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among the secrets is just a tentative title. if anyone can think of a better one, i would be great ^^
this story is about a group of kids with 'special' powers who have escaped from where they were captured. it is in 1st person. with a girl named andrea telling the story.
hopefully, this will be an interesting story. it's my first one, so be careful if there is any confusing plot. hope you enjoy it, though. ^^
also note that i wrote this on word and pasted, so the format might be different
'Among the Secrets'
Prologue
Escape. Freedom. Those were my only two thoughts 2 years ago. My friends and I fled in the darkness of the night. Luck seemed to be on our side. We were never caught once. We fled away from all things evile. Away from the Academy. Away from everything…
"Quickly!" I remember yelling.
"We're not going to make it!" a girl said to my left. Her dark yellow eyes shone with fear.
The cold night air burned my lungs; it was getting harder to keep up this pace. But, we couldn't stop and take a break. Not here. Not anywhere. Not until we're safe. Soon, I thought, soon, there will be no more running.
Someone started crying behind me. It was too dark, even with the moonlight, to see who it was. The most I could do was offer a few meager words. Not much, but enough to bring a little hope that we'll be all right.
"We're almost there. Look above you. Do you see that light? I think that's the moon. When we are free, you'll see it every day," I said in my most soothing voice.
I looked behind me, a small girl stopped crying. She looked up; her topaz eyes were wide open. "So bwight and pwitty," she said with awe.
Suddenly, a boy to my right gasped, "No…don't tell me he betrayed us…"
A devil smile and glowing, dark red eyes appeared in front of me. "Too late, Ice," it said. Then, it lunged.
I stopped running and tried to shield myself. The world went black.
Part 1: The Deceivers
Chap1
I woke up in cold sweat. Groaning, I pulled the cover over my head, trying to go back to sleep. A steady sound kept me awake. 'Knock, knock, knock' it went.
"Go away!" I murmured.
The knocking continued, persistently. Each 'knock' getting progressively louder.
I gave up, "Alright, alright! Coming."
I opened the door. Outside, a little girl with blonde hair and topaz colored eyes stared intently at me. She was about five years old and was holding a teddy bear.
"Aw, what's wrong Sum?" I asked.
Summer gestured for me to bend down. "I had a bad dweem," She whispered.
Not good. I thought. Whenever Summer had a 'bad dweem', it came true. Tornadoes, fires, monsters, giant squirrels, and evil five year-old birthday parties-don't ask.
"What is it this time?" I wondered.
She stuttered out a few words, "You-you'll get ca-cau-cauwt b-by something dark and scawy." Summer then lifted her hands up and gave a clawing gesture.
"Thanks for telling me this. I'll be on the lookout."
Summer then walked back to her room. Great. Just what I need: getting captured, I thought as I went back to bed.
"It will be all wight," I heard Summer say.
Oh, that was the other thing: Summer could read minds.
generally, i write them out on paper, which is about a page to a page and a half long. when i type it out, they are Way shorter -_-.
Chap 2
I wish I could say that I have my own room. I also wish I could say that my roommate was my best friend. Sadly, that is not the case.
Sapphire, my roommate, was my exact opposite. Not one day passed without us fighting about something or other. The fights went as far as her taping a line with duct tape to separate her side and my side of the room. Just to annoy me even further, every morning she would ask me 'if I crossed the line'. Like today:
It was around 8:00 when Sapphire woke up. I was on the computer. After Summer's dream, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fall back asleep.
After she got changed, Sapphire asked me, "Yo, Andrea, did you cross the line?" her sapphire colored eyes gleamed mockingly at me.
I turned around from the computer screen and gave her a cold stare. "I'd wish you'd stop asking me that every morning."
She pretended to step backward, scared. "Chill, Ice, I'm only joking."
Ice, one of the 2 nicknames they call me. It was derived from when I get mad. For some strange reason, they turn from dark, navy blue to bright 'ice' blue. It reminded me too much of the past. It reminded me of how They treated us like animals and experimented on us. The other nickname, only four people use it, my old friends.
"Riight," I said sarcastically. Then I walked out the door and headed down the stairs. I was sure that Sapphire laughed, as she tried to find other ways to make my life miserable.
