Biohazard (PG-10)

[Incinermyn]

Table of Contents
Prologue: Remnants
Chapter One: Friends? (Revising)

Biohazard

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Rating: PG-10 (or just PG) for occasional mild language, brief scenes of violence, and dark themes.

Basis: Pokémon Mystery Dungeon: Blue Rescue Team/Original Idea, Characters, and Plot

Genres: Action/Adventure, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Cartoon Comedy, some Horror/Suspense and some Comedic Romance

Disclaimer, Author's Notes, and…some stuff about me

-I do not own Pokémon or Pokémon Mystery Dungeon. I've written this piece because I was bored and had an idea for a story that could take place in the PMD world.

-Some locations in the PMD world may (or may not) have been changed and some of my own have been added to better suit my plot, theme, and time setting.

-This piece contains fake Pokémon as well as other things of my own creation (it is fiction after all and they have some significance to my story).

-I wasn't satisfied with how the last version of this was turning out, so I decided to do some revising to make the chapters a little fuller. If you read the last version, you'll notice some serious changes to the few things I had, especially in the prologue and chapter two (I should give some credit to Hanako Tabris and Alter Ego, since they pointed out what should've been done better with their critiques on the last version, which really got me thinking about stuff).

-Finally, this really isn't the first thing that I've written for fun. I've been writing stuff for my own entertainment since my senior year in high school (specifically, since November 04) and some of my things were Pokemon fanfics, but, since I'm shy, I never worked up the courage to post them anywhere… This one was the first I decided to actually post and, even though I had it up before, but then had it closed so I could revise it, I'd again like to some constructive criticism on this.
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Prologue: Remnants

Canersia the Ascetic's Prophecy

Such arrogance unparalleled since the Age of Man.
The meteor should have brought us death,
But its destruction shall only bring changes.
In the ten years that follow its demolition, this world shall transmute,
Becoming inhospitable to the indigenous organisms,
Turning suitable for the savages that thrived in eras past.

But the worst this certainly is not…

A second threat shall emerge.
A monster that Man's sciences created.
A demon so deathly atrocious it was christened Biohazard.

And with it, life shall be razed in a way most heinous…
______________________________________________________________________________

It was dark within the ruins of a human facility. Consuming virtually every inch of every corridor inside the laboratory, the inky shadows were only dispelled somewhat by a moderate-sized flame's illumination. This flame was the only light for the three adventurers that dared to trek within the structure's confines, enough so that each of the group's members was visible.

In the front of the relatively tight-knit triad slowly ambling through the blackness that otherwise consumed the inky tunnel was Alakazam, the troupe's leader. Standing at a height of 4' 11", the humanoid's distinguishing characteristic was his massive light-brown cranium that was shaped roughly like five-pointed star. His narrow mouth extended away from the rectangular eyes and spiked cheekbones that formed his face. At the opposite end of his head was a pair of long cone-like ears that formed a 'V' atop his brow. Apparently supporting his oversized noggin, the creature's dark brown trunk consisted of an area with large shoulders but quickly gave way to a chest that thinned out into a meager-sized abdomen. Stemming from his shoulders were two light brown arms that were so scrawny that they probably wouldn't even be able to lift the spoons Alakazam carried the three-fingered hands at the ends of his dark brown forearms if not for the fact his telekinesis helped control his form. Out of his pelvic area, a pair of wiry legs that gave way to his hoof-shaped feet protruded.

Directly behind Alakazam, Charizard followed. At a height of 5' 7", the orange-red dragon's stature was considerably better built than his comrade in the lead. Not as heavily reliant on mystic powers as Alakazam, the beast's head was considerably smaller and supported by a strong neck that extended from his upper body. A pair of strong wings with blue undersides protruded from his torso's backside. At their bases, his arms extended away from his torso a little. With three-fingered hands that had pointed claws at their tips, he could easily grasp most types of flesh, if he needed to. His abdomen was rounded, almost egg-shaped, with a large area that had a yellow-orange coloration. A pair of sturdy legs also supported this part of his body. Dragging behind him, Charizard's long tail possessed the flame providing their light. Keeping his wings somewhat tucked near his shoulders, the beast tried to maximize the amount of light that the group had by reducing how much his body blocked.

