DA JOKE THREAD
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Chibi-chan
The Freshmaker!
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Jeez, none of you are 'inb4lockLOLZ'. You all really should just be warned for spamming like egotists. We've had a joke thread before and it's not your jurisdiction on if it should be locked or not. Now if you don't have a joke, shut up. You're not even amusing.
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ShadowLeader
because shadows follow...
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Here's a good one:
Do everything I say as I say it
Look up
Look down
Look left
Look right
Do you always do what others tell you?!:D
Most of my other jokes are kind of too racy for this site, but ill see if i can find some good clean ones!
Do everything I say as I say it
Look up
Look down
Look left
Look right
Do you always do what others tell you?!:D
Most of my other jokes are kind of too racy for this site, but ill see if i can find some good clean ones!
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Me!!!
...You don't get it?
...You don't get it?
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So... there's this drunk guy in a pub.
He suddenly orders a "Flying Tequila"... Well, he gets it, drinks it right away and calls for everyone's attention. So yeah, when everyone's looking at him... he starts waving his arms, gets to the second floor arms and runs directly at the window.
He smashes it, yet instead of falling, he starts literally flying in circles around the pub. After the roundabout, he just enters through the smashed window, and everyone's open-mouthed.
So some other silly guy goes "DUUUUUDE! How the heck did you do that?" the drunk guy looks at him laughing, and tells him "Oh well, just order a Flying Tequila". Well, the silly guy does so then. He drinks his Flying Tequila, and starts waving his arms just like the first guy, then climbs up to the second floor and starts running at the window. Everyone's looking at him.
...But the guy just falls, and hits the floor very, very cruelly. Then the barman looks at the drunk guy and goes,
He suddenly orders a "Flying Tequila"... Well, he gets it, drinks it right away and calls for everyone's attention. So yeah, when everyone's looking at him... he starts waving his arms, gets to the second floor arms and runs directly at the window.
He smashes it, yet instead of falling, he starts literally flying in circles around the pub. After the roundabout, he just enters through the smashed window, and everyone's open-mouthed.
So some other silly guy goes "DUUUUUDE! How the heck did you do that?" the drunk guy looks at him laughing, and tells him "Oh well, just order a Flying Tequila". Well, the silly guy does so then. He drinks his Flying Tequila, and starts waving his arms just like the first guy, then climbs up to the second floor and starts running at the window. Everyone's looking at him.
...But the guy just falls, and hits the floor very, very cruelly. Then the barman looks at the drunk guy and goes,
Spoiler:
레트로
Banned
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Did you miss the joke?
And I put maybe, it was supposed to contradict the aboves post. Honestly, your accusations are rude and cold-hearted.
On with the joke!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side! :D
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Yamikarasu
Wannabe Hasbeen
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So this guy walks into a bar, right?
His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
----
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.
His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
----
I have CDO. It's like OCD, but all the letters are in alphabetical order, like they should be.
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bit.trip void
Time cannot e r a s e
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Bwahahahahaha.
I dont have a joke, but I'd like to give Pichu a special commendation. :D
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Jesus was so drunk, he was hammered and had a hangover.
If I was in science class...
Funny.
If I was in science class...
Second Coming of Jebus
pies be with you
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Would the voodoo dildo joke be allowed on these forums?
>.>
<.<
>.>
<.<
Suki
I'm gonna make it.
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A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Tom is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
"You rotten *******, "says the angry man,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
______________________
lmao, I hope that... is allowed here? D: Funny joke though.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Tom is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.
"You rotten *******, "says the angry man,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!
______________________
lmao, I hope that... is allowed here? D: Funny joke though.
Patchy
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The anti-jokes are the best.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a horse?
A mule.
Two cows are eating grass in a field. Suddenly, a rabbit runs out from behind a bush!
However, neither cow takes interest, and they both go back to eating their grass.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
What's the difference between a bulldog and a poodle?
There are many. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
Doctor, I've broken my leg .
I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated areas such as rainforests.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is dead.
---
Well, I laughed anyway.
How many electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with a horse?
A mule.
Two cows are eating grass in a field. Suddenly, a rabbit runs out from behind a bush!
However, neither cow takes interest, and they both go back to eating their grass.
A man walks into a bar. He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
What's the difference between a bulldog and a poodle?
There are many. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
Doctor, I've broken my leg .
I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't.
Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated areas such as rainforests.
Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.
What do you call a cat with no tail?
A manx cat.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is dead.
