Ninja Caterpie
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
- 5,979
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Best City OCE
- Seen Oct 18, 2021
I...Uh..ok..
I just noticed something...xD
28 "said"s 2 "asked"s and 1 "ordered"
I just noticed something...xD
28 "said"s 2 "asked"s and 1 "ordered"
Emily's Pokemon Adventure Sinnoh
- Thread starter Saltare.
- Start date
- Status
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
- 2,430
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 28
- High in the sky
- Seen Jul 9, 2012
I don't understand what your saying
Ninja Caterpie
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
- 5,979
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Best City OCE
- Seen Oct 18, 2021
Well, you just used "said" a lot...
It's a little bit repetitive but...oh well...
Maybe...JUST maybe...you can use stuff like "shouted", "cried", "roared" stuff like that
It's a little bit repetitive but...oh well...
Maybe...JUST maybe...you can use stuff like "shouted", "cried", "roared" stuff like that
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
- 2,430
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 28
- High in the sky
- Seen Jul 9, 2012
kk thanks i'll watch for that
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
- 2,430
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 28
- High in the sky
- Seen Jul 9, 2012
Chapter 17
Sorry I haven't done this till now, lotta stuff going on, guy of my dreams could be in hospital cuz of my stupid friend(don't ask, he cracked his head open back-flipping into the pool) any way, here is chapter 17!
Jared still laughing tried to say, "Your kidding me, right?"
Brendan looked at Jared, "Lets see you try to pick up a girl" Brendan shot back.
Jared stopped. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever dude," Jared said leaning backwards. Jared fell over and smacked his head on the seat behind him. Brendan, Seth, and Macey started laughing. Emily ran over and helped Jared up.
"You should be carefull Jared!" Emily shouted. Brendan covered his mouth trying not to laugh. "What's so funny?" Emily said looking at Brendan. Brendan stopped.
"Sorry," he mumbled. Jared looked at Brendan.
"Who's the hot-shot now?" Brendan whispered. Emily walked back to finish her battle. Emily finished and approched everyone with the badge. The badge sparkled in the light. Macey rolled her eyes.
"What's your problem Macey?" Emily asked.
Macey shrugged, "It's easy to earn a gym badge, and I mean easy"
"Oh that's what you think?" Emily asked with her hands on he hips.
"Sounds like a battle to me," Seth said looking at the two girls.
"Alright, Double Battle. I choose the partners." Macey explained. "I choose Jared for me, and for you, Brendan" Macey said grinning. Emily's jaw droppped as she looked twoards Brendan. Brendan grinned.
They all walked outside. Macey and Jared took out their pokeballs.
"Umbreon, go!" Macey shouted as she threw the ball.
"Mawile, lets go!" Jared screamed trowing the pokeball.
Hmm, a Dark and a Steel type, maybe Swampert Brendan thought looking at the pokeball, yeah, Swampert
"Swampert, stand by!" Brendan roared throwing the pokeball as Sampert came out.
"Gardevoir, go!" Emily said throwing the pokeball. Brendan looked at Emily.
"What are you doing!" Brendan shouted. "Gardevoir is a Psychic! And Umbreon is a Dark! Gardevoir is sure to go down before two attacks!" Brendan screamed at Emily.
"I'll do what I want, just battle" Emily said looking twoards the pokemon. Brendan blinked and looked into blank space. "Um Brendan? Brendan!" Emily screamed. Brendan didn't respond.
Swampert turned around and hit Brendan with a Water Gun attack. Brendan got drenched. Brendan shook his head. "Alright" Brendan said wiping his face with his hand.
"Umbreon, Dark Pulse!" Macey ordered.
"I was afraid of that," Brendan said softly. Brendan panicked, "Swampert, Hydro Pump!" Brendan screamed at the top of his lungs. Swampert stopped Umbreon before the Dark Pulse hit. Emily looked over at Brendan and smiled.
"Alright, Gardevoir, Psychic!" Emily shouted. Gardevoir hit Mawile with Psychic attack.
"Mawile looks weak, lets finish it with Surf!" Brendan comanded. Swampert soaked both Umbreon and Mawile with Surf. Mawile was out Umbreon stood there. It took a lot of damage.
Emily looked at Umbreon and grinned, "Gardevoir, Hyper Beam!" Emily screamed. Gardevoir shot a hyper beam, but Umbreon jumped out of the way.
"Swampert, counter attack with Water Gun!" Brendan said looking up at Umbreon. Umbreon was sent flying. It hit the ground. Emily looked at Brendan and smiled. Brendan smiled back.
Seth rolled his eyes and walked up to Emily. "Great job," Seth said winking. Emily smiled, "Thanks" Brendan walked up to Swampert.
"You did good Swampert, but I have one more job for you" Brendan began to say. He whispered something to Swampert. Swampert turned to Seth and Emily. Brendan ran away from Swampert.
Swampert hit Emily with a water gun attack. Emily fell to the ground. Brendan ran over to Emily and got down on his knees. "I am so sorry. I didn't think Swampert would do anything like that. Come on, I know a place where you can dry your clothes." Brendan said helping Emily up.
Brendan wrapped his arm around Emily and walked into Eterna City with Jared, Macey and Seth following behind.
"Has Brendan always been like this?" Seth asked Macey.
"No, I don't remember him ever acting anything like that," Macey said looking twoards Brendan and Emily up ahead.
Well, he isn't getting in my way Seth thought narrowing his eyes twoards Brendan.
They walked into a house with a young man sitting at a table writing down stuff and looking at Emily's Combusken. "Hey guys, this is my grandpa, Pro.Birch" Brendan said sitting on the counter.
Pro.Birch coughed, "Hello, I hope my grandson has been respecting you all," Brendan rolled his eyes and smiled.
Emily walked in wearing a pair of shorts and a white T-Shirt.
"I'm guessing those are Brendan's clothes?" Seth mumbled to himself. Brendan looked at Seth.
"I am not going through this again," Brendan cried. Brendan jumped off the counter and ran into a room and slammed the door behind him.
"Should I go talk to him?" Macey said
"No, I'll go." Emily said walking down the hall. She knocked on the door. "Brendan, open up, it's me" Brendan opened the door and fell back onto his bed. Emily sat next to him.
Emily sighed, "What's wrong?"
Brendan had his face burried in a pillow. "Please answer me, I dont want to see you like this"Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan picked his head up.
"That's better, now will you tell me what's wrong?" Emily said calmly looking at Brendan.
"Alright, you really want to know?" Brendan said looking up at Emily with a depressed look on his face.
"Yes, will you just tell me already?" Emily asked.
Brendan took off his white hat and his headband and it revealed his black hair and a scar almost touching his eye. Emily looked shocked.
"W-W-What happened?" Emily asked.
"Well, I tried protecting a girl I liked, and got cut up by the other guy, and I don't want it to happen again." Brendan said with tears streaming down his face. Emily looked down at the floor. Emily found a picture on the floor and picked it up.
"What's this?" Emily asked showing the picture to Brendan.
"Oh, it's me,my mom, and my dad" Brendan sighed looking at the picture.
"Who's that guy right there?" Emily whispered pointing to the picture.
"I really don't feel like talking about it," Brendan whined. Emily looked at Brendan. Brendan smiled. "Alright." "His name is Drew. He thinks he's a 'ladies man'" Emily giggled. Brendan smiled.
"I like your laugh" Brendan said smiling. Emily looked up at Brendan and kissed him on the cheek. Brendan blushed. "I thought you were Seth?" Emily shrugged.
"It'll be our little secret" Emily whispered winking. She got up and walked back into the room. Pro.Birch stood up.
"Is he okay? Please tell me he is okay," Pro.Birch pleaded.
"He's fine," Emily replied. Brendan walked back in.
Everyone gasped.
"I'm not wearing my hat, am I?" Brendan murmered. Emily covered her mouth and laughed.
"Brendan! What happened!" Pro.Birch screamed looking at Brendan's scar.
"My parents never told you?" Brendan asked. Pro.Birch fingered near the scar.
"Hmm, looks like it has been opened before and has been there for a while" Pro.Birch explained. Brendan pushed away.
"It's no big deal" Brendan tried to comfort Pro.Birch.
"Oh it is a big deal!" Pro.Birch roared. Brendan covered his scar with his hand.
"Look! Can you stop messing around with it!" Brendan shouted. Pro.Birch looked at Brendan.
"You have never yelled at me like that before" Pro.Birch whined. "Go to the basement, now! Work on that project I've been telling you to finish for 12 years!" Pro.Birch yelled pointing to the basement door.
"But I don't want to be a stupid pokemon professional! I want to be a master! Can't you tell this isn't my life!" Brendan shouted.
"Go, NOW!"Pro.Birch roared. Brendan backed up to the door opened it and ran down the stairs. "I'm sorry kids, he just doesn't listen sometimes"
"Do you know what he has been going through?" Emily shot at Pro.Birch. "He has a harder life that anyone I know, do you ever listen to what he tries to tell you?" Emily ran over to the basement door and walked down the stairs.
Brendan was sitting at a desk with papers and books surrounding him and an Espeon sitting on the windowsill. "What is he making you do?" Emily asked.
"He's trying to make me find the mystery of the Sky Pillar or something" Brendan explained.
"Sky Pillar, I've heard of that before but where?" Emily mumbled.
"Look, it isn't your fault, I'm just gonna leave right now." Brendan said trying to open the window. Emily grabbed Brendan's shirt.
"Brendan, please don't" Emily said trying to make Brendan stop. "Please don't" Brendan looked out into the pouring rain. A bolt of lightning hit right in front of the window where Brendan was. Brendan flew backwards into Emily and they flew into a pile of boxes. Brendan pushed a box off his head.
