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Ben's Pokemon Adventure (PG 13)

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The Advisor 2000

The Pokemon Advisor
    • 5
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    Chapter One
    I Choose You Charmander​

    Ben woke up 5 o'clock in the morning and put on his clothes. He was wearing a red hat, a white shirt, blue pants, and white shoes. Ben went downstairs and he saw his mom holding five pokeballs with a pokedex and he saw his dad holding a single pokeball.​

    "Good morning Ben," said Ben's mom.
    "Good morning mom and dad," said Ben.
    "I went to Samuel Oak's laboratory and he gave me this pokemon for you," said Ben's dad.
    "That is amazing," said Ben. "What pokemon is it?"
    "Well actually, I was just fooling you," said Ben's dad while laughing.
    "That's not cool dad," said Ben.​

    Ben glared at his dad and grabbed his pokedex and his five pokeballs and left the house. Ben walked towards Samuel Oak's laboratory and when he was inside, he saw him holding a pokeball. Ben walked towards Samuel Oak and he handed Ben's first pokemon to him.​

    "This is your first pokemon, if you don't want it, you can always choose from others," said Samuel Oak.
    "Alright, just put it down on the table with the other pokeballs and mix up the bunch," said Ben.
    "Alright, I'll do so," said Samuel Oak while mixing up five different pokeballs.​

    When Samuel Oak was done mixing up the pokeballs, Ben walked to the brown table and carefully chose a pokemon. Ben grabbed a pokeball and threw it on the ground. The pokeball opened and the pokemon chose to be a Bulbasaur. Ben didn't like the pokemon so he grabbed another pokeball and opened that one by throwing it on the ground.​

    The pokeball opened and the pokemon chose to be a Charmander. Ben didn't like the pokemon so he grabbed another pokeball and opened and threw that one towards the ground. The pokeball opened and the pokemon chose to be a Squirtle.​

    Ben liked the Squirtle and they both smiled at each other. Ben put Squirtle back into the pokeball and said goodbye to Samuel Oak. Ben walked outside the laboratory and he saw his mom and dad.​

    "I see that you chose a pokemon," said Ben's dad.
    "Shut up dad, I hate you," said Ben while crying past his mom and dad.
    "You making me shut up boy! You better come back over here and make me shut up!" hollered Ben's dad.​

    Ben walked back to his dad and punched him in a violent way. Ben's dad fell back on to the ground and was mad that his own son punched him in the cheek. Ben's dad got up and he walked to the house.​

    "Yeah you better walk away, you punk ass!" hollered Ben while looking at his dad and mom walking to the house.
    "What did you say boy?! You better come walk to me and say that in front of my face!" hollered Ben's dad while stopping and facing his son.​

    Ben walked towards his dad and said it again. Ben's dad was enranged about his son and then Ben's dad punched him right back. Ben glared at his dad and ran away. Later on that morning, Ben started walking when he was away from his dad.​
     
    Sydian

    Sydian

    fake your death.
    • 33,379
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    -sigh- Here we go.

    Ben woke up 5 o'clock in the morning and put on his clothes. He was wearing a red hat, a white shirt, blue pants, and white shoes. Ben went downstairs and he saw his mom holding five pokeballs with a pokedex and he saw his dad holding a single pokeball.
    Click to expand...

    Alright, the description is...lacking. You just kinda listed everything. Nothing really flowed. That and...where's important stuff? Hair color and style?

    "Good morning Ben," said Ben's mom.
    "Good morning mom and dad," said Ben.
    "I went to Samuel Oak's laboratory and he gave me this pokemon for you," said Ben's dad.
    "That is amazing," said Ben. "What pokemon is it?"
    "Well actually, I was just fooling you," said Ben's dad while laughing.
    "That's not cool dad," said Ben.
    Click to expand...

    Hey. Hey. Hey. A hint! -hinthint- Hit enter twice when someone new speaks! But hey! At least this isn't a Great Wall of Texta.

    Ben glared at his dad and grabbed his pokedex and his five pokeballs and left the house. Ben walked towards Samuel Oak's laboratory and when he was inside, he saw him holding a pokeball. Ben walked towards Samuel Oak and he handed Ben's first pokemon to him.
    Click to expand...

    What ever happened to Professor Oak? And what do the three starters look like?

    "I see that you chose a pokemon," said Ben's dad.
    "Shut up dad, I hate you," said Ben while crying past his mom and dad.
    "You making me shut up boy! You better come back over here and make me shut up!" hollered Ben's dad.​


    Ben walked back to his dad and punched him in a violent way. Ben's dad fell back on to the ground and was mad that his own son punched him in the cheek. Ben's dad got up and he walked to the house.​


    "Yeah you better walk away, you punk ass!" hollered Ben while looking at his dad and mom walking to the house.
    "What did you say boy?! You better come walk to me and say that in front of my face!" hollered Ben's dad while stopping and facing his son.​


    Ben walked towards his dad and said it again. Ben's dad was enranged about his son and then Ben's dad punched him right back. Ben glared at his dad and ran away. Later on that morning, Ben started walking when he was away from his dad.​
    Click to expand...