Chap 3
Down the stairs, I felt a gust of wind blow past me. Then a few noises like: "…moooaan…, woooooooo!, brraaaaiins!!"
I rolled my eyes. "Cut that out, Jupiter. I really don't have time for this."
A blondish-brownish haired boy materialized on the bottom step. His golden-amber eyes shown playfully, "You're no fun…" He gave a mock pout.
I walked past him, "Go bother Sapphire for awhile, Jupiter."
"Maybe I will," he answered and then he disappeared again.
I went down another pair of stairs. They led to the gym/training ground.
My friends and I live a house that in was almost as big as a small mansion. I feel proud to say that we built the framework ourselves. It was weird how no one caught us building it and how over the night, it magically was completed with furniture already inside. Anyways, there are 4 floors and an added deck: the basement, training ground; first floor, recreation area and library; second floor, bedrooms; and the last floor which contains a dome shaped greenhouse and a deck that surrounds it. The deck is mainly used for lookout rather than sightseeing.
By the time I got there, there were already two other people. A boy around my age, with black hair and silver eyes, sat on the bleachers, drawing. The other was a girl, a few years younger than me, with blonde hair and dark yellow eyes, was training. The girl saw me and waved. I nodded back to her and went to sit next to the boy.
"Hi, Zero," I said as I sat down.
"Hi, 'Drea," he responded, his head not looking up from his sketchbook.
"Whatcha drawing?"
He showed me. The sketch was of a dove, taking off in midflight. The dove looked almost real, except, it was missing a small detail; on its left foot, a claw on its toe was left out.
"There," I pointed at the missing detail.
Zero grinned, "You're getting better." He then flipped to another page in his sketchbook.
I knew that the dove will never be completed, nor will any of his other sketches; because of the accident eight years ago.
~~
Around eight years ago, when he was seven, a meteorite landed in Zero's backyard. Being as all seven year olds are, he was curious. Even then Zero liked to draw; he brought with him his favorite sketchbook. One night, he snuck outside when his parents were sleeping and touched the meteorite. Nothing happened at first—at least until he started to draw. He drew a dragon and showed it to his parents. The dragon came off the page, alive, and snatched his parents away. The Academy found out and 'took' him in.
After escaping, Zero vowed only to complete his sketches again if there is an absolute emergency and to find his parents (if they are alive…).
Good story so far :) I really like the characters and their abilities. It's a bummer you can't update sooner, but there was just a few things that kind of bugged me.
'The Deceivers' should be capitalized.
Just to annoy me even further, every morning she would ask me: "if I crossed the line."
The colon isn't necessary, I think. Also, unless Sapphire is saying those exact words to Andrea, 'if I crossed the line' shouldn't have quotes around it.
I was sure that Sapphire laugh, as she tried to find other ways to make my life miserable.
I'm sure this was just a typo, but you should either change 'laugh' to 'laughed', or redo the whole sentence.
Other than that, this story has good grammar and spelling. I can't wait for the next chapters, but hopefully they'll be longer. Update soon, please :)
Spelling and grammar... not my forte. but spelling? where? i typed this on word and checked my spelling from there. some of the words i purposely spelled wrong. grammar is something i need to work on, though
anyways, here is another chapter i just finished typing and checking for errors (although, i'm not that good). i should be able to post another one since there is no school tomorrow ^.^
Chap 4
You've probably guessed that we are not normal. Currently, there are six of us: Zero, me, Jupiter, Sapphire, Minerva (the girl with the yellow eyes), and Summer. There were more of us, but they either left or turned against us.
To the Academy, we were the 'special kids'. To everyone else, we were freaks; freaks with mutant powers. We have to be ready at a moment's notice, any day now, they might attack. Training is what kept us alive. That's what the girl, Minerva, was doing right now.
I walked down from the bleachers. "Minerva, can I train with you?"
Minerva nodded, "OK, attack or defense?"
"I'll be defense."
She nodded again. It's almost like a game; attack or defense; break through the line, or protection. Stat wise, my abilities give me one of the best defenses. I one of my powers allows for me to make shields. I specialize in three different types: camouflage, mind, and physical shields. They are pretty much self explanatory.