"Are you okay?" Brendan asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Emily said. She looked up at Brendan.
"Okay, time for the cold hard truth." Brendan sighed.
"What truth?" Emily asked leaning against Brenan.
"I'm in love with you, Emily. But I don't want Seth to think I'm taking you away from him and there is no way we can be together. I mean unless you-" Brendan began to say, but Emily covered Brendan's mouth with her finger.
Emily kissed Brendan on the lips. The door opened Seth peered down and saw Emily and Brendan kissing.
Seth slammed the door behind him. They stopped. "Oh no, Seth!" Emily cried. She ran up the stairs and opened the door. She looked around the room.
"Where did Seth go?" Emily cried. Jared pointed to the door. Emily ran out into the rain.
"Seth! Seth!" Emily screamed. No sign of him. "Seth," Emily fell to her knees with tears streaming down her face. Brendan came running outside. He stood behind Emily looking out into the distance.
"I'm sorry, t's all my fault" Brendan said.
"No it isn't," Emily cried. Brendan got down next to Emily.
"Jared and I will go look for him in the morning, better get inside, it's getting pretty bad out here." Brendan explained.
"Can you carry me?" Emily asked. Brendan picked up Emily and carried her back inside and put her on the couch. Brendan handed her a blanket. Brendan jumped onto the counter.
Pro.Birch walked up from the basement with Espeon following behind. Espeon jumped onto the counter next to Seth. Pro.Birch was carrying a box filled with pictures. "Don't tell me those are the pictures?" Brendan whined.
"Yep your baby pictures," Por.Birch said smiling. Pro.Birch took out an old photo album and opened it. "Aw, these are the pictures from mine and your grandmother's wedding" Pro.Birch said as everyone gathered around.
"Aww, Brendan you look so cute in you little tuxedo" Emily said. Brendan blushed.
"And look, there are May and Ash" Pro.Birch said pointing to the pciture.
"Who?" Emily asked.
"They are Seth's parents, and Seth was there too, but he was very young" Pro.Birch explained.
"But why are they at your wedding?" Macey asked.
"Oh, I helped Seth's mother before she set on her journey but I wasn't married then." Pro.Birch said.
Emily spotted a picture. It was of Brendan and a girl. "Macey, isn't that you?" Emily asked.
"Yeah, Brendan and I were neighbors back then" Macey said shrugging.
They looked through all the pictures and it was almost midnight. "Alright all, time to get some shut-eye" Pro.Birch said getting up.
"You can sleep in my room, Emily" Brendan said. Emily nodded and walked in and shut the door and went to bed. Brendan slept on the couch in the living room while Macey and Jared slept in the guest room.
Espeon lied on Brendan. Brendan lied there looking up at the ceiling. "This is all my fault that Seth left, why isn't Emily furious at me?" Brendan said to himself. He heard a door open. Someone walked into the kitchen and turned on the light.
"Looks like someone is feeling guilty about what happened today." Emily said sipping a glass of water. Brendan just sat there. Emily smiled and walked back into the room. Brendan rolled over on the couch. Espeon jumped off onto the floor.
"Sorry Espeon," Brendan said. Brendan threw the banket off of him and walked into the basement. Brendan worked on that project Pro.Birch had him doing. But nothing worked. Brendan fell asleep at the desk. Morning came.
Everyone was sat down at the table still in their pajamas. Except Pro.Birch, he was still sleeping. Brendan walked up the stairs rubbing his eyes. "Goodmorning sleepyhead" Jared said.
"Shut up Jared" Brendan said. Brendan sat down and put his head on the table.
"Why don't you go back to sleep?" Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan mumbled something. Emily shrugged.
"Well, we better go look for Seth," Jared said getting up. Jared grabbed Brendan's hair and pulled his head up. They both walked into Brendan's room. Jared got dressed. Brendan pulled on a red and black shirt and yellow gloves, black pants with yellow at the bottom, and red and black trainers, and put on a black headband with a red pokeball on it and put on his white hat.
Jared and Brendan walked outside into the wet Eterna City. Brendan pulled out a pokeball, and threw it. "Skarmory, go!" Skarmory came out. "Skarmory, scope the area for Seth Ketchum. Skarmory flew off in a huff into the gray sky.
Brendan and Jared went seperate ways. Brendan scoped out uptown, Jared scoped downtown. They walked around for a few hours. Then Brendan heard a scream.
"What did he do now," Brendan wondered. He looked Jared's way and saw him running with a Mightyena biting at him. Brendan smacked his hand on his face. He took out a pokeball and threw it,"Absol go! Fight off that Mightyena!" Absol came out and ran twoards the Mightyena. Jared tripped and flipped foward.
Brendan helped Jared up and took Absol back and ran back to the house. Skarmory was sitting in the backyard. Brendan and Jared ran inside. "No sign of Seth" Brendan said. Emily began to cry. "Please, don't cry." Brendan walked over to Emily and wrapped his arms around her. "Please, don't" Brendan began to cry.
Pro.Birch walked in and saw Emily crying in Brendan's arms. Pro.Birch showed a little smile and walked back into his room. Jared looked at Brendan and Emily, then to Macey. Jared bit his lip.
"I think we should leave them alone," Macey said pushing Jared out of the room.
"Remember when Swampert hit you with Water Gun? It was my fault. I told Swampert to do that just to get closer to you. Like I said before I'm in love with you Emily." Brendan said.
Emily looked down at the floor. She looked back up at Brendan and smiled. She kissed Brendan on the lips. "Why must you tourture me?" Brendan said laughing. Emily laughed. "There it is again." Brendan said smiling and kissed Emily.
Emily got up and went to go get dressed, she wore a red shirt with a white shirt underneath, black shorts, a red bandana, and red and white trainers.
Everyone walked out and waved goodbye you Pro.Birch.
They entered Jubalife City. The city was filled with clowns and young children. They walked through and a man in a suit walked up to them. "Why hello, you look like a bunch of your children," the man said.
"Um yeah,that's Jared, Macey, Brendan, and I'm Emily" Emily introduced to the man.
"Well, I am from the poketch company, do any of you compete in contests?" the man asked.
"Um no,none of us do" Brendan said. "Well, our friend, Seth, does but he dissapeared last night"
"Wait, Seth, Seth Ketchum?" the man asked
"Yeah. You know him?" Jared asked.
"Know him, I almost arrested the boy!" the man shouted.
"Arrested him? Why would you arrest Seth?" Emily asked furiously.
"He tried to steal my pokemon and my poketches!" the man screamed.
"Why would he do that?" Emily cried.
"I think I know." Brendan said. "Um excuse me, where did you last see him?"
"In the Global rading System building!" The man shouted pointing to a blue building. They all ran twoards the building.
They saw Seth sitting in a chair balancing a pokeball on his finger.
"Seth!" Emily said running up to hug him. Seth stopped her.
"I saw you and Brendan, don't act like you don't know. I saw you two making out in the basement and in the living room" Seth whined.
"Look it wasn't what you thought it was," Brendan tried to explain.
"Fine, if you don't like Emily, kiss Macey" Seth shot and Brendan grinning. Brendan looked at Seth.
"You crazy?!" Brendan shouted. "I like Emily! So you kiss Macey!" Brendan shot back.
"No way,"Seth said.
"Then will you please come back with us?" Emily asked.
"Then kiss me the way you kissed Brendan." Seth said.
"You want a kiss? Fine" Emily said. She gave Seth a long kiss on the lips. She pulled away. "Happy?" Emily pushed Seth in the chest and walked back up next to Brendan and crossed her arms.
Seth smiled. "Okay, I'll come back" Emily ran up to Seth and hugged him.
"I'm so happy your comming back with us" Emily said smiling.
Macey looked at Jared. "So, Jared, who do you like?" Macey asked.
Jared shrugged. "Don't know" Macey sighed.
Brendan looked around the building. "Wow," "What is this building for?"
"Why trading around the world, of course" some girl said.
Brendan looked down and saw a little girl with pink pigtails.
"Hi! I'm Maria" the girl said. "Your cute. Do you have a girlfriend? Is any of these girls your girlfriend? Tell me Tell me Tell me!" Maria shouted.
"Don't you ask a lot of questions. Well I'm Brendan. And none of these girls are my girlfriend. Well I though one of them was but, guess not" Brendan said looking at Emily.
"Okay. So what is your name?" Maria asked Seth.
"I'm Seth and don't ask the girlfriend question I can answer that one. She is my girlfriend." Seth said with his arm around Emily. Emily smiled. Brendan looked at Emily and smiled.
Brendan shook his head. "I'm gonna miss that smile" Emily looked at Brendan. She walked over to Brendan.
"Aww, what's wrong?" Emily said.
"Nothing," Brendan said. Emily turned to Brendan and kissed him. Seth crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.
"It doesn't look like she's your girlfriend" Maria said.
"Well, now she's not" Seth said shaing his head. Brendan hugged Emily. "I'm sick of you two!" Seth shouted running outside.
Emily ran after Seth. "Seth, what is your problem?" Emily asked.
"It's you. Since you first looked at Brendan you fell in love with him." Seth cried.
"It's not just me, It's Brendan. I mean, he's a great guy but you don't know what he is going through. It was gonna be a secret until last night. I still like you Seth, and I like you more than Brendan, trust me. Brendan could never replace you." Emily said. Seth smiled.
Emily hugged Seth. She kissed Seth. Everyone else walked outside. Brendan looked at Emily and Seth and smiled and looked at the ground. Jared came running over. He leaned over the edge of the bridge next to Macey.