    Well, at least there's a tension in the story. But the way you portray it...it just doesn't fit, you know? It's 'he said that and he was all blah blah blah so I was all blah blah blah and then he was punchin on me so I was punchin on him' It was very rushed.

    That type of ordeal. Work on this some more. I know you just joined, so...yeah. This needs work.

    And. It's too short.

    -Silver
     

    The Advisor 2000

    The Pokemon Advisor
    • 5
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    Alright, that is amazing, I put this on nine different pokemon forums and I have to say, no one liked my writing. I am very amazed, thank you for reviewing it and if the Ansitus guy comes and locks this, I will be upset because no one calls me a writer in any pokemon forum I have wrote on. So thank you for the review.
     
    Sydian

    Sydian

    fake your death.
    • 33,379
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    16
    Years
    OMG. One thing to know.

    The amazing Astinus is a girl. GIRL. Female. Like me. GIRL.

    And I don't think she'll close it so quickly. Just...make improvements. That's all I can say.

    And you're welcome. I'll safely assume you'll take all advice into consideration, unlike most people.
     

    Neo_Pikachu

    Pokémon Master
    • 37
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    15
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    • Seen Jan 31, 2010
    I also don't get why the title of the chapter says I choose you Charmander, when he got a Squirtle.
     
    Sydian

    Sydian

    fake your death.
    • 33,379
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    I also don't get why the title of the chapter says I choose you Charmander, when he got a Squirtle.
    Click to expand...

    I was quite wondering that myself. o.o

    It is a little odd, non?

    Why has this gotten more hits than my oneshot?
     

    BREAKINGBEN

    • 625
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    16
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    • Seen Feb 3, 2023
    Look, you shouldn't give up on writing just like that. A lot of people just give up after their first fic, don't do that. There's still a lot of hope for writing and I believe the people here at Pokecommunity are some of the best/nicest reviewers around. We'll certainly help you become a great writer! Just keep writing and listen to our advice :)!

    As for the story, that was kind of a drastic change. The son just turned on his dad? Maybe you could have put in some hints of past tension with them... to make things more sensible. Good start, but as I said in other threads, OT fics like this (based strictly off the games) are way too common and, for the most part, poorly executed. Think of something original and take you time. If you put effort into it, then you will see how good you can actually write :).

    Just don't give in this quickly.

    Same here! Mine only got like 20 hits >:O!!

    P.S.- Writing a story about me is very flattering, but it will get you no where XD! Just kidding -.- :).
     
    Last edited:
    icomeanon6

    icomeanon6

    It's "I Come Anon"
    • 1,184
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    16
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    I'm not going to delve into grammar because Smeargle has covered that so well already, but I will say that the flow of this chapter seemed awkward, especially the dialog. I know that it's hard to proofread your own work, but here's a method that I find effective for controlling flow: Read your story out loud before posting it. When you proofread your own work without hearing it, you will subconsciously miss a lot of mistakes because you already know what it's supposed to say.
    "You making me shut up boy! ..."
    Click to expand...
    I'm not sure what you meant to write there. I can see two ways that it could be interpreted: "You're making me shut up, boy!" and "Make me shut up, boy!" Did you mean one of those sentences or something different?

    On the positive side, it's good that your characters have such a potentially complex conflict. However, I suggest that you give us some details about why they have this apparent hatred for one another.

    Before you write more chapters in your fic, I would revise this chapter and incorporate the fixes/suggestions from the other reviewers. Fixing prior work is an excellent way of showing the forum how serious you are as a writer.
    thank you for reviewing it and if the Ansitus guy comes and locks this, I will be upset because no one calls me a writer in any pokemon forum I have wrote on.
    Click to expand...
    Astinus doesn't lock threads without good reason, so don't be bitter if she does. I don't think she'll lock this one, though, seeing as no major rules were broken. She usually only locks fics that are either incomprehensible, insultingly short, or both. I'm positive she won't lock yours if you take the time to revise and improve your existing work.

    Keep at it, and remember, taking your time is the key!
     

    The Advisor 2000

    The Pokemon Advisor
    • 5
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    15
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    Silver: I'll PM you my brothers username because he looked this over and he says that your a good review person to look over his work on writing.
    B.B.: I'll PM you my brothers username also to PM him, he looks forward into the two of you has his main reviewers.
    Neo: Well that's a great point because I'm done, writing isn't my thing, gaming is.
    Icomeanon6: I like your first review and I got a good reason for she can lock this one, I'm asking a higher-up to lock it up =]

    THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT TIME I ENJOYED ON THIS POKEMON FORUM.
     
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