How i cought pikichu >:)

[ACE9223]

I was on a pursuit for Ash and Pikachu.
Went by balloon, tho I'd worked alone.
I was drifting about then what spoted my eye,
a trainer named ash, I reached for my gun.
I waited tell nightfall i settled behind the bush.
Equipped with a pokésnatcher on my right arm and one master ball.
As soon as ash was fast asleep,
i pulled out my gun and murdered that turp.
Then i've tooked my master ball.
Equipped with a pokésnatcher i used on Pikachu.
When i got back to Rocket HQ,
i got a permotion, to head commander of Team Rocket.
Now that Ash is out of the way,
will there be more along the way?


former grunt of team rocket...

 

[インフェルノの津波]

Excuse me for intruding, but next time, can you use Microsoft Word so it can spellcheck your words?

Also the story/poem doesn't make much sense, just giving you a heads up.

 

[ACE9223]

e'h everyones a criddic got nothing more to say

 

[インフェルノの津波]

Well you posted this on a public forum, so I'm just giving my feedback.

 

[ACE9223]

no problamo :) some ppl like it well others don't :(

i'd liked your honesty! thank you'd :)

 

[Oryx]

Looks like you ran it through a spell checker. Good work, it's much easier to understand now :) There are still a few issues ("permotion", "spoted", "tell") and a couple grammar mistakes, but they're pretty forgivable and you can catch them with another reading or two of the poem.

As for the content, it looks like you have an interesting story, and the poem itself could definitely be tweaked to reflect the mood of the story. As you have it right now, the mood is very detached, because no emotions are displayed whatsoever. This is a trick poets often use to get that feeling that something's wrong, by taking something that should be emotional, such as a murder scene like this one, and not injecting any kind of emotion into the lines to make it seem cold-hearted.

I feel like this poem would really benefit from a very basic rhyme scheme. It would add a lot of contrast into it; normally basic rhyme schemes are used for children's poetry, and with its dark theme it would be darkly humorous. It also regulates the flow and pacing of the poem, to keep it super easy to read.

Another thing that would make the poem really shine is to expand on the story and separate it into stanzas. For example, the line "i pulled out my gun and murdered that twerp" could have so much more explanation, at least a 4-line stanza if not more. Did the narrator watch the light go out of his eyes? Did Pikachu have any emotion at the loss of his best friend? You can do so much with something like that and I'd like to see what you come up with. The same goes for capturing Pikachu, especially since Pikachu has a history of being so hard to capture. Did Pikachu struggle to escape from the Master Ball in vain? Can he even be sent out to battle safely?

Of course, don't take any of this too hard, I'm just trying to tweak your poem so it can reach its full potential as a story. You don't have to take all of my advice but I would put some thought into the points I mentioned (rhyme, flow, rhythm, storyline, mood) and edit it to what you want out of the poem. After all, you're the author :)

 

[TJgamer]

I'm sorry to say, but, I have to agree with the other reviewers. I found this poem a little too farfetched.
I mean, a poem about a Team Rocket grunt killing off Ash and stealing his Pikachu? That's taking it a bit too far.
And as they also said, there are a couple capitalization and spelling errors. And yes, using a spell checker would be very helpful.
Not much left to say about this poem. I hate to be honest, but, this isn't very good. It doesn't even rhyme or have a certain rhythmical flow.
Just keep practicing.