Minerva's abilities defy the laws of physics. She uses magic. That's right, magic. She even has a wand and broom. Laugh all you want, but don't underestimate her.
Minerva held here wand up high then muttered something that sounded like 'shock'. Lightning bolts rained down; her 'signature move'. I braced myself, surrounding a transparent purple dome between me and the attack but, I still fell back from the impact. Smoke filled the room. In the background, I heard Zero cough. Eventually, enough smoke dispersed so I could see the damage. I unshielded.
"Darn, not fast enough, yet," Minerva muttered. Then she went to help me up. "Nothing can beat your shields, Andrea."
"Thanks for the complement," I said, "but that was strong; the force of the impact knocked me down AFTER the shield was up." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Zero jump down from the burnt bleachers and walk up to some rubble, near the corner of the room. Just then, Jupiter and Sapphire came down.
"Aw, come on!" Jupiter cried, "Yah know, Andrea, WE have to train, too!"
"The whole place looks like it was crushed by a giant monster!" Sapphire complained.
I looked around, floorboards were scattered and destroyed, fire burned the bleachers, and there was a sulfur smell in the air.
I heard Zero say, "What's that?" He was standing above a pile of dirt and dust. "Guys, there is something here!"
I turned my head. "What?"
Zero brushed the dust away. There, underneath all the floorboards, dirt, and cement, was a chest shaped capsule. It reminded me of one of those time capsules that people fill with memories and bury it for fifteen years or so because there seemed to be a name engraved on it. Unfortunately, it was too faded to read.
The capsule had a giant padlock on it. Jupiter broke the lock with his fist and opened it. 'Creek!' went the box as the lid slowly opened. Before anyone could see what was in it, a 'beep' was heard.
"Get back!" I yelled.
Instincts alert, everyone moved within a radius of three feet from the chest. Light poured from the chest. I dared to take a peak of whatever was inside the chest. Inside was a projector. An image of a person flickered. Sapphire gasped and muttered his name. The person had dark, red eyes; dark brown hair; and a strong build.
just wondering, are you allowed to double post if you are the author?
anyways, here is another chapter
Chap 5
The projection started to talk. We just stood there, dumbfounded; me, Jupiter, Minerva, Sapphire, and Zero.
'Jake' smiled, "Well, I have a message for you, Ice. Don't worry, it's short."
I clenched my fist in fury. 'Ice' the name of the Academy. The one thing I wish to forget about. Only Zero seemed to notice my rage.
"Uh, 'Drea…" He motioned at my clenched fists, which were surrounded by a purple orb. My signature move dubbed 'energy ball'. I released my grip and attempted to relax.
'Jake' spoke again, "We are sure to meet again. Oh, and don't trust every dream you hear." 'He' winked and the projection went off.
"That was…weird…and random…" Jupiter said.
I couldn't help feel a sense of foreboding.
"What do you think he meant by 'dreams' and how did this thing get in here?" Minerva asked.
Zero and I exchanged glances; we were both thinking the same thought: Steven.
Minerva asked another question, but I was too lost in deep thought to hear her. Jake, just the name brings back memories. Painful memories. Memories of before the Academy, before the betrayal.
We had a 'gang' when we were around five; just me, Zero, Jake, and Steven. Best friends with no other care in the world except playing with each other.
Back then, Zero wasn't called 'Zero'. His real name was Zach. 'Zero' was just a nickname that just stuck on one day.
"'Drea!" a little boy with sandy hair and green eyes called me, while I was on the swings.
"Yeah, Steven?" I remember saying.
"Get Jake and Zachary and tell them to meet us at the slides. I want to play something with them."
"OK."
If I remember correctly, I found Jake and Zero in the sandbox, on the other side of the playground. They were building some sort of castle and were filling it up with water, similar to a moat.
"Steven wants to play a new game," I told them.
Jake was the leader. "OK. We'll play…superheroes," he said as we walked over to Steven, "I'll be Superguy. Steven is…is…the Timer. 'Drea will be the…Healer. And Zach…um…let me think…I know! …the No One."
"No One?? What does he do?" Zach asked.
Jake just shrugged. "I donno. Fine if you don't like that, what do you want to be called?"