Macey looked at Jared. Jared kissed Macey. Macey blushed and smiled. Jared fell over the edge into the rushing river below. "Oh no! Jared!" Macey screamed. Emily and Macey ran along the edge of the river. The boys followed behind.
"Swampert go!" Brendan said. "You too, Absol!" Seth shouted. Absol and Swampert came out. "Both of you, run and try to find Jared!" Brendan shouted. Swampert and Absol ran off. They kept running. They stopped and saw Jared's backpack hooked onto a branch.
"Oh no," Macey said with tears in her eyes. "Don't worry we'll find him" Emily said. Brendan and Seth stopped. Brendan looked up the river. He ran foward. "Brendan!" Seth screamed. Seth ran after Brendan. He saw Jared holding onto a rock. Brendan jumped onto a rock and reached out to grab Jared.
"Come on Jared!" Brendan shouted. Jared wasn't able to reach. Brendan stepped foot in the water and grabbed Jared's hand and pulled him up. Seth helped him onto land. Brendan almost got sucked into the river. But jumped to land just in time.
The girls ran over. Macey wrapped her arms around Jared. "I'm so glad your okay!" Macey shouted. Jared was soaked.
"Hey look, I think it's a lake or a pond" Emily said pointing into the distance.
"It is!" Seth shouted. They all ran up to the pond and got in.
Brendan sank in the water. "I need to unwind for a while" Brendan said softly. Emily sat next to Seth. Emily looked up at Seth. Seth was looking into the water.
"What's wrong?" Emily asked.
"Nothing, I think something is in here." Seth said.
"What do you mean?" Jared asked.
"What I mean is-" Seth began to say when a Mudkip popped its head out of the water.
"Aww how cute! A Mudkip" Emily said.
"Yeah I had one, that's how I got my Swampert" Brendan said looking at the Mudkip.
"Well I never had one" Emily said picking up the Mudkip. Mudkip cried happily. Emily smiled. She took out a pokeball and held it up to Mudkip and caught it.
Someone walked up behind Brendan. Brendan looked up and saw a boy with green hair and a Roselia standing by him.
"So, looks like your with a new group of people" the boy said.
"Oh, everyone, this is Drew" Brendan said annoyed.
"Hi Drew, I like your Roselia" Emily said looking at Drew.
"Thanks, but Roselia doesn't like to be judged" Drew said. Emily rolled her eyes.
"Why are you here Drew?" Brendan asked.
"I came to talk to you Brendan" Drew said. Brendan got up and got out and grabbed a towel.
"What is it?" Brendan asked in a hushed tone.
"Who is that girl" Drew asked looking twoards Emily.
"Her? Oh that's Emily." Brendan answered. "Wait, why?"
"Just curious." Drew said.
"Well something you don't know about her is that she is a good kisser" Brendan said. Drew looked at Emily and looked away.
Brendan went and got back in the water. Drew sat down by Emily on the grass.
"So, do you like flowers?" Drew asked.
"Um I guess, why?" Emily answered.
Drew took out a rose and handed it to Emily. Emily took the rose
"Well, um, thank you Drew" Emily said smelling the rose.
"How about me and you have a little battle? Loser has to kiss winner" Drew said grinning.
"No way! I'm not going through the whole kissing thing again." Emily said. She took another look at the rose. "Fine" Emily got up and got dressed.
"One pokemon, each" Drew said.
"Fine by me" Emily said taking out a pokeball.
"Roselia go!" Drew said.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken shot at Roselia with flamethrower.
"Roselia, Petal Dance" Drew said. Roselia attacked.
"Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Roselia was down.
"Alright you won, now where's that kiss you promised me?" Drew asked.
"You seriously thought you were gonna get that kiss? Your crazy" Emily replied. Drew flipped his hair.
"No idea what your missing," Drew said walking way.
"I'm serious if that boy comes on me again I'll back slap him." Emily said leaning into Seth. Seth watched Drew walk away.
"There's something about that guy that I hate" Seth said.
"Dude! You have a problem with everyone!" Brendan said laughing.
They all changed and walked back into Jubalife City to see if there was a pokemon contest for Seth to enter.
Sorry I haven't done this till now, lotta stuff going on, guy of my dreams could be in hospital cuz of my stupid friend(don't ask, he cracked his head open back-flipping into the pool) any way, here is chapter 17!
Jared still laughing tried to say, "Your kidding me, right?"
Brendan looked at Jared, "Lets see you try to pick up a girl" Brendan shot back.
Jared stopped. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever dude," Jared said leaning backwards. Jared fell over and smacked his head on the seat behind him. Brendan, Seth, and Macey started laughing. Emily ran over and helped Jared up.
"You should be carefull Jared!" Emily shouted. Brendan covered his mouth trying not to laugh. "What's so funny?" Emily said looking at Brendan. Brendan stopped.
"Sorry," he mumbled. Jared looked at Brendan.
"Who's the hot-shot now?" Brendan whispered. Emily walked back to finish her battle. Emily finished and approched everyone with the badge. The badge sparkled in the light. Macey rolled her eyes.
"What's your problem Macey?" Emily asked.
Macey shrugged, "It's easy to earn a gym badge, and I mean easy"
"Oh that's what you think?" Emily asked with her hands on he hips.
"Sounds like a battle to me," Seth said looking at the two girls.
"Alright, Double Battle. I choose the partners." Macey explained. "I choose Jared for me, and for you, Brendan" Macey said grinning. Emily's jaw droppped as she looked twoards Brendan. Brendan grinned.
They all walked outside. Macey and Jared took out their pokeballs.
"Umbreon, go!" Macey shouted as she threw the ball.
"Mawile, lets go!" Jared screamed trowing the pokeball.
Hmm, a Dark and a Steel type, maybe Swampert Brendan thought looking at the pokeball, yeah, Swampert
"Swampert, stand by!" Brendan roared throwing the pokeball as Sampert came out.
"Gardevoir, go!" Emily said throwing the pokeball. Brendan looked at Emily.
"What are you doing!" Brendan shouted. "Gardevoir is a Psychic! And Umbreon is a Dark! Gardevoir is sure to go down before two attacks!" Brendan screamed at Emily.
"I'll do what I want, just battle" Emily said looking twoards the pokemon. Brendan blinked and looked into blank space. "Um Brendan? Brendan!" Emily screamed. Brendan didn't respond.
Swampert turned around and hit Brendan with a Water Gun attack. Brendan got drenched. Brendan shook his head. "Alright" Brendan said wiping his face with his hand.
"Umbreon, Dark Pulse!" Macey ordered.
"I was afraid of that," Brendan said softly. Brendan panicked, "Swampert, Hydro Pump!" Brendan screamed at the top of his lungs. Swampert stopped Umbreon before the Dark Pulse hit. Emily looked over at Brendan and smiled.
"Alright, Gardevoir, Psychic!" Emily shouted. Gardevoir hit Mawile with Psychic attack.
"Mawile looks weak, lets finish it with Surf!" Brendan comanded. Swampert soaked both Umbreon and Mawile with Surf. Mawile was out Umbreon stood there. It took a lot of damage.
Emily looked at Umbreon and grinned, "Gardevoir, Hyper Beam!" Emily screamed. Gardevoir shot a hyper beam, but Umbreon jumped out of the way.
"Swampert, counter attack with Water Gun!" Brendan said looking up at Umbreon. Umbreon was sent flying. It hit the ground. Emily looked at Brendan and smiled. Brendan smiled back.
Seth rolled his eyes and walked up to Emily. "Great job," Seth said winking. Emily smiled, "Thanks" Brendan walked up to Swampert.
"You did good Swampert, but I have one more job for you" Brendan began to say. He whispered something to Swampert. Swampert turned to Seth and Emily. Brendan ran away from Swampert.
Swampert hit Emily with a water gun attack. Emily fell to the ground. Brendan ran over to Emily and got down on his knees. "I am so sorry. I didn't think Swampert would do anything like that. Come on, I know a place where you can dry your clothes." Brendan said helping Emily up.
Brendan wrapped his arm around Emily and walked into Eterna City with Jared, Macey and Seth following behind.
"Has Brendan always been like this?" Seth asked Macey.
"No, I don't remember him ever acting anything like that," Macey said looking twoards Brendan and Emily up ahead.
Well, he isn't getting in my way Seth thought narrowing his eyes twoards Brendan.
They walked into a house with a young man sitting at a table writing down stuff and looking at Emily's Combusken. "Hey guys, this is my grandpa, Pro.Birch" Brendan said sitting on the counter.
Pro.Birch coughed, "Hello, I hope my grandson has been respecting you all," Brendan rolled his eyes and smiled.
Emily walked in wearing a pair of shorts and a white T-Shirt.
"I'm guessing those are Brendan's clothes?" Seth mumbled to himself. Brendan looked at Seth.
"I am not going through this again," Brendan cried. Brendan jumped off the counter and ran into a room and slammed the door behind him.
"Should I go talk to him?" Macey said
"No, I'll go." Emily said walking down the hall. She knocked on the door. "Brendan, open up, it's me" Brendan opened the door and fell back onto his bed. Emily sat next to him.
Emily sighed, "What's wrong?"
Brendan had his face burried in a pillow. "Please answer me, I dont want to see you like this"Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan picked his head up.
"That's better, now will you tell me what's wrong?" Emily said calmly looking at Brendan.
"Alright, you really want to know?" Brendan said looking up at Emily with a depressed look on his face.
"Yes, will you just tell me already?" Emily asked.
Brendan took off his white hat and his headband and it revealed his black hair and a scar almost touching his eye. Emily looked shocked.
"W-W-What happened?" Emily asked.
