(not finished... but going to reply here to "save" what I have so far)
~The Legendarian Chronicles~ Chibi Pika
Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
It's not a very appealing main title... It's not that different from the numerous "legendary ____" out there. Personally, I strongly suggest all writers to avoid the word "legend" in their story titles like plague.
As for the chapter titles, they aren't that attractive either. They don't suggest the seriousness that the story holds regarding the dark deeds of Team Rocket. Even the Pokemon Anime can use "Pikachu, we have a problem" as an episode title for something o_o; None of the other titles really stood out to me either.
Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
The narrative manner is well chosen. The beginning's 3rd person omniscient is effective to draw the readers' attention. The change to 1st person for Jade clearly seperates the background story from the actual beginning of the story very well.
Is it normal for a first person account to retell this frightening experience of being kidnapped by Team Rocket in such precise and clear detail? She isn't that old either. I doubt that a first person account can do so at a time like that. The narrator's details betray the supposed "great fear" within her.
I'm not sure if it's really such a good idea to switch to 3rd person narrative for a brief second to talk about the Rockets after Chibi unleashed the powerful attack. It defeats the purpose of the 1st person narrative to begin with- a realistic narrator who's close to action and isn't omniscient. Fortunately, this problem seems to be fixed later on in the story
Grammar/Coherence- 9/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
"the" earth... you need that article. On the other hand, species never require any article, so you just say "humans" and "Pokemon," not "the humans" and "the Pokemon."
ch.1 said:
Entei, it was called—the Beast of the Volcano. A Legendary Pokémon of living flame.
A comma after volcano instead of period
Be careful regarding conjunctions and run-on sentences... "I assumed he was higher ranking" you need a "that" after assumed.
This story barely suffers from any grammar mistakes... the mistakes are rare and far apart from each other. I'm not going to bother quoting all of them since that will take too long. I'll quote the relatively major ones from now on. Seems like Silverblaze got most of them anyway.
ch.4 said:
Apparently, they weren't, because they sure weren't where they had been before.
No idea what this means at all...
Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
You talked about the hair on 2 seperate occassions, basically repeating the same thing in ch.1. Cut one of those sentence out.
It can be really boring that way to read 6 lines of what a Pikachu looks like, even if it is slightly different from an ordinary Pikachu...
Aija really isn't making sense with her talk on sending out multiple Pokemon at once. Well, part of it is true, but then you have a wider option for combinations in attacks, and your Pokemon can support one another easily as a group. It's a seriously flawed strategy, and this flaw continues on in Stalker's short tutorial later on as well.
I'll be quiet on Aija for now because somehow I think that she is... On another note about Aija, it doesn't seem very suitable to have Aija return for a chapter, and then she is never mentioned again at all by Jade. Afterall, Aija is/was her best friend, and after such an amazing adventure together, it only seems reasonable for Jade to bring Aija up from time to time. To me, this is quite a severe problem, as I'm even tempted to throw her into "Minor Characters" rating even though I feel that she is intended to be a major character. So far, it's easily the weakest of all major character... hope that in the future chapters, she will have a stronger character basis.
Chibi doesn't impress me as much as the signature seems to suggest... I thought that he is pretty predictable o_O; However, just because he is predictable, it doesn't mean that he is a bad character. An experimental Pokemon that loaths the humans for 'controlling' Pokemon? I think I see something that's purple and white...
Jade sounds underappreciated by your other viewers... I like her the most out of all major characters (yes, more than the spiky rat of electrifying doom.) Her narration can be classified as flawless after Chapter 1, and her narration is very precise and coherent to her character. I can easily envision the situation. Her narrated actions speak for herself, unlike many other narrators who lamely reads "I'm good at _______. I suck at ________." Plus, it's about time we see an original trainer who is actually terrible in battling. This negative trait of Jade actually makes her stand out above all other origianl trainers with unsurpassed realism. Great job on Jade's character!
Minor Character(s)- 7/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
Some characters, mostly Pokemon characters, also suffered a problem that the story comes to a complete halt in action just for the sake of physical descriptions... Always, always try to have something going on (like, any minor action, any verb) at the same time.