Zach thought for a moment, "How about Zero?"
Jake started laughing, "Zero...huh...I like it."
Zach nodded. "Come on, let's play!"
Well, Jake liked 'Zero' so much that he continued to call Zach, 'Zero'. The name stuck. Pretty soon, everyone called him that.
Those were the good old days. Every time I think of them, they bring back tears.
I love the chapters. I'm not much of a spelling critic, or grammar, but the storyline looks really kewl so far. I can't wait for more. And from what I've read so far, it looks as if Andrea might have had some chemistry with Jake..... Maybe?? :o
First of all, if you want to review, the thing you should keep in mind is it's all about communication. If you see something that needs to be improved, you should say it right on the thread (or at least through a private means immediately after you write the review) to avoid forcing the writer to go find you and ask questions about what you're trying to say. I mean, the entire point to a writing community is basically to help each other out as writers, so you need to be willing to help out a writer without being asked or further contacted through off-the-board means, if that makes sense.
Personally, I highly recommend just writing the whole review in the open. That way, other reviewers can check out what you have to say and add to it or correct it so the writer can get the best advice. For example, why are you pointing out shadowmoon's use of "forte" in a response to their question about what's spelled wrong? It's spelled correctly.
Second, to shadowmoon, sure, it's perfectly all right for the author to double-post so long as they're posting a chapter and not a note saying their chapter is coming, you know? Basically, so long as you give us something to read, whatever you'd like to do is usually A-OK.
That being said, I'm going to cover the first couple of chapters. I could go all the way through, but sad to say, I'm a bit on the swamped side right now. But I'll do my best to help you out, and once I'm done with all the things I have to do today, I might sit down and check out the rest.
Before anything else, I want you to notice something. See how I separate all of my paragraphs with a line of blank space between them? That's how you should actually separate paragraphs in your fic. The reason why is because the longer you go without a clear break between paragraphs (which is indicated in print with an indent but indicated on the internet with a blank line thanks to the fact that browsers tend to strip indentations from documents), the harder it is for some people to read. My eyes, for example, tend to cross at huge chunks of text on a screen, so I end up skipping lines, rereading lines I just finished, or losing my place in general. It's just easier for me if everything's spaced out properly.
Formatting issues out of the way, let me check out the rest of the fic.
Strangely enough, you actually follow the correct rule earlier in the sentence. Whenever you have a number from zero to ninety-nine (with some exceptions, like dates, times, addresses, and ordinals), you'll want to write them out with letters and not actual numerals. So, it's correct to say "two thoughts," but it's not okay to say "2 years."
This is especially important to note because you'll also want to get some kind of consistency – you know, sameness in your sentence. It looks awkward if you have one instance of the word "two" written out and another instance being replaced by a numeral.
My friends and I fled in the darkness of the night.
I feel like you could use "into" instead of "in," but it actually makes sense either way. I'd suggest just playing around with both words and using the one that sounds the best to you. (As in, yeah, try reading it aloud both ways and go with the one that sounds better.)
At this point, I want you to try doing something for me. Replace the comma with a period. Do you get one full sentence or two as a result?
The reason why I ask is because it's easier to explain this rule if you check it out for yourself first. This is what we call a "run-on sentence" – specifically a "comma splice." It basically merges two full sentences into one without following the proper method of doing it (semicolon, conjunction somewhere in there... you know, things like that). The reason why this is a bad thing is because what you end up with is a bit awkward. It sounds like there's something missing in the sentence or like it should be phrased differently because the reader just expects a sentence like that to either have a conjunction or have the second half be a dependent clause (i.e., not a full sentence).
There's two ways you can fix this. The first is by leaving the period there. It's perfectly all right to have a sentence that isn't a dialogue tag (something that describes how a quote is being said) or part of the dialogue in a paragraph with a quote so long as the sentence can be executed at the same time as what's being said, if that makes sense.
The second is just rephrasing the last part so that it's not a complete sentence on its own. For example, you could say "a girl said next to me, her dark yellow eyes shining with fear." Just changing the word "shone" to "shining" causes that part of the sentence to become a dependent clause because it just doesn't make sense on its own. So, it ends up needing the rest of the sentence (the quote and the dialogue tag) to work.
