hands. I'm left feeling awful after that. Seriously. The only time I feel worse is when I beat an old lady and am forced to watch her hang her head in shame. Wouldn't that just ruin the game for you?
You know, all but maybe five adults in this game are idiots. At least in the last game, one scientist was intelligent enough to trigger the alarm in this same base, when he lost to you. But NOBODY is smart enough to do that this time! You raid the base, brushing aside the incompetent security personnel, until you finally run into the head honcho in charge.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
She's an eight-year-old valley girl with pink pigtails that come down to her ankles.
And she goes down quickly, too. I suppose if you don't know what you're doing, she is your first real challenge. If you're a veteran pokemon trainer, however, this whole game will be cake up until the third Cipher boss. But for now, you beat Vally Girl. And after she loses, she clumsily drops a disc drive on the ground while escaping. I question why she was carrying it with her to begin with, but this is pokemon, and in pokemon, everything you'll ever need in life is carried with you. I just wonder why nobody spotted it but you. Really, could you not obtain the disc in a cooler way? Perhaps demand the disc from Valley Girl, "or else"? *Sigh* Apparently, clumsily dropping it and not hearing it clatter to the floor was the best Pokemon Company could do.
So you go back to the lab with the head professor dude, then almost immediately head out again to a trash town made completely out of random dumpster parts. I think I'll call it Hooverville. You're sent to Hooverville because there's a radio station there, run by the chief hacker of the Orre region. Was it Nett or Bitt? Either way, lousy names as usual. You go into the radio station, find this kid after a lot of hassle, and then are sent out because Nitt can't yet decipher the disc. During your free time, you go out and meet Duking, who's busy explaining to his T.V. audience about the pokeblocks side quest. Pokemon Company giggles at their old, repetitive joke of Duking getting the announcer lady's voice wrong, and I simply wonder how many thousands of pull-ups he does per day, and where he got that pimp hat from.
You're required to humor Pokemon Company and take interest in Duking's pokeblock sidequest, because if you don't, you'll never progress any further in the game. Duking shows you the third pokeblock location, and when you travel there, you run into two goofballs who I'm gonna call Dumb and Dumber. I see their intelligence hasn't improved since the first game, but they were smart enough to put a locator chip on their boss's back so that they know where he is at all times. That way they can goof off all they like when he isn't nearby. Just then, he enters stage right.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far? Actually, this is probably the most ridiculous part, period.
The boss, Miror B, is Pokemon's MICHAEL JACKSON.
I sh** you not. This is a dancing black man with a GLOVE ON HIS LEFT HAND, wearing women's high heels and a very tight, gay jumpsuit. He's still got his huge pokeball afro on his head, and I think it's even bigger this game than before. And just like last game, he has disco music playing in the background as he pops and jams to it like a fricking maniac. I have now played this game twice, and I still can't believe I'm typing these words. I almost believe that if I play a third time, the game will correct this unforgivable mistake, and I can slowly forget this nightmare over healing time. But no, it's not happening.
So Michael Jackson says "Hoo-hoo! You're going down! Start the music!", and takes you on in another easy battle. I'm not even counting this as a boss battle. MJ loses, and he and Dumb and Dumber take off. Then a bunch of children around your age come out from under their rocks and hail you as their hero for standing up to MJ rather than running from him as most ten-year-old boys would have. I lied again, that didn't happen. It should have, though.
Nitt-wit sends you a message, saying he needs you to get back to the radio tower. So you ride your scooter back to Hooverville, but find out that Cipher has come to raid the building. I didn't mention this before, but there's a buff guy guarding the entrance of the place . . . he's down. What, Cipher got past his 300 pounds of pure muscle, but they fall to your satanic dog, electric sheep, and blubbery sea lion? Well, whatever. Cipher gets beaten and is forced to retreat from you again, and your next destination is Phenac City.
I'd type more, but I'm tired. I'll continue later.
Before I get into part 2, I'd just like to mention how horrible this battling is. I appreciated having an extensive battle intro scene the first couple of times, then after the next thirty I realized it was taking WAY too long to freaking get anything accomplished. Do a quick double battle against some twins in Sapphire, then try a double battle against anyone in this game. It takes at least three times longer to make any progress. As if that wasn't bad enough, the music is HORRIBLE. It repeats every thirty-some seconds, and it hardly ever changes. It's pretty terrible, isn't it, when the gameboy game is better than the game for the big, expensive, three-dimensional Gamecube.
You know what I think? Some big administrator in Pokemon Company went drinking with his buddies, and they decided that they could vomit up anything they liked, and if they slapped the Pokemon label on it, kids would buy it. Maybe the producer of this game did the whole project on a bet. "I'll bet I can make complete crap, and children will still buy this garbage!" Well, he won that bet.
PART 2
Anyway, back to the product of this roomful of trained monkeys. You go to Phenac City, but immediately get sent away to Battle Tower. I WAS GONNA GO TO PHENAC! GO TO PHENAC! So you go back to Phenac, and everyone's acting all suspicious. It's almost as if they're Cipher goons in disguise or something. I'd like to know how they managed to do a 360 turnaround and change clothes during that time. Okay, maybe they wore their stormtrooper uniforms under their disguises. That still doesn't explain where they kept their helmets. And the females wearing skirts, I KNOW they don't have anything covering their legs below the knees. When did they switch from those to their usual tight pants? What, do they change directly in front of you?
I'm getting ahead of myself. First, you need to thoroughly look around, and eventually you'll figure out that you've gotta get to the upstairs of the Mayor's house. To do that, you need to distract the woman guarding the staircase, and that requires finding some music to satisfy her boredom. It turns out that some middle-aged man has the music disc lying on his table, and not only does he happily let you take it for free, but he even lets you sleep in his bed even though you're a complete stranger. What a nice guy. Well anyway, you give the female Cipher member in disguise her girly music, and she completely forgets her job and concentrates entirely on the music. You'd think she'd dance to it or something, but she just stands there in front of the speakers. So you go upstairs and find the mayor's heart-patterned bathrobe on his bed . . . and also a letter to Justy. In case you're mentally retarded and haven't figured it out by now, the letter explains to you that Cipher has indeed taken over the city. I'd question why none of Cipher's grunts thought to confiscate or rip up this evidence against them, but I've already concluded that they're all too stupid.
