Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.
You people all know what V2 stands for, I hope? Good, 'cause here is the rewrite. Hope you enjoy.
A/N: I'd like to thank Air Dragon, who goes by the name of Shiny Mightyena here on PC. Without his advice and hints, I wouldn't have been able to even get the original fic underway. I decided to do the rewrite a different way, so I hope no-one has any qualms about it. In addition to a small selection of fake Pokémon, I'd also like my readers to be aware that this fic is centred around a post D/P/Pt Kanto. A big thanks goes out to Alakazam17 for providing a traumatic memory from Shinx.
PM List:
Shiny Mightyena
Lord Darkrai
Blizzard Master
Alakazam17
Eine kalte Sehnsucht
Roronoa Zolo
List of Chapters
Book 1: The Beginning
Prologue
Chapter 1: Preparing for the Quest
Chapter 2: Josephine's First Capture
Chapter 3: Four's a Swarm
Chapter 4: Pulling a Win Out of Thin Air
Chapter 5: Mt. Moon and Beyond
Extra 1: Turning Point
Chapter 6: Cerulean City – Chaos and the Second Badge (Part 1: Misty. Part 2: Teamwork)
Chapter 7: Next Stop? The S.S. Hawkesbury!
Chapter 8: Arrival in Vermillion
Chapter 9: The S.S. Hawkesbury Showdown
Chapter 10: An Unexpected Teleportation
Prologue
Sinnoh, two weeks ago…
The sun was rising, and all was calm in the land of Sinnoh. The sky was clear, the air was fresh, and there wasn't a worry in the world for the pride of Luxray, Luxio, and Shinx, who were still sleeping under the canopy of the forest, ready to open their eyes to a new day.
Shinx was the first to awake, or so she thought. Her father, the alpha male Luxray known as Ragnar, had been challenged by a younger rival, known only as Sabre. Ragnar didn't know much about his opponent, but his father was a different story. For, though he loathed admitting it, Ragnar had been the one to take his life. And now the son had stepped up to avenge the father…
He was five kilometres away, his mane ruffling in the breeze, and his tail swishing restlessly back and forth. Instantly he was a blue blur, racing straight for Ragnar, low to the ground, fangs bared and ready. Ragnar sat back, gathering power into his legs and lowering his sleek head. He could feel Sabre's jaws whipping by his ear, missing by mere millimetres. He twisted his head, attempting to sink his teeth into his opponent's neck...
But the younger Sabre was too fast for him, already out of striking range. He then circled around, lunged, and before Ragnar had the time to react, his opponent's teeth were sinking deep into his neck. Ragnar struggled to free himself, but Sabre's grip was full of power, and more importantly, determination. Had he dug his fangs in any further, Ragnar would have seen his last sunrise that morning.
But Sabre pitied the old Luxray, already having proven that he was the stronger of the two of them. He released his hold on him, whispering one simple message into his ear before backing away.
<That was for my father, and for every other Pokémon you've unjustly killed.>
With that, he let out a triumphant roar of victory, loud enough to be heard for kilometres around. Ragnar had been beaten. He and his pride would now be banished from the land of Sinnoh, which was almost populated with prides of its kind from coast to coast, to some yet unknown distant land.
With a heavy heart in his chest, Ragnar returned to his pride, who were just getting up like they would on any morning. But as they would soon find out, there would be nothing ordinary about this one. Ragnar, as torn and bloody as he was, explained what had happened to his family, saying that they would now be banished from the land that they had called home all their lives. A few of the females looked confused as they heard the tale, but the realization soon fell upon them as they went off to usher up their Luxio and Shinx offspring before them as Ragnar led the way to the land of Kanto. It would be a two week trip, and it would be a difficult one, especially for the little ones. But there was no way around it, not anymore.
*****
They had been journeying for just two days when they got their first casualty. One of Shinx's brothers had wandered too close to a human community, and had been captured by one called a Pokémon trainer. He disappeared into a small red and white ball, and was never seen or heard of from the pride again. His remaining siblings, with Shinx included, silently mourned the loss of their brother.
They knew if they cried for him aloud that it would only cause their mother to misinterpret the cries of sorrow for those of hunger. Thus, they just kept him in their thoughts. They did not know why the human had taken him from them, and they could only hope that he was alive and well. But they all knew that they had to focus on those of the pride who were still with them; those whose lives depended on each other, and who would stay by their sides until death.
That afternoon, it seemed, their luck changed. One of the older male Luxio had come across a seemingly abandoned vessel, with a sign near it saying 'Sinnoh to Kanto Ferry'. Knowing they couldn't stay in their homeland, they padded onto the marine craft and received a shock when the ferry began moving by itself. They were unaware that a small button downstairs in the main room was glowing crimson. On it was the word 'autopilot'...
*****
The days and nights passed so routinely that Shinx, who had since called herself Pippa, had ceased to count them. And still, the pride continued on their marine adventure, still days away from the land which they hoped they would be able to call their new home.
On one morning, having reached Kanto, the pride had been forced to come to a stop, as one of their own had fallen ill. It was one of the female Luxio, someone Pippa didn't know too well, but was still someone she had seen around for as long as she had been in the pride. She was a friendly girl, having once come to play with Pippa and her younger sister when the rest of the family was adventuring through the mountains. The two Shinx had been left behind because they were deemed too young for such a dangerous excursion, and thus they were asked to stay with the rest of the pride until they returned.
But this Luxio had noticed their disappointment, and had made it her duty for the rest of the day to cheer them up. And she was successful, as the two Shinx had forgotten about all the fun things their brothers and sisters were doing, instead focusing on their run-about with the Luxio. The Luxio who was now at the centre of the pride, lying on the forest floor though not asleep.
Rumours began running amuck through the pride that this Luxio was near death. It was true that she had developed a harsh cough over the last few days, but so had several other pride members in the past, older and younger, stronger and weaker, and they had all overcome it. But still, the rumours continued to fly. Ragnar, who had since cleaned himself up from the bloody battle with Sabre, and his mate, Chiflo, tried their best to halt these rumours, but their efforts didn't come to fruition. A couple hours had passed, and the Luxio's cough had stopped. Some thought that it was a good sign, as the Luxio's mother went by her side to see how she was doing. She was lying on the ground as she had been since Pippa first saw her, even though she was not asleep.
Nor was she asleep this time. Not awake, either.
The mother, realizing that her baby had died, sat down before her daughter, raised her head to the sky, and let out a cry of despair. Pippa could see her eyes flooded with tears, as she continued to roar uncontrollably, until she too had tears forming in her eyes.
Ragnar finally had to put it to a stop, for if she cried any longer, the pride's whereabouts would be revealed to others. And while Ragnar cared for every member of his pride, he knew he had to focus on those who were still with him. The Luxio's death was tragic, but they could not afford to stay any longer. They had to move on.
Again, just as what had happened with Shinx's brother, talk of the ill-fated Luxio soon came to a stop. But Pippa, more than anyone, knew that she was still on the mind of every member of the pride, not limited just to her own grieving mother and Ragnar. But Shinx had something slightly different on her mind: in the days before her death, Pippa had unwittingly caused her grief. A few days earlier, she was attempting to cross a rapidly flowing river, when she suddenly lost her balance. It was at that moment that the late Luxio came to her rescue, pushing her back to shore. However, in doing so she had forfeited her own safety, and now she had been the one to plunge into the cold forest water.
When the Luxio came back to camp, all bloodied and drenched from the experience, Ragnar demanded to know what happened. Pippa was too scared to speak, unable to comprehend what would happen to her when her pride found out what had happened…
But the Luxio lied, saying that she had in fact been the one crossing the river when she fell in, attempting to escape from a wild Ursaring who had attacked her.
This was a few days before her death.
Pippa imagined what would happen if Ragnar and the others found out what she had done. Or worse yet, if he already knew. He was a smart Luxray, being the head of the pride for more years than she was alive; he knew a lie when he heard it. She imagined the accusatory and defensive roars that would arise had the truth ever come forth.
<Of course Ragnar knows,> she told herself. <He just wants to hold the peace for as long as he can.>
So now, thanks to her, Ragnar had yet another problem on his shoulders. <What have I done?> she asked herself one night as she looked at her pride for the last time. She had decided to depart from the group, unable to live with the guilt any longer, thinking that they would somehow be better off without her…
*****
Pippa had been wandering by herself for a little over a day, as she approached Viridian City. It was night time, and there weren't too many people walking about, so she figured she was safe.
She hadn't eaten since she had left the pride, and she was now facing the results that stemmed from her desire to flee. She also felt an overwhelming feeling of tiredness overtaking her, just as she was entering Route Two. She finally succumbed to her exhaustion, falling asleep almost immediately.