Lingering a couple feet behind Charizard, Tyranitar took up the group's rear. With a build far better than that of his allies, the burly rock creature towered over the other two at a height of 6' 7". His face protruded only somewhat away from the smooth grayish-green frontal area of the stone armor covering his head, neck, and torso. Atop his virtually flat yet slanted crest, a threesome of spikes stuck up; two over the areas behind each of his eyes, the third jabbing higher than the others like a horn from the center of his skull. On the backside of the thick hide covering his strong neck and shoulders, two rows of long stalagmites emerged, symbols of his earthen nature. Several different portions of the beast's armored hide covered his strong arms so they were still free to bend as needed. A blue rhombus on the midsection where Tyranitar's torso gave way to his abdomen marked the division point in the upper and lower parts of his hard skin. Unlike his upper body, the stone being's abdomen had no protrusions other than the stout legs supporting his behemoth form. His tail in tow behind him was thick yet smooth until several spikes emerged near its cone-like tip.

The illustrious Team ACT had been sent to the remnants of a once thriving human city for the sole reason of investigating for anything that might be of interest, any type of relic or tool. So far, their expedition had turned up fruitless, having found nothing worth taking. Hopefully, the massive structure they were now in would house something worthwhile.

With limited visibility, though, their search was limited mostly to having Alakazam use his psychokinesis to sense for anything that might lie within the rooms off to the sides of the hall they traversed. But, even then, this didn't stop the other two from taking in the structure's 'historic' atmosphere.

The illumination of Charizard's tail flame reached to the walls several feet to each side of the group. Slowly shifting his head from left to right as the three of them passed, Tyranitar was just able to see the occasional holes in them that its glow revealed.

"I can't believe this place just sat like this for years without anyone check it out…" he uttered.

Hearing him but still moving forward without turning, Alakazam replied, "You do realize that this town was discovered just a few days ago, correct, Tyranitar? Regardless, no one else may come here until we're done."

"Yeah, I know. It's just too bad it wasn't found sooner. This was a seriously awesome find!" Tyranitar almost barked, his voice carrying somewhat down the hall.

"Indeed… This was quite an elaborate settlement the humans had. If only we could…" Alakazam uttered, before a loud creaking echoed throughout the compound.

Stopping in their tracks, the threesome tilted their heads upward, where there also seemed to be a banging sound. After a few moments, both reverberations went silent.

"This place isn't gonna collapse, is it?" Tyranitar then asked.

"Something up there?" Charizard inquired concurrently.

"No… It was just the building settling," Alakazam replied, returning his head to its former position. The other two did the same.

Charizard immediately commented, "You sure you didn't sense anything? Sounded like something was crawling through the vents to me."

"I am positive. There was nothing there. Let us continue," Alakazam responded as he started walking again. Releasing a sighing breath, Charizard followed his lead, as did Tyranitar.

As the group continued in silence, Charizard found that he couldn't help but focus his stare somewhat towards the yellowed tiles covering the floor. A layer of grime covered the surface and, with every step he took, it seemed to cake on the soles of his feet. Normally, it wouldn't have bothered him, but the grungy build-up felt as if it were moving on the surface of his skin.

Sneering his nose at the feeling it was giving him, the dragon inhaled a considerable amount of the stale air. In doing so, the slight scent of rotting eggs mixed in with the musty stench entered his nostrils.

Snorting, he uttered, "Do you guys smell that?"

Forcing his irises to the backmost parts of his eyes, Alakazam replied, "That was scent of sulfur you just whiffed… Perhaps some of the gas that was once used in the heating of chemicals still lingers within the gas lines in some classrooms."

Returning his stare forward, Alakazam suddenly stopped. Moving up to his sides, Charizard to his right; Tyranitar to his left, the others came to see why he halted.

Charizard's flame revealed a fork in the tunnel with a doorway marking its V-shaped divide. Emerging from the door and thickly coating a good portion of junction's beginning, there was a hideous-looking substance. Its surface bared alternating lime and black streaks of varying sizes.

"What…is that?" Tyranitar asked, turning his head to Alakazam with a disgusted expression on his face.

"It's some type of amoebic colony. I'll clear the paths with Psychic," the humanoid creature responded, eyes starting to glow a light blue.

The sludge shifted slightly, but retook its position almost immediately.

"What's wrong?" Tyranitar barked.

"It's forcing me to focus on only a few cells at a time. I can't move it," Alakazam replied, causing his eyes to return to normal.

Something a ways behind the threesome dropped onto the floor causing a thud against the tile. Hearing it, Charizard turned back and walked two steps away from the others.

"We've got company!" he barked, causing a pair of long purplish claws to appear at the ends of his fingers.

"Blood…" a faint voice replied.

Two rows of fangs shot forth from the shadows. In a vertical position, the large maw clamped onto Charizard's neck; biting hard with its serrated teeth, piercing his skin like knives. Securing its prey, the fiend yanked him away from the others.

"Charizard!" Tyranitar and Alakazam barked, whipping their bodies around.