The lady from Cipher comes up behind you while you're reading this, and you'd probably be okay with that if you were ten years older. She attempts to stop you from delivering the letter to Justy, and of course, fails miserably. But it's not over yet- the Teletubbies are back, and this time they're ALL Justy! You're given two options: fight the morons, or just walk straight into Justy's gym. You go in, get jumped, then foil the villains' efforts. They tell you that you need a key to get down into the basement where all the innocent civillians are being held against their will, and you shake your head at their continuous stupidity for giving away vital information like that. The only place left to check is Phenac City Collosseum, and that's where you find the next big honcho of Cipher.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
They put Bozo the Clown in charge of these ninnies.
Okay, okay, it's not really Bozo, but the second I saw him, I just started using a squeaky puberty voice when quoting all his lines. Bozo's wearing a ridiculous hat that looks a bit like Dialga's head, only he fails entirely at the "coolness" effect that Dialga pulls off. It could be because of his lava lamp shaped body. By that, I mean he's a rather lanky guy . . . with a beer belly. I guess Pokemon Company attempted to make him a bit more intimidating than Valley Girl, but they failed so epically that I just had to call this guy Bozo. If you ever find a picture of him, you probably won't laugh. But you certainly won't be intimidated by him. And you don't need to be either; his team sucks.
Bozo is so shocked from his loss that he actually yells "Duh! No!" when you beat him. I'm not joking, that's a direct quote. He runs away like a little girl (and the way he ran made me laugh out loud), and like Valley Girl, manages to drop a key item without ever noticing. You get the Basement Key and free all of Phenac's citizens in the basement, and Mayor Arnold Schwarzenegger thanks you on behalf of the city. Justy, one of the very few cool-looking people in this game (and one of the Five Intelligent Adults) tells you about a secret Cipher lair in the desert, and you try to go there, only to discover that your scooter's wheels are getting caught in the sand.
I think it was around this time in the game that I got lost and couldn't figure out what else to do. Fortunately, the game actually keeps you busy even if you feel lost. Savor this moment, I'm actually saying something good about Gale of Darkness. You can put out cheesecake- er- pokesnacks, to lure pokemon with at the three capture spots, and despite the uselessness of the pokemon you can catch here, it's fun just as a gamble. Oh, and if you can capture a Wooper, DO IT. Duking, not included as one of the Five Intelligent Adults, will trade you a Larvitar for Wooper. But please, SAVE before you trade him. You might get a Larvitar with a crappy nature if you don't. Oh, and don't trade him Trapinch if you get one. Keep it and make it a Flygon if you want. It's a much better deal than the Meditite he gives you. I don't know what to say about Surskit, I've never caught one. But if you can catch it, do so, if only to find out what Duking will give you for it. If you know, please tell me.
Also, if you're using the Purify Chamber effectively, every now and then you'll be alerted that another pokemon is ready to be purified. It's like a freight train: the more you do it, the faster it eventually goes. You can purify pokemon a LOT quicker in this game than the last one, I'll tell you that. And when you're not doing that, if you've failed to capture a shadow pokemon in the past, Michael Jackson may appear somewhere and you'll get another chance. It's a pain in the ass to do though, and my advice is pretty much this: just catch the Shadow Pokemon properly the first time. You'll need to get all of them if you want Shadow Dragonite at the end.
Well anyway, I eventually managed to progress to the S.S. Libra, the ship that Dark Lugia picked off the sea. Apparently he couldn't hold onto it and dropped it in the desert. Heh, there's something you don't see every day. You explore the ship for a while in search of some girl's missing Bonsly, and when you find it, Bonsly runs away in fear. So you go back outside, where you find one of the Five Intelligent Adults; a Team Snagem member smart enough to hit you with Gloom's Sleep Powder before you can Ice Beam him with your Sealeo. Team Snagem snags your snag machine while you're unconscious . . . but they are considerate enough to leave you with your scooter, your backpack full of items, and all of your pokemon. Everyone's got a sense of fair play.
You wake up in the ship's bedroom, where Duffy the Bum (a vagrant living in the S.S. Libra) has dragged you after finding you unconscious. Without the Snag Machine, your pokemon catching days are over, so your primary objective revolves around getting that thing back. You end up traveling to Team Snagem's wrecked base (they STILL haven't fixed that crap-hole?!), where you find the Snagem Boss, aka Gonzap, aka Atilla the Hun. Atilla is pissed that the Snag Machine won't fit on his arm, so in the end he lets you have it back so you can kick Cipher's ass. And with that annoying setback out of the way, you finally proceed to the Shadow Pokemon Making Factory!
Oh, wait. I can't believe I forgot this . . . earlier, your scooter gets stuck in the sand so you can't progress further. You eventually turn it into a hoverboard. To do that, at some point you go back to Dr. Weird's house, where you have an inevitable encounter with Chobin again. Chobin immediately attacks you once more, without bothering to see who you are first. Really though, how many burglars did he expect to find at his own size?
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
Chobin comes after you in a robotic Groudon suit.
People, I could not make this up. Well . . . maybe I could, but I'm not. He gets in the Robo Groudon, and the pokemon he sends at you instantly get tougher. "Tougher" is the wrong word, I should say "less wimpy." You still kick his candy ass, and when he loses, the Groudon malfunctions and dies out, smouldering at the mouth. I'd like to know what the @#$% purpose the Groudon served in the first place . . . wait, Dr. Weird is just that: weird. I suppose I should be asking where he's getting the finances to make crap like this. I'm not going to dwell on this any longer, but come on . . . Robo Groudon? Seriously? Satoshi Tajiri, look what's become of your once-beautiful idea.
But anyway, the Shadow Pokemon Factory. You march in without any backup, and once again Cipher minions dive-bomb you from the ceiling tiles. It's really just the secret Cipher Lab all over again, only this time the minions are finally getting some evolution 2 pokemon out, and not just Cascoons either. I wouldn't say they're hard though. By now, you finally have Walrein. If you never used Walrein again after evolving him, he'd still be able to hold out against Buddha at the end of the game as a reliable pokemon teammate. For now, he could berserk through all of these Cipher noobs all by himself. All you'd ever have to worry about is Ice Beam running out.
