A Few Moments at the Bottom of the Ocean

[PaprikaChu]

I see you as you are,
honey& milk--skin& bones.

you sound so comfortable drowning
mantled upon your deepest throne--
lost in the fade of silver waves,
holding our breath for days and days.

I shouldn't have to pretend.
ignoring the echoes--whispers,
manifesting from your fathomless caves.

As your honey drips--and sweet hearts quiver,
amongst the schools of fish with blank stares--
I pretend not to care.

I've left you at the bottom of the ocean.
I yearn for the salty air--
and as your lungs fill with the remnants of my lingering flavor.



I make the descent once more.....





*ehh :P
this was written while listening to - Untitled 7 by Sigur Ros off their "( )" Album
​

 

[Spearow]

Parts of this I really liked, parts of it threw me off. I honestly feel this whole thing could do without "You shall become -- /My greatest mistake" at the beginning. It just feels somehow unnecessary in that it sort of explains the poem before you get to the poem? Or maybe it's just that I feel I've heard it other places before, and isn't on par with the more original language you use later (I loved "you sound so comfortable drowning", by the way).

On a similar level, the last two lines don't seem to me to mesh with the general caliber of the piece. As for mechanical things - well, I think "decent" was meant to be "descent", and "As your honey drips". Ampersands and dashes I assume were added for aesthetic value, and they don't distract me too much so I don't mind them being there. I do feel that you put commas in places that don't need them, most notably at your line breaks and in the first line between "you" and "as".

So there you have it. My disjointed, non-poetry-expert review. I liked this piece a lot, in general, but I think it might be even better with some trimming and editing here and there. Anyway, we don't seem to get much stuff in this section so it was nice to see some quality work.

 

[PaprikaChu]

Thanks for the honest opinion.

I really appreciate it!
I am in no way a poet, but
i was reading some of the other stuff on the site and thought i might throw in something.


Yeah i see what you mean too with the first comma separating "you" and "as".
I love the fact you made this very helpful and detailed.

gives me the incentive to write more poetry because the level of attention people might be putting into this when they read it!

Thanks again.

 

[Feathing]

You listen Sigur Ros???!!!!
I thought I would never find a person who listen to them too!!!
:D :D

I read it just once, I should read it once more so I can have a deeper opinion, but I liked it, I'm a big fan of the ocean.. And the final verse, very good ;)

 

[PaprikaChu]

Iceland just surpasses any form of avante garde when it comes to music.
sigur ros HECK YEAH. :D

 

[ShadowLeader]

I like this poem...it is very good with lots of imagery!!! dont say your not a poet... because no person who isnt a poet could write something like that!

 

[PaprikaChu]

hahahahah thank you my friend.
hopefully, i'll write some more soon.

i've only ever written 4 poems :P

 

[ShadowLeader]

very good for someone who has only written four poems...im sure Feathing agrees with me...