---
Well, I laughed anyway.
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I remembered another one. XD
Well, some dead fellow is received by St. Peter at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter looks in his archives and goes "Well, son... I'm afraid I can't let you in. It's not that you've done anything bad in your life, it's just that you never did anything particularly good."
The guy starts freaking out. "You're joking? What about that time with the bikers?"
So St. Peter says "What do you mean?" The guy goes, "Well, you know, I'm driving, and suddenly I see some nasty bikers bullying this little fella. So I get out of the car, walk 'cross the street and get face-to-face with the biggest one, and I'm like, "hey dude, either you stop beating this little guy or I kick your ass""
St. Peter is amazed. "Woah! Is that for real? When did that happen?"
"About two minutes ago!"
Well, some dead fellow is received by St. Peter at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter looks in his archives and goes "Well, son... I'm afraid I can't let you in. It's not that you've done anything bad in your life, it's just that you never did anything particularly good."
The guy starts freaking out. "You're joking? What about that time with the bikers?"
So St. Peter says "What do you mean?" The guy goes, "Well, you know, I'm driving, and suddenly I see some nasty bikers bullying this little fella. So I get out of the car, walk 'cross the street and get face-to-face with the biggest one, and I'm like, "hey dude, either you stop beating this little guy or I kick your ass""
St. Peter is amazed. "Woah! Is that for real? When did that happen?"
"About two minutes ago!"
Tinhead Bruce
the Neighbour
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I have a ton. Unfortunately, none of them would be appropriate here.
ShadowLeader
because shadows follow...
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ok i think this one is good
So this teacher decides to have a special lesson for her 1st grade class for the holiday season. So she passes out little pieces of meat to see if her students can identify them. First, she passes out ham. Everyone munches on it for a minute, then one student raises her hand, the teacher calls on her.
"Thats ham!" She said. The teacher replied, "very good, you get an A for the day!" Then she passes out turkey. The students munch on it for a minute then another student raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.
"Thats turkey!" he said. The teacher also gave him an A for the day. Finally, she passes out deer. Everyone sits there for a long time and no one says anything. Smiling, the teacher says, "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mom calls your dad when he comes home from work everyday."
The students continued to sit there and stare, until finally one student in the back stands up and shouts "spit it out, spit it out, its an ***hole!"
i love that joke....reminds me of my childhood...:D
"
So this teacher decides to have a special lesson for her 1st grade class for the holiday season. So she passes out little pieces of meat to see if her students can identify them. First, she passes out ham. Everyone munches on it for a minute, then one student raises her hand, the teacher calls on her.
"Thats ham!" She said. The teacher replied, "very good, you get an A for the day!" Then she passes out turkey. The students munch on it for a minute then another student raises his hand. The teacher calls on him.
"Thats turkey!" he said. The teacher also gave him an A for the day. Finally, she passes out deer. Everyone sits there for a long time and no one says anything. Smiling, the teacher says, "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mom calls your dad when he comes home from work everyday."
The students continued to sit there and stare, until finally one student in the back stands up and shouts "spit it out, spit it out, its an ***hole!"
i love that joke....reminds me of my childhood...:D
"
LOL. Hilarious what you can learn about movies...
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of Dodger Stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or good-bye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
Blonde joke. Hope it doesn't offend anyone. But I'm a blonde, and I thought it was pretty funny, so...
---
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
---
Haha, okay. Kinda lame, oh well x3
---
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"
My stupid computer keeps saying, "You've got mail!"
---
Haha, okay. Kinda lame, oh well x3
Actually, that was pretty funny.
So many teachers teach kids that come up with ignorant answers....like so.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
So many teachers teach kids that come up with ignorant answers....like so.
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?
STUDENT: Seven.
TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?
STUDENT: Nine.
TEACHER: That's impossible.
STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.
TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!
Sweet Smoochum
Banned
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There are some cute jokes here so far. ^_^ George discovered America. lol
Some people said the day Obama became president, pigs will fly.
Well guess what? After 100 days of Obama in office...Swine Flu.
I know. Not funny. Not my joke. To those of you who have Swine Flu, have some oinkment. (Again not my joke either.) I wish I was funny. :(
Some people said the day Obama became president, pigs will fly.
Well guess what? After 100 days of Obama in office...Swine Flu.
I know. Not funny. Not my joke. To those of you who have Swine Flu, have some oinkment. (Again not my joke either.) I wish I was funny. :(
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