Dropping Charizard onto his back, the creature immediately started to wrapped its slender body around the dragon. Winding its coils with an alternating series of lime and black rings running their length around Charizard's body, the organism constricted around his abdomen and tail tightly.

"Get off!" the dragon barked, trying to tear the snakelike beast's hide with his Shadow Claw. But, the monstrosity's elastic flesh caused its body to form to the attack, making it useless.

"GUY-YEEE!" his assailant shrilled as Alakazam used Psychic to gain control of it.

Forcing it to release its mouth's clamp and loosen its coils, he removed the monster from around Charizard's body and caused it to levitate in midair. As Charizard stood and moved by the others two, Alakazam then forced the fiend to contract its body into a form with a stubby head sticking away from an overall cone of a body. Doing this caused a row of red spines to rise from the creature's backside.

"Didn't you sense thing!" Charizard barked, feeling his neck where the beast bit him.

"Its physiology made it invisible to my powers before. I'm even using the bulk of them just to hold it!" Alakazam replied.

Tyranitar walked towards the creature before them and asked, "What is this thing?"

"A parasite…" Alakazam uttered, panting.

Rotating in midair so it faced away from them, the leech screamed, "GUY-YEEE! None shall attack the progeny!"

Something behind the group gave an earsplitting yelp. Before anyone could turn to it, each team member was stabbed in the back of his neck.

Afterwards, the parasite dropped to the floor. Within seconds, Alakazam flopped upon the surface face first, his spoons falling to his sides as he did. Then, Charizard did…followed by Tyranitar, who caused the entire building to shake somewhat upon landing.

Elongating its neck so its head loomed over Charizard, the leech bent its elliptic maw to reveal its red oval shaped eyes with slits in their centers and said, "Pity… You would have been my only meal."

Turning its face towards the others, it finished, "But now…"

Once it finished, it retracted its neck and slicked off back into the shadows from whence it came…

End Prologue

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Hope that was good enough… I'm working on Chapter One's revisions, but there's not a whole lot I want to do beyond touch up the narration and some parts of the dialogue. I can't say exactly when it'll be up, but it might be either later this week or, more likely, some time next week.

Anyways, feel free to critique, but, like I said before, try and keep it constructive…

 

[Act]

-Also, anyone who read the last version of this knows that I've got some decent writing skills, at least when it comes to overall spelling and grammar. The thing that kind of surprised me, though, was how no one asked about how I'm so good with those. But then, it was probably obvious that I've taken a couple college-level English/writing courses. Granted, it was only two essay-writing ones at a junior college and I took off this past semester to work, but I did pretty well in those and other general courses (junior colleges cover the college freshmen/sophomore years, which are supposed to be for general studies) with a 'B' average.

Love, you're on a writing forum. No one's going to marvel that you can use a semicolon correctly (though whether or not you can, I suppose, is up for debate). And furthermore, hopefully, it doesn't take a college-level education for someone to be able to write properly. Hell, I've been at it since I was 12. This is dripping with conceit. It's no longer up to you to decide whether or no you're awesome, it's up to the reader. So jump off the high horse.

Now sit tight while I concrit.


EDIT:

It was dark within the ruins of a human facility.

The juxtaposition of articles here is off. 'The ruins' refers to specific ruins. 'A facility' refers to something about which the narrator/reader has no specifics. But if the ruins and the facility are one and the same, how can they be 'the ruins' but 'a facility?' Either eliminate 'the' or change 'a' to 'the.'

Consuming virtually every inch of every corridor inside the laboratory, the inky shadows were only dispelled somewhat by a moderate-sized flame's illumination.

a) You repeat the word 'every.' Do avoid word repetition.
b) The syntax here is… weird, to say the least. There are a lot of qualifiers in this sentence. "Only, somewhat, moderate…" If makes the sentence very hard to interpret. Do reword.
c)

sized flame's illumination . This flame was the only light for the three adventurers that dared to trek within the structure's confines, enough so that each of the group's members was visible.

a) Word repetition: flame
b) Again… screwy syntax. The clause at the end has nothing to do with the rest of the sentence, and there are way too many prepositional phrases.

In the front of the relatively tight-knit triad slowly ambling through the blackness that otherwise consumed the inky tunnel was Alakazam

This is one hell of a run-on sentence. And again… all these qualifiers. Just say, "In front of the travelers was an alakazam," and be done with it.