The maze you storm in this building isn't hard, just tedious. You can barely take ten steps without getting jumped by Cipher cronies, and the bastards are starting to have TWO shadow pokemon on them instead of one. You've gotta catch all of them flawlessly, without making them faint, keeping your own pokemon from fainting, and not running out of capture balls the whole time. It just requires a lot of endurance. This sounds bad, and it is if you don't know what you're doing. But if you do, it's just slightly annoying. You eventually make it to the top of the building, where you meet Cipher honcho numero tres.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
They put a gorilla in charge of the factory.
His fur has been shaved, he wears human clothes, and he's been trained to speak, yes. But I assure you, it's a gorilla. He has the body of one, he moves like one, and he's got the temper of one. He also carries a two-headed wrench in his hand everywhere he goes. I think I'll label this guy Monkey Wrench. Monkey Wrench, ironically, is actually a very tactically talented trainer. It's fitting, really. I can now say that a monkey is smarter than all of these Cipher morons, and be justified. He specializes in using Earthquake and Protect, predicting who you're going to hit and holding out on you to the bitter end. You have to be quick in snagging his shadow pokemon, because otherwise it will die, or you will die. Yeah I said that Walrein is reliable, and I stand by it, but even he can only last a finite number of turns without doing anything. What can I say? Save before fighting Monkey Wrench. He's your first truly challenging enemy.
Man, this is just so FITTING! Here's the hierarchy of intelligence. At the top you have Bill Gates, then gifted people, then normal people, then mentally handicapped people, then monkeys, then Cipher, then finally, Pokemon Company Staff.
Alright, so once you punish Monkey Wrench, I think your character finally makes the discovery that Buddha is this game's main villain. You shut down the Shadow Pokemon Factory then set your sights on the final frontier: Shadow Island. Here's where the one and only significance of Robo Groudon comes in, by the way. Dr. Weird constructs a Robo Kyogre to go along with it, which you eventually ride inside to reach Shadow Island. The game skips to a cutscene where Buddha and his two sons are walking through a gauntlet of Cipher goons, heading into the heart of their storm-ridden island home. If you ever find this scene on YouTube, hum the Imperial March to yourself as you're watching it. It's exactly what this scene needs.
So here you are, in the enemy's final base . . . the trainers here are REALLY annoying now. Notice I didn't say hard, I said annoying. They've got shadow pokemon galore, and it takes FOREVER to get anywhere without having to face someone. You really should fight up to sixty trainers in Mt. Battle before taking these guys on, because otherwise you'll be running back home every other battle to heal and save. It sucks to say this, but strategy means nothing when you're trying to capture your opponent's last remaining pokemon. It all depends on how many balls you have to throw.
Aaaaaaand it's deja vu time. You run into all your enemies from the past, and now they finally have pokemon they SHOULD have had during your first encounter with them. Look, I understand that you need to be able to beat their pokemon to progress through the game and feel good about yourself . . . but honestly, if they had better pokemon than the ones they faced you with the first time, they should've used THOSE. Couldn't Pokemon Company have thought of a clever excuse for this? No, that would be asking too much of them. *Sigh* Anyway, you fight Valley Girl again, Bozo the Clown again, and Monkey Wrench again. They're all a bit harder this time, but nothing to fret about. You're in real danger only when you finally face Buddha's sons. Buddha Son A is a pain to destroy, and his shadow pokemon are tough . . . does he have Lapras and Snorlax? Salamence? I forget which one it is. Bottom line: you cannot waste time with him. It's not a matter of getting him down to his last two shadow pokemon, it's a matter of just plain managing to beat him. I suppose I should be happy that I'm finally getting a challenge, but like I said, there's no challenge in throwing an Ultra Ball or a Timer Ball and crossing your fingers, praying that it will stay shut. That's all luck and divine intervention.
If/when you beat Buddha Son A, be sure to save and heal up before taking on Buddha Son B. B should be harder than A, but if I remember correctly, they were about the same in difficulty. Directly after Buddha Son B comes the chief dillweed himself, Evil Buddha. But Buddha doesn't face you straightaway. Instead, he snaps his fingers and sics his dark Lugia on you. Dark Lugia bursts through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and prepares to tear you to pieces.
I forgot to mention this earlier (again), but you get a Master Ball from somewhere. Now's the opportune time to use it. Oh, and leave one space open in your party when you capture dark Lugia. He'll come in handy when Buddha attacks you with rage for catching his prized possession.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
Buddha flings his walking stick aside, does a backflip, and glares daggers at you with glowing yellow eyes.
What . . . this man is 80-some years old, physically decrepit, and he's performing Olympic gymnastics? WTF?! I suppose it's still an improvement over the last game though, where an evil floating clown tries to destroy you. The climactic theme is good, at any rate. Strap yourself in for a long battle, because every single one of Buddha's pokemon is shadow-possessed. Three of them are Zapdos, Articuno, and Moltres. Are you beginning to see why the team of three was such a good idea? You're going to need two, maybe three shadow pokemon in your party if you plan on living through the brutal assault of the legendary birds as they mercilessly whale on you with their unlimited super-effective shadow attacks. If you're hardcore like me, you'll capture every single one of Buddha's pokemon in that final battle. If you'd rather play it safe, however, kill off his birds and capture only his non-legendary shadow critters. You can always take another shot at the birds.
Upon losing, Buddha will be such a bad sport about it that he'll try to blow up the island with you still on it. And perhaps with himself still on it. Normally I'd consider that a waste, but think about it: a ten-year-old boy has just smashed his way through the twenty or thirty trainers guarding this island, beaten down all the leaders, and has taken their best pokemon from right under their noses. What does that TELL you about these guys? If you were Buddha, could you really live with yourself after experiencing such a humiliating defeat as this? But this is pokemon, so it has to end on a happy note. Buddha Son B convinces him not to explode Shadow Island, and Buddha eventually gives in. Ah, what a happy ending . . . until the credits are over that is. Then you find out that Buddha hasn't repented at all, and you'll have the option of going back and kicking his ass again, then listen to his "blow up the island" dialouge again, then get talked out of it again, and it'll just keep happening for as long as you challenge him. My expectations from Pokemon Company have reached about sea level by now, so I'm no longer surprised, and I'm not questioning this. I'm just laughing (and lamenting) over their incopentence.