Not a bad beginning - there is some nice description here and there, and Shinx although a commonly-used Pokemon, are done different to what I have seen of them in fic before. I also quite liked the fight scene eariler - well pulled off, IMO, and exciting too.
The depressing atmosphere that you seem to be going for also is carried well - definitely reminded of it constantly through it, setting up the story well.
I do have some qualms with it here and there, mainly with the fact that some things are seemingly left up in the air. I can see why Ragnar was challenged, but then that him and the pride were forced to leave not just his pride's area, but the land of Sinnoh... it raised minor question marks for me. Didn't help when I only found out that his opponent had been from another pride after the battle - there was nothing showing this beforehand. Generally, the prologue could stand to have a bit more in the way of set-up done, to fill in the small holes.
Shinx was the first to awake, or so she thought. Her father, the alpha male Luxray known as Ragnar, had been challenged by a younger rival, known only as Sabre. Ragnar didn't know much about his opponent, but his father was a different story. For, though he loathed admitting it, Ragnar had been the one to take his life. And now the son had stepped up to avenge the father…
The beginning part sounds odd, as it straight-away jumped from on Shinx waking up to her father being already awake fighting a rival whose' father had been killed... a bit of an information overload - perhaps expanding this part to allow for more aforementioned set-up would slow it down and help the pace of this paragraph.
Another thing - I found it a bit unsettling that Ragnar's daughter is called Shinx, when all the other Shinx are also called... Shinx. Which occasionally made it a bit confusing - if this Shinx has an importance to the story, I'd suggest a name for her as well to counter the possibility of being confused in this prologue.
He was five kilometres away, his mane ruffling in the breeze, and his tail swooshing restlessly back and forth.
Is there any reason for the fact that he was 'five' kilometres away? I don't see any relevance this number holds - seems an unnecessary fact. Also, I'm a tad sceptical of the word 'swooshing' - although I know what you mean by it, it doesn't appear to be an actual word... it might though, but that will require further checking up upon.
Ragnar tried to release the hold, but Sabre's grip was full of power, and more importantly, resolution.
Find the last part of the sentence a bit... well, 'meh' - think Ragnar would have been resolved to try and get out as well, and maybe the word 'determination' would work better? IDK, but I'm not very found of the usage of the word resolution. Eh, you may choose to disregard this. =P
He released his hold on him, whispering one simple message into his ear before backing away.
You just said 'tried to release the hold' earlier, making this a touch repetitive - I'd suggest rewording.
They knew that if they cried for him aloud that it would only be mistaken by their mother as wanting to be fed, so they just kept him in their thoughts.
Found this confusing the first time I read it - again, maybe rewording this so it's clearer. Might have misunderstood initially being a touch braindead afterdoing essays and the such, but no harm in ensuring a tired mind understands striaght away. Clarity only helps, after all.
But this Luxio had noticed their disappointment, and had made it her duty for the rest of the day to cheer them up. And she was successful, as the two Shinx had forgotten about all the fun things their brothers and sisters were doing, instead focusing on their run-about with the Luxio. The Luxio who now lay at the centre of the pride, lying on the forest floor though not asleep.
Starting the sentence with 'The Luxio who now lay...' sounds a bit unsettling for me - a bit too sudden a start to the sentence at the end of this paragraph here for my liking. You've already estabish which Luxio you are talking about, so I'd advise not starting the sentence like that but rewording again so it fits into the paragraph better. Might be nitpicky and down to opinion, mind.
Also, I think you foreshadowed that the Luxio was dead a tad too much - leastways, it was easy for me to guess this, a few paragraphs before it was revealed.
<What have I done?> She asked herself one night as she looked at her pride for the last time.
Overall not bad - it was decent, certainly, but it could stand to be slown down a tad - things did seem to move a tad too quickly, and events as well occuring one right after the another did make the pace a tad too fast. A bit of further clarity here and there as mentioned would also help, so that one isn't taken out of the story here and there.
A bit more set-up explaining more on the fight and the past histories between the Luxray, and why they had to move so far away, would help slow it down - and it is something that I would have liked to have seen more of as well.
Not that much that needs adjusting though - keep it up.
Another thing - I found it a bit unsettling that Ragnar's daughter is called Shinx, when all the other Shinx are also called... Shinx. Which occasionally made it a bit confusing - if this Shinx has an importance to the story, I'd suggest a name for her as well to counter the possibility of being confused in this prologue.
In the two weeks that her pride takes to travel to Kanto, she calls herself Pippa. And she makes a return in Chapter 3, in case you were wondering.
The beginning part sounds odd, as it straight-away jumped from on Shinx waking up to her father being already awake fighting a rival whose' father had been killed... a bit of an information overload - perhaps expanding this part to allow for more aforementioned set-up would slow it down and help the pace of this paragraph.
I'll see what I can do. Given that Alakazam17 was the one who wrote the prologue for me, I'll have to quiz him on how I can expand it.
Is there any reason for the fact that he was 'five' kilometres away? I don't see any relevance this number holds - seems an unnecessary fact. Also, I'm a tad sceptical of the word 'swooshing' - although I know what you mean by it, it doesn't appear to be an actual word... it might though, but that will require further checking up upon.
See above answer. Also, you're right. Swooshing wasn't picked up at all by my Australian Spellchecker, so I'll fix that as soon as I can.
Edit: Have fixed the 'swooshing' issue.
Find the last part of the sentence a bit... well, 'meh' - think Ragnar would have been resolved to try and get out as well, and maybe the word 'determination' would work better? IDK, but I'm not very found of the usage of the word resolution. Eh, you may choose to disregard this.
That will remain as is, because the previous bit will have been edited.
Edit: Has been edited, I should say…
Overall not bad - it was decent, certainly, but it could stand to be slowed down a tad - things did seem to move a tad too quickly, and events as well occurring one right after the another did make the pace a tad too fast. A bit of further clarity here and there as mentioned would also help, so that one isn't taken out of the story here and there.
A bit more set-up explaining more on the fight and the past histories between the Luxray, and why they had to move so far away, would help slow it down - and it is something that I would have liked to have seen more of as well.
Oops, sorry. Thanks for picking that up. It's been edited in.
Edit: Done that.
Starting the sentence with 'The Luxio who now lay...' sounds a bit unsettling for me - a bit too sudden a start to the sentence at the end of this paragraph here for my liking. You've already established which Luxio you are talking about, so I'd advise not starting the sentence like that but rewording again so it fits into the paragraph better. Might be nitpicky and down to opinion, mind.
Quite correct! The 's' should be lower-case, as the brackets are serving as quotation marks.
I'm pretty much backing most of the rest of bobandbill's post here, as it pretty much covers all the bases. The gloomy atmosphere comes off pretty well and the story is very well-constructed thus far, but the story seems to move a little too quick, which is fully reasonable if there are few interruptions to the pride's journey. The fight scene, too, is well constructed. Expanding the history would be quite enjoyable, as right now we're still a bit in the dark, as it's a bit frustrating, having very little history. We have vague little holes, but still. Normally, I wouldn't complain since, of course, one has to have material for later, and flashbacks are perhaps more fun than they should be, but here... this moves very fast, which means that we need more things in the middle or else we risk becoming bored from there not being much happening. Just a thought.
However, I do look forward to reading further in the story. (After all that complaining about there still being things missing, how could I not?)
A/N: Yes, I know. It seems like a stereotypical, generic beginning, but keep reading. Something major happens. And a round of thanks goes to Alakazam17, or A17 for short, for providing Lerrow's Pokédex entry. Another round of thanks goes to -AdvancedK9- for looking over this chapter. This chapter is rated PG 13 for violence.
Chapter 1: Preparing for the Quest
Present day…
It all began one pleasant summer's morning in the peaceful little community of Pallet Town.
The town of Pallet was relatively small in comparison to the other cities and townships in Kanto. Most of the houses were built from wood, with the exception of a row of brick houses on the eastern boundary of town which belonged to the families with too much money.
Professor Oak was one of the most highly regarded Pokémon researchers in the world. He had won the Kanto region's Indigo League – a tournament held every five years at the furthest point north-west in Kanto – twice and has dedicated his life to the study of Pokémon, their habitats, lifestyles and interactions with their trainers. Since he was always known as the most renowned Pokémon expert in the entire world, the citizens of Pallet Town had always considered it an honour that he has continued to work in his home. Visitors felt that Professor Oak's Pokémon laboratory was the only real attraction in the town. It wasn't so much a tourist attraction, but more a place where interesting Pokémon events and discoveries occurred.
Pallet Town was hardly ever bustling except when the newest Pokémon trainers graduated from school – the Pokémon Trainers' Academy – usually at the age of ten. The school taught traditional classes such as maths, science, history, reading, and so on, as well as courses involving studies of Pokémon, which ranged from raising, training, breeding and battling of Pokémon. Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City, as it was the closest city to Pallet, and the only city accessible by going on foot. Nothing but deep forest lay to the east and west, and the south was a large stretch of water where Cinnabar Island resided.