Err Stalker (yes I see him as a pretty minor character) isn't very likable of a character actually. Seems to be a great guy, but then maybe I'm just picky about it? He is described to be "ahead of his teammates" once by Jade, and he forgot to find a way for The Rebellion to communicate with one another. The way how Stalker dispatched his agents on to important missions, such as interfering with the capturing of Raikou, isn't very realistic. He talked about battling but nothing on even general guidelines to stopping Team Rocket in field missions. It resulted in great confusion among his agents... sounds too unorganized for someone of his importance in the overthrowing of Team Rocket. Well, we'll see... As a character, he seems to be rather... poorly planned in comparison to all the others. His character is so general that he doesn't stand out at all if it isn't for his (fake) name. Just compare him in Chapter 1, and in Chapter 7, and he doesn't seem the same anymore. It's as if the author changed her mind about him, and then chose to develop him in another manner half way through the story.
Rudy, Darren and Spencer are all pretty... ordinary. They're your usual cheerful little trainers pulled out from the gameboy game and the anime. They aren't that interesting if you ask me. They share the exact character as Swift and Firestorm, which is basically "no character." Darren and Spencer are definitely understandable if they are made that way, but Rudy is basically with Jade the entire time in the story, and deserves a bit of development.
Tyson is probably the best minor character. He actually has an unique character (Tyson bickering with the executive after the crash landing is gold... hilarious scene that builds character as well) unlike the other minor character. It'll be very nice to see more human characters that have their unique trait like Tyson. He deserves a Rocket Cookie for being the 2nd best human character up to Chapter 8 (1st to Jade of course.)
Ok really minor thing but it's the minor nitpicks that seperate excellent stories from legendary fanfics. Raikou is halted by Team Rocket due to their machinerys that are capable of absorbing and reflecting electric based attacks. So... what about Raikou's other attacks...? Like in Pokemon battling, it's best to consider all the moves available in the movepool, and ultilize as much of it as possible in order for action scenes to be more strategical and clever. Electric Pokemon using electric attacks? As what Lily loves to say, even in real life, "duh." If you don't think that you know the games well enough to do this, use SPP's pokedex and it will show you the Pokemon's movepools and ability traits (which is often neglected by most writers, and it should be constantly abused in order to heighten a battle's strategical setup.)
Looking forward to see more experimental Pokemon in future chapters... they'll definitely be interesting.
This fanfic, like most others, often put a heavier emphasize on the "darker" characters. They got more time to develop, and there's a higher percentage of these "dark" characters (such as the experimental Pokemon, Rocket members, and so on) who actually possess a unique character trait or personality. The good guys need some love too =( Yes, it's possible to be good and cool at the same time...
Story Details- 10/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
If it's that close to Viridian City, then it doesn't make much sense how basically no one else noticed the Rocket's attack on Entei, and the destruction of the nearby environment. It's not very believable.
When Jade is opening the confiscated pokeballs, it's really hard to believe that Razors, the Pikachu and Tyson are still continuing their battle without being even slightly distracted by the sudden appearance of an entire herde of potential enemies (and like what Jade narrated, some of them are formidable and powerful Pokemon.) It's hard to believe that Jade got the time, undistracted by the others, to open all these pokeballs and see Rudy. Don't forget that Tyson probably got weapons of his own besides Razors (or other Pokemon) that can be used to fight Jade and the confiscated Pokemon. It doesn't make sense how no one interfered or even commented on what Jade in in those... 10 paragraphs? ... Wait! The explanation came at the very end AFTER all of that happened already? Hmm we can certainly move the explanation up front.
Houndour has an illegal moveset containing Quick Attack. It's really not so thrilling to see an ordinary Pokemon with an illegal moveset =/ Try not to twist the canon unless necessary.
Karen's talk about new recruits sound pretty lax, especially about those who joined for the heck of it... it kind of clashes the tough appearnace you've made for Team Rocket in the beginning.
The battle against Umbreon isn't very realistic... Umbreon's strong trait is its great defensive ability that is comparable to those of Claydol and Weezing if we exclude type dis/advantages o_o; How did it get knocked out by 3 non-super-effective attacks shall forever be a mystery.
Nevertheless, story details are probably one of the strongest points for this fanfic. It spends a lot of time patching up plotholes from the canon with fairly satisfying reasonings and explanations. Most of the time it changed the canon to only fix it up. Small, fine details strengthens the 1st person narrative manner, and it makes everything very real. It gives good insights to how the Pokemon World functions, and even some indirect character description.
Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, "good and evil" cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, "good and evil" are questionable
3 "Man vs. Man" along other conflicts, but "good and evil" are obvious
2 "Man vs. Man" only, good and evil are obvious
1 "Man vs. Man" only, ending is highly predictable
It's pretty easy to see who's good and who's bad here... However, there are numerous amount of conflicts and plotlines that are going on simultaneously, which is worth mentioning. It keeps the story alive and interesting. It's fair to say that this balances the fact that good and evil are relativley easy to find.
Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
Prologue said:
Darkness—few humans know what true darkness is like. There are places that lie in silence, deep under tons of water, that have never known the real blessing of light. The ancient creature knew this well, for it had spent years in solitude, biding its time until the right moment. Its piercing eyes saw all that the ocean floor had to give, and its streamlined, draconic body reflected the scarce luminosity with a purple radiation. Ancient power surged within it, and it knew when the time had come—the time that the other Legendary Pokémon had been talking about for ages.
Going to disect this first paragraph like no tomorrow... Afterall, the first paragraph is vital to persuade your readers to keep on reading.
-the first sentence got some interesting content, but its presentation can use some work. It sounds like the beginning of an explanation as if this is an essay, and it lacks strength... essays are never interesting to read.
-"tons of water" is very casual and also lacks strength. Use "within the depths" instead of "deep under tons of water" to emphasize the mysterious atmosphere.
-the legendary's ancient power doesn't have much to do with its knowledge on "the time." I'll put this fact in with the previous sentence, or start a new one.
-the last sentence is a very weak ending compare to the rest of the paragraph. Again, stay away from words that imply a casual tone such as "talked about." Generally, if a word has a very vague definition (eg. stuff, thing, talk, say) then it's probably very casual in tone. If the word has a specific yet abstract meaning, it is the word you're looking for.
You'll probably want to keep up the seriousness throughout the section where the narrator talks of the legendary creature.
"That was as it was" has so many "was" that it sounds repetitive. Always strive to use a word no more than once in a sentence, even if it is an article or a basic verb like "is."
There are some other words that can be replaced by a more specific word. An example... "The ground started to sink, revealing a sort of ramp that led downward into darkness." The word "descend" can easily replace "led downward" and "descend" is a stronger word in tone as well.
ch.2 said:
Maybe that influenced the fact that it seemed to loathe every living thing in sight.
Again, watch out if the same word is used multiple times in a sentence. "That" is repeated here, and it should be replaced.
Ok this is happening a bit too often... out of all the repetitive words, "and" seems to be the worse of them. Try using other conjunctions to replace "and."
I find less and less things to pick on regarding diction as I progress through the story. Obviously, this section seems to be improving rather quickly, which is always a good sign.
Story Structure- 13/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
Prologue said:
It involved eight members of the order of the Legendary Pokémon and a pact between them and eight unknown humans. Doing the math rapidly in its head, it realized that there were only seven years left.
It sounds really awkward and out of place... Is it even necessary to reveal the secret pact so early in the story? It's a dead hint that half of this story will involve the "reawakening" of the 8 legendaries, and how each of them will come to their rightful human partner. Even if that is incorrect, it can't be far off. I'll cut the entire section out regarding who is involved. As for the time, the "mental math" part again weakens the tone...
As for what happened with the Dark Crystal before the explosion, you completely lost me there... I'm pretty confused about it =/ That part can use some clarity. In this section, the prophecy is mentioned again, but it appeared at a time that it seems almost as if it's completely irrelevant. Usually, writers use mythical or legendary prophecies in order to heighten the suspense or the seriousness of a situation, but it failed to do so here.
Besides for the Dark Crystal, everything is pretty well planned out in terms of plot. This story has an interesting way to start, and new kinds of danger constantly appears to keep the action going.
Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Literal Device Bonus- + 2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony 1/2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme 1/3)
Total- 87/100
Don't give up that this story didn't score into the 90s. I certainly see the potential of this story shooting into that range. The story is still early in development, and I personally sense that it won't be Chibi, but probably Aija, who holds the potential to bring this story to a new height in popularity (provided that they aren't scared of this story's length ;p) I wonder if anyone else saw something "strange" about Aija, or am I just thinking about it too much? Either way, I place my bet on her.
Definitely, this story got a lot of potential... keep it going!