You don't have to fight Buddha, of course. There are still other things to do. If you've captured every single shadow pokemon, you'll get to encounter Michael Jackson for the last time and take his Shadow Dragonite from him. This battle isn't too hard. Purifying Dragonite just takes a while, as do all the other pokemon you've stocked up from Shadow Island. Even with the Purification Chamber it takes forever; eventually you'll figure out the fastest way to do this is to just run laps around the most circular place you can find until the pokemon fully purify. You'll need all nine purify chambers filled to the max, at full potential, before you can purify Shadow Lugia. Is it worth it? Well . . . no. Lugia kicks ass, but you can't use him in battle tower tournaments. Plus, he MIGHT have been the strongest pokemon, if not for Arceus and Giratina. They kind of spoil it for you.
Lugia's nice to have just for the sake of having him, I suppose. And he'll give you that extra boost of power you need to win the 100 trainer challenge of Mt. Battle. Guess who's at the top of Mt. Battle, ready to wreck your face as soon as you show it?
It's Hulk Hogan, brotha!
Oh, his name isn't Hulk Hogan, but trust me, if you see this guy, you'll know who it is. For me, it was almost worth getting there just for the laugh of seeing Hulk Hogan waiting at the top. But there's that word "almost." Nothing in this game is worth the horrible pain and effort you have to go through. I don't care how good a trainer you are. Poor trainers won't be able to beat this game, at least not fairly. Good trainers will be able to beat this game, yet only with much luck and tactical saving. That's all there is to it.
The game starts off with a buff sailor and a skinny little weiner driving a ship over the ocean, when suddenly two helicopters from Cipher come along and Dark Lugia appears overhead. The entire security personnel, AKA said two sailors, get flung off the ship and left for dead in the ocean . . . meanwhile Dark Lugia hauls the ship away.
At first, this doesn't seem like too bad a game. They did a good job with the graphics, when you get over the whole "people don't actually look like that" thing. You start off with a battle in virtual reality which you easily win, before logging off the system to find your widowed mom. Apparently Daddy died, but it hardly matters, as he's very briefly mentioned only three times in the entire plot, then instantly forgotten. Anyway, Mom says that your sister Jovi has gone missing, and tells you to find her. She was playing Hide and Seek, but apparently no bondaries were established because she runs ALL THE WAY TO DR. WEIRD'S HOUSE. Yeah, I'm calling him Dr. Weird. In fact, I'm going to be giving titles to a lot of these people, which are much more suitable for them.
So you go to Dr. Weird's house, which is apparently so far away that you need a mechanical scooter to cover the distance. I can't help but wonder how Jovi managed this exodus of a walk, but whatever, it's still early in the game. You get to Dr. Weird's doorstep, when a midget who Yoda would dwarf in size leaps out at you and immediately battles you. Some guard he is . . . you face the fury of his level 6 Sunkern, which your Eevee kills in one, sometimes two hits. The midget, Chobin, finally decides to look at his opponent after already losing, and recognizes at last that it's only you. He needs new glasses.
I noticed about two sentences into his dialogue that Chobin speaks in third person. I thought that was rather weird, but it didn't really bother me until I found Jovi was doing it TOO. The hell-?! Well, just ignore it, I guess. The producers of this game probably thought they were clever, because you're given the option to take a look at all of Dr. Weird's ridiculous inventions, all designed specifically to make the world worse. Oh boy, a lightbulb that takes up twelve times more electricity than usual . . . hysterical, you guys. These games have really gone downhill since Crystal.
Jovi is bothering Dr. Weird (again, apparently), so you take her back to the lab before she can piss him off further. Upon arriving home, the scientists welcome you with a little present. You see, they made a snag machine (like the previous game's) capable of capturing somebody else's owned pokemon . . . to be used for good, of course. But these labcoat-wearing geniuses were apparently still too stupid to remember to make it big enough to fit on their arms. So they have you wear it, as if expecting you to ever have to use it. Ever-so-conveniently, not even a full minute after getting the snag machine, a group of uniform-wearing weirdos spontaneously attack the lab and drag off the head professor dude. You chase after them, and they battle you with the terrifying shadow pokemon that was holding everyone else at bay: a level 11 Teddiursa. I mean, come on, really? I'm pretty sure that Cooltrainer girl with the Kirlia could have done the job, but whatever.
The Cipher goons just watch your battle the whole time, rather than making a run for it with the Professor in their possession. However, after you've captured Shadow Teddiursa, they get bored and pick up where they left off. You run after their car, but of course your short little legs are no match for their 300 horsepower engine. So you lose your head doctor, boo-hoo. Everyone at the lab is crushed, but Mom decides to keep up the effort of the Purify machine without it. The Purify machine, by the way, is what turns artifically-evil shadow pokemon good again. Apparently, even though there were no sightings of shadow Pokemon for the last few years and Cipher (the makers of shadow pokemon) was supposedly done for, your lab groupies somehow knew they'd be back . . . hence, a purify chamber in progress. But they're missing a part for it, and since everyone has to pick up the slack without their head professor, you're in charge of picking up the final machine part. Well . . . Jovi is, but you come along as her escort. And some escort you are. Your level 12 Eevee can surely take anything that comes your way, mm-hm.
. . . or not. You reach Gateon Port, only to immediately run into a giant hulking freak-job named Zook. Seriously, who names their kid "Zook"? You know, maybe that's why he became a thug. Then again, as you continue to play this game, you'll notice a lot of really odd names. If I had to guess, I'd say Pokemon Company ditched normal names and just put together a quick-and-easy machine that compiled a bunch of letters together with one or two vowels in each, then passed them off as "names." No Georges, no Bills, no Julias . . . no, you've got people named Eagun. Look at me with a straight face and tell me THAT name was suggested by a sober person.
But back to Zook. Jovi crashes into him and he gets immediately pissy at her for doing it. I mean, he flips out. Somebody's been skipping his therapy sessions. You and Jovi are about to get thumped by Zook when Mr. Verich, aka Greevil, aka Buddha, comes along and tells him to knock it off. Buddha Son A steps forward and clobbers his level 27 Zangoose with a 40-something Alakazam. See, this is Pokemon Company's way of telling you "your pokemon suck at this point in the game, so wipe that arrogant smirk off your face." Zook flips out when he loses, but intelligently runs away so that Alakazam doesn't mind-rape him. You thank Buddha and continue along your way, never once suspecting that you've just run into the main villain of the game. Hmm, does this seem familiar at all?
. . .
. . .