As the sun started to show its face, the citizens of Pallet began waking and moving around. In a large brick red, two-story, city-style house towards the entrance of the town, a fourteen year old teenage girl named Josephine Harris woke up yawning, and lay in her bed for a few extra minutes while thinking about the day ahead of her.
Josephine was a medium-sized, red haired girl. She has a tendency to think things out more carefully than her Pewter City born friend, Rachel Savina. She also has had to assume the responsibility of the oldest child in what was previously a family of four children and two adults. Her younger nearly ten year old sister, Natalie, and herself were the only children left.
The girl had been born into a rich family as the third child of four. Unlike other children from wealthy families, she wasn't overly spoiled. As with all of the other children in Pallet, she studied at the Pokémon Trainers' Academy. However, instead of beginning her journey at the age of ten – which was the required legal age – she chose to hang around Professor Oak's lab for four years, studying about the different types of Pokémon (even Pokémon from other uncharted regions) and learning more which would, in the end, help her a lot in her upcoming journey.
Three walls of her room were made of brick – which had been painted a light green colour – and were completely devoid of anything, with the exception of a wooden framed unicorn picture on the wall opposite her bed and a painting of a girl feeding some ducks in the country on the right-hand side wall. On the third were posters of her favourite Pokémon. The last wall consisted of a security grill protected sliding door.
It was in front of the sliding door that a rectangular shaped grey table was positioned with a lone Nintendo DS console – with a Pokémon Pearl game in it – sitting on top of a spare old-styled school desk.
"Josephine? Josephine!"
In her room, Josephine stretched slightly, being careful not to end up with a leg cramp and yawned. She subsequently remembered that today was the beginning of her journey and was just getting out of her bed, when…
"JOSEPHINE ROSALEA HARRIS!! IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP, YOU'LL BE LATE!!"
She disliked it when her mother used her full name…
"Mum, it's just JOSEPHINE!" the teen yelled back. "Nothing to it, I suppose…" she added, getting out of bed properly, after wiping the sleep out of her hazel eyes. Josephine peered alertly at herself in the bedside mirror, before meandering into her en suite; her en suite of which had been built in as a separate room.
The tiled floor gave off a feeling of coldness which seeped through her feet as she walked across it. She opened the door, closing it upon entering and then turned on the water.
Half an hour later, Josephine inspected herself in her mirror. Her still drying wet hair now had a hair tie around it, creating a pony-tail look. Her outfit consisted of a sky-blue sleeveless top and a bright red miniskirt. Brown boots adorned her feet and black sunglasses had been placed over her eyes. She had been born with black hair, which had gradually lightened to brown, but she had coloured it red when she turned ten and had kept it like that ever since.
Placing her digital watch on the wrist of her left arm, she headed down the hall.
Josephine put her right hand on the railing as she descended the stairs, admiring the new carpet. Heading into the reasonably large kitchen and preparing herself a bowl of cereal, she spotted her mother relaxing on the cyan coloured sofa. Eating the cereal as fast as she could without making herself sick, she then checked to ensure that her yellow backpack was packed. Finding out that everything was in there, she placed the breakfast bowl in the sink, ran some water in it and headed to the door.
"Honey, wait," the voices of Josephine's parents spoke up. The girl's mother rose from the sofa as her father walked into the room. The masculine toned voice had come from fair haired Charles, Fiona's husband. Charles had been an Indigo League Champion at the age of twenty, but decided to quit being a trainer at twenty-three.
Saying goodbye was going to be difficult and sad.
"Yeah?" The teen turned and looked at her parents as tears started to form in her eyes.
"It's good to see that you are finally ready. Professor Oak rang and said he wants you to meet him at his lab," Fiona told her, relieved to see that her second oldest living child was finally setting off.
Josephine stood there with a puzzled look on her face, wondering what the researcher needed to give her, but then it clicked. "Of course! My Pokémon, Pokédex and Pokéballs… how could I forget…?" Josephine mentally slapped herself for forgetting such a simple thing.
As she was about to run to the lab, she remembered that this would be the last time she saw her parents before she left. She turned around and looked at them. "Mum, Dad… this is goodbye for now. I'll miss you."
Her father stared desperately at her, while her mother placed a hand on her shoulder and answered, "Yes, we'll miss you too. You have grown up incredibly fast Josephine, and we understand that you want to go on this journey."
"Alright, I'll see you later guys."
"Goodbye dear, and know that whatever happens, I'll always think of you as a Pokémon Master, because you went and attempted to accomplish your dream," Fiona said, as she smiled at her daughter. Charles stepped backwards, determined to talk to Fiona in private once Josephine had left.
Just before Josephine set off, she gave her mother one last farewell hug and this resulted in the tears flowing freely.
Wiping away the tears, Josephine started walking towards the research facility that was run by Professor Oak.
After trudging along for about ten minutes, she finally arrived at the location of the building. The laboratory's foundations were on top of a hill that was accessible by a long stairway, which took one to the entrance of the lab. It was a two-story ivory edifice that had a maroon roof which, from the top, allowed one to view the landscape as far as the eye could see.
There was a lake to the east of the hill and to the south was an untamed forest with no paths. The forest was cut short by an open range, which was met in the north by rocks and boulders. There were Pokémon scattered all over the landscape.
Josephine rang the doorbell and waited, because she knew that Professor Oak wouldn't be able to rush to answer the door. The large timber door opened a few minutes later.
"Ah, Josephine! I was wondering when you were going to arrive. Come in and let me give you your items," the elderly researcher spoke unhurriedly. The Professor was an old, but young-spirited man. His greying hair was trimmed neatly, as it came down just short of his ears. He wore a long white lab coat which fell down to his black boots.
"Thank you, Professor," she replied, at the same time feeling overjoyed that she had gotten here. Her hazel coloured eyes were shining brightly, she was smiling and she felt thrilled to be receiving her very first Pokémon.
"Right this way, then," he answered, as he turned and led the red haired girl into the lab. The first thing that was seen when entering was an array of bookshelves that were stacked against the wall, stretching from one corner of the room to the other.
To the right were small computers that blinked with all sorts of dazzling lights, with the monitors scrolling down with data that she could only guess was the research that Professor Oak and his assistants had compiled.
In the middle, between the computers, was a rather large door that was used for when they went out to care for and study the Pokémon that were kept at the lab.
To the left was a very large storage room in which the Pokéballs that contained the Pokémon were kept. One could only guess how many were amassed there.
At the top of the staircase to the right of the Pokéball storage room, the upper level was desolate except for a three bookshelves that were lined up against the left wall, an enormous computer that took up the entire southern wall, a solitary chair and finally, a small dome which was the holding place of the three Pokéballs.
"Professor, there you are! Paul and Rachel almost left without their starters, but I convinced them that Josephine was coming." One of Oak's aides appeared when the researcher and the red haired girl entered the large room which contained the small dome.
"Professor, do you still have that secret paperwork?" Another of the researcher's aides edged up to Professor Oak's side.
The elderly Pokémon scientist nodded his appreciation at the first aide, John, before turning sharply to the second. "Now is not the time to be discussing that, Leo. We will talk about that issue later on."
"But sir… Team Rocket…"
"Leo!" Professor Oak spoke the aide's name in a warning tone, wanting him to drop the matter.
Leo dropped his head, muttering "Yes, sir."
As Rachel righted herself from a handstand which she'd been doing against the wall, Paul got up off the lone chair and both teens walked towards the newcomers.
Paul Oak was of a reasonable height and had spiky, auburn coloured hair which was fluttering to one side in the light breeze that came through the windows. He wore a black shirt, baggy purple pants and on each of his wrists was a purple sweatband. He lives with his older sister, Daisy, and his grandfather, the Professor.
Rachel Savina walked forward, her long purple hair flowing behind her. She looked relaxed and supple in her outfit – a bright red zip-up skin-tight jumper and navy blue shorts. Her huge socks perfectly matched her jumper, while her white sporty shoes were marked with a solitary crimson streak. As an only child, she had grown used to being spoiled by her parents.
"So… the loser's finally arrived, huh?" Paul questioned his rival in a cocky tone, before running a hand through his fringe.
"Paul, behave yourself! Just remember that you haven't received your starter yet," Professor Oak admonished his grandson.
The auburn haired boy bit his lip. "I haven't forgotten, Professor," he answered, choosing his words carefully.
"Now, if I can have everyone's attention here please," the researcher began, motioning with his right hand to the small dome. The three trainers-to-be turned their attention to the object in question and Professor Oak continued his speech. "This year, the traditional Kanto starters are unavailable. Before you ask why, I'll explain. It is because Professor Willow of the Beklan region has agreed to help by providing the materials for my research. Personally, I'm happy that I have the chance to conduct more independent study on these unique creatures."