Standing at a height of 4' 11", the humanoid's distinguishing characteristic was his massive light-brown cranium that was shaped roughly like five-pointed star. His narrow mouth extended away from the rectangular eyes and spiked cheekbones that formed his face. At the opposite end of his head was a pair of long cone-like ears that formed a 'V' atop his brow. Apparently supporting his oversized noggin, the creature's dark brown trunk consisted of an area with large shoulders but quickly gave way to a chest that thinned out into a meager-sized abdomen. Stemming from his shoulders were two light brown arms that were so scrawny that they probably wouldn't even be able to lift the spoons Alakazam carried the three-fingered hands at the ends of his dark brown forearms if not for the fact his telekinesis helped control his form. Out of his pelvic area, a pair of wiry legs that gave way to his hoof-shaped feet protruded.

Here I will include two segments:

Part 1: Don't patronize your audience.

We all *know* what an alakazam looks like. Don't introduce him and then go into a paragraph of ridiculously lengthy and purple description, because it's boring and generally kind of funny to read ("Apparently supporting his oversized noggin?" Are you serious?).

Snarkiness aside, you have to keep your audience in mind. Some description is sort of alright, but this is ridiculous. We know what pokemon are. You don't have to tell us.

Part 2: Don't give a chunk of description after introducing a character.

I've done this rant so many times, I just copy and paste from my other reviews.

Alright. This is a bad way to introduce a character. Unless her hair color and her clothing are major plot points (or plot points at all), this minimizes the character, makes her superficial, takes the reader out of the story, is extremely random, is a common mistake in our fandom, has nothing to do with anything else, I as a reader don't care what she is wearing, is a sign of an inexperienced writer who can't come up with a better way to introduce a character…

Should I continue?

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Her dark hair hung in her face as she gazed at the screen in terror,' or something. But saying, "Her, long, raven, lustrous hair and expensive designer jeans which were complemented by an emerald-green top made of imported fabrics…' It's overkill. It flattens your prose and makes it sound young. It is a major peeve of every really good writer I know, myself aside (believe me, I don't fall into that group). Don't. Fight the urge. Introduce a character as a person, not a manikin.

There.

Holy jeebus, you did it three times in a row. O___o.

The illustrious Team ACT had been

*snorfle* Good luck with that name.

With limited visibility, though, their search was limited mostly to

Word repetition.

But, even then, this didn't stop the other two from taking in the structure's 'historic' atmosphere.

This sentence doesn't make much sense in context. And why is historic in quotes?

"I can't believe this place just sat like this for years without anyone check it out…" he uttered.

Someone told you not to use 'said,' huh? That was bad advice. Use 'said,' it's a word. And for here, it's the right word.

Hearing him but still moving forward without turning

This is kind of inane. Do people usually have to stop when they have conversations?

Tyranitar almost barked

Questionable use of 'barked.'

we could…" Alakazam uttered, before

Wrong use of 'uttered.'

After a few moments, both reverberations went silent.

'Reverberations,' don't so much 'go silent' as they do 'stop.'

Charizard inquired concurrently.

Put the thesaurus away. Now. It's making you look foolish.

In doing so, the slight scent of rotting eggs mixed in with the musty stench entered his nostrils.

Snorting, he uttered, "Do you guys smell that?"

Why didn't he smell it before? He was breathing, right?

Moving up to his sides, Charizard to his right; Tyranitar to his left, the others came to see why he halted.

So you *don't* know how to use a semicolon. Interesting. Well, get rid of it, it's used incorrectly. Also, these commas should probably be dashes/hyphens.

onto Charizard's neck; biting hard with its serrated teeth, piercing his skin like knives.

Again, wrong. A semicolon must connect two complete clauses.

and moved by the others two,

Typo, 'other.'

----

Alright. Well.

The story was actually not bad at all. Whether or not it was plausible is up in the air IMO, but the plot was good.

The writing, though, was another story…

The mechanics weren't horrible, but there were consistent grammatical errors. Also, the diction really, really needed work. The prose was so obviously straight out of a thesaurus that it actually sounded *funny.* And not, 'strange,' but, 'Is he seriously saying that?' funny. It comes off like a trollish parody of how purple prose authors actually write. Please, put down the thesaurus. Your writing will be better for it.

Another issue was the description… it was there… in all the wrong places.

Also, you had a lot of weird syntax problems. I pointed most all of them out, but there were very few pristinely contrasted sentences.

My suggestion to you, besides studying up on grammar, is to read good literature. Study how other people use words and structure their sentences. You'll quickly see what works and what doesn't; how you've set up your prose… it doesn't work. It needs a lot of editing.

Good luck, though. You have a good idea. You just need to work on presenting it. That takes time… remember: revision = love.

 

[Incinermyn]

Well... this was unexpected... I was kinda hoping to get back the audience I had before, but at least someone took the time to read it.

While you raise some good points, Act, I should tell you that Alter Ego actually chewed me out before because of the fact that I was too skimpy on discription, specifically on how I didn't describe the characters at all and how I didn't focus on building the mood, which I was trying to do this time around.

