A wild Magikarp appeared! (WIP)

[Desert Stream~]

This is rated E for effort. (I mean everyone)

Note: This story is based off my comic, which is sorta silly.

One day, there was a boy named Red. He had a friend named Blue. Everyone made fun of Red. "Who would name their kid after a color?" Blue though was never bullied in this way. Blue was the professor's grandson, so they knew not to make him angry.

One day, while Red was playing a game called UNG, (that stands for Un-named game) his mom called to him. "Red, the professor wants to see you!" Red hurried downstairs, hoping to get a Pokemon.

As red got to the professor's lab, he saw Blue. "The professor just left." He said.

"Dang! Just missed him!" Red shouted in frustration. He decided he would go north. Mom never let him go, because there were wild pokemon. "What's the worst that could happen? Every pokemon I've ever met has been friendly."

"WAIT!!!" Red turned around, surprised.

To Be continued.


So how do you like it? post below.

 

[Bay]

Hi, and welcome to the Fanfic section! I checked over what you posted so far and thought I would drop by to give a few pointers!

One day, there was a boy named Red. He had a friend named Blue. Everyone made fun of Red. "Who would name their kid after a color?" Blue though was never bullied in this way. Blue was the professor's grandson, so they knew not to make him angry.

First thing I want to mention is the writing style seems a bit stiff. If you separate the first few sentences like this:

One day, there was a boy named Red.
He had a friend named Blue.
Everyone made fun of Red.

Noticed how each sentence seems almost the same length? One way to strengthen your writing style is have your sentences vary in length. For this example, you can combine them like this:

One day, there was a boy named Red that everyone made fun of, but he had a friend named Blue.

Another thing I want to point out is the "Who would name their kid after a color?" line. I'm confused who said that. The other children? If so, mention that.

To be honest the pacing is going way too fast. You go from mentioning Red and Blue and then Red wanting to meet the professor. The beginning you could write in more detail Red and Blue's friendship. For instance, a scene where the kids are making fun Red again and when Blue came he told them to back off and ran away. Next scene you can then have Blue volunteer to go with Red to meet with Professor Oak.

You mentioned this was a comic before and I can understand it's a different medium from writing, but yeah I really recommend trying your best to rewrite the first part/chapter of your story. Sorry if this is overwhelming, again wanted to offer a few suggestions on improving your writing! If you have any questions or want more help, don't hesitate to ask!

 

[Chris Makise]

Lad! Alas! I'm afraid but I'll have to say, your story is in heavy need of a direction. Enhancing your writing style may help, I won't be telling how, because our mod above already said the necessity. But one thing you can do, to improve, in my gaze is to alter your writing style a little. Like instead of writing like this -

"One day, there was a boy named Red. He had a friend
named Blue. Everyone made fun of Red. "Who would name
their kid after a color?" Blue though was never bullied in this
way. Blue was the professor's grandson, so they knew not to
make him angry."

you should try something like -

"Once upon a time lived a young lad/boy named Red. Wearing a red cap and a red shirt, our young Red used to boast of his attire everyday, the young boy liked doing ... (Add up details about Red, make it as if the readers are audience watching a tv show, Write as if you're the cameraman catching every single inch of detail in the canvas).
Red was the centre of attraction to everyone, but, in a gloomy manner. Everyone made fun of him. "Who names their kid after a colour, sigh" was the same dreadful sentence he would hear by the obnoxious public." (And so on in a dramatic, more expressing manner).

Writing is all about how you make use of the words surrounding you to bequeath the awe-inspiring talent inside you. Its about expressions, perception, and concept. The reader, for example, is required to have a feeling as if they're inside the story, to do that, writers like Dan Brown for example, always gives every single inch of details in their books. So keep it on buddy! Forgive me if whatever i said is something you deem to be wrong.

 

[The Illusive Man]

I'd like to see the rest of your story. Apart from the excellent advice offered her already, I'll add that you could take a short course on writing from any free course site, such as Novoed. An interest and knowledge of writing is very useful you know, and not just for fanfics!