"Well, I tried protecting a girl I liked, and got cut up by the other guy, and I don't want it to happen again." Brendan said with tears streaming down his face. Emily looked down at the floor. Emily found a picture on the floor and picked it up.
"What's this?" Emily asked showing the picture to Brendan.
"Oh, it's me,my mom, and my dad" Brendan sighed looking at the picture.
"Who's that guy right there?" Emily whispered pointing to the picture.
"I really don't feel like talking about it," Brendan whined. Emily looked at Brendan. Brendan smiled. "Alright." "His name is Drew. He thinks he's a 'ladies man'" Emily giggled. Brendan smiled.
"I like your laugh" Brendan said smiling. Emily looked up at Brendan and kissed him on the cheek. Brendan blushed. "I thought you were Seth?" Emily shrugged.
"It'll be our little secret" Emily whispered winking. She got up and walked back into the room. Pro.Birch stood up.
"Is he okay? Please tell me he is okay," Pro.Birch pleaded.
"He's fine," Emily replied. Brendan walked back in.
Everyone gasped.
"I'm not wearing my hat, am I?" Brendan murmered. Emily covered her mouth and laughed.
"Brendan! What happened!" Pro.Birch screamed looking at Brendan's scar.
"My parents never told you?" Brendan asked. Pro.Birch fingered near the scar.
"Hmm, looks like it has been opened before and has been there for a while" Pro.Birch explained. Brendan pushed away.
"It's no big deal" Brendan tried to comfort Pro.Birch.
"Oh it is a big deal!" Pro.Birch roared. Brendan covered his scar with his hand.
"Look! Can you stop messing around with it!" Brendan shouted. Pro.Birch looked at Brendan.
"You have never yelled at me like that before" Pro.Birch whined. "Go to the basement, now! Work on that project I've been telling you to finish for 12 years!" Pro.Birch yelled pointing to the basement door.
"But I don't want to be a stupid pokemon professional! I want to be a master! Can't you tell this isn't my life!" Brendan shouted.
"Go, NOW!"Pro.Birch roared. Brendan backed up to the door opened it and ran down the stairs. "I'm sorry kids, he just doesn't listen sometimes"
"Do you know what he has been going through?" Emily shot at Pro.Birch. "He has a harder life that anyone I know, do you ever listen to what he tries to tell you?" Emily ran over to the basement door and walked down the stairs.
Brendan was sitting at a desk with papers and books surrounding him and an Espeon sitting on the windowsill. "What is he making you do?" Emily asked.
"He's trying to make me find the mystery of the Sky Pillar or something" Brendan explained.
"Sky Pillar, I've heard of that before but where?" Emily mumbled.
"Look, it isn't your fault, I'm just gonna leave right now." Brendan said trying to open the window. Emily grabbed Brendan's shirt.
"Brendan, please don't" Emily said trying to make Brendan stop. "Please don't" Brendan looked out into the pouring rain. A bolt of lightning hit right in front of the window where Brendan was. Brendan flew backwards into Emily and they flew into a pile of boxes. Brendan pushed a box off his head.
"Are you okay?" Brendan asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Emily said. She looked up at Brendan.
"Okay, time for the cold hard truth." Brendan sighed.
"What truth?" Emily asked leaning against Brenan.
"I'm in love with you, Emily. But I don't want Seth to think I'm taking you away from him and there is no way we can be together. I mean unless you-" Brendan began to say, but Emily covered Brendan's mouth with her finger.
Emily kissed Brendan on the lips. The door opened Seth peered down and saw Emily and Brendan kissing.
Seth slammed the door behind him. They stopped. "Oh no, Seth!" Emily cried. She ran up the stairs and opened the door. She looked around the room.
"Where did Seth go?" Emily cried. Jared pointed to the door. Emily ran out into the rain.
"Seth! Seth!" Emily screamed. No sign of him. "Seth," Emily fell to her knees with tears streaming down her face. Brendan came running outside. He stood behind Emily looking out into the distance.
"I'm sorry, t's all my fault" Brendan said.
"No it isn't," Emily cried. Brendan got down next to Emily.
"Jared and I will go look for him in the morning, better get inside, it's getting pretty bad out here." Brendan explained.
"Can you carry me?" Emily asked. Brendan picked up Emily and carried her back inside and put her on the couch. Brendan handed her a blanket. Brendan jumped onto the counter.
Pro.Birch walked up from the basement with Espeon following behind. Espeon jumped onto the counter next to Seth. Pro.Birch was carrying a box filled with pictures. "Don't tell me those are the pictures?" Brendan whined.
"Yep your baby pictures," Por.Birch said smiling. Pro.Birch took out an old photo album and opened it. "Aw, these are the pictures from mine and your grandmother's wedding" Pro.Birch said as everyone gathered around.
"Aww, Brendan you look so cute in you little tuxedo" Emily said. Brendan blushed.
"And look, there are May and Ash" Pro.Birch said pointing to the pciture.
"Who?" Emily asked.
"They are Seth's parents, and Seth was there too, but he was very young" Pro.Birch explained.
"But why are they at your wedding?" Macey asked.
"Oh, I helped Seth's mother before she set on her journey but I wasn't married then." Pro.Birch said.
Emily spotted a picture. It was of Brendan and a girl. "Macey, isn't that you?" Emily asked.
"Yeah, Brendan and I were neighbors back then" Macey said shrugging.
They looked through all the pictures and it was almost midnight. "Alright all, time to get some shut-eye" Pro.Birch said getting up.
"You can sleep in my room, Emily" Brendan said. Emily nodded and walked in and shut the door and went to bed. Brendan slept on the couch in the living room while Macey and Jared slept in the guest room.
Espeon lied on Brendan. Brendan lied there looking up at the ceiling. "This is all my fault that Seth left, why isn't Emily furious at me?" Brendan said to himself. He heard a door open. Someone walked into the kitchen and turned on the light.
"Looks like someone is feeling guilty about what happened today." Emily said sipping a glass of water. Brendan just sat there. Emily smiled and walked back into the room. Brendan rolled over on the couch. Espeon jumped off onto the floor.
"Sorry Espeon," Brendan said. Brendan threw the banket off of him and walked into the basement. Brendan worked on that project Pro.Birch had him doing. But nothing worked. Brendan fell asleep at the desk. Morning came.
Everyone was sat down at the table still in their pajamas. Except Pro.Birch, he was still sleeping. Brendan walked up the stairs rubbing his eyes. "Goodmorning sleepyhead" Jared said.
"Shut up Jared" Brendan said. Brendan sat down and put his head on the table.
"Why don't you go back to sleep?" Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan mumbled something. Emily shrugged.
"Well, we better go look for Seth," Jared said getting up. Jared grabbed Brendan's hair and pulled his head up. They both walked into Brendan's room. Jared got dressed. Brendan pulled on a red and black shirt and yellow gloves, black pants with yellow at the bottom, and red and black trainers, and put on a black headband with a red pokeball on it and put on his white hat.
Jared and Brendan walked outside into the wet Eterna City. Brendan pulled out a pokeball, and threw it. "Skarmory, go!" Skarmory came out. "Skarmory, scope the area for Seth Ketchum. Skarmory flew off in a huff into the gray sky.
Brendan and Jared went seperate ways. Brendan scoped out uptown, Jared scoped downtown. They walked around for a few hours. Then Brendan heard a scream.
"What did he do now," Brendan wondered. He looked Jared's way and saw him running with a Mightyena biting at him. Brendan smacked his hand on his face. He took out a pokeball and threw it,"Absol go! Fight off that Mightyena!" Absol came out and ran twoards the Mightyena. Jared tripped and flipped foward.
Brendan helped Jared up and took Absol back and ran back to the house. Skarmory was sitting in the backyard. Brendan and Jared ran inside. "No sign of Seth" Brendan said. Emily began to cry. "Please, don't cry." Brendan walked over to Emily and wrapped his arms around her. "Please, don't" Brendan began to cry.
Pro.Birch walked in and saw Emily crying in Brendan's arms. Pro.Birch showed a little smile and walked back into his room. Jared looked at Brendan and Emily, then to Macey. Jared bit his lip.
"I think we should leave them alone," Macey said pushing Jared out of the room.
"Remember when Swampert hit you with Water Gun? It was my fault. I told Swampert to do that just to get closer to you. Like I said before I'm in love with you Emily." Brendan said.
Emily looked down at the floor. She looked back up at Brendan and smiled. She kissed Brendan on the lips. "Why must you tourture me?" Brendan said laughing. Emily laughed. "There it is again." Brendan said smiling and kissed Emily.
Emily got up and went to go get dressed, she wore a red shirt with a white shirt underneath, black shorts, a red bandana, and red and white trainers.
Everyone walked out and waved goodbye you Pro.Birch.
They entered Jubalife City. The city was filled with clowns and young children. They walked through and a man in a suit walked up to them. "Why hello, you look like a bunch of your children," the man said.
"Um yeah,that's Jared, Macey, Brendan, and I'm Emily" Emily introduced to the man.
"Well, I am from the poketch company, do any of you compete in contests?" the man asked.
"Um no,none of us do" Brendan said. "Well, our friend, Seth, does but he dissapeared last night"
"Wait, Seth, Seth Ketchum?" the man asked
"Yeah. You know him?" Jared asked.
"Know him, I almost arrested the boy!" the man shouted.
"Arrested him? Why would you arrest Seth?" Emily asked furiously.
"He tried to steal my pokemon and my poketches!" the man screamed.
"Why would he do that?" Emily cried.
"I think I know." Brendan said. "Um excuse me, where did you last see him?"
"In the Global rading System building!" The man shouted pointing to a blue building. They all ran twoards the building.