Sigh... I just wish you wouldn't have demeaned my intelligence in the beginning of your critique though... There was a only one other time before coming here that I tried posting something I wrote and the person who critiqued it did that did something like that, only a little harsher though...

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Love, you're on a writing forum. No one's going to marvel that you can use a semicolon correctly (though whether or not you can, I suppose, is up for debate). And furthermore, hopefully, it doesn't take a college-level education for someone to be able to write properly. Hell, I've been at it since I was 12. This is dripping with conceit. It's no longer up to you to decide whether or no you're awesome, it's up to the reader. So jump off the high horse.

Hm... I didn't see anything of the kind in those opening remarks. Thin-skinned, eh?

Now sit tight while I concrit.



Here I will include two segments:

Part 1: Don't patronize your audience.

We all *know* what an alakazam looks like. Don't introduce him and then go into a paragraph of ridiculously lengthy and purple description, because it's boring and generally kind of funny to read ("Apparently supporting his oversized noggin?" Are you serious?).

Are you from Mars or something? On this forum, you are generally to assume that your audience doesn't know what the hell you're talking about when you state a Pokemon. Why? Because if you were writing a fantasy novel of your own creation and you said "A Purple Floomaflaxion" was standing beside you, nobody would know what the hell you were talking about. Description is necessary, not only because it trains you to write proper fiction, but also because if you don't describe what a creature looks like your audience will leave it completely up to their imaginations. I know it sounds a bit silly, but even on a Pokemon forum you are supposed to write as if your audience has no clue what a Pokemon is. (BTW, this also helps widen the audience, since anyone and not just a member of a set fandom can read your work without problem.)

Snarkiness aside, you have to keep your audience in mind. Some description is sort of Always alright, but this is ridiculous better. We know what pokemon are. You don't have to tell us.

Edited to better reflect judgment.

Part 2: Don't give a chunk of description after introducing a character.

I've done this rant so many times, I just copy and paste from my other reviews.


Alright. This is a bad way to introduce a character. Unless her hair color and her clothing are major plot points (or plot points at all), this minimizes the character, makes her superficial, takes the reader out of the story, is extremely random, is a common mistake in our fandom, has nothing to do with anything else, I as a reader don't care what she is wearing, is a sign of an inexperienced writer who can't come up with a better way to introduce a character…

Should I continue?

There's nothing wrong with saying, "Her dark hair hung in her face as she gazed at the screen in terror,' or something. But saying, "Her, long, raven, lustrous hair and expensive designer jeans which were complemented by an emerald-green top made of imported fabrics…' It's overkill. It flattens your prose and makes it sound young. It is a major peeve of every really good writer I know, myself aside (believe me, I don't fall into that group). Don't. Fight the urge. Introduce a character as a person, not a manikin.

Erm... wait, are you saying that chunky description is bad or that physical description in general is unnecessary? If the latter, stop right now and wash your mouth out with soap. Clothing and hair color are often major points in literature, actually, since both can symbolize something about the character. Characters with glasses, for example, tend to be nearsighted in their judgment. Characters with red hair are generally characterized as having dynamic personalities. In the case of this fanfic, the introduction of Team ACT (By the way, that name is PMD canon, not made up, so don't go poking fun) as big chunks of text doesn't annoy me all that much. Why? Part of it is the timing. They've only just appeared, and we have them introduced as basically three of the strongest Rescue Team members ever. Putting the 'chunk' description there helps emphasize the drama of their arrival, and allows you to size them up as an impartial observor. The intention should be to make them really impressive looking through word choice and use of description, since at this point a whole lot isn't going on. I mean, all they're doing is talking, so it isn't as if you stopped a train wreck to introduce them. When I read this, I get time to look at ACT and I'm impressed by their physical stature. I mean, I know this sounds silly to you, but when a giant dragon, a rocklike beast, and a freaky psychic foxlike creature come walking past me I tend to stop and take a good look, especially if they're famous and/or important to the plot. As for clothing, I'd like to point out that in this fanfic, all characters go nude. In others, however, it might be a good idea to drop mentions of what the character is wearing (for example, having them dig through their pockets while searching for keys to show that they're wearing blue jeans). Your character's choice of clothing really can say a lot about them personally. (For example, you see a dude wearing all black with a spiked choker and you're going to assume "He's a heavy metal fan".) Clothing also gives the reader a way to envision the character with ease. I'm not saying that we need to turn every paragraph after a character's introduction into nothing but description, but one way or another you should inform your reader of the basic appearance of your characters, no matter what. >.<

There.