As the Professor picked up the three spheres, it was Josephine's hawk-like vision that alerted her to the fact that on the right hand side ball there was the image of a leaf imprinted on it; on the middle orb the image of a flame; and on the left sphere a water droplet.
"Are you sure these are new Pokémon, Professor Oak?" Josephine questioned. "Their images show that they belong to the Kanto starters." The red haired teen proceeded to fold her arms and look doubtfully at the elderly researcher.
"I hear scepticism in your voice, Josephine. What I said was the truth. Take a look if you want to be sure," Professor Oak replied and casually threw her one of the Pokéballs.
She caught the ball single-handedly and released the creature within. After the flash of white light had died down, perched on her shoulder was a rather unusual bird. The bipedal 'Leaf Sparrow' Pokémon was a small pale green avian with two tails. His tiny body had a hood of darker green leafy feathers on his head, with a small lime green 'v' marking on his chest. His wing and tail feathers were similarly coloured to his head.
Across from Josephine were Paul and his Water type and Rachel and her Fire type. The quadrupedal 'Fire Cheetah' Pokémon was small and cat-like in appearance. Her tiny body was red in colour, with a lot of black spots dotted on her fur, a small white patch of fur at the tip of her tail and a sweet, innocent expression was seen on her face.
The other quadrupedal Pokémon had the classification of 'Water Dog' and, like his two companions, was small. He was covered all over in blue fur, the two exceptions being his tail and three rounded locks of fur on top of his head which were white. A somewhat comical expression was seen on his face, as if he wanted to be silly on purpose, and he had two rather large, floppy ears.
"Their names are Lerrow, Firkit and Liquipup," Professor Oak explained. "Official types come in as Grass/Flying, Fire and Water. I'd like you three to raise them so that their potential may be discovered."
"Sure thing, Professor!" Josephine and Rachel spoke as one.
Suddenly, before anyone could speak any further, the sound of crashing glass distracted everyone. A guttural roar ripped through the air, causing the trio of trainers – even Professor Oak himself – to look skywards as an odd creature jumped down from the roof, with a single man landing afterwards.
The man had a strange, almost maniacal smile on his face, his eyebrows raised and hands behind his back. The eyes were dark and glinted at them eerily in the morning sunlight, his dark hair not even having a highlight gleam.
The creature, who was obviously his 'partner', stood to his full bipedal height of six foot eleven inches. The sunlight, which now poured in through the shattered skylight, gave away his yellow eyes, small, rounded ears, a feline nose and an orangeish-brown complexion beneath short black fur. There was a mangled scar over his right eye, which had no doubt left him permanently blind.
While all of this was going on, Rachel had managed to grab a Pokédex and scanned the creature. "Reja, the Dark Spirit Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Dark and Fighting types. Reja are renowned for walking in the shadows and causing grief to human families. Where a Reja has been, there will be death, sorrow and destruction."
In the blink of an eye, the man whipped out a shuriken and pitched it at an unsuspecting Lerrow. The weapon whistled as it sliced through the air towards the small avian; when it connected, a soft crack was heard and before the trio knew what was happening, the shuriken was back in the man's hands.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I attacked the bird and not the cat or dog?! It's because a bird can't fly with only one limb! Be grateful that all he got was a fractured wing!" he snarled. "It could have been much worse!" From his belt, he pulled off something that looked suspiciously like a bomb.
Professor Oak's eyes widened in horror. "You wouldn't…" was all he could say. The elderly researcher froze as the man raised an eyebrow.
"You think I would…?" He smiled disarmingly. "You're right, I wouldn't. But I will do this… Reja, you know what to do."
<With pleasure,> the Dark/Fighting type answered hoarsely. As he began radiating an aura of darkness, Professor Oak stumbled backwards slightly as he let out a silent gasp.
"You three… John and Leo, you too," the researcher whispered back to the trainers and aides standing behind him. "Take your belongings and leave quickly."
"What the hell is going on here?" the trainer trio thought at the same time. Josephine and Rachel's hazel and blue eyes respectively had narrowed in alarm at what the Professor had told them. Paul's pupils had contracted in fear upon hearing his grandfather's instructions.
"NO!" He mentally yelled. "By rights, I should stay here. I can't let anything happen to gramps…"
The Professor, having relatively good intuition, was sort of able to tell what the trio were thinking. "Go now!" He half pushed them away. "You're no help to anyone, you three, if you're dead. GO!"
Josephine, Rachel and Paul grabbed their stuff and the trio fled; Rachel, however, was unaware that Leo had stuffed a small wad of paperwork into her backpack before the junior aide had left suddenly.
Reja's right clawed paw absorbed most of the dark energy before the Dark Spirit Pokémon lashed out, driving said paw into the Professor's heart. Grunting in pain, he collapsed in a heap, colliding with his office desk on the way down. Blood spurted from Professor Oak's wound as the nauseating snapping of muscles reached the keen ears of a Pidgey who was roosting outside in an old cedar tree.
The ninja paused, as if he could hear something, and then spoke abruptly to his partner. "Reja! Move quickly! Someone's reading my aura!"
The Dark Spirit Pokémon vanished, along with his human partner, not so suddenly as they had arrived; a dark grey plume of smoke rose from where the smoke bomb had been thrown to the ground in haste.
A sheet of paper lay inconspicuously on the floor. On it was the letter 'R' in crimson colouring…
*****
The trio had fled the building and out the front door. Paul and Rachel continued on, but Josephine looked up as she began to walk along Route One, the red haired girl unaware that Professor Oak was bleeding to death. The sun was now in plain view, almost blinding from where Josephine was standing and the grass was glimmering as the dew dropped from each blade.
Although the day was just beginning, as was Josephine's Pokémon journey, the day in itself had taken a tragic turn. She had her first Pokémon, and already knew where she was to go next – Viridian City. Despite the fact that the teen would never see Professor Oak again, and while she would grieve in her own way, at the moment she had determination in her hazel coloured eyes as she continued to look at the sky. She then looked down at the orb which contained her partner and opened her Pokédex.
"Lerrow, the Leaf Sparrow Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Grass and Flying types. Lerrow makes its home in the tallest of trees. It is hard to find as the beating of its wings sounds just like the rustling of leaves," the red electronic device reported in a flat, feminine-toned voice.
"Lerrow, huh?" The red haired teen pondered, as if only just hearing the name for the first time. "I need to nickname you. Hmm…" She paused momentarily. "How about Lezro? Do you like that, boy?"
<I like it. Tis a well thought out name,> the newly named Lerrow sounded as though he was relaxing in his sphere as he spoke slowly.
*****
A figure took a step into the dim light that somehow hung in the room with no lights or windows, revealing a beautiful girl in her late teens. Her black hair, as straight as a Scyther's claw, matched her black dress perfectly, but over her dress she wore a red trench coat identical to that of her junior trainers', so none looking at her could make the connection between hair and dress.
As her crimson eyes flashed cyan, a tall man dressed in dark brown ninja-style clothes faced his companion. A red scarf was wrapped around his neck and broadened to look like a cape. The sleeves and top of his boots were marked with red circular stripes. He had black spiky hair and there was always a serious expression on his narrow-set face. He put two fingers together and placed them on his forehead; it seemed that he was deep in concentration.
"What news, Sabrina?" The ninja asked the Psychic type Gym Leader in a quietly spoken, refined sort of voice.
"What news indeed, Koga," she began telepathically in a superior tone. "It seems one of your former students has joined the Rockets, the very team we fight against."
"Why? Did you get a lock…?" Koga trailed off when Sabrina shook her head.
"I do not know why, nor did I get a 'lock' as you call it, on their gender."
The Poison type Leader and ninja narrowed his brown eyes in scorn. "Well, I'll see what I can do."
Flicking her eyes briefly to the ground, before looking at Koga once more, Sabrina quietly answered his statement. "It's far too dangerous, Koga. We're all known to Team Rocket now that we've reformed. Something bad will happen if you do this by yourself. Let me come."
"Very well," the Fuchsia City Gym Leader replied. "Let us do our worst."
Anyways, another chapter, another review, I suppose. Not bad, but I have a number of things to say. -_- It had some nice description, and certainly the plot is moving along, although some things I have to say are on that. I'm in a critique mood atm though, so never mind the fact that's what this review is focusing on. =P
First I'll reply to this:
In the two weeks that her pride takes to travel to Kanto, she calls herself Pippa. And she makes a return in Chapter 3, in case you were wondering.
Fair enough - think you should mention that and use this in the prologue though, just so it's clear.
