A love deserved (PG)

[Alexithymia~]

-removed due to intense hatred-

:D

 

[starlightartist]

........Amazing........Just Simply Amazing...........More! Do More!

 

[ShinjisLover]

I'm here just like you asked. ^^​

"What would you say, if I said I love you, right now?" Your voice is soft, and I can barely hear it. You try to connect with me, but I stay un-responsive, shutting you out.

Grammar mistake: You put a comma after 'say', but that was unnecessary, as is the comma after you.

Your hand falters, when you realise that mine is still pulled closely to my side, but you still persist, attempting, once again, to connect.

After 'falters', you don't need that pesky comma.

Your eyes, so wild, and full of fear, beg me.

After 'wild', that comma is unneeded.

A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away, as I begin to realise that this could be my last moment with you. I look up, and our eyes lock.

None of the commas in this quote are needed.

I see the pain of my rejection etched on your face, and I want to reach out and comfort you, but I can't.

The contraction of 'can't', for me, doesn't work well in this sentence. Instead, you should've just said 'cannot'.

You don't belong here, and comforting you would only make everything I have to do, so much harder.

None of the commas here are needed.

Your lips meet mine, for one last token kiss, and I try to put all my love into this one kiss, so you know just how much you mean to me.

You repeated 'kiss', but that was a no-no. You should've found a synonym for kiss as it would've had better. . 'Flow', I suppose I should say, to the sentence.

"Goodbye, my love." Your voice cracks, and I know it tears you apart to say it, because I feel my heart tearing in two.

"Your" could probably be lower-cased right here.

What I've noticed is the overuse of commas in your writing. You don't always need to put a comma after every 'and' in your story as sometimes it works better without one. Case and point:

A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away. . ..

Adding to that, 'and' is not always a good way to list emotions and whatnot. Sometimes, a simple comma works better (which I hope doesn't contradict my previous statement of 'don't overuse commas').

Also what I noticed is you didn't place a setting anywhere. We have no idea where they are, what season it is, whether it's hot or cold or night or day. Regardless of how 'mysterious' you'd like your story to be, a setting is always a good idea. Eve saying something like:
"Here we stood on a dock near the bay. The colnd, frigid air couldn't soothe my hot cheeks as I felt the tears come."
At a random point in the story will give the readers an idea of where the characters are.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed your story very much, but these are just a few key things you should work on. Writing short stories like this is excellent practice.

Good job writing and I hope to see another story from you soon.​

 

[abnegation]

I feel SL has just about covered all th grammer mistakes so i'll avoid them xD

Before i start i wann say that i really enjoyed this. I would almost call it poem like with good comprehensive description.
You're attention to detail is very good but maybe a little to precise. Don't be afraid to be a little more cautious and give the reader something to ponder for a few seconds. So instead of naming out exactly what is happening try saying it in a different way. For eg. I might say 'She turned around so that her back was firmly within his line of vision' but i may change it to 'I positioned myself so that if he drew closer i would feel his breath upon the back of my neck'
You know give the reader a bit more to think about.
Where you said
Your hold on me tightens
You could say something a little less dense. Maybe 'As you hold me you try to draw me even closer but only your arms tighten around me.'
something like that. You could come up with something better^^
But i must say i did enjoy this i thought it was a nice peice of work.
I like the idea of drawing the reader in as an actual character with the writer. Sometimes people will do this anyway. But just make your stories so that you don't need to explain every detail yet keep it descriptive.
Quick example is fixate on textures,scents,sounds likenesses in different parts of a paragraph and worry less about what is going to happen next, because it's like 'I woke up, I had Breakfast, then i went to the shop, then i bought a candybar etc.' Don't be afraid to go into more depth because when you were describing how one motion was happening in detail i feel it was your best asset.

Anyways i hope that all made sense! I'm sorry for dragging on xD
But again i rather enjoyed it and i hope to see more from you!
Remember keep it descriptive and worry less about what will happen next! And most of all relax take your time and let your mind fill the page!

 

[Esper]

I agree with ShinjisLover about your comma usage. Commas can interrupt the flow of your work. So can 'buts' and 'evens' and 'even thoughs.' Like this sentence:

I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze, even through my protective curtain of hair.

sounds better (to me) as:

I bend my head, but I still feel your gaze through my protective curtain of hair.

See how it flows more smoothly? It shifts the emphasis from the hair to the gaze.

A single crystal tear spills onto my hot cheek, and I don't even bother wiping it away,

I was getting into the groove until this line hit me. Single tears and hot cheeks feel cliche to me.

"Please, stop it." I cry, and push you away.

Is this meant to be two sentences? I ask because it looks like you might have meant for there to be a comma after 'it' meaning that the words are cried (instead of said, shouted, etc.), but you could keep it as it is, perhaps with a line break like:

"Please, stop it."

I cry, and push you away. You stop...

It's like what you do it in this line.

"I love you." It's all I can say, because I know...

The trouble I'm having is with your story being in first person. I need to feel empathy for a character I'm supposed to "be." When I read

You try to connect with me, but I stay un-responsive, shutting you out.

I need to feel it. I need to understand the character somewhat because I'm supposed to be in their shoes.

There aren't many clues to the identity of these two ("This isn't your home." "You were always one of them.") so I can only guess at the forces that are pulling them apart. If I could deduce, for instance, only that one of them was a soldier and that it was 1939 then I would understand their heartache so much better and it would heighten the mystery. (Which side is he on? Which side is she on? Could he be killed if someone found out about them? Could she?)

A little editing and a sprinkling of hints and details here and there and you could have something really solid.

 

[Alexithymia~]

Thanks you three, great criticism.
I realize now that I have a comma fetish as SL so kindly put it, and actually right now as I'm typing this sentence, I keep wanting to put in loads of commas and I realize I have already put two but have somehow managed to restrain myself into putting more.

I have decided to edit my first post, to sort out my grammar mistakes but I might also write this over again, and post it to see your replies.

 

[Fallen Angel_Messiah Of Black Roses]

As the grammatical side of this has already been well covered... I have to say that this is an excellent peice, mostly because it has such an edge of emotion. It seems realistic, and I could feel a human connection to it. Two people, leaving their idenities up to the reader's imagination...Genius.

I found the point of view to be superbly put in as well. It was different from the 'norm' and that is a good thing, I like to see different POV's.

In conclusion, I feel you did this piece great.

 

[Pink Twilight]

Its nice and very unique. but maybe you should look at this - - - - - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comma - - - - -

Yes i know its wiki but its actually useful for beginners in that subject. ahh, i guess commas may be tricky sometimes but its rather easy. please promise me you will read it ;) let me know if it helps! Other than all your grammer issues it looks pretty good but what i would do is put more caption in there. its all like silent and such.

Good Job!

 

[¡Chucho!]

ERvcmnkermjnerldfk

The posts I make never send. >_< Epic frustration.

Un and re prefixes don't need dashes, and show to me how he's trying to connect.

I'll tell you more once you fix these things and when I'm less upset.

 

[rmmstnr]

That was quite lovely, I'm going to have to look up more of your writing. Oh, I used to have an unnatural love of commas as well (now it's parenthesis), just keep it in mind and you will conquer it.