They saw Seth sitting in a chair balancing a pokeball on his finger.
"Seth!" Emily said running up to hug him. Seth stopped her.
"I saw you and Brendan, don't act like you don't know. I saw you two making out in the basement and in the living room" Seth whined.
"Look it wasn't what you thought it was," Brendan tried to explain.
"Fine, if you don't like Emily, kiss Macey" Seth shot and Brendan grinning. Brendan looked at Seth.
"You crazy?!" Brendan shouted. "I like Emily! So you kiss Macey!" Brendan shot back.
"No way,"Seth said.
"Then will you please come back with us?" Emily asked.
"Then kiss me the way you kissed Brendan." Seth said.
"You want a kiss? Fine" Emily said. She gave Seth a long kiss on the lips. She pulled away. "Happy?" Emily pushed Seth in the chest and walked back up next to Brendan and crossed her arms.
Seth smiled. "Okay, I'll come back" Emily ran up to Seth and hugged him.
"I'm so happy your comming back with us" Emily said smiling.
Macey looked at Jared. "So, Jared, who do you like?" Macey asked.
Jared shrugged. "Don't know" Macey sighed.
Brendan looked around the building. "Wow," "What is this building for?"
"Why trading around the world, of course" some girl said.
Brendan looked down and saw a little girl with pink pigtails.
"Hi! I'm Maria" the girl said. "Your cute. Do you have a girlfriend? Is any of these girls your girlfriend? Tell me Tell me Tell me!" Maria shouted.
"Don't you ask a lot of questions. Well I'm Brendan. And none of these girls are my girlfriend. Well I though one of them was but, guess not" Brendan said looking at Emily.
"Okay. So what is your name?" Maria asked Seth.
"I'm Seth and don't ask the girlfriend question I can answer that one. She is my girlfriend." Seth said with his arm around Emily. Emily smiled. Brendan looked at Emily and smiled.
Brendan shook his head. "I'm gonna miss that smile" Emily looked at Brendan. She walked over to Brendan.
"Aww, what's wrong?" Emily said.
"Nothing," Brendan said. Emily turned to Brendan and kissed him. Seth crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.
"It doesn't look like she's your girlfriend" Maria said.
"Well, now she's not" Seth said shaing his head. Brendan hugged Emily. "I'm sick of you two!" Seth shouted running outside.
Emily ran after Seth. "Seth, what is your problem?" Emily asked.
"It's you. Since you first looked at Brendan you fell in love with him." Seth cried.
"It's not just me, It's Brendan. I mean, he's a great guy but you don't know what he is going through. It was gonna be a secret until last night. I still like you Seth, and I like you more than Brendan, trust me. Brendan could never replace you." Emily said. Seth smiled.
Emily hugged Seth. She kissed Seth. Everyone else walked outside. Brendan looked at Emily and Seth and smiled and looked at the ground. Jared came running over. He leaned over the edge of the bridge next to Macey.
Macey looked at Jared. Jared kissed Macey. Macey blushed and smiled. Jared fell over the edge into the rushing river below. "Oh no! Jared!" Macey screamed. Emily and Macey ran along the edge of the river. The boys followed behind.
"Swampert go!" Brendan said. "You too, Absol!" Seth shouted. Absol and Swampert came out. "Both of you, run and try to find Jared!" Brendan shouted. Swampert and Absol ran off. They kept running. They stopped and saw Jared's backpack hooked onto a branch.
"Oh no," Macey said with tears in her eyes. "Don't worry we'll find him" Emily said. Brendan and Seth stopped. Brendan looked up the river. He ran foward. "Brendan!" Seth screamed. Seth ran after Brendan. He saw Jared holding onto a rock. Brendan jumped onto a rock and reached out to grab Jared.
"Come on Jared!" Brendan shouted. Jared wasn't able to reach. Brendan stepped foot in the water and grabbed Jared's hand and pulled him up. Seth helped him onto land. Brendan almost got sucked into the river. But jumped to land just in time.
The girls ran over. Macey wrapped her arms around Jared. "I'm so glad your okay!" Macey shouted. Jared was soaked.
"Hey look, I think it's a lake or a pond" Emily said pointing into the distance.
"It is!" Seth shouted. They all ran up to the pond and got in.
Brendan sank in the water. "I need to unwind for a while" Brendan said softly. Emily sat next to Seth. Emily looked up at Seth. Seth was looking into the water.
"What's wrong?" Emily asked.
"Nothing, I think something is in here." Seth said.
"What do you mean?" Jared asked.
"What I mean is-" Seth began to say when a Mudkip popped its head out of the water.
"Aww how cute! A Mudkip" Emily said.
"Yeah I had one, that's how I got my Swampert" Brendan said looking at the Mudkip.
"Well I never had one" Emily said picking up the Mudkip. Mudkip cried happily. Emily smiled. She took out a pokeball and held it up to Mudkip and caught it.
Someone walked up behind Brendan. Brendan looked up and saw a boy with green hair and a Roselia standing by him.
"So, looks like your with a new group of people" the boy said.
"Oh, everyone, this is Drew" Brendan said annoyed.
"Hi Drew, I like your Roselia" Emily said looking at Drew.
"Thanks, but Roselia doesn't like to be judged" Drew said. Emily rolled her eyes.
"Why are you here Drew?" Brendan asked.
"I came to talk to you Brendan" Drew said. Brendan got up and got out and grabbed a towel.
"What is it?" Brendan asked in a hushed tone.
"Who is that girl" Drew asked looking twoards Emily.
"Her? Oh that's Emily." Brendan answered. "Wait, why?"
"Just curious." Drew said.
"Well something you don't know about her is that she is a good kisser" Brendan said. Drew looked at Emily and looked away.
Brendan went and got back in the water. Drew sat down by Emily on the grass.
"So, do you like flowers?" Drew asked.
"Um I guess, why?" Emily answered.
Drew took out a rose and handed it to Emily. Emily took the rose
"Well, um, thank you Drew" Emily said smelling the rose.
"How about me and you have a little battle? Loser has to kiss winner" Drew said grinning.
"No way! I'm not going through the whole kissing thing again." Emily said. She took another look at the rose. "Fine" Emily got up and got dressed.
"One pokemon, each" Drew said.
"Fine by me" Emily said taking out a pokeball.
"Roselia go!" Drew said.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken shot at Roselia with flamethrower.
"Roselia, Petal Dance" Drew said. Roselia attacked.
"Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Roselia was down.
"Alright you won, now where's that kiss you promised me?" Drew asked.
"You seriously thought you were gonna get that kiss? Your crazy" Emily replied. Drew flipped his hair.
"No idea what your missing," Drew said walking way.
"I'm serious if that boy comes on me again I'll back slap him." Emily said leaning into Seth. Seth watched Drew walk away.
"There's something about that guy that I hate" Seth said.
"Dude! You have a problem with everyone!" Brendan said laughing.
They all changed and walked back into Jubalife City to see if there was a pokemon contest for Seth to enter.
Last edited:
Ninja Caterpie
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
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- Seen Oct 18, 2021
That's....one...looooooong chapter...
Well... Tell your friend that one of your friends on Pokecommunity thinks that he's an idiot but I wish him well :D
Well... I found a few spelling mistakes an' all...
Some...un-realistic things...
But the worst one of all...
Well... Tell your friend that one of your friends on Pokecommunity thinks that he's an idiot but I wish him well :D
Well... I found a few spelling mistakes an' all...
Some...un-realistic things...
But the worst one of all...
There...isn't a gym in Jubilife...xD
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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yeah it is long, well, i had some time well a lot of time cuz it was 1:09 in the morning where i lived so i made the chapter and I'll fix the Jubalife thing, i'll check my game thnx and also thanks for caring bout my friend, i haven't seen him around since that happened, anyway, thanks
Ninja Caterpie
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
- 5,979
- Posts
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- Best City OCE
- Seen Oct 18, 2021
Lol...moronic friend...xD
Well, I can't write much....got a blister in DT (owww)
How are you goin with the next chapter?
Got any plans for more morons to hit on Emily?
BTW, it's Jubilife.
Also, just check it in Serebii or something...
Well, I can't write much....got a blister in DT (owww)
How are you goin with the next chapter?
Got any plans for more morons to hit on Emily?
BTW, it's Jubilife.
Also, just check it in Serebii or something...
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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- High in the sky
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Alright I'll change Jubalife to Jubilife today. And I'll probably finish the next chapter today and just you wait, I have a few more tricks up my sleve ;)
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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Chapter 18
They all walked into Jubilife to look for a contest hall among the many huge buildings.
"Seth, we ae never gonna find a contest hall here!" Brendan shouted.
"Shut up Brendan, we'll find one!" Seth screamed. Seth stopped and looked into the distance and ran ahead.
"Seth!" Emily yelled. Emily and Brendan ran behind. Seth stopped infront of two glass doors.
"What do ya know, a contest hall" Brendan said under his breath.
"Yeah, there it is" Seth ,mumbled. Seth pulled on the door, but it didn't open. Macey and Jared walked up next to them. "It isn't opening,"
"Well duh! It's locked!" Brendan shouted.
"Guess we'll have to check back later" Seth said.
"Yes! Now can we go to the next town?" Brendan asked.
"Fine" Seth replied. They all walked into a forest leading to Canalave City. They pushed through trees and bushes. They stopped under a tree.
Emily looked up and saw a Treecko sitting on the branch. "Cool a Treecko," Emily said. Emly took out a pokeball and threw it. Combusken came out. "Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Combusken hit the wild Treecko. The wild Treecko used Razor Leaf. Combusken dodged it.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit the Treecko. Emily threw a pokeball at the Treecko and cought it. Emily put the pokeball away. "I could use that Treecko in my next battle"
They kept walking and entered Canalave City. Jared looked around and saw only one big building. "Doesn't seem much like a city to me" Jared said. A little boy walked up to them and looked up at them.