Now, this occurred to me. This is one tiny problem with this thing that I forgot to mention (yeah, go me =P). See, these shinx and whatnot are to/have travelled from Sinnoh... to Kanto. Yet, Kanto is, according to various parts of Pokemon canon, separated from Kanto by ocean. This might hurt the fact they travelled there by foot, I'd have to say. =/ Not sure how you'd overcome it either without changing something significantly, or adding in something to explain this. But I do feel it needs to be addressed, because I don't think shinx are that great swimmers. =P
The rest of this review revolves around more quotes...
Josephine was a medium-sized, red haired girl who was impatient, yet kind, caring and hyper at the same time. She has a tendency to think things out more carefully than her Pewter City born friend, Rachel Savina. She also has had to assume the responsibility of the oldest child in what was previously a family of four children and two adults. Her older sister, Tara, died in a car accident and nobody knows what happened to her older brother, Rowan, who was no longer part of the family. Her younger nine year old sister, Natalie, and herself are the only children left.
First bolded part felt a bit lazy to me, in that you suddenly just told us this personality that she had, without even showing it. Hence it's not that easy to get a feel for her, despite the fact you did give her a personality - show it through actions, and dialogue, and so forth.
As for the other bolded words... it felt you did a few things with them there. Firstly, you seemingly broke tense there - it contradicts with 'was' and so forth surrounding this part. Also, it sounds more like that you as the narrator is telling us this, rather than it being part of the story itself, which breaks me out of it a tad. It's too much on the telling side, and in a way that is right to the reader, as if you are addressing them - 'here is so and so. She is like this. Once she did this. Anyway...' I'd suggest reworking this part, as she is seemingly introduced too fast and rapidly here - don't info-dump too much.
Also, this is just personal preference here, but I'm not the greatest fan of depressing overtones, so I'm not the biggest fan of these back-stories, sorry. =P Not a bad thing, but I'm not one who's all for characters who have missing sisters, disabled dads, and so forth - and it does seem that you are maybe overusing this a tad - all the characters seeming have something bad about them - Pippa and that Luxio, Josephine and her family, and even Paul Oak - seems just a tad much, really. =/
However, instead of beginning her journey at the age of ten – which was the required legal age – she chose to hang around Professor Oak's lab for four years, studying about the different types of Pokémon (even Pokémon from other uncharted regions) and learning more which would, in the end, help her a lot in her upcoming journey.
Standard reason for having protagonist start at a later age is standard. Seems ok, I suppose...
It was in front of the sliding door that a rectangular shaped grey table was positioned with the girl's laptop and story writing material on it. She only had one laptop – a HP Compaq nx9005; but she badly wanted the internet on it, so she wouldn't have to keep going down to the local library. A reasonable sized TV rested near the Canon Pixma ip4200 printer she owned, with a lone Nintendo DS console – with a Pokémon Pearl game in it – sitting on top of a spare old-styled school desk.
I kinda dislike this random, real-world items being thrown in, tbh. Mainly as there really seems to be little need to them, and also, there is very little to gain out of them as well in terms of 4th-wall breaking. Just a bit... eh. One can forgive the Nintendo DS as it's a throwaway each game does anyway, but here, your use of real-world items didn't really work. =/ Might be partly personal opinion though, but I'd advise against it here as it doesn't really fit in, and seemingly serves no purpose. Same goes for the mention of 'Brown Blunderstone' shoes - it more distracts then anything, especially as I have no idea about that brand of shoes either. =/
As the sun rose even higher over the small town, the teen wearily got up in response to her mother's shouts that she'd be late if she didn't hurry up and got ready to head towards her en suite; her en suite of which had been built in as a separate room. She flicked off her sheet and got out of her bed, placing her feet on the lino-ed floor.
Would reword this - firstly, not sure if you should start a new sentence at 'This', and separate it from the ellipse as well - secondly, it again feels a bit like you are addressing the audience directly as the audience again, by saying 'This resulted in...'. Also a tad simplistic - don't slip into 'this happened, and then that happened' style that could arise.
Paul Oak was of a reasonable height and he had spiky, auburn coloured hair which was currently fluttering to one side in the light breeze that came through the windows. He wore a black shirt, baggy purple pants and on each of his wrists was a purple sweatband. To sum Paul up, cocky and arrogant would be one's best bet to describe him. His mother died in a car accident when he was ten and his father abandoned him, leaving him to live with his older sister, Daisy, and his grandfather, the Professor.
That 'he' isn't really necessary - description could be a bit less listy as well? Eh, nitpicky on that point. I found it odd though that you gave Oak another grandson called Paul, when there was one called Gary from canon - and as touched on before, having him with a dead mother and a father who left him just feels out of the place, and unneeded as well, really - just like random facts thrown in for the sake of it.
As an only child, she grew used to being spoiled by her parents and desires nothing more than to capture the Pokémon she's currently obsessed with.
Again, also feels that you are directly addressing the audience directly here. - it's the wording that does it. Try to avoid it, and also try to avoid telling so bluntly straight away - it's ok to do this at times, of course, but try to do it a bit more gradually as well - introduce some info as the story goes in, through actions, dialogue, and thoughts, rather than telling us then and there. Again, expand, and try not to move through things too quickly.
Interesting that Fakemon are here, and in a Kanto fic as well. Might be a bit suspicious, but you described them enough to begin with, and you also gave an explanation to this as well, which was good of you. So far decent - introduced characters, although they way you did it could be done better, and explained some elements of your story as well.
But I felt that story-wise; the story took a turn for the worse when ninja-man appeared. =/
In the blink of an eye, the man whipped out a Shuriken and pitched it at an unsuspecting Lerrow.
It's just an object - no need for the capital.
Now, I'm assuming you wanted the appearance of this man and his Pokemon to be veiled in mystery, so that we don't know why he would kill oak and be left guessing, and wanting to know more. But you left way too much in the air here, or didn't quite get the delivery right rather, which had me a bit confused over the ninja, wondering 'what the frell?', so to speak. (thanks, Sike =P).
It just seems way too 'out there' for my liking. There was no foreshadowing done to hint as to why this may be the case, or even that there may be a reason that Team Rocket hired a ninja to kill Prof Oak who by the games doesn't do anything to hurt anybody. Yet a ninja has arrived, throwing a shuriken at Pokemon, and things like this:
From his belt, he pulled off something that looked suspiciously like a bomb.
Which I might add he didn't even use. But if he didn't plan to use it, then why bring it? Just feels too much is relied on the awesome factor, which is out of place and too questionable for the time being. Although the killing was nice and dark...
Part of the problem I feel is from the reactions from the characters themselves. Oak at least reacts right off the bat, and seems human - but the other characters watching? No sense of emotion, or fear, or anything from them at all! Where is the panic? Or Paul's anguish? They act like robots here, and seem to act at the time that this is an average, ordinary thing to happen. If they registered this, and reacted the way I would have in this situation - to a ninja with a menacing looking Pokemon bursting through the roof and throwing a shuriken at my new Pokemon, while the professor looks worried to say the least, or to said ninja killing my grandfather - one of the supposedly last remaining relatives I have left - then the scene would be much better, and although the thing would still have me a tad sceptical, I'd be far more accepting of it. But otherwise, definitely was a weak part, have to say. =/
The ninja paused, as if he could hear something, and then spoke abruptly to his partner. "Reja! Move quickly! The law idiots are coming!"
I found this an odd thing for a ninja to say - 'the law idiots are coming!' - well, why not call them the police, as they are called? Or the idiotic police? 'Law idiots' doesn't feel a correct thing for anyone to say... =/ Also - where did the police come from? How would they know that he had just killed Prof Oak? Maybe he got their attention earlier, but you made no mention of this.
I arguably have bigger qualms with the following scene though...
Josephine and Rachel had fled the building and out the front door. Rachel continued on, but Josephine looked up as she began to walk along Route One, both teens unaware that Professor Oak was bleeding to death. The sun was now in plain view, almost blinding from where she was standing. The grass was glimmering as the dew dropped from each blade.
The day was just beginning, as was Josephine's Pokémon journey. She had her first Pokémon, and already knew where she was to go next – Viridian City. The teen, now with determination in her hazel coloured eyes, continued to look at the sky. She then looked down at the orb which contained her partner and opened her Pokédex.
"Lerrow, the Leaf Sparrow Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Grass and Flying types. Lerrow makes its home in the tallest of trees. It is hard to find as the beating of its wings sounds just like the rustling of leaves," the red electronic device reported in a flat, feminine-toned voice.
"Lerrow, huh?" The red haired teen pondered, as if only just hearing the name for the first time. "I need to nickname you. Hmm…" She paused momentarily. "How about Lezro? Do you like that, boy?"
<I like it. Tis a well thought out name,> the newly named Lerrow sounded as though he was relaxing in his sphere as he spoke slowly.