Holy jeebus, you did it three times in a row. O___o.

Three characters. What, you'd rather they just blobs of nothingness with a name attached?

*snorfle* Good luck with that name.

As I already said, ACT is a canon name. Skunter didn't come up with it. You think it's silly, take it up with whoever wrote the story for the original PMD.




Wrong use of 'uttered.'

Tell me how it was wrongly used and I may believe you, since it's pretty much synonomous with "said" in every book I've every read.

'Reverberations,' don't so much 'go silent' as they do 'stop.'

Actually, "were silenced" might have work as well.

Put the thesaurus away. Now. It's making you look foolish.

That's funny, I was about to say the same about you. As for "concurrently"'s use, yes, avoid jargon. As for you, sir, please stick to reviewing in grammar and avoiding snarky jabs against others. Oh, something I forgot "The ruins of a facility" refers to the specific ruins of one facility AMONG MANY. It implies that there are more ruins of facilities out there. No subject disagreement there. 0.o

Why didn't he smell it before? He was breathing, right?

Because if he had, the dramatic tension would be ruined. Anyway, there is the possibility that the scent was so subtle before that the group didn't notice it.

So you *don't* know how to use a semicolon. Interesting. Well, get rid of it, it's used incorrectly. Also, these commas should probably be dashes/hyphens.

No, they shouldn't. Hyphens would indicate a dramatic break in an already crazy sentence. It should be revised to "The others pulled up along either side of him to see why he had stopped." Eliminates comma issue altogether.

Again, wrong. A semicolon must connect two complete clauses.

Just something else: semicolons can also replace commas in long lists if said commas are becoming overused. I don't think it applies to the sentences in question, though, so good call.

Typo, 'other.'

----

Alright. Well.

The story was actually not bad at all. Whether or not it was plausible is up in the air IMO, but the plot was good.

We're in a world in which children carry around monsters with destructive powers in their pockets. If Pokemon is plausible, then this story is easily believable. If it becomes unenjoyable or boring, it is unneeded, but according to canon it is never unbelievable.

The writing, though, was another story…

The mechanics weren't horrible, but there were consistent grammatical errors. Also, the diction really, really needed work. The prose was so obviously straight out of a thesaurus that it actually sounded *funny.* And not, 'strange,' but, 'Is he seriously saying that?' funny. It comes off like a trollish parody of how purple prose authors actually write. Please, put down the thesaurus. Your writing will be better for it.

Ever considered a particularly wordy narrator? I've poked fun at jargon more than a few times in my literary career, but wordy narrators have their purpose. Besides, most words were indeed used correctly, and the flow of the story wasn't hard to decipher at all. The vocabulary of the author had nothing to do with what was wrong with the story. As for consistent errors, well, I'll leave that to one better qualified than myself.

Another issue was the description… it was there… in all the wrong places.

Hm... I'd say that since ACT get offed by the end of the chapter, we don't have to worry about them needing to be human. Hence, no problem, particularly since it adds to the whole "Macho dude" attitude. Now, if it were a bunch of characters never described again beyond that first paragraph who appear consistently throughout the story, I might have agreed with you.

Also, you had a lot of weird syntax problems. I pointed most all of them out, but there were very few pristinely contrasted sentences.

Alright... brain fart. What's syntax, exactly?

My suggestion to you, besides studying up on grammar, is to read good literature. Study how other people use words and structure their sentences. You'll quickly see what works and what doesn't; how you've set up your prose… it doesn't work. It needs a lot of editing.

Suggested literature, please? You can't have Tolkien or a few other authors in mind, since they use crazy wording too.

Good luck, though. You have a good idea. You just need to work on presenting it. That takes time… remember: revision = love.

Hm... that sums up my counter-comments. Yeah... can't say much about the story, since this is naught but a prologue. Post the first chapter and I'll be able to analyze your main characters and whatnot.

 

[Incinermyn]

Guess I did get a little carried away with the prologue... Act's words are really starting to stick now. I'll try and finish up the first chapter over the weekend, ACC-M, but I'm not sure how it'll go over this time. You may find it a little weirder than most other PMD fics, just with how it starts and how it plays out. The last time I had this up it went over fine, but then I only had a small group commenting on it. I seriously have to cut that habit of overdoing stuff and just getting to the point though.

Sigh... I'm just starting it again and already having second thoughts... Bad sign...

 

[Act]

Don't quit, just revise. You had some pretty basic errors that a lot of writers in our fandom make, but the grammar in general was good and the idea was good, too. Just work on presentation.

This should be fun. Someone's made a fool of themselves, and I can't resist. Just can't.

Hm... I didn't see anything of the kind in those opening remarks. Thin-skinned, eh?