"Can we help you?" Seth asked.
"Mama! Mama! They're here! Mama!" The little boy shouted. A woman walked up to them.
"Please, I need your help come with me" the woman said. They all looked at eachother and followed the woman to a tiny dock with a boat and a man standing in front of it. "My husband and I need you to go to Iron Island, and obtain a pokemon egg"
"Why do you need us?" Seth asked. "Why can't you or your husband go? Or your son?"
"Me an my husband and my son don't have pokemon of our own so we can't defend ourselves," the woman said.
"Must be why they live here" Brendan said. Emily stepped on Brendan's foot.
"Don't be mean!" Emily said softly. Brendan crossed his arms.
"Alright, we'll do it" Seth replied.
"Oh thank you so much" the woman said. They all walked onto the boat and the man followed behind them. The boat started and they left Canalave City Dock. Emily stood on the far end holding the rose Drew gave her.
Seth walked up next to her. "Your still thinking about that Drew guy?" he asked.
"I don't know Seth," Emily said looking down at the rose.
"Well, he's gone so forget about him" Seth said. Emily hugged Seth. Emily looked out into the distnace. Her grip on the rose got lose and the rose flew off into the sky. Emily smiled and leaned onto Seth.
They arrived at Iron Islandn and the man left with the boat.
"How are we supposed to get back?" Macey asked.
"My Swampert can take us" Brendan said. They walked around on the rocky surface and found a cave opening. Seth peered in the cave.
"It's pitch black" Seth replied. Emily took out a pokeball and Combusken came out. She picked up a stick.
"Combusken, think you can light this stick?" Emily asked. Combusken lit the stick and went back in its pokeball. Seth took the lit stick and walked in the cave. Everyone else followed behind.
They entered a part of the cave with nothing in it. A girl stood at the enterance with a Lucario by her side. "Hello?" Seth said. The girl turned around.
"Hey, I'm Riley. What are you all doing here?" she asked.
"We came to retrive an egg for someone in Canalave City" Seth replied.
"You mean this egg?" Riley said holding an egg case. "If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it"
"Alright, I'll battle you" Seth said.
"Hold it, I only do double battles" Riley said. A boy walked up next to Riley, it was Drew. "I got my partner, you choose yours"
"Alright, Emily and I will battle" Seth said.
"You have the honor of choosing first" Riley said.
"Piplup go!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball.
"Combusken go!" Emily screamed throwing the pokeball.
"Lucario go!" Riley shouted. Lucario jumped infront of her.
"Roselia, go!" Drew shouted throwing a pokeball. Roselia came out.
"Piplup, Bubble Beam!" Seth shouted. Piplup hit Lucario with Bubble Beam. Lucario countered with Aura Sphere. It hit Piplup.
"Roselia, Petal Dance!" Drew ordered. Petal dance hit both Piplup and Combusken.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Roselia was hit with Flamethrower.
"Lucario, Force Palm!" Riley shouted. Lucario hit Piplup. Piplup was down. Piplup returned.
"Absol go! Shadow Ball!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball. Absol hit with Shadow Ball. Lucario fainted.
"Roselia, Magical Leaf on Combusken!" Drew ordered. Combusken was hit with Magical Leaf.
"Combusken, Fire Spin!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit Roselia with a powerful Fire Spin. Roselia was down. Emily and Seth won. Drew walked up to Emily and Seth.
"Good battle, but I would've been better if I wasn't distracted." Drew said. Emily crossed her arms and turned away. Drew took out a rose and dropped it in front of Emily and walked away.
"That guy has problems" Seth said picking up the rose. Riley walked up to Seth and handed him the egg case.
"That was a great battle you two" Riley said as Seth took the egg. They all walked out.
"Swampert go!" Brendan shouted throwing the pokeball. Swampert came out and got in the water. Seth jumped on Swampert, the Jared, then Macey. Brendan helped Emily on the Brendan got on. Swampert swam back to Canalave.
Chapter 19 to come soon!
They all walked into Jubilife to look for a contest hall among the many huge buildings.
"Seth, we ae never gonna find a contest hall here!" Brendan shouted.
"Shut up Brendan, we'll find one!" Seth screamed. Seth stopped and looked into the distance and ran ahead.
"Seth!" Emily yelled. Emily and Brendan ran behind. Seth stopped infront of two glass doors.
"What do ya know, a contest hall" Brendan said under his breath.
"Yeah, there it is" Seth ,mumbled. Seth pulled on the door, but it didn't open. Macey and Jared walked up next to them. "It isn't opening,"
"Well duh! It's locked!" Brendan shouted.
"Guess we'll have to check back later" Seth said.
"Yes! Now can we go to the next town?" Brendan asked.
"Fine" Seth replied. They all walked into a forest leading to Canalave City. They pushed through trees and bushes. They stopped under a tree.
Emily looked up and saw a Treecko sitting on the branch. "Cool a Treecko," Emily said. Emly took out a pokeball and threw it. Combusken came out. "Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Combusken hit the wild Treecko. The wild Treecko used Razor Leaf. Combusken dodged it.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit the Treecko. Emily threw a pokeball at the Treecko and cought it. Emily put the pokeball away. "I could use that Treecko in my next battle"
They kept walking and entered Canalave City. Jared looked around and saw only one big building. "Doesn't seem much like a city to me" Jared said. A little boy walked up to them and looked up at them.
"Can we help you?" Seth asked.
"Mama! Mama! They're here! Mama!" The little boy shouted. A woman walked up to them.
"Please, I need your help come with me" the woman said. They all looked at eachother and followed the woman to a tiny dock with a boat and a man standing in front of it. "My husband and I need you to go to Iron Island, and obtain a pokemon egg"
"Why do you need us?" Seth asked. "Why can't you or your husband go? Or your son?"
"Me an my husband and my son don't have pokemon of our own so we can't defend ourselves," the woman said.
"Must be why they live here" Brendan said. Emily stepped on Brendan's foot.
"Don't be mean!" Emily said softly. Brendan crossed his arms.
"Alright, we'll do it" Seth replied.
"Oh thank you so much" the woman said. They all walked onto the boat and the man followed behind them. The boat started and they left Canalave City Dock. Emily stood on the far end holding the rose Drew gave her.
Seth walked up next to her. "Your still thinking about that Drew guy?" he asked.
"I don't know Seth," Emily said looking down at the rose.
"Well, he's gone so forget about him" Seth said. Emily hugged Seth. Emily looked out into the distnace. Her grip on the rose got lose and the rose flew off into the sky. Emily smiled and leaned onto Seth.
They arrived at Iron Islandn and the man left with the boat.
"How are we supposed to get back?" Macey asked.
"My Swampert can take us" Brendan said. They walked around on the rocky surface and found a cave opening. Seth peered in the cave.
"It's pitch black" Seth replied. Emily took out a pokeball and Combusken came out. She picked up a stick.
"Combusken, think you can light this stick?" Emily asked. Combusken lit the stick and went back in its pokeball. Seth took the lit stick and walked in the cave. Everyone else followed behind.
They entered a part of the cave with nothing in it. A girl stood at the enterance with a Lucario by her side. "Hello?" Seth said. The girl turned around.
"Hey, I'm Riley. What are you all doing here?" she asked.
"We came to retrive an egg for someone in Canalave City" Seth replied.
"You mean this egg?" Riley said holding an egg case. "If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it"
"Alright, I'll battle you" Seth said.
"Hold it, I only do double battles" Riley said. A boy walked up next to Riley, it was Drew. "I got my partner, you choose yours"
"Alright, Emily and I will battle" Seth said.
"You have the honor of choosing first" Riley said.
"Piplup go!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball.
"Combusken go!" Emily screamed throwing the pokeball.
"Lucario go!" Riley shouted. Lucario jumped infront of her.
"Roselia, go!" Drew shouted throwing a pokeball. Roselia came out.
"Piplup, Bubble Beam!" Seth shouted. Piplup hit Lucario with Bubble Beam. Lucario countered with Aura Sphere. It hit Piplup.
"Roselia, Petal Dance!" Drew ordered. Petal dance hit both Piplup and Combusken.
"Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Roselia was hit with Flamethrower.
"Lucario, Force Palm!" Riley shouted. Lucario hit Piplup. Piplup was down. Piplup returned.
"Absol go! Shadow Ball!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball. Absol hit with Shadow Ball. Lucario fainted.
"Roselia, Magical Leaf on Combusken!" Drew ordered. Combusken was hit with Magical Leaf.
"Combusken, Fire Spin!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit Roselia with a powerful Fire Spin. Roselia was down. Emily and Seth won. Drew walked up to Emily and Seth.
"Good battle, but I would've been better if I wasn't distracted." Drew said. Emily crossed her arms and turned away. Drew took out a rose and dropped it in front of Emily and walked away.
"That guy has problems" Seth said picking up the rose. Riley walked up to Seth and handed him the egg case.
"That was a great battle you two" Riley said as Seth took the egg. They all walked out.
"Swampert go!" Brendan shouted throwing the pokeball. Swampert came out and got in the water. Seth jumped on Swampert, the Jared, then Macey. Brendan helped Emily on the Brendan got on. Swampert swam back to Canalave.
Chapter 19 to come soon!
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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Chapter 19
They sat in the ocean heading to Canalave. Swampert entered Canalave dock and they all jumped off. They walked into the house by the dock. The woman stood up from the table.