Firstly and more minority, there are 4 sentences there out of 5 starting with 'The' - a touch repetitive. I'd change a few of them, as well as considering changing the sentence length as well - it is a bit similar as well there. Suggest the hyphen to link 'feminie' and 'toned' as well.
But the main thing is that they fled... and there is no more mention about the previous events. They still haven't reacted to ninja and scary-Pokemon, shurikens, and un-deployed bombs left behind with visibly-scared professor and his grandson! That I cannot buy, really - unless they are lacking in brain cells - and note that even Ash knows enough that guns = bad - they should by all rights should have had more on their mind then what they should name their Pokemon. Some fear, and worry for Prof Oak, and some action taken place as well, such as contacting the police! But none of this is done.
In short, although the writing was decent in places, and you carry the drab, sligthly-negative atmosphere well (I'm not the greatest fan of it, but that's because I tendto like happier stuff - still do appreciate it), the events in this chapter were too much for me to accept. My advice is to rethink this chapter, and redo parts of it - although it can work, the delivery needs to be improved, and character reactions re-thinked/added.
Take the time with it - slow things down. Don't have things happen too fast - fill in the gaps. Show more rather than telling in terms of back-stories and character personalities. And make sure to slow down the important events, and consider the characters some more, as they are part of the weaknesses your story has. Think from their viewpoints - 'What will I do in regard to this event? What will I be thinking? What will I be feeling?' - and then show us this. Remember too at actions remotely suspicious tend to gain people's attention - and a ninja bursting through the ceiling with a bomb and all tends to rank highly on the suspicious list.
Take the time to edit and all - think things through yourself; slow things down and fill in the gaps- your story will be much stronger and better for it, and does need some of this. Good luck with that - you have the basis, but you need the rest to support it.
I guess it's about time i threw my hat into this review ring...
First, the prologue. It was very impressive and most things were explained really well. Aside the Pippa thing and the crossing oceans thing that bobandbill iterated on, there were no real problems. Great job.
chapter One? Ah. Now we have to go through a couple of isues. I'll start wih Josephine.
She seems like a self-insert to me. and like b&b, I thought the odd tenses made for complex reading, and slightly rushed writing. Most of the descriptions (mainly, those of the primary characters) were what is called stringy: piling all the traits and attributes of the character into a single sentence. I think you should chill a bit and try to work the description into the chapter some more. I'll try staying online longer so we can address thiis.
Then Rachel. What I found odd about her was the fact that despite you calling her impulsive, she ran away at the first sign of danger. while thegirls may be physically mature for the journey and that knowing when to run and fight another day shows mental acuity and effective risk calculation, running from every little threat would make Rachel of all people less imlsive and impatient that you'd think.
Paul I had no issue with. Except how he could watch the actual moment of his grandfather's murder with apparently no emotion at all. Plus therewas no explanation as to why he stayed anyway.
The 'ninja' dude, however... chucking shuriken at Lerrow seems to be what gives him a kick. Was there any reason for attacking a bird when there are two apparently more adept fighers in the room?
Reja kicked ass, btw.
Just slow things down. Don't pile a description into a sentence/paragraph. Maybe put one trait, or characteristic into a single action. e.g.: tossed her raven hair, her crimson irises flashing angrily.
With personality quirks, try putting different scenarios into the chapters and show with action or dialogue how they'd react to it. This will help build uppersonality for the characters and by changing the responses subkty from chapter to chapter, or as time and their journeys progress, is a great way to practice character development.
Well, better login, as I forsee a chat in the not so distant future.
Now, this occurred to me. This is one tiny problem with this thing that I forgot to mention (yeah, go me =P). See, these shinx and whatnot are to/have travelled from Sinnoh... to Kanto. Yet, Kanto is, according to various parts of Pokemon canon, separated from Sinnoh by ocean. This might hurt the fact they travelled there by foot, I'd have to say. =/ Not sure how you'd overcome it either without changing something significantly, or adding in something to explain this. But I do feel it needs to be addressed, because I don't think shinx are that great swimmers. =P
Yet on a map of Japan, there is nothing but land separating the two regions. Weird…
But anyway, I've added something in. Same with Chapter 1.
As for the other bolded words... it felt you did a few things with them there. Firstly, you seemingly broke tense there - it contradicts with 'was' and so forth surrounding this part. Also, it sounds more like that you as the narrator is telling us this, rather than it being part of the story itself, which breaks me out of it a tad. It's too much on the telling side, and in a way that is right to the reader, as if you are addressing them - 'here is so and so. She is like this. Once she did this. Anyway...' I'd suggest reworking this part, as she is seemingly introduced too fast and rapidly here - don't info-dump too much.
You say "reword this part" a lot… I really am doing the best I can. But anyway, I've changed all three of the trainers' descriptions, made them less list-like and all that.
Also, this is just personal preference here, but I'm not the greatest fan of depressing overtones, so I'm not the biggest fan of these back-stories, sorry. =P Not a bad thing, but I'm not one who's all for characters who have missing sisters, disabled dads, and so forth - and it does seem that you are maybe overusing this a tad - all the characters seeming have something bad about them - Pippa and that Luxio, Josephine and her family, and even Paul Oak - seems just a tad much, really. =/
I kinda dislike this random, real-world items being thrown in, tbh. Mainly as there really seems to be little need to them, and also, there is very little to gain out of them as well in terms of 4th-wall breaking. Just a bit... eh. One can forgive the Nintendo DS as it's a throwaway each game does anyway, but here, your use of real-world items didn't really work. =/ Might be partly personal opinion though, but I'd advise against it here as it doesn't really fit in, and seemingly serves no purpose. Same goes for the mention of 'Brown Blunderstone' shoes - it more distracts then anything, especially as I have no idea about that brand of shoes either. =/
Would reword this - firstly, not sure if you should start a new sentence at 'This', and separate it from the ellipse as well - secondly, it again feels a bit like you are addressing the audience directly as the audience again, by saying 'This resulted in...'. Also a tad simplistic - don't slip into 'this happened, and then that happened' style that could arise.
That 'he' isn't really necessary - description could be a bit less listy as well? Eh, nitpicky on that point. I found it odd though that you gave Oak another grandson called Paul, when there was one called Gary from canon - and as touched on before, having him with a dead mother and a father who left him just feels out of the place, and unneeded as well, really - just like random facts thrown in for the sake of it.
The 'he' part is fixed. FYI, Paul = Gary. Just different clothes and different name. And I have resolved the family issue.
Again, also feels that you are directly addressing the audience directly here. - it's the wording that does it. Try to avoid it, and also try to avoid telling so bluntly straight away - it's ok to do this at times, of course, but try to do it a bit more gradually as well - introduce some info as the story goes in, through actions, dialogue, and thoughts, rather than telling us then and there. Again, expand, and try not to move through things too quickly.
Interesting that Fakemon are here, and in a Kanto fic as well. Might be a bit suspicious, but you described them enough to begin with, and you also gave an explanation to this as well, which was good of you.
Now, I'm assuming you wanted the appearance of this man and his Pokemon to be veiled in mystery, so that we don't know why he would kill oak and be left guessing, and wanting to know more. But you left way too much in the air here, or didn't quite get the delivery right rather, which had me a bit confused over the ninja, wondering 'what the frell?', so to speak. (thanks, Sike =P).
Yes, I did want the man and Reja to be veiled in mystery. But as to whether Oak is dead or not, you'll just to have wait and see.
It just seems way too 'out there' for my liking. There was no foreshadowing done to hint as to why this may be the case, or even that there may be a reason that Team Rocket hired a ninja to kill Prof Oak who by the games doesn't do anything to hurt anybody. Yet a ninja has arrived, throwing a shuriken at Pokemon, and things like this:
Quote:
From his belt, he pulled off something that looked suspiciously like a bomb.
Which I might add he didn't even use. But if he didn't plan to use it, then why bring it? Just feels too much is relied on the awesome factor, which is out of place and too questionable for the time being. Although the killing was nice and dark...
Was it really that disjointed? Very well, I shall rewrite certain parts of Chapter 1 to include some foreshadowing.
Edit: Have rewritten...
Part of the problem I feel is from the reactions from the characters themselves. Oak at least reacts right off the bat, and seems human - but the other characters watching? No sense of emotion, or fear, or anything from them at all! Where is the panic? Or Paul's anguish? They act like robots here, and seem to act at the time that this is an average, ordinary thing to happen. If they registered this, and reacted the way I would have in this situation - to a ninja with a menacing looking Pokemon bursting through the roof and throwing a shuriken at my new Pokemon, while the professor looks worried to say the least, or to said ninja killing my grandfather - one of the supposedly last remaining relatives I have left - then the scene would be much better, and although the thing would still have me a tad sceptical, I'd be far more accepting of it. But otherwise, definitely was a weak part, have to say. =/
I found this an odd thing for a ninja to say - 'the law idiots are coming!' - well, why not call them the police, as they are called? Or the idiotic police? 'Law idiots' doesn't feel a correct thing for anyone to say... =/ Also - where did the police come from? How would they know that he had just killed Prof Oak? Maybe he got their attention earlier, but you made no mention of this.