This works either way, but if you'd like, try adding "not" before "until." It just sounds a little awkward because it suddenly breaks the pattern of phrases that start with "not."
Not much. But enough to bring a little hope that we'll be all right.
Try dropping the period and opt for a comma. (And, of course, make "but" lowercase in the process.) It feels like you're getting the reader to pause a little longer than is necessary between these two phrases.
"We're almost there. Look above you. Do you see that light? I think that's the moon. When we are free, you'll see it every day." I said in my most soothing voice.
Scanning the rest of your fic, I can tell you might need a little help with punctuating and capitalizing dialogue. It takes a bit of time to explain, so let me just go over the rules as quickly as possible with examples:
Spoiler:
Things To Know: There are two parts of every dialogue paragraph (where someone speaks). The first part is what I'll call the quote. It's obviously the part inside quotation marks. The second part is the dialogue tag. The dialogue tag is a bit tougher to identify, but just think of it as any part of the paragraph that says the equivalent of "he said" or "she said." As in, if it includes an action word that describes how a person is speaking, chances are, it's a dialogue tag. Be careful, though. Sometimes, you can have full sentences that aren't dialogue tags in a dialogue paragraph, as I've explained earlier.
Format #1: Dialogue Tag After The Quote
The most common format. If the dialogue tag comes after the quote and if the quote would (if it stood by itself) end in a period, replace the quote's period with a comma. Never capitalize the first word of a dialogue tag unless it's the speaker's name.
Examples
"I'm going to get milk. I'll be back in five minutes," the girl said.
"I'm going to get milk. I'll be back in five minutes!" the girl exclaimed.
"I'm going to get milk. Will you still be here in five minutes?" the girl asked.
"I'm going to get milk. Stay right here," Sally said.
Notice that you still use a comma instead of a period, even if you do capitalize the first word of the dialogue tag.
Format #2: Dialogue Tag Before The Quote
This one's an easier rule to explain. If the dialogue tag comes before the quote, put a comma at the end of the tag and always capitalize the first word of the quote. This is because the part inside the quote is treated as its own sentence, but because the dialogue tag acts as a modifier (a phrase that acts the same way as an adjective), it isn't. So, the tag always gets attached to a quote as if it's not a full sentence, even if the quote is punctuated and capitalized like it is. Confusing, but just remember that if the tag comes before the quote, comma and capitalize.
Examples
The girl said, "I'm going to get milk. I'll be back in five minutes."
Said Sally, "There's already milk in the fridge."
Format #3: Dialogue Tag Between Two Sentences Of The Quote
If the dialogue tag comes between two sentences of the quote, you first have to decide which side you want to attach the tag to. (Sometimes, the word will force you to go one way or another. "Added," for example, usually means you're going to attach the quote to the second part of the dialogue paragraph.) Once you figure that part out, it's just a matter of following either of the first two rules.
Examples
"I'm going to get milk," the girl said. "I'll be back in five minutes."
"There's already milk in the fridge." Then, after a beat of pause, Sally added, "We don't have bread, though. Could you pick some up instead?"
Format #4: Dialogue Tag Interrupting A Sentence
If the dialogue tag comes in the middle of a sentence, you'll want to surround it with commas to show that not a single part you're treating is a full sentence by itself.
Examples
"I'm going," the girl said, "to get milk."
"Annie," Sally said, "hold on. I'll go with you."
Format #5: Not A Tag
As I've said, sometimes, you come across an instance where you actually don't have a dialogue tag. These are just treated as their own sentences, no matter what. If one interrupts a quote, use dashes or ellipses to show that the speaker is either interrupting their own speech or trailing off for a brief second, respectively.
Examples
The girl put on her coat. "I'm going to get milk. I'll be back in five minutes."
"There's already milk in the fridge." Sally looked up from her book. "We don't have bread, though. Could you pick some up instead?"
"How lazy can you be?" Her companion put her hands on her hips and gave Sally a mock glare.
"I'm not..." Sally sighed and closed her book. "...lazy. You really don't think I'm lazy, do you?" (Note: Sally is trailing off briefly, but she picks up her sentence after closing her book.)