"Oh thank you so much!" she said taking the egg from Seth. "As a token of our gratitude, we will let you use this boat anytime you want"
"Thanks" Seth said. They all walked out and across the bridge. And exited Canalave City. They walked along a grassy path, the grassy path soon became adorned with colourful flowers.
They soon entered Floraroma Town. The town glistened with flowers of many kinds.
"This must be where Drew gets all his roses" Brendan assumed.
"Maybe" Jared replied looking around. Emily walked foward some more and looked to the right. She saw a building and saw skinny white windmills.
"Hey guys look at this." Emily said walking twoards the building. A sign sat in front of some grass. It said "Valley Windworks"
A man walked up to them. "Hello, you look like a bunch of young children" he said
"Duh, were 12" Brendan said.
The man coughed. "Anyway, can you take this pokeball to my brother at Fuego Ironworks? It's just up the river"
Seth took the pokeball. "Sure but what's in-"
"Oh thank you!" the man shouted and ran back into the building. They walked along the edge of the river and aproached a steel building. They walked inside.
"Hello? Hello?" Seth called out. "No one is here" Sudenlly, two people with blue hair wearing ugly clothes jumped out infront of them.
"We'll take that pokeball AND your pokemon!" one of them shouted.
"Who the hell are you!" Seth shouted.
"We are Team Galactic Grunts!" they both shouted. "We won't let you by without all of your strongest pokemon and that pokeball your holding!"
Seth took out a pokeball and threw it. "Absol go! Tackle!" Seth shouted. Absol came out and jumped on the Galactic Grunts. They all ran past and Absol ran behind them.
"Weavile, go!" both Grunts shouted. Two Weavile came out and chased them and tried to attack them. Absol tried hitting them with attacks.
Brendan took out a pokeball and threw it. "Aggron go help Absol!" Brendan shouted. Aggron came out and helped Absol to stop the Weavile. The Grunts followed right behind them. Brendan looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened.
"Uh, guys, I think we should go!" Brendan shouted. They all ran faster. The entered a room. Aggron and Absol got in quickly. Brendan and Seth slammed the door and baracaded it and leaned up against it.
"Phew" they both said under their breath. Emily turned around and saw two men quivering in a corner.
"Please, don't hurt us!" one of them shouted.
"Why would we hurt you?" Emily asked.
"Aren't you Galactic Grunts?" the other said.
"No, I'm Emily, that's Seth, Jared, Macey, and Brendan" Emily said.
"What are you two doing in here? Why aren't you defending your factory?" Brendan asked.
"They took my Luxuray" one said. "Yeah. And the other took my Typhlosion" the other said.
"They tried to take our pokemon too" Seth said as his Absol walked up next to him. "Oh, are any of you related to the man at Valley Windworks?"
"That's me. Mr. Jacob Jonson" the man said walking up to Seth.
"Yeah, he told me to give you this pokeball." Seth said handing the man the pokeball. The man swipped the pokeball from Seth's hands.
"It's here! My Flaffy!" Mr. Jonson said. "Here, a passage way to outside" he leaded them to a door.
"But, the Grunts-" Seth said.
"I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door.
"I should've stayed behind and fought those Grunts off"
"Seth, you have a big heart, but somethings you can't stop" Emily said wrapping her arms around Seth.
"Yeah. Can we end this love fest and get outta here!" Brendan shouted. The ran up the edge of the river and out of Floraroma Town.
"Here, I picked this up on our way out of Floraroma Town" Seth said handing Emily a flower. Emily took the flower and kissed Seth on the cheek. They walked up the path. They stopped at a sign.
"Hearthome City this way" Jared said. They looked down the path and saw a city. They all ran down the path to Hearthome City.
Chapter 20 to come soon!
They sat in the ocean heading to Canalave. Swampert entered Canalave dock and they all jumped off. They walked into the house by the dock. The woman stood up from the table.
"Oh thank you so much!" she said taking the egg from Seth. "As a token of our gratitude, we will let you use this boat anytime you want"
"Thanks" Seth said. They all walked out and across the bridge. And exited Canalave City. They walked along a grassy path, the grassy path soon became adorned with colourful flowers.
They soon entered Floraroma Town. The town glistened with flowers of many kinds.
"This must be where Drew gets all his roses" Brendan assumed.
"Maybe" Jared replied looking around. Emily walked foward some more and looked to the right. She saw a building and saw skinny white windmills.
"Hey guys look at this." Emily said walking twoards the building. A sign sat in front of some grass. It said "Valley Windworks"
A man walked up to them. "Hello, you look like a bunch of young children" he said
"Duh, were 12" Brendan said.
The man coughed. "Anyway, can you take this pokeball to my brother at Fuego Ironworks? It's just up the river"
Seth took the pokeball. "Sure but what's in-"
"Oh thank you!" the man shouted and ran back into the building. They walked along the edge of the river and aproached a steel building. They walked inside.
"Hello? Hello?" Seth called out. "No one is here" Sudenlly, two people with blue hair wearing ugly clothes jumped out infront of them.
"We'll take that pokeball AND your pokemon!" one of them shouted.
"Who the hell are you!" Seth shouted.
"We are Team Galactic Grunts!" they both shouted. "We won't let you by without all of your strongest pokemon and that pokeball your holding!"
Seth took out a pokeball and threw it. "Absol go! Tackle!" Seth shouted. Absol came out and jumped on the Galactic Grunts. They all ran past and Absol ran behind them.
"Weavile, go!" both Grunts shouted. Two Weavile came out and chased them and tried to attack them. Absol tried hitting them with attacks.
Brendan took out a pokeball and threw it. "Aggron go help Absol!" Brendan shouted. Aggron came out and helped Absol to stop the Weavile. The Grunts followed right behind them. Brendan looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened.
"Uh, guys, I think we should go!" Brendan shouted. They all ran faster. The entered a room. Aggron and Absol got in quickly. Brendan and Seth slammed the door and baracaded it and leaned up against it.
"Phew" they both said under their breath. Emily turned around and saw two men quivering in a corner.
"Please, don't hurt us!" one of them shouted.
"Why would we hurt you?" Emily asked.
"Aren't you Galactic Grunts?" the other said.
"No, I'm Emily, that's Seth, Jared, Macey, and Brendan" Emily said.
"What are you two doing in here? Why aren't you defending your factory?" Brendan asked.
"They took my Luxuray" one said. "Yeah. And the other took my Typhlosion" the other said.
"They tried to take our pokemon too" Seth said as his Absol walked up next to him. "Oh, are any of you related to the man at Valley Windworks?"
"That's me. Mr. Jacob Jonson" the man said walking up to Seth.
"Yeah, he told me to give you this pokeball." Seth said handing the man the pokeball. The man swipped the pokeball from Seth's hands.
"It's here! My Flaffy!" Mr. Jonson said. "Here, a passage way to outside" he leaded them to a door.
"But, the Grunts-" Seth said.
"I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door.
"I should've stayed behind and fought those Grunts off"
"Seth, you have a big heart, but somethings you can't stop" Emily said wrapping her arms around Seth.
"Yeah. Can we end this love fest and get outta here!" Brendan shouted. The ran up the edge of the river and out of Floraroma Town.
"Here, I picked this up on our way out of Floraroma Town" Seth said handing Emily a flower. Emily took the flower and kissed Seth on the cheek. They walked up the path. They stopped at a sign.
"Hearthome City this way" Jared said. They looked down the path and saw a city. They all ran down the path to Hearthome City.
Chapter 20 to come soon!
BigfootTheUnbeatable
Phillies World Champions 2008!
- 191
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I don't mean to be rude, but did you listen to any of the critisisms that BreakingBen gave you? Or from anybody for that matter? Dude, there are a lot of things wrong with this.
1) Length. You just pop these chapters out with no proofreading or anything. It looks like you spent two minutes on the whole thing. ou shoultry an aim for the 5-10 page in Microsoft Word range.
2) Grammar. There are so many grammar mistakes in every chapter. I'll just point out your main problem.
This sentence: "I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door.
Should be sort of like this: "I think they are gone," Mr. Jonson guessed and he let out a sigh of relief, "Now go!" They ran out of the door.
3) Blandness. The last sentence there, "They ran out of the door" or "Seth took out a pokeball and threw it.", should be way more decriptive. Throw some adjectives in there. Make the sentence flow.
4) Mary-Sue and Gary-Stuness. Emily and Seth are just about some of the biggest Mary-Sues and Gary-Stues respectively. I mean come on? Already Emily has a Swampert? Seth with an Absol? And they defeat everyone they see. It's ridiculous. At least try to act like they're first time trainers.
5) Pacing. They're flying through their journey like nobody's business. Slow down.
6) Posting Pacing. Give the reader some time to read. You posted like 3 chapters today. Jeez. Give the fic at least a day to mull over before you just add another rushed, sloppy chapter.
7) Did you evn think about the name? They the group is clearly in Sinnoh not Hoenn.
8) Generic. Trainer journey fic that's not well written. This forum is crawling with them. You should come up wth an original idea, or at least make your journey fic interesting. I can name about 5 fics that are doing the same thing as you but 10 times better.
Overall, this fic is not very good. But it is your first right? I made the same mistakes my first time. I expect this kind of thing from newbies. Hopefully in time youll learn to take constructive critisism and grow as a writer.
1) Length. You just pop these chapters out with no proofreading or anything. It looks like you spent two minutes on the whole thing. ou shoultry an aim for the 5-10 page in Microsoft Word range.
2) Grammar. There are so many grammar mistakes in every chapter. I'll just point out your main problem.
This sentence: "I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door.
Should be sort of like this: "I think they are gone," Mr. Jonson guessed and he let out a sigh of relief, "Now go!" They ran out of the door.
3) Blandness. The last sentence there, "They ran out of the door" or "Seth took out a pokeball and threw it.", should be way more decriptive. Throw some adjectives in there. Make the sentence flow.
4) Mary-Sue and Gary-Stuness. Emily and Seth are just about some of the biggest Mary-Sues and Gary-Stues respectively. I mean come on? Already Emily has a Swampert? Seth with an Absol? And they defeat everyone they see. It's ridiculous. At least try to act like they're first time trainers.
5) Pacing. They're flying through their journey like nobody's business. Slow down.
6) Posting Pacing. Give the reader some time to read. You posted like 3 chapters today. Jeez. Give the fic at least a day to mull over before you just add another rushed, sloppy chapter.
7) Did you evn think about the name? They the group is clearly in Sinnoh not Hoenn.
8) Generic. Trainer journey fic that's not well written. This forum is crawling with them. You should come up wth an original idea, or at least make your journey fic interesting. I can name about 5 fics that are doing the same thing as you but 10 times better.
Overall, this fic is not very good. But it is your first right? I made the same mistakes my first time. I expect this kind of thing from newbies. Hopefully in time youll learn to take constructive critisism and grow as a writer.
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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- Seen Jul 9, 2012
Thanks for being honest. And I tried to change the name, but it wouldn't let me. If you read my first chapter, it says It is now Sinnoh. And Eily doesn't have the Swampert, try to read more carefully. And If you don't like my fic, don't read it. I'm gonna finish this up soon and start a new one. And I have a lot of free time on my hands, so I post a lot of chapters everyday so I don't have to worry about them later on. Cause I'm going to New York soon so I want to get it out of the way. And if you read Dark Lakitu's (sorry if I spelled it wrong) comment after Chapter 17, you'll know what I am going through because my friend could be in the hospital now! And like I said before, if you don't like my fic, don't read it. And think about this the next time you read someone else's fic you don't like.
BigfootTheUnbeatable
Phillies World Champions 2008!
- 191
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Just because your friend is in the hospital, doesn't mean it will have any affect on your fanfic. And I read and reviewed it because I want you to make the fic better because I didn't like it. That's the principal of contructive critisism. Telling me to go away won't make your writing better, feedback will.
ProtrainerEon
Ultimate Trainer
- 322
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- Seen Jun 11, 2021
I've read some of this, and I just couldn't continue. Your negativity towards some reviewers got on my nerves. Well, two I noticed were a bit mean. I got similar reviews with my first fic (oh God those days were noobish ones indeed @_@)
My point being that some of these people were just trying to help you. You can't shun people for giving you tips. You can get mad, but reviews get harsh. Deal. If you don't want any criticism and just good feedback, say so. You'll notice the decline or end of replies, however.
Nobody's perfect, and nobody writes perfect. People don't wanna waste their time on a piece of writing that won't interest them, though. You wouldn't have put this here for us to read if you didn't want us to. We have. Some of us are willing to give it a shot if you make it better. If you want us to keep reading, make it better. It's that simple.
Some of this does need fixing. I'll give some general examples of problems in the chapters.
I'll use the previous reviewer's layout, because it's neat.
1) No description. A biggie. People don't want to read boring old "Sally went to the store to buy milk and eggs," when they can read, "Sally rode her red bike to the store and picked up a jug of fresh white milk and eggs."
See the difference? You don't tell us what anything looks like.
SO plain. Combusken hit the Treecko. What did it do in the process of 'hitting the Treecko'? What does flamethrower do and look like?
Combusken inhaled, and then let loose a steady stream of orange fire from its mouth that burned the opponent mercilessly. The spectacle soon ended, leaving the normally green Treecko black and red in many areas, and completely unable to retaliate.
"Here's my chance," Emily shouted, tossing a red and white orb with a button in the center at the untamed lizard.
Smacking into its forehead, activating when the button pressed against Treecko, the object enlarged opened to reveal a cavity within. A bright red light erupted from the pokeball, enveloping and combining with Treecko, turning it into a condensed sphere of energy that returned to the inside of the ball as it shut.
A few seconds passed as the ball shook violently, then less violently as Treecko gave in. Finally stopping after a slight shiver, the ball uttered a loud chime. Emily had caught herself a Treecko. And a crispy one, at that. (XD I added that)
Ex: "Hearthome City's down this path," Jared told the others, indicating a dirt road that snaked down a couple of hills into a city full of enormous buildings that rose several stories high. (JUST AN EXAMPLE)
Finally noticing this path, the rest of the group joined Jared and they all started running down the path to Hearthome City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll add more later because I have to go now. I hope you'll learn from us trying to show you how to improve your writing, AND response to reviews.
You're right, if we don't like it we don't have to read it. There are some people who stick around and go the extra mile to point out your faults so they will like it, as BigfootTheUnbeatable tried to do.
Edit: Yeah, your friend has nothing to do with this story. Don't use that as a fallback. If you feel bad and it affects your writing, it would be kind of you to spare us as many typos as possible, take a break, and write again later with a clear head.
Note: I am not trying to be mean. I'm just displeased with the replies some of these good reviews got. Don't hate me for this.
My point being that some of these people were just trying to help you. You can't shun people for giving you tips. You can get mad, but reviews get harsh. Deal. If you don't want any criticism and just good feedback, say so. You'll notice the decline or end of replies, however.
Nobody's perfect, and nobody writes perfect. People don't wanna waste their time on a piece of writing that won't interest them, though. You wouldn't have put this here for us to read if you didn't want us to. We have. Some of us are willing to give it a shot if you make it better. If you want us to keep reading, make it better. It's that simple.
Some of this does need fixing. I'll give some general examples of problems in the chapters.
I'll use the previous reviewer's layout, because it's neat.
1) No description. A biggie. People don't want to read boring old "Sally went to the store to buy milk and eggs," when they can read, "Sally rode her red bike to the store and picked up a jug of fresh white milk and eggs."
See the difference? You don't tell us what anything looks like.
SO plain. Combusken hit the Treecko. What did it do in the process of 'hitting the Treecko'? What does flamethrower do and look like?
Combusken inhaled, and then let loose a steady stream of orange fire from its mouth that burned the opponent mercilessly. The spectacle soon ended, leaving the normally green Treecko black and red in many areas, and completely unable to retaliate.
"Here's my chance," Emily shouted, tossing a red and white orb with a button in the center at the untamed lizard.
Smacking into its forehead, activating when the button pressed against Treecko, the object enlarged opened to reveal a cavity within. A bright red light erupted from the pokeball, enveloping and combining with Treecko, turning it into a condensed sphere of energy that returned to the inside of the ball as it shut.
A few seconds passed as the ball shook violently, then less violently as Treecko gave in. Finally stopping after a slight shiver, the ball uttered a loud chime. Emily had caught herself a Treecko. And a crispy one, at that. (XD I added that)
Ex: "Hearthome City's down this path," Jared told the others, indicating a dirt road that snaked down a couple of hills into a city full of enormous buildings that rose several stories high. (JUST AN EXAMPLE)
Finally noticing this path, the rest of the group joined Jared and they all started running down the path to Hearthome City.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll add more later because I have to go now. I hope you'll learn from us trying to show you how to improve your writing, AND response to reviews.
You're right, if we don't like it we don't have to read it. There are some people who stick around and go the extra mile to point out your faults so they will like it, as BigfootTheUnbeatable tried to do.
Edit: Yeah, your friend has nothing to do with this story. Don't use that as a fallback. If you feel bad and it affects your writing, it would be kind of you to spare us as many typos as possible, take a break, and write again later with a clear head.
Note: I am not trying to be mean. I'm just displeased with the replies some of these good reviews got. Don't hate me for this.
Ninja Caterpie
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
- 5,979
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- Seen Oct 18, 2021
Feel the wrath of the awesome reviewers!!!
Yeah, go guys!
Well, Pokefan, listen to them....it's really good stuff they're telling you...
I think people are going away...xD
Yeah, go guys!
Well, Pokefan, listen to them....it's really good stuff they're telling you...
I think people are going away...xD
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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- Seen Jul 9, 2012
alright alright, i'll listen to what's his name that big foot person, and I will wait a few days before i post chapter 20 and I'm not flying through their journey, Emily only has 2 badges, that isn't flying through it. But I'll try to listen to the reviews next time
ProtrainerEon
Ultimate Trainer
- 322
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- Seen Jun 11, 2021
Pfft. What's his name? I hope you're not talking about me...
Anyway, just to let you know, badges aren't the only factor in speeding up a story. If you make people easily beat other Pokemon in a few paragraphs of text, it seems quick. Not accusing you, just giving you a hint.
Battling with ease and quickness and moving in one or two sentences from one event to the next seems rushed, and is. Watch out for that or your fic'll turn sour. Most people want to be dragged into the story and gradually find out what happens next. Try to satisfy our appetites with description and paced events.
I believe in you. You can do it! :D
Anyway, just to let you know, badges aren't the only factor in speeding up a story. If you make people easily beat other Pokemon in a few paragraphs of text, it seems quick. Not accusing you, just giving you a hint.
Battling with ease and quickness and moving in one or two sentences from one event to the next seems rushed, and is. Watch out for that or your fic'll turn sour. Most people want to be dragged into the story and gradually find out what happens next. Try to satisfy our appetites with description and paced events.
I believe in you. You can do it! :D
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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- Seen Jul 9, 2012
hey thanks a lot! I belive in me too! LOL
Saltare.
Brain bangin'
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- Seen Jul 9, 2012
Hey that's really descriptive, I'll think about that when I begin Chapter 20 thnx :)
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