I see no point in repeating myself again. Will fix.
Firstly and more minority, there are 4 sentences there out of 5 starting with 'The' - a touch repetitive. I'd change a few of them, as well as considering changing the sentence length as well - it is a bit similar as well there. Suggest the hyphen to link 'feminie' and 'toned' as well.
But the main thing is that they fled... and there is no more mention about the previous events. They still haven't reacted to ninja and scary-Pokemon, shurikens, and un-deployed bombs left behind with visibly-scared professor and his grandson! That I cannot buy, really - unless they are lacking in brain cells - and note that even Ash knows enough that guns = bad - they should by all rights should have had more on their mind then what they should name their Pokemon. Some fear, and worry for Prof Oak, and some action taken place as well, such as contacting the police! But none of this is done.
Yep. Concern duly noted and taken on board; more on their emotions and whatnot is revealed in Chapter 2.
In short, although the writing was decent in places, and you carry the drab, sligthly-negative atmosphere well (I'm not the greatest fan of it, but that's because I tendto like happier stuff - still do appreciate it), the events in this chapter were too much for me to accept. My advice is to rethink this chapter, and redo parts of it - although it can work, the delivery needs to be improved, and character reactions re-thinked/added.
Take the time with it - slow things down. Don't have things happen too fast - fill in the gaps. Show more rather than telling in terms of back-stories and character personalities. And make sure to slow down the important events, and consider the characters some more, as they are part of the weaknesses your story has. Think from their viewpoints - 'What will I do in regard to this event? What will I be thinking? What will I be feeling?' - and then show us this. Remember too at actions remotely suspicious tend to gain people's attention - and a ninja bursting through the ceiling with a bomb and all tends to rank highly on the suspicious list.
Thanks for the review, bobandbill. It is appreciated and all of your concerns will be taken on board as per the x number of times I've said it.
My reply to AD's review…
I guess it's about time i threw my hat into this review ring...
First, the prologue. It was very impressive and most things were explained really well. Aside the Pippa thing and the crossing oceans thing that bobandbill iterated on, there were no real problems. Great job.
Why, thank you AD. Yep, have fixed the 'crossing oceans' issue bobandbill brought up. You'll have to re-read the prologue, though, to see it.
chapter One? Ah. Now we have to go through a couple of isues. I'll start wih Josephine.
She seems like a self-insert to me. and like b&b, I thought the odd tenses made for complex reading, and slightly rushed writing. Most of the descriptions (mainly, those of the primary characters) were what is called stringy: piling all the traits and attributes of the character into a single sentence. I think you should chill a bit and try to work the description into the chapter some more. I'll try staying online longer so we can address this.
I've taken the advice on board and will try harder to quote "work the description into the chapter some more." Btw, it's a bugger that the library computers only give one an hour… we didn't get to have that talk.
Then Rachel. What I found odd about her was the fact that despite you calling her impulsive, she ran away at the first sign of danger. while the girls may be physically mature for the journey and that knowing when to run and fight another day shows mental acuity and effective risk calculation, running from every little threat would make Rachel of all people less impulsive and impatient that you'd think.
Ah, but… This time around Oak left them no choice. They HAD to run. Otherwise, they could very well have died by Reja's claws.
Paul I had no issue with. Except how he could watch the actual moment of his grandfather's murder with apparently no emotion at all. Plus there was no explanation as to why he stayed anyway.
As above; they didn't stay. And check your PM Box, btw.
The 'ninja' dude, however... chucking shuriken at Lerrow seems to be what gives him a kick. Was there any reason for attacking a bird when there are two apparently more adept fighters in the room?
Just slow things down. Don't pile a description into a sentence/paragraph. Maybe put one trait, or characteristic into a single action. e.g.: tossed her raven hair, her crimson irises flashing angrily.
With personality quirks, try putting different scenarios into the chapters and show with action or dialogue how they'd react to it. This will help build up personality for the characters and by changing the responses subkty from chapter to chapter, or as time and their journeys progress, is a great way to practice character development.
Well, better login, as I forsee a chat in the not so distant future.
Well here I am to give my review, as promised. Sorries it took awhile, though admittedly I wasn't completely to blame. *looks at PC's database errors on my last day off*
That said, I'll skip the review for the Prologue, because I'd mostly be just reviewing my own work, XD. That said, I find those thought-speech markers(or PokeSpeech, as I believe some call them) to be interesting. However, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but, shouldn't they only be used for spoken dialogue? For example, their last usage in the Prologue is for thoughts, not spoken dialogue. ^_^
Their journeys would usually start by travelling north to Viridian City
Josephine was a medium-sized, red haired girl. She has a tendency to think things out more carefully than her Pewter City born friend, Rachel Savina. She also has had to assume the responsibility of the oldest child in what was previously a family of four children and two adults. Her younger nearly ten year old sister, Natalie, and herself were the only children left.
This is more of a general pet peeve of mine, but I think you should reference Pokemon in phrases like that, rather than real-life animals. That said, there's nothing wrong with how you said it. I just thought I should point this out. ^^
Josephine put her right hand on the railing as she descended the stairs, admiring the new carpet. Heading into the reasonably large kitchen and preparing herself a bowl of cereal, she spotted her mother relaxing on the cyan coloured sofa. Eating the cereal as fast as she could without making herself sick, she then checked to ensure that her yellow backpack was packed. Finding out that everything was in there, she placed the breakfast bowl in the sink, ran some water in it and headed to the door.
Hmm...perhaps it would be a good idea to describe things in more detail than just colour. For example, instead of "yellow backpack" you could say "bright yellow pack with the imprint of a poke ball on the side." Again, just pointing something out.
Hehe, quite a good intro overall, especially seeing as you included my favourite Pokemon lady in just at the end-and with a fabulous getup to boot. :D
The only other thing of note is that in a few places I saw a lack of commas where they aught to be. For example, I believe "Her younger nearly ten year old sister" should have a comma after 'younger.'
But as I said, I enjoyed the chapter, and I hope to see your next one up soon. And assuming we get no more database errors, I won't take as long to review again. *sweatdrop*
The Pokemon-world version. So yeah - there be an ocean.
That afternoon, it seemed, their luck changed. One of the older male Luxio had come across a seemingly abandoned vessel, with a sign near it saying 'Sinnoh to Kanto Ferry'. Knowing they couldn't stay in their homeland, they padded onto the marine craft and received a shock when the ferry began moving by itself. They were unaware that a small button downstairs in the main room was glowing crimson. On it was the word 'autopilot'...
So they catch a boat there. That's all fine and dandy, but that creates another hole then. See, from the beginning it is established that they were planning to go to Kanto. But surely they would have known that there was the issue of the ocean there. I'd also question how they knew about the place Kanto if they aimed to go there - and then the previous sentence I said ties in here, I suppose. Basically - if they knew about Kanto, then they probably should have known about the business of the ocean there. And them happening to find an empty ferry there for them is just a bit much, really...
Another point which I dislike is that the ship was on 'auto-pilot'. Sure, planes in the 'real world' can go on auto-pilot for insteance, but that only oges well with someone supervising it, and in the event of no storms and so forth. (I'm don't think that it works that great with the landing part either - just with keeping the plane straight and in the air mostly... =/) Factoring in the fact that this is an ocean we're talking about, and all... hmm. I'm not quite buying it. Also that the ferry had just been unguarded like that - no gate or fence to stop them getting near mentioned, and getting onto it from the more as well - a planks or 'bridge' is sometimes needed, etc... seems again to be too easy, or at least without these having come up in your thoughts when you thought of this idea. I'd suggest further thinking on this - it's still not enough by some way.
Still unsure why is it that they have to leave the entire region of Sinnoh as well, rather than just move to another area on the same landmass, really. =/
The 'he' part is fixed. FYI, Paul = Gary. Just different clothes and different name. And I have resolved the family issue.
Hmm, but then you're not respecting canon that much there, are you. Is there any point to changing Gary's name to Paul? It seems really unnecessary, and something I wouldn't recommend doing such a thing - many who treat the canon as something to respected are likely to be put off, and there is no point to it either, really. If you change his name, it's not really Gary anymore... uhh, Xanthine has some posts around somewhere on this point (last few pages in the ff loungue?), which will explain it better than me (and doesn't require me spending time trying to make sense either -_-).
Some stuff you did improve, like the character introductions, although some things in the latter part of the first chapter I'm still sceptical about...