"And who left the dishes in the sink for three days?" The girl smirked, keeping her eyes steady on Sally.
"Annie—" Sally groaned and stood. "—hold on. I'll go with you." (Note: Sally stops to groan but picks up her sentence afterwards. The difference between this and the quote with the ellipses is all in the delivery. Here, the dashes show that Sally is being firm with what she's saying. She's sure, and her tone is consistent. Ellipses, meanwhile, indicate uncertainty, that a speaker's voice fades out and back in just a little.)
There's other rules about dialogue, like what to do if a speaker starts a new paragraph and everything like that. However, for the sake of keeping things simple, let me just leave it at this. Hope it's a bit helpful. I can never find a decent guide online, so hopefully, this'll point you in the right direction.
Behind what? Also, remember, whenever you insert a comma, try using a period first. If you get two sentences as a result, chances are you're about to stumble into a run-on.
Her topaz eyes wide open and nodded, "So bwight and pwitty." She said with awe.
It's actually a good thing you did this because now I have a more solid example to help you out.
Notice how no part of "her topaz eyes wide open and nodded" talks about how the quote is being said? See how there's no "she said" phrase anywhere in there? That's a good indication that you don't have a dialogue tag, which means you need to put that first phrase in its own sentence. (You'd have to rephrase it in order to get it to be a full sentence on its own. There's a verb missing in the phrase "her topaz eyes wide open," and because eyes can't really nod, you'll need to find a way to rephrase or reorder the sentence in general so that you can say that the girl's nodding, not her eyes.)
To be a bit clearer, that first part tells us what she's doing, not that she's actually speaking. On the other hand, the phrase "she said with awe" tells us that she's speaking because it has a "she said" phrase in it. Therefore, what you actually have to do is move the comma from after "nodded" to after "pwitty" and follow the first dialogue rule I gave you under the spoiler.
Because you do this kind of thing a lot, I'll leave it at that because I think you get the picture. If you need any help beyond the dialogue rules I gave you above, feel free to ask.
Also, I will have to say I cringed a little when reading Summer's dialogue in general. It's just that although young children aren't exactly coherent, they don't really replace every R with a W unless they have serious speech impediments, either. It's difficult to take her seriously, then, because she sounds a lot like a stereotypical little kid – like what people think kids sound like if they forget how they used to talk themselves. (Then again, it's hard to take her seriously in general because she reminds me of Elmer Fudd, but.)
Same thing here. While "gasped" can potentially indicate a dialogue tag, it's being used as a noun here. (A gasp.) So, you actually end up without a tag because there's no "he said" phrase here.
A devil smile and glowing dark, red eyes appeared in front of me.
Move the comma from after "dark" to after "glowing." The reason why is because you're separating adjectives that take on the same aspect of an object. As in, "glowing" describes the way it looks. So does "dark red." Those are the phrases you'd need to separate, then, because they're basically describing the way the eyes actually look.
That and you'll want to avoid being contradictory. Something that's dark can't also be glowing because the two words cancel each other out. You can have something that's dark red in color (like crimson) glow, though.
Also, I don't know. A lot of evil things in media tend to have "devil smiles" and "red eyes" (or red something, anyway), so this actually feels a little cliché. With your first chapter, you'll really want to work on pulling the reader in, and to do that, you'll want to start off with throwing their expectations out the window unless you have a plan on countering clichés and subverting tropes all over the place later. Otherwise, you end up making your fic seem familiar – like it's already been done before, essentially.
Remember to capitalize the first word of a sentence, even if it's an onomatopoeia. Also, you could actually go without "it went" because it's sort of redundant. You already establish that Ice is listening to the knocks.
The knocking continued, persistently. 'knock, knock, knock' each 'knock' getting progressively louder.
Same concept here, only you can actually get rid of the "knock, knock, knock" and keep "each knock getting progressively louder." This is because the last phrase captures the sound Ice is hearing with more accuracy than just the three knocks, but you don't want to be too repetitive.
Outside, there a little girl, about 5 years old, with blonde hair and topaz colored eyes staring intently at me.
Whenever you finish writing a chapter, remember to go back and read it aloud while proofreading. Reading aloud can help you focus on how a sentence is phrased by making you listen to exactly what you have on the page. For example, try reading this sentence aloud. Notice how you're missing something in "there a little girl"?
On top of that, there's the number thing again, and you'll probably want to rephrase everything after the word "with." Right now, you're saying that the blonde hair is staring at Ice because it's attached to the part about the eyes (which goes with "staring intently at me") with "and." It's a consistency rule, basically.
Because the rest of the fic is in the past tense, you'll want this sentence to be in the past tense too. (As in, instead of "comes," use "came.") This is for consistency and applies even if it's still true.
"Thanks for telling me this. I'll be on the lookout"
Dialogue rules actually also apply to thoughts. So, for example, if a dialogue tag (which, in this case, would be any instance of "he thought" or "she thought" if it indicates that the part in italics is a thought) comes after the quote (or italicized bit, in this case), you'll need a comma instead of a period.
Because Summer is her name, you'll need to capitalize it here.
Unfortunately, this error actually tells me something that you probably didn't mean to convey: that you'll need to proofread. Remember that after you finish writing something, you shouldn't immediately post it. Instead, you'll want to give it some time to cool off (at least half a day) before reading it over carefully. This will remove simple mistakes, so your work is cleaner and easier for the reader to get through. (The more errors you make, the more likely a reader will stop being able to focus on what you're trying to say instead of how you're saying it. That and fewer errors make the reader take your work a little more seriously.)
Read over your work aloud, and if you think you need help after that, don't be afraid to use a beta reader (someone who will read your work before you post it and offer their feedback). There's a list of beta readers in Writer's Lounge, so feel free to check it out and ask around for a little extra help.
That in mind, the overall review.
The story was all right, but the delivery could use some work. First off, as you can tell by the majority of my review, there's a lot of places where you'll want to clean things up and polish them a bit. This is actually really painless to do, and it just involves proofreading carefully (including aloud if necessary), using a beta reader, and just learning all about the different rules. (There's also a resources list in Writer's Lounge that has a bunch of links to grammatical guides. Don't be afraid to check them out.) That part might seem boring, but trust me. Clean grammar seriously improves a fic. It works out the awkward spots and makes things a lot easier for the reader.
As for the rest, it's not a bad start at all. You're doing all right at describing things (although a lot of your descriptions are awkwardly worded, as I've pointed out earlier), and starting off the prologue with an action scene was definitely a good move. It draws the reader in and makes them start wondering about what's going on. Not to mention it gets the adrenaline pumping a little.
I'm also interested in seeing what you do with these characters. Ice is already coming off as a big brother type, and it's interesting to see a pint-sized psychic. However, I do have to warn you about stereotypes. It will be hard to take Summer seriously if she constantly talks like Elmer Fudd (also as I've mentioned earlier), and if it's obvious that someone is evil thanks to their color scheme, that might take away some of the mystery because it's easier to guess who we should be keeping an eye on.
So, yeah. Just get your grammar cleaned up and be careful about your characters. I can't really comment too much about the plot itself because these are the first two chapters, but it wasn't too bad so far.
There's a few things that I'd like to point out about this. First off, remember to say why you would do something a certain way. What about it makes your method make more sense/sound better/what have you? Explaining things like that will help the writer to understand where you're coming from so that they can take apart your advice and apply the basic idea all over their fic.
Second, a few comments about the correction itself:
1. You use way too many points in ellipses. An ellipsis is only composed of three dots. (There might be four if it comes at the end of a sentence -- and only if it comes at the end of a sentence.)
2. "Everytime" is very rarely seen as one word. It's more acceptable to do it as a two-word phrase ("every time"). This is because it's a lot like saying every + any normal noun. Every is an adjective in that case, not a prefix.
3. Don't capitalize in the middle of a sentence unless you're dealing with a proper noun (the name of a special person, place, thing, or idea). This refers to the fact that you capitalized "it" after "well." (Technically, you shouldn't capitalize any part of this except the first word -- "every" -- because this is all one sentence.)
4. Rephrasing it like this actually loses a bit of shadowmoon's meaning.
First off, she wanted to have the narrator mimic Summer's way of speaking -- hence "bad dweem" instead of just saying "a bad dream."
Second, having it trail off so frequently makes it feel like the narrator isn't sure how to put things when shadowmoon wants him to be absolutely confident in saying that Summer's bad dreams always come true. It's saying there's no question about it, and the narrator is so used to it that he really has no problem explaining that it happens.
Third, by not adding in some specific examples (as in, leaving it at just "bad things"), she's losing some opportunity at not only giving the reader some interesting mental images (as well as giving them an idea of what these guys have already been through) but also adding a bit of humor with the birthday party bit at the end.
In short, I'd say the quote works as it is, to be honest. It gives the reader the impression that these things definitely happen, and it gives them a few ideas of what the cast is really like. Not to mention I can't really argue with any proper use of Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking.
"Andrea, are you alright?" asked someone, snapping me out of my memories.
I wiped away my last tear and said, "Yeah."
Behind me, I heard Sapphire whisper in rage and in sadness, "Why, Jake? Why did you have to leave me?"
Don't go thinking weird thoughts. I should explain that Jake and Sapphire and siblings. Jake is my age and Sapphire is about two years younger. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't know what to say. I don't think that any amount of words will help. Instead, I surveyed the wreck.
"Let's clean up here," I said.
Everyone agreed. Something to take their thoughts off, I bet, I thought. Of course, it just made my mind wander. Compared to the other messes we've been in, this was nothing. One time, we had to rebuild half the house (stupid birthday party…)
This incident got me thinking. When we built and rebuilt the house, the process was so short. After we laid the foundations and the support beams, it took-literally-the night. The house was suddenly built. From my understanding, that was not supposed to happen. Also, I've seen not one person since we have escaped from the Academy. Something's wrong. Something I just couldn't place.
~~
Summer was waiting for us upstairs. "I had anotha dweem," she quietly said.
"Really?" I asked.
Summer nodded. "It was about my sistaw. I know where she is."
Summer's sister, Rebecca, was captured about six months ago. No one knew who did it, or how it happened. She just disappeared. 'Poofed' is what Summer called it.
"Where?" I asked.
Summer shrugged. "Some tall building, it was too froggy. I couldn't see anything. I just heard her scweem."
Froggy? I wondered. Then, it hit me. "Oh! You mean foggy!" I said with realization.
Summer nodded again. "Yup!"
I went to go find Sapphire. She was looking out of the window in our room.
"Fire…I have a job for you. Something to hopefully take your mind off…" I started to say.
Sapphire turned and whipped the tears onto her sleeve. "Fine. What do you want for me to do?"
"I need for you to do some scouting."
Sapphire immediately brightened up. This is the only time that Sapphire periodically doesn't get on my nerves. I guess being cooped up in this confined space really annoys a person.
She'll do anything to be out in the open air. "Really? Where?"
"Summer said that she 'saw' her sister in some tall building near fog. Be careful. It might be related to the Academy or Evile," then in a lower voice, I told her, "Also, as a favor for me, see if you can find any people."
"PEOPLE?!"Sapphire repeated, aghast, "Andrea, are you out of your mind?! Do you know what PEOPLE would do if they found out about us??"
I gestured for her to be quiet, "Hush. It's my special mission for you. Take it or leave it."
I felt sorry for saying that to her, after what has happened, but this NEEDED to be kept a secret.
She gave me the salute gesture. "I don't know what has gotten to you, Ice. Chill out, but, yes, I will take the job," she said. Sapphire then opened the window and jumped down. Her wings opened about halfway through the fall and she glided away. "See ya later, Captain!" she yelled.
I sighed. "Just be careful!" I yelled back.
After Sapphire left, I went to go find Zero. I had to talk to him about the projection and another issue. As I passed by Summer, I felt a different "aura", as Minerva would say, radiating around her. It was different. Something cold and wicked.
great job.
it's getting really interesting.
i laughed when i saw the name Rebecca.
that's my name. it's just spelled different.
i can't wait for Chapter 7.
awesome!
-Starr-
Oooooohhhhhh...... A sinister chapter! My favorite. :) I wonder wassup with Summer? Working with the bad guys? :/ Oh well, this was a good chapter. I've enjoyed it.