I'm thin skinned because... egotism bothers me? What? Hahaha... xDD Thin-skinned. Me.

Are you from Mars or something? On this forum, you are generally to assume that your audience doesn't know what the hell you're talking about when you state a Pokemon. Why? Because if you were writing a fantasy novel of your own creation and you said "A Purple Floomaflaxion" was standing beside you, nobody would know what the hell you were talking about. Description is necessary, not only because it trains you to write proper fiction, but also because if you don't describe what a creature looks like your audience will leave it completely up to their imaginations. I know it sounds a bit silly, but even on a Pokemon forum you are supposed to write as if your audience has no clue what a Pokemon is. (BTW, this also helps widen the audience, since anyone and not just a member of a set fandom can read your work without problem.)

Have you never taken a remedial writing class or something (EMG I'm so creative)???/slash This whole thing just reeks of ignorance, and is just blatantly wrong and a bad impression to give the author here. One of the basic rules of writing is to know your audience. In this case, your audience is pokemon fans. Who know pokemon. The end.

Edited to better reflect judgment.

I'm not sure what I did to you to provoke the smart-ass attitude, but you're wrong, love. You just are. You need to write with an audience in mind, and quality and quantity are mutually exclusive. Description is *not* the most important aspect of a piece. This SPPf mindset has to be changed.

Erm... wait, are you saying that chunky description is bad or that physical description in general is unnecessary? If the latter, stop right now and wash your mouth out with soap. Clothing and hair color are often major points in literature, actually, since both can symbolize something about the character. Characters with glasses, for example, tend to be nearsighted in their judgment. Characters with red hair are generally characterized as having dynamic personalities. In the case of this fanfic, the introduction of Team ACT (By the way, that name is PMD canon, not made up, so don't go poking fun) as big chunks of text doesn't annoy me all that much. Why? Part of it is the timing. They've only just appeared, and we have them introduced as basically three of the strongest Rescue Team members ever. Putting the 'chunk' description there helps emphasize the drama of their arrival, and allows you to size them up as an impartial observor. The intention should be to make them really impressive looking through word choice and use of description, since at this point a whole lot isn't going on. I mean, all they're doing is talking, so it isn't as if you stopped a train wreck to introduce them. When I read this, I get time to look at ACT and I'm impressed by their physical stature. I mean, I know this sounds silly to you, but when a giant dragon, a rocklike beast, and a freaky psychic foxlike creature come walking past me I tend to stop and take a good look, especially if they're famous and/or important to the plot. As for clothing, I'd like to point out that in this fanfic, all characters go nude. In others, however, it might be a good idea to drop mentions of what the character is wearing (for example, having them dig through their pockets while searching for keys to show that they're wearing blue jeans). Your character's choice of clothing really can say a lot about them personally. (For example, you see a dude wearing all black with a spiked choker and you're going to assume "He's a heavy metal fan".) Clothing also gives the reader a way to envision the character with ease. I'm not saying that we need to turn every paragraph after a character's introduction into nothing but description, but one way or another you should inform your reader of the basic appearance of your characters, no matter what. >.<

Are you a troll? How can you honestly say this and believe it has any truth to it? Physical description is unnecessary unless it serves a purpose. And furthermore, when you include copious and poorly planned amount of it, it cheapens the physical description that *is* necessary.

EDIT: Just as clarification, by 'necessary' I mean either it's a plot point or it generally adds to the story. Listing physical features never 'adds' to the story.

Characters with glasses, for example, tend to be nearsighted in their judgment. Characters with red hair are generally characterized as having dynamic personalities.

Uh, no, not really. That's so cliche it burns.

Why? Part of it is the timing. They've only just appeared, and we have them introduced as basically three of the strongest Rescue Team members ever. Putting the 'chunk' description there helps emphasize the drama of their arrival, and allows you to size them up as an impartial observor.

Did you not read anything I said? There is just about *never* a good time for chunck descrption. It's a basic sign of a new writer. It's what people dow hen they don't have enough experience to work information in any other way. You're a troll. Have to be.

And again: large copious amounts of description embedded with questionable word use are never the answer.

For example, you see a dude wearing all black with a spiked choker and you're going to assume "He's a heavy metal fan"

Or: Hey, there's another emo teenager who needs to get over themselves. *shrug* How about, 'Hey, a walking cliche!'

but one way or another you should inform your reader of the basic appearance of your characters, no matter what.

No, actually, would be my main point. Why? Because when it is not important, or the audience already knows what a character looks like, it becomes rudundant and poor craftmanship to do otherwise.

Three characters. What, you'd rather they just blobs of nothingness with a name attached?