. . . oh yeah, it does. I can actually picture it right in this second of time, five years ago. There's a white-haired bandit in a stupid duster cloak, talking to a Sephiroth ripoff in a dress, after meeting the completely harmless, not evil, jolly fat mayor of Phenac City. Sorry guys, I get it, but it doesn't work twice. This game, I recognized my main adversary instantly. Buddha's back, and he's pissed.
Anyway, the Machine Part. You go into the repair shop to pick it up, but I think it's not ready yet. I don't quite remember this part. Whatever really happened, I still ended up walking around the port. It's about this point in the game when I realize for the first time just how utterly retarded these adults truly are. You run into a fourty-year-old guy who owns a shadow Ledyba, and when you capture it right under his eyes, he DOESN'T EVEN NOTICE. If you talk to him afterwards, he'll wonder where it went, but honestly . . . if he wasn't intelligent enough to realize you'd captured it, he doesn't deserve it anyway. Not that it's any great loss on his part. It's only Ledyba.
So after a bit of exploring and a little tinkering with some incredibly dangerous bridges with NO RAILINGS, you get to pick up your machine part. If you're like me and talk to everyone you see, you'll find a guy standing there who conveniently happens to have five evolution stones for Eevee. And you just happen to have an Eevee with you, what are the odds? The guy almost poops himself in joy, and offers you a shortcut to Eevee evolution at no charge. And if you've played Collosseum already, you'll know that most of this game revolves around lasting through battles. That means picking an Eeveeloution that can take a buttload of hits.
Here's where I'm going to take a break and map out your team for the game. The real bummer with Gale of Darkness is that you can't get any decent pokemon early on, other than the starter . . . thus, your options are very limited. But there are three main guys that you can count on the whole way through. First, your Eeveeloution . . . Umbreon. Yes, Umbreon. He is better than all of the others. I've checked the stats, I've weighed the usefulness, and I know for a fact he's the best one. They are not equal, people. Other than the beautiful Sycronize ability and Umbreon's whopping . . . TWO weaknesses, you've got immunity from psychics, a defensive tank that will not die, and the only pokemon who gets the S.T.A.B. from Eevee's Bite. Umbreon kicks ass, and that's all there is to it. Alright . . . second pokemon is Ampharos. You get it as a Mareep, but he quickly becomes capable. If you're really persistant, you can have Ampharos before you take on your first boss. He's reliable all the way through. And finally, you have Hoenn's version of Lapras: Walrein! This thing's like a dragon pokemon: it takes forever to make strong, but boy is it tough once it evolves. I've gone through this game depending entirely on these three guys, and I have never regretted doing it. This leaves three open spaces for any shadow pokemon you're trying to purify; definitely a good idea. Plus, the battle experience isn't being spread around and watered down. Teams of six just aren't as effective as the Three Amigos.
Okay, okay, back to the review. You take your new Umbreon back to the lab, and Mom sends you out again almost immediately so that you don't catch on the the affair she's having with one of the Cooltrainers. Hah, I'll bet that lie woke you up! Seriously though, you're in and out of the lab, to Agate Village where Orre's senior citizens reside. The reason for this is because Agate holds the legendary Jesus Stone, which can purify any pokemon ready to open its heart. You find Eagun, and he tells you the only way to cure your Teddiursa is by having it violently rip apart every enemy it sees. Yeah, that's foolproof. I guess the logic behind this is anger-venting. Just have Teddiursa play Super Smash Bros. and he'll be cured in no time. No need to rip other pokemons' eyes out until they faint from blood loss.
Anyway, after pounding your way though x number of trainers, you get to Eagun, who takes you on with the pokemon he's relied on for fifty years. That's right, the creature which made him a legend, the living wonder that lives to pwn noobs . . . a level 12 Pikachu! *Gasps all around* Of course, you kill Pikachu immediately, and Teddiursa opens its heart to the Jesus Stone and becomes purified. After this (and even more easy training at Mt. Battle), a guy with a name I can't recall conveniently remembers that he saw a suspicious van headed towards the desert, and you're finally able to move on. You check out the desert place, which is a base in the middle of f***ing nowhere, with no water supply, electricity supply, nothing. Don't ask me how they got this place running again.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
The Teletubbies come out.
I swear it's them. They're six brothers with a combined I.Q. below 100, who can't seem to get their crap straight about counting off. I'm not sure what was going on in Pokemon Company staff's heads when they made this dialogue, but I guarantee you, they weren't worried in the least about getting fired. I could make crack-head jokes all day about this alone, but the problem is, it won't be funny after a while.
Well, whatever. I guess these guys are so flamboyant because they've all got one shadow pokemon each. Incidentally, these are the ones with Flaffy and Spheal, my teammates for the rest of the game. Once you've dealt with Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La, Po, and the other two Teletubbies, you walk scot-free into the Cipher base and boldly pound aside anyone who dares get in your way. I just love how a majority of the Cipher goons in here happened to duct-tape themselves to the ceiling ahead of time and waited up there for hours, just in case a ten-year-old boy happened to wander into their base. You make everyone's day by giving them reason to jump down, then ruin their day by crushing their faces one by one. When the Cipher males are defeated, they roll away and cringe in terror of you (really?), and when the females lose, they simply break down and sob into their hands. I'm left feeling awful after that. Seriously. The only time I feel worse is when I beat an old lady and am forced to watch her hang her head in shame. Wouldn't that just ruin the game for you?
You know, all but maybe five adults in this game are idiots. At least in the last game, one scientist was intelligent enough to trigger the alarm in this same base, when he lost to you. But NOBODY is smart enough to do that this time! You raid the base, brushing aside the incompetent security personnel, until you finally run into the head honcho in charge.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
She's an eight-year-old valley girl with pink pigtails that come down to her ankles.
And she goes down quickly, too. I suppose if you don't know what you're doing, she is your first real challenge. If you're a veteran pokemon trainer, however, this whole game will be cake up until the third Cipher boss. But for now, you beat Vally Girl. And after she loses, she clumsily drops a disc drive on the ground while escaping. I question why she was carrying it with her to begin with, but this is pokemon, and in pokemon, everything you'll ever need in life is carried with you. I just wonder why nobody spotted it but you. Really, could you not obtain the disc in a cooler way? Perhaps demand the disc from Valley Girl, "or else"? *Sigh* Apparently, clumsily dropping it and not hearing it clatter to the floor was the best Pokemon Company could do.
