Darkened Heart

[Black Rose]

I'm kind of an amateur at poetry, so I don't really know what the rhyming/meter terms are >.< All I know is I write what I feel ^_^

My heart spins deeper into my soul,
Withering beneath the pain.
I feel my love growing so cold,
I rekindle it again and again.

So many times I have felt a spark
That I sought to give away.
I thought I'd found my light in the dark,
But the brightness faded to gray.

Even as the day looms near at hand,
I cannot bear to see the sun.
My life has not gone according to plan.
I think that I've lost the one...

Comments, criticism? ^_^

~BR

 

[Beginnings]

I like it, it's got the sad beauty of a falling star
I love the vocabulary you use.
Forgive me if I'm ignorant,
but what is the "day that looms ahead" in which the sun is not in sight?
are you speaking of the Armageddon, Ragnarok, rapture etc. etc.?

 

[Black Rose]

Thanks! ^_^

That line was probably the only literal one in there ^_^ I was really talking about daybreak, and the pain that each new day brings.

~BR

 

[Hiidoran]

Wow, are you sure you're an amateur? That was really nice.
I'm guessing that you don't live in the United States, right? If so, I really like the use of your slant rhyming in meter one.
(I say this because pain and again don't rhyme in US English. :))

 

[Black Rose]

=D Aww, thanks! =)

I actually am from the US, but I love using "High English" =P If I ever put any of my short stories up, I use alot of Old English language like thou/thy/thine, whilst, etc.

^_^

~BR

 

[Hiidoran]

I see, well it sounds just great!
Good luck with your future poetry, and I can't wait to read some of your short stories. ;)

 

[mcrc]

dude you do not sound like an ameuteur at all i can feel the emotions in this one you did a great job getting them out second stanza would by my favorite keep it up man

 

[Black Rose]

I see, well it sounds just great!
Good luck with your future poetry, and I can't wait to read some of your short stories. ;)

^_^ Thanks, and I'll try to post some soon =)

dude you do not sound like an ameuteur at all i can feel the emotions in this one you did a great job getting them out second stanza would by my favorite keep it up man

Heehee, thanks, but I'm a girl ;)

~BR

 

[Master Electrician]

All right, this was something of a mixed bag for me.

First off, congratulations. You actually wrote a "darker" themed poem that didn't make me want to vomit. Perhaps I have an unfair bias against that kind of poetry, but it's there all the same.

All right, let's go over what worked first: You kept the language simple, for the most part. Good stuff, complex language or archaic language has a tendency to disrupt the flow of a piece of work. You also kept to a consistent rhyme scheme that had a decent flow.

What didn't work, and what dragged it down for me is as follows: A couple of lines are a little awkward in their phrasing. A good rule of thumb is that it's better to sacrifice the perfect rhyme for a smooth line than the other way around. I feel that line five is the best example of putting rhyme before flow.

The other noticeable thing is that your meter occasionally varies. In my mind, it should be one way or the other, no meter or complete meter. It's a little jarring for the first three lines to have the same meter, then the fourth to have a different one.

My final piece of advice is the English teacher's maxim: Show me, don't tell me. Alluding to things is much stronger than stating them. The last two lines of the second stanza and the first two of the third stanza do a wonderful job of this.

Overall, this is a good piece. It just needs some editing for technique.

Score: 7/10