Actually, I'd rather appropriate description flowingly worked in with some good characterization.

Tell me how it was wrongly used and I may believe you, since it's pretty much synonomous with "said" in every book I've every read.

Hahaha, this is a rookie mistake on your part as well. Just because words are synonyms does *not* make then interchangable. This is one of the awesome things about English: it has all these little nuances. It can, however, backfire, like it did there, where the word was in the wrong context for its meaning.

Actually, "were silenced" might have work as well.

Ehh, I don't know. By definitions, something that 'reverberates' can't really just abruptly stop... it sort of has to fade out.

That's funny, I was about to say the same about you.

That would be almost creative if I was using a thesaurus O___o.

As for you, sir, please stick to reviewing in grammar and avoiding snarky jabs against others.

I was going to answer that snarkily, then realized it wasn't directed at me, but some anonyous, 'Sir.'

Oh, something I forgot "The ruins of a facility" refers to the specific ruins of one facility AMONG MANY. It implies that there are more ruins of facilities out there. No subject disagreement there. 0.o

You're right: there isn't any subject disagreement. However, there is some article confusion. I stand by my point, in that the articles should be uniform. ...you know what I mean by that, right?

Because if he had, the dramatic tension would be ruined. Anyway, there is the possibility that the scent was so subtle before that the group didn't notice it.

Another amateur way of thinking. The work can't justify itself. It has to make sense in a larger context, too. I could write, "The sky was green," but you'd call me out for it if I didn't have a reason *in the text,* even if it added 'dramatic tension.'

No, they shouldn't. Hyphens would indicate a dramatic break in an already crazy sentence.

Ehh, not really. Hyphens are generally used when an appositive isn't appropriate to set off information, and this example fits perfectly. Hyphens (or your revision) would both have been appropriate.

We're in a world in which children carry around monsters with destructive powers in their pockets. If Pokemon is plausible, then this story is easily believable. If it becomes unenjoyable or boring, it is unneeded, but according to canon it is never unbelievable.

Again, you can't use a story to justify itself. Our canon is something extraorindary, sure. But there's no reason to believe that it's not possible, somewhere in the universe (or maybe in our future). That's why so many writers have fun with it: trying to figure out the logical explanations behind it, as canon doesn't even endeavor to provide any (a very good move by canon). When something isn't explained, it still could have a logical explanation. When something doesn't make sense, it doesn't make sense.

Ever considered a particularly wordy narrator? I've poked fun at jargon more than a few times in my literary career, but wordy narrators have their purpose. Besides, most words were indeed used correctly, and the flow of the story wasn't hard to decipher at all. The vocabulary of the author had nothing to do with what was wrong with the story. As for consistent errors, well, I'll leave that to one better qualified than myself.

I considered it briefly, and then laughed because purple prose is funny, especially in our fandom where it is so prevalent. I thought the flow was poor, for the reasons I listed. You thought it was fine, for no reason except you seem to have taken this very personally. Neither of us is any more wrong than the other, especially because your arguments consisted of rewording mine in a negative way, which, again: proves nothing on your part.

Hm... I'd say that since ACT get offed by the end of the chapter, we don't have to worry about them needing to be human.

What does this have to do with anything? I don't even think I used the word 'human' once in my entire concrit.

Alright... brain fart. What's syntax, exactly?

I think I rest my case.

Suggested literature, please? You can't have Tolkien or a few other authors in mind, since they use crazy wording too.

*shrug* Whatever suits you, except maybe HP or Eragon or children's stuff like that. As for the random Tolkein attack... that's not really true. Tolkein's prose is generally straightforward, even when the plot gets boring or a little confusing. Not comprehending the prose properly is different than the prose itself being convoluted. I read Tolkein first when I was 14, and understood it very clearly. I've read it again since, and it really only gets easier and better.


Overall... I'm not really sure why, to be frank, you seem to have a stick up your ass regarding this, but it was amusing because most of your 'advice' was beginners mistake's or just flat out wrong. Thanks for the laugh, I guess. I just hope Skunter doesn't take any of what you said too seriously, for his sake.

EDIT: Oh, and if you feel the need to incite a flamewar (I'm game, I really am), please do it via PM so we don't spam up Skunter's thread. Thanks.

 

[Incinermyn]

Mmm-kay... I'll just take your advice, Act, and just revise this... I was kind of having second thoughts on this project before, though, after I had the last version closed. As for this one... I think I'll just ask Hanako to delete it (if she can do that. I don't really know all the powers that mods have, so if she can't, I'll just ask her to close it.)

 

[Astinus]

I'm just going to close this upon request of the author. Skunter, good luck with the revision.