I'm simply asking this cause as soon as I turned 16 and had responsibilities, for some reason or another, I have increasingly become less and less interested in everything. Like, I'm not suicidal or anything, I do want to live... but... I feel there is no reason to be alive. I wake up every day wondering "what is the point of doing anything at all, if all you're going to do is die and nobody will remember you nor will your life have actually mattered in the first place?". As I said above, I do want to be alive... but at the same time, I feel as if my reason for living is for me to merely be a parasite on this planet.
This... affliction or disorder or something of mine has gone to the point where I give up on almost everything I do. I'll start up a game I really love to play or want to play, get about halfway through, and suddenly go "why did I just waste all this time... as soon as I die or my PC dies or phone dies or flash drive dies... I will have done all of this for nothing." Like, to me, everything seems pointless and meaningless, like there is no purpose to even being alive for anyone.
Now, I can only assume a lot of this stems from my fear of death (and to clarify things, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid that once we die, that is the end of our journey, we cease to exist, our very conscious fades away and we black out), my lack of motivation in life, and my lack of support. In many ways, despite everything I do or have done, I feel as if my entire existence has had no positive impact on anything. I feel as if my life has no meaning, no purpose, no reasoning.
I'm just asking this cause no more than 5 minutes ago, I got about halfway through a very old game from my childhood (Final Fantasy VII, PS1) and then just stopped the game and deleted all of my saved data. Then I got pissed off that I deleted my save and threw my controller across the room.
Oviously, there is something mentally unstable with me, and I'd love to seek help for it... but I don't even have 1¢ to my name these days.