So you go back to the lab with the head professor dude, then almost immediately head out again to a trash town made completely out of random dumpster parts. I think I'll call it Hooverville. You're sent to Hooverville because there's a radio station there, run by the chief hacker of the Orre region. Was it Nett or Bitt? Either way, lousy names as usual. You go into the radio station, find this kid after a lot of hassle, and then are sent out because Nitt can't yet decipher the disc. During your free time, you go out and meet Duking, who's busy explaining to his T.V. audience about the pokeblocks side quest. Pokemon Company giggles at their old, repetitive joke of Duking getting the announcer lady's voice wrong, and I simply wonder how many thousands of pull-ups he does per day, and where he got that pimp hat from.
You're required to humor Pokemon Company and take interest in Duking's pokeblock sidequest, because if you don't, you'll never progress any further in the game. Duking shows you the third pokeblock location, and when you travel there, you run into two goofballs who I'm gonna call Dumb and Dumber. I see their intelligence hasn't improved since the first game, but they were smart enough to put a locator chip on their boss's back so that they know where he is at all times. That way they can goof off all they like when he isn't nearby. Just then, he enters stage right.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far? Actually, this is probably the most ridiculous part, period.
The boss, Miror B, is Pokemon's MICHAEL JACKSON.
I sh** you not. This is a dancing black man with a GLOVE ON HIS LEFT HAND, wearing women's high heels and a very tight, gay jumpsuit. He's still got his huge pokeball afro on his head, and I think it's even bigger this game than before. And just like last game, he has disco music playing in the background as he pops and jams to it like a fricking maniac. I have now played this game twice, and I still can't believe I'm typing these words. I almost believe that if I play a third time, the game will correct this unforgivable mistake, and I can slowly forget this nightmare over healing time. But no, it's not happening.
So Michael Jackson says "Hoo-hoo! You're going down! Start the music!", and takes you on in another easy battle. I'm not even counting this as a boss battle. MJ loses, and he and Dumb and Dumber take off. Then a bunch of children around your age come out from under their rocks and hail you as their hero for standing up to MJ rather than running from him as most ten-year-old boys would have. I lied again, that didn't happen. It should have, though.
Nitt-wit sends you a message, saying he needs you to get back to the radio tower. So you ride your scooter back to Hooverville, but find out that Cipher has come to raid the building. I didn't mention this before, but there's a buff guy guarding the entrance of the place . . . he's down. What, Cipher got past his 300 pounds of pure muscle, but they fall to your satanic dog, electric sheep, and blubbery sea lion? Well, whatever. Cipher gets beaten and is forced to retreat from you again, and your next destination is Phenac City.
I'd type more, but I'm tired. I'll continue later.
Before I get into part 2, I'd just like to mention how horrible this battling is. I appreciated having an extensive battle intro scene the first couple of times, then after the next thirty I realized it was taking WAY too long to freaking get anything accomplished. Do a quick double battle against some twins in Sapphire, then try a double battle against anyone in this game. It takes at least three times longer to make any progress. As if that wasn't bad enough, the music is HORRIBLE. It repeats every thirty-some seconds, and it hardly ever changes. It's pretty terrible, isn't it, when the gameboy game is better than the game for the big, expensive, three-dimensional Gamecube.
You know what I think? Some big administrator in Pokemon Company went drinking with his buddies, and they decided that they could vomit up anything they liked, and if they slapped the Pokemon label on it, kids would buy it. Maybe the producer of this game did the whole project on a bet. "I'll bet I can make complete crap, and children will still buy this garbage!" Well, he won that bet.
PART 2
Anyway, back to the product of this roomful of trained monkeys. You go to Phenac City, but immediately get sent away to Battle Tower. I WAS GONNA GO TO PHENAC! GO TO PHENAC! So you go back to Phenac, and everyone's acting all suspicious. It's almost as if they're Cipher goons in disguise or something. I'd like to know how they managed to do a 360 turnaround and change clothes during that time. Okay, maybe they wore their stormtrooper uniforms under their disguises. That still doesn't explain where they kept their helmets. And the females wearing skirts, I KNOW they don't have anything covering their legs below the knees. When did they switch from those to their usual tight pants? What, do they change directly in front of you?
I'm getting ahead of myself. First, you need to thoroughly look around, and eventually you'll figure out that you've gotta get to the upstairs of the Mayor's house. To do that, you need to distract the woman guarding the staircase, and that requires finding some music to satisfy her boredom. It turns out that some middle-aged man has the music disc lying on his table, and not only does he happily let you take it for free, but he even lets you sleep in his bed even though you're a complete stranger. What a nice guy. Well anyway, you give the female Cipher member in disguise her girly music, and she completely forgets her job and concentrates entirely on the music. You'd think she'd dance to it or something, but she just stands there in front of the speakers. So you go upstairs and find the mayor's heart-patterned bathrobe on his bed . . . and also a letter to Justy. In case you're mentally retarded and haven't figured it out by now, the letter explains to you that Cipher has indeed taken over the city. I'd question why none of Cipher's grunts thought to confiscate or rip up this evidence against them, but I've already concluded that they're all too stupid.
The lady from Cipher comes up behind you while you're reading this, and you'd probably be okay with that if you were ten years older. She attempts to stop you from delivering the letter to Justy, and of course, fails miserably. But it's not over yet- the Teletubbies are back, and this time they're ALL Justy! You're given two options: fight the morons, or just walk straight into Justy's gym. You go in, get jumped, then foil the villains' efforts. They tell you that you need a key to get down into the basement where all the innocent civillians are being held against their will, and you shake your head at their continuous stupidity for giving away vital information like that. The only place left to check is Phenac City Collosseum, and that's where you find the next big honcho of Cipher.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
They put Bozo the Clown in charge of these ninnies.
Okay, okay, it's not really Bozo, but the second I saw him, I just started using a squeaky puberty voice when quoting all his lines. Bozo's wearing a ridiculous hat that looks a bit like Dialga's head, only he fails entirely at the "coolness" effect that Dialga pulls off. It could be because of his lava lamp shaped body. By that, I mean he's a rather lanky guy . . . with a beer belly. I guess Pokemon Company attempted to make him a bit more intimidating than Valley Girl, but they failed so epically that I just had to call this guy Bozo. If you ever find a picture of him, you probably won't laugh. But you certainly won't be intimidated by him. And you don't need to be either; his team sucks.