"I suppose you're all wondering why I attacked the bird and not the cat or dog?! It's because a bird can't fly with only one limb! Be grateful that all he got was a fractured wing!" he snarled. "It could have been much worse!" From his belt, he pulled off something that looked suspiciously like a bomb.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I attacked the bird and not the cat or dog?! It's because a bird can't fly with only one limb! Be grateful that all he got was a fractured wing!" he snarled. "It could have been much worse!" From his belt, he pulled off something that looked suspiciously like a bomb.
Umm... not following Dr. McNinja's logic here, have to say. =/ Sure, a bird can't fly without a limb... but a cat or dog wouldn't be moving around much either if it got hit by a shuriken too, or had a broken limb. =/ Then there's the seemingly missing point of why he would attack it either... it's not stated anywhere, and I'm still unsure why he would do that. =/
The character reactions... well, although there are some, it's only after Oak speaks - before that, Rachel is the only one to do something, which is to check the Pokedex, rather then question why the Pokemon or ninja appeared. Think some reaction would have happened there, rather than them just reacting to what Oak said. Of course, don't put what everyone does in response to everything minor and all, but for things like ninjas jumping from the roof? Yeah, warrents some reaction there as well.
"NO!" He mentally yelled. "By rights, I should stay here. I can't let anything happen to gramps…"
The trio had fled the building and out the front door. Paul and Rachel continued on, but Josephine looked up as she began to walk along Route One, the red haired girl unaware that Professor Oak was bleeding to death. The sun was now in plain view, almost blinding from where Josephine was standing and the grass was glimmering as the dew dropped from each blade.
Although the day was just beginning, as was Josephine's Pokémon journey, the day in itself had taken a tragic turn. She had her first Pokémon, and already knew where she was to go next – Viridian City. Despite the fact that the teen would never see Professor Oak again, and while she would grieve in her own way, at the moment she had determination in her hazel coloured eyes as she continued to look at the sky. She then looked down at the orb which contained her partner and opened her Pokédex.
Still not enough. =/ Unless they are REALLY lazy, or Professor Oak had thrown rocks at their house or ran over their teddy bears at a young age or soemthing, then I'd expect that at least they'd do something about this rather than worry.
"Unaware that Prof Oak was bleeding to death" - well, maybe as she never was there, but it's pretty much obvious that he is probably going to suffer some harm, and is in danger. Then the second paragraph sounds a bit like she know this - but she can't be arsed and just wants to go on her journey already. IDK, but it's making her come off as really arrogant and rude, and also unrealistic. If she cared about Oak then - why not get help? Why not worry for her own safety, and go to the Police. Having her think about him and not do anything besides resume onto concentrating on Pokemon is not something I agree with at all - this requires more thought, frankly, and some addition/changes of events.
Another point that occurs to me - what about her Pokemon? It had been injuried by that shuriken - would that not be another concern of hers? It wouldn't be fine and dandy at all, and would need treatment for that 'fractured wing'.
The added last scene does shed some light on ninja-man, and was decently done, I will say, and helped the previous scene, although the descriptions of the two gym-leaders was again a bit on the lsity side, and quickly given - could be done more gradually again.
So again - although you have improved the other stuff touched upon, the part concerning how they transverse oceans is still very iffy and has more to correct than that, and the ninja-scene also needs more work, and especially that following scene - it can go int he next chapter, but to have a character respond to a ninja appearing and hurting her Pokemon, and having to run out because her local professor told her to out of fright by feeling kinda sorry, but not doing anything about it is far from realistic, IMHO. Take more time to pick at this scene - it does need a fair bit of thought and work, so don't rush it.
Oh, and:
That said, I find those thought-speech markers(or PokeSpeech, as I believe some call them) to be interesting. However, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but, shouldn't they only be used for spoken dialogue? For example, their last usage in the Prologue is for thoughts, not spoken dialogue. ^_^
Eh, there's no hard-and fast rule, really - there are all sorts of different ways one can go about it - down to the author. I can see it working for thoughts, although just italics for any thoughts is probably is slightly better - just have to be a bit careful with it then if multiple people and Pokemon are talking/thinking in the one scene then, really.
A/N: I think it'd be safe to keep this chapter's rating at PG 13, due to the amount of violence Zurax shows when in battle. It's mild violence atm, but Zurax becomes progressively more hardcore as the fic goes on. Another round of thanks goes to –AdvancedK9- for looking over the chapter.
Chapter 2: Josephine's First Capture
"Help! I need a doctor now! I don't know how much longer my grandfather can hold out…" Paul's older sister cried out, fretting and pacing madly around the blood-ridden office room. She had arrived back from doing business in Viridian a mere half an hour after her younger brother had left. She'd pondered on why Paul was so distraught-looking, but now she knew.
She had called the Pokémon Centre in Viridian and hastily explained the situation. Nurse Joy answered that she was on her way, along with Officer Jenny and her patrol and they would be there as soon as possible.
*****
While all of the kafuffle at Pallet was going on, Paul was preparing to train his Liquipup, whom he had nicknamed Zurax. He hadn't walked more than a few hundred meters away from the entrance of Route One when he was stopped in his path by a sound coming from a nearby bush. At first it sounded like a low rumble, but as he got closer it changed into a growl. Taking a step backwards he braced himself, whispering to Zurax. "You ready for a battle?"
Zurax answered with <I was born ready!>. Suddenly a Pokémon leapt out of the bushes and Paul did a double take at it, before laughing.
"Ra! Rat! Rattata!" The rat-like Rattata growled at Paul as it stood in his way on the path. Its short, purple and white fur was bristled up, making it appear larger than it really was, and its body was quivering as it growled at him, its fangs bared.
"Darn, I was expecting something exciting. Still, if you can actually knock it out before it runs off this time we might have a chance of defeating it!" Paul said excitedly, remembering the few Pokémon battles he and Zurax had had over the previous half an hour. Most of them had involved him and Zurax chasing after the Pokémon as it ran away from them, but now it seemed something was finally willing to fight!
"Alright! Let's do this!" He smirked, thinking to himself. "Zurax! Go at it!" He yelled, loosening his grip on him as he leapt from his trainer's side, his tiredness forgotten. He and the wild, unusually angry Rattata faced each other down and Paul could tell that Zurax was thinking just as he was at that moment. The Rattata suddenly began running towards Zurax, and the battle had begun.
"Zurax, use Bite!" Paul shouted quickly.
The aggressive Liquipup obeyed, flinging himself into the tall grass with a snarl – a loud squeak erupted and a battle could be heard amidst the dry vegetation. Paul hurried forward to see what was going on, just as the Rattata sprang out, teeth bared and screeching like a demon. There were deep gashes down its back and blood was pouring from the wounds.
Zurax bounded out after the injured Pokémon, sporting a vicious bite of kinds on his shoulder.
The pure Water type proceeded to rush after the weakening rat and sink his fangs into the rodent's neck.
"Zurax, stop! What are you doing?!" Paul half yelled, half pleaded with his starter.
Before replying, the Liquipup ensured that the pest was dead. <I killed it. What did you think I was doing?!> His arrogantly hostile tone indicated that he didn't want to be questioned anymore. <And just so you're aware, I refuse to be restrained.>
Paul winced, dreading the fact that he was unable to rein in his starter's violent tendencies. Shaking his head slowly, already admitting defeat, he failed to take notice of the male Nidoran who'd just shown up, rearing for a fight.
*****
At the same time that Paul was due to battle the soon to be captured Brute, Rachel was further up on the Route and had just caught a Normal/Flying type called Grifelkit. She had come up with a nickname for her new partner who was a female; she called her Ectria. Ectria was, at the moment, a small tawny coloured cat-like creature with tiny wings which were fused to her shoulder blades. The other oddity about her was that she had an eagle's head and neck feathers. Her youthful amber eyes gazed deeply into Rachel's azure ones as she realized that her mistress had let her out of the sphere.
Rachel fished her Pokédex out of her pocket and, aiming the device at Ectria, pressed the scan button. "Grifelkit, the Griffin Kitten – a Pokémon of the Normal and Flying types. Grifelkit are unable to fly because their wings are too small. Because of their tawny skin, they can hide quite easily in dead grass."
The lavender-haired girl thought back to how she had come across Ectria. She had stumbled upon a trail of Pidgey skeletons on Route One, and she realized that there must be a carnivorous Pokémon somewhere on the path to Viridian City. So, readying herself for any possibilities, she roamed through the thick, tall grass. Only to come across, a few minutes later, what looked like a weird, yet absolutely adorable-looking Pokémon that seemed to be a combination of an avian and a feline. She had battled it with Kyga and captured it easily.
<Mistress?> the Firkit growled in a stuck-up tone. <Can we leave yet?>
"Yes, Kyga," the girl answered, