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- Seen Nov 14, 2013
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[Pokémon] A journey through Kalos
- Thread starter LostInKalos
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Who Replied?Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
- 1,030
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- 14
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- The Misspelled Cyrpt
- Seen Mar 15, 2014
First of all, can I suggest a formatting thing? It would make it much more pleasant to read if you left a space between paragraphs here. It's the conventional thing to do online - it's so much easier on the eyes - and you might be losing potential readers if they click to your story and see a wall of unbroken text. So there's that.
And from that to the story itself! The most striking thing to me here is this:
I'm not sure this fits the Team Flare I know. They aren't Pokémon thieves, are they? That's more the Rockets' bag - Pokémon theft and racketeering, that sort of thing. Team Flare have ideological motivations, not financial ones: they want to purge Kalos of its superfluous humanity (although what Lysandre planned to do with the rest of the world is an interesting question). Personally, I'm fine with reinterpretations of canon characters and events - but I think this is a bit too radical to be classed as a reinterpretation.
Right, I've got that off my chest: now, back to the start.
I'm just mentioning this because it doesn't make grammatical sense, and if I click on a fic and find I can't understand the first sentence, it doesn't make me want to read on. Perhaps you meant that they were like angels who left the people on earth to stare in wonder? I think so, but it's very unclear.
There's also an odd shift from present to past tense when the two boys go home. Is there meant to be a kind of division there, like that separating a prologue and a first chapter? I assume there is; if not, it's quite odd and pretty jarring as you read it.
Should be a question mark. Sometimes you can get away with substituting another mark for a question mark (or, to use its best name, a mark of interrogation), but this isn't one of those times. This also brings me to what is one of the only rules that's almost universal in writing: don't use too many exclamation marks. This chapter is littered with them, and it's actually exhausting to read. Using a few is fine - their effect is all the more powerful for its scarcity. But here, it just tires the reader out: there are so many in such a short passage.
I feel this scene is glossed over a bit. Doesn't Evan need more preparation than this? It feels as if his parents have just told him to become a Pokémon Trainer and thrown him out of the house - which is more than a little odd. Especially if they're worried, wouldn't they give him some more advice before sending their fourteen-year-old son out into the world? I would.
'Enlighted'... isn't a word. I suppose you could argue that technically it is, since Pope uses it once in one poem, but that's poetry for you. Here, I think you mean either 'lit' or 'enlightened'; I'm not sure that 'enlightened' would be appropriate, however. Perhaps some restructuring of the sentence is in order - 'the woods around them were already awash with sunlight' or something like that.
Those are the main things that went through my head as I read this. This is by no means an exhaustive review, but I hope it helps a bit when you're thinking about future chapters.
And from that to the story itself! The most striking thing to me here is this:
Team Flare took her away ... They will steal your Pokémon whenever they have the chance.
I'm not sure this fits the Team Flare I know. They aren't Pokémon thieves, are they? That's more the Rockets' bag - Pokémon theft and racketeering, that sort of thing. Team Flare have ideological motivations, not financial ones: they want to purge Kalos of its superfluous humanity (although what Lysandre planned to do with the rest of the world is an interesting question). Personally, I'm fine with reinterpretations of canon characters and events - but I think this is a bit too radical to be classed as a reinterpretation.
Right, I've got that off my chest: now, back to the start.
Radiant stars are dancing across the sky as angels and left the people who were doomed to stay on earth, stare in wonder.
I'm just mentioning this because it doesn't make grammatical sense, and if I click on a fic and find I can't understand the first sentence, it doesn't make me want to read on. Perhaps you meant that they were like angels who left the people on earth to stare in wonder? I think so, but it's very unclear.
There's also an odd shift from present to past tense when the two boys go home. Is there meant to be a kind of division there, like that separating a prologue and a first chapter? I assume there is; if not, it's quite odd and pretty jarring as you read it.
"Are you for real!" he exclaimed.
Should be a question mark. Sometimes you can get away with substituting another mark for a question mark (or, to use its best name, a mark of interrogation), but this isn't one of those times. This also brings me to what is one of the only rules that's almost universal in writing: don't use too many exclamation marks. This chapter is littered with them, and it's actually exhausting to read. Using a few is fine - their effect is all the more powerful for its scarcity. But here, it just tires the reader out: there are so many in such a short passage.
"Oh yes, and they're just one of the many problems you two will encounter," she added with a grin. "Don't go too late to sleep tonight, you'll have to get out early tomorrow. I can't believe my boy is going to be a Pokémon master like I used to be!"
I feel this scene is glossed over a bit. Doesn't Evan need more preparation than this? It feels as if his parents have just told him to become a Pokémon Trainer and thrown him out of the house - which is more than a little odd. Especially if they're worried, wouldn't they give him some more advice before sending their fourteen-year-old son out into the world? I would.
When they were awoken by Fletchling cries, the sun had already enlighted Kalos and the nearby Pokémon were all active.
'Enlighted'... isn't a word. I suppose you could argue that technically it is, since Pope uses it once in one poem, but that's poetry for you. Here, I think you mean either 'lit' or 'enlightened'; I'm not sure that 'enlightened' would be appropriate, however. Perhaps some restructuring of the sentence is in order - 'the woods around them were already awash with sunlight' or something like that.
Those are the main things that went through my head as I read this. This is by no means an exhaustive review, but I hope it helps a bit when you're thinking about future chapters.