Bozo is so shocked from his loss that he actually yells "Duh! No!" when you beat him. I'm not joking, that's a direct quote. He runs away like a little girl (and the way he ran made me laugh out loud), and like Valley Girl, manages to drop a key item without ever noticing. You get the Basement Key and free all of Phenac's citizens in the basement, and Mayor Arnold Schwarzenegger thanks you on behalf of the city. Justy, one of the very few cool-looking people in this game (and one of the Five Intelligent Adults) tells you about a secret Cipher lair in the desert, and you try to go there, only to discover that your scooter's wheels are getting caught in the sand.
I think it was around this time in the game that I got lost and couldn't figure out what else to do. Fortunately, the game actually keeps you busy even if you feel lost. Savor this moment, I'm actually saying something good about Gale of Darkness. You can put out cheesecake- er- pokesnacks, to lure pokemon with at the three capture spots, and despite the uselessness of the pokemon you can catch here, it's fun just as a gamble. Oh, and if you can capture a Wooper, DO IT. Duking, not included as one of the Five Intelligent Adults, will trade you a Larvitar for Wooper. But please, SAVE before you trade him. You might get a Larvitar with a crappy nature if you don't. Oh, and don't trade him Trapinch if you get one. Keep it and make it a Flygon if you want. It's a much better deal than the Meditite he gives you. I don't know what to say about Surskit, I've never caught one. But if you can catch it, do so, if only to find out what Duking will give you for it. If you know, please tell me.
Also, if you're using the Purify Chamber effectively, every now and then you'll be alerted that another pokemon is ready to be purified. It's like a freight train: the more you do it, the faster it eventually goes. You can purify pokemon a LOT quicker in this game than the last one, I'll tell you that. And when you're not doing that, if you've failed to capture a shadow pokemon in the past, Michael Jackson may appear somewhere and you'll get another chance. It's a pain in the ass to do though, and my advice is pretty much this: just catch the Shadow Pokemon properly the first time. You'll need to get all of them if you want Shadow Dragonite at the end.
Well anyway, I eventually managed to progress to the S.S. Libra, the ship that Dark Lugia picked off the sea. Apparently he couldn't hold onto it and dropped it in the desert. Heh, there's something you don't see every day. You explore the ship for a while in search of some girl's missing Bonsly, and when you find it, Bonsly runs away in fear. So you go back outside, where you find one of the Five Intelligent Adults; a Team Snagem member smart enough to hit you with Gloom's Sleep Powder before you can Ice Beam him with your Sealeo. Team Snagem snags your snag machine while you're unconscious . . . but they are considerate enough to leave you with your scooter, your backpack full of items, and all of your pokemon. Everyone's got a sense of fair play.
You wake up in the ship's bedroom, where Duffy the Bum (a vagrant living in the S.S. Libra) has dragged you after finding you unconscious. Without the Snag Machine, your pokemon catching days are over, so your primary objective revolves around getting that thing back. You end up traveling to Team Snagem's wrecked base (they STILL haven't fixed that crap-hole?!), where you find the Snagem Boss, aka Gonzap, aka Atilla the Hun. Atilla is pissed that the Snag Machine won't fit on his arm, so in the end he lets you have it back so you can kick Cipher's ass. And with that annoying setback out of the way, you finally proceed to the Shadow Pokemon Making Factory!
Oh, wait. I can't believe I forgot this . . . earlier, your scooter gets stuck in the sand so you can't progress further. You eventually turn it into a hoverboard. To do that, at some point you go back to Dr. Weird's house, where you have an inevitable encounter with Chobin again. Chobin immediately attacks you once more, without bothering to see who you are first. Really though, how many burglars did he expect to find at his own size?
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
Chobin comes after you in a robotic Groudon suit.
People, I could not make this up. Well . . . maybe I could, but I'm not. He gets in the Robo Groudon, and the pokemon he sends at you instantly get tougher. "Tougher" is the wrong word, I should say "less wimpy." You still kick his candy ass, and when he loses, the Groudon malfunctions and dies out, smouldering at the mouth. I'd like to know what the @#$% purpose the Groudon served in the first place . . . wait, Dr. Weird is just that: weird. I suppose I should be asking where he's getting the finances to make crap like this. I'm not going to dwell on this any longer, but come on . . . Robo Groudon? Seriously? Satoshi Tajiri, look what's become of your once-beautiful idea.
But anyway, the Shadow Pokemon Factory. You march in without any backup, and once again Cipher minions dive-bomb you from the ceiling tiles. It's really just the secret Cipher Lab all over again, only this time the minions are finally getting some evolution 2 pokemon out, and not just Cascoons either. I wouldn't say they're hard though. By now, you finally have Walrein. If you never used Walrein again after evolving him, he'd still be able to hold out against Buddha at the end of the game as a reliable pokemon teammate. For now, he could berserk through all of these Cipher noobs all by himself. All you'd ever have to worry about is Ice Beam running out.
The maze you storm in this building isn't hard, just tedious. You can barely take ten steps without getting jumped by Cipher cronies, and the bastards are starting to have TWO shadow pokemon on them instead of one. You've gotta catch all of them flawlessly, without making them faint, keeping your own pokemon from fainting, and not running out of capture balls the whole time. It just requires a lot of endurance. This sounds bad, and it is if you don't know what you're doing. But if you do, it's just slightly annoying. You eventually make it to the top of the building, where you meet Cipher honcho numero tres.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
They put a gorilla in charge of the factory.
His fur has been shaved, he wears human clothes, and he's been trained to speak, yes. But I assure you, it's a gorilla. He has the body of one, he moves like one, and he's got the temper of one. He also carries a two-headed wrench in his hand everywhere he goes. I think I'll label this guy Monkey Wrench. Monkey Wrench, ironically, is actually a very tactically talented trainer. It's fitting, really. I can now say that a monkey is smarter than all of these Cipher morons, and be justified. He specializes in using Earthquake and Protect, predicting who you're going to hit and holding out on you to the bitter end. You have to be quick in snagging his shadow pokemon, because otherwise it will die, or you will die. Yeah I said that Walrein is reliable, and I stand by it, but even he can only last a finite number of turns without doing anything. What can I say? Save before fighting Monkey Wrench. He's your first truly challenging enemy.
Man, this is just so FITTING! Here's the hierarchy of intelligence. At the top you have Bill Gates, then gifted people, then normal people, then mentally handicapped people, then monkeys, then Cipher, then finally, Pokemon Company Staff.
Alright, so once you punish Monkey Wrench, I think your character finally makes the discovery that Buddha is this game's main villain. You shut down the Shadow Pokemon Factory then set your sights on the final frontier: Shadow Island. Here's where the one and only significance of Robo Groudon comes in, by the way. Dr. Weird constructs a Robo Kyogre to go along with it, which you eventually ride inside to reach Shadow Island. The game skips to a cutscene where Buddha and his two sons are walking through a gauntlet of Cipher goons, heading into the heart of their storm-ridden island home. If you ever find this scene on YouTube, hum the Imperial March to yourself as you're watching it. It's exactly what this scene needs.
So here you are, in the enemy's final base . . . the trainers here are REALLY annoying now. Notice I didn't say hard, I said annoying. They've got shadow pokemon galore, and it takes FOREVER to get anywhere without having to face someone. You really should fight up to sixty trainers in Mt. Battle before taking these guys on, because otherwise you'll be running back home every other battle to heal and save. It sucks to say this, but strategy means nothing when you're trying to capture your opponent's last remaining pokemon. It all depends on how many balls you have to throw.
Aaaaaaand it's deja vu time. You run into all your enemies from the past, and now they finally have pokemon they SHOULD have had during your first encounter with them. Look, I understand that you need to be able to beat their pokemon to progress through the game and feel good about yourself . . . but honestly, if they had better pokemon than the ones they faced you with the first time, they should've used THOSE. Couldn't Pokemon Company have thought of a clever excuse for this? No, that would be asking too much of them. *Sigh* Anyway, you fight Valley Girl again, Bozo the Clown again, and Monkey Wrench again. They're all a bit harder this time, but nothing to fret about. You're in real danger only when you finally face Buddha's sons. Buddha Son A is a pain to destroy, and his shadow pokemon are tough . . . does he have Lapras and Snorlax? Salamence? I forget which one it is. Bottom line: you cannot waste time with him. It's not a matter of getting him down to his last two shadow pokemon, it's a matter of just plain managing to beat him. I suppose I should be happy that I'm finally getting a challenge, but like I said, there's no challenge in throwing an Ultra Ball or a Timer Ball and crossing your fingers, praying that it will stay shut. That's all luck and divine intervention.
If/when you beat Buddha Son A, be sure to save and heal up before taking on Buddha Son B. B should be harder than A, but if I remember correctly, they were about the same in difficulty. Directly after Buddha Son B comes the chief dillweed himself, Evil Buddha. But Buddha doesn't face you straightaway. Instead, he snaps his fingers and sics his dark Lugia on you. Dark Lugia bursts through the wall like the Kool-Aid man and prepares to tear you to pieces.
I forgot to mention this earlier (again), but you get a Master Ball from somewhere. Now's the opportune time to use it. Oh, and leave one space open in your party when you capture dark Lugia. He'll come in handy when Buddha attacks you with rage for catching his prized possession.
Hey, are you ready for the most ridiculous part of this game thus far?
Buddha flings his walking stick aside, does a backflip, and glares daggers at you with glowing yellow eyes.
What . . . this man is 80-some years old, physically decrepit, and he's performing Olympic gymnastics? WTF?! I suppose it's still an improvement over the last game though, where an evil floating clown tries to destroy you. The climactic theme is good, at any rate. Strap yourself in for a long battle, because every single one of Buddha's pokemon is shadow-possessed. Three of them are Zapdos, Articuno, and Moltres. Are you beginning to see why the team of three was such a good idea? You're going to need two, maybe three shadow pokemon in your party if you plan on living through the brutal assault of the legendary birds as they mercilessly whale on you with their unlimited super-effective shadow attacks. If you're hardcore like me, you'll capture every single one of Buddha's pokemon in that final battle. If you'd rather play it safe, however, kill off his birds and capture only his non-legendary shadow critters. You can always take another shot at the birds.
Upon losing, Buddha will be such a bad sport about it that he'll try to blow up the island with you still on it. And perhaps with himself still on it. Normally I'd consider that a waste, but think about it: a ten-year-old boy has just smashed his way through the twenty or thirty trainers guarding this island, beaten down all the leaders, and has taken their best pokemon from right under their noses. What does that TELL you about these guys? If you were Buddha, could you really live with yourself after experiencing such a humiliating defeat as this? But this is pokemon, so it has to end on a happy note. Buddha Son B convinces him not to explode Shadow Island, and Buddha eventually gives in. Ah, what a happy ending . . . until the credits are over that is. Then you find out that Buddha hasn't repented at all, and you'll have the option of going back and kicking his ass again, then listen to his "blow up the island" dialouge again, then get talked out of it again, and it'll just keep happening for as long as you challenge him. My expectations from Pokemon Company have reached about sea level by now, so I'm no longer surprised, and I'm not questioning this. I'm just laughing (and lamenting) over their incopentence.
You don't have to fight Buddha, of course. There are still other things to do. If you've captured every single shadow pokemon, you'll get to encounter Michael Jackson for the last time and take his Shadow Dragonite from him. This battle isn't too hard. Purifying Dragonite just takes a while, as do all the other pokemon you've stocked up from Shadow Island. Even with the Purification Chamber it takes forever; eventually you'll figure out the fastest way to do this is to just run laps around the most circular place you can find until the pokemon fully purify. You'll need all nine purify chambers filled to the max, at full potential, before you can purify Shadow Lugia. Is it worth it? Well . . . no. Lugia kicks ass, but you can't use him in battle tower tournaments. Plus, he MIGHT have been the strongest pokemon, if not for Arceus and Giratina. They kind of spoil it for you.
Lugia's nice to have just for the sake of having him, I suppose. And he'll give you that extra boost of power you need to win the 100 trainer challenge of Mt. Battle. Guess who's at the top of Mt. Battle, ready to wreck your face as soon as you show it?
It's Hulk Hogan, brotha!
Oh, his name isn't Hulk Hogan, but trust me, if you see this guy, you'll know who it is. For me, it was almost worth getting there just for the laugh of seeing Hulk Hogan waiting at the top. But there's that word "almost." Nothing in this game is worth the horrible pain and effort you have to go through. I don't care how good a trainer you are. Poor trainers won't be able to beat this game, at least not fairly. Good trainers will be able to beat this game, yet only with much luck and tactical saving. That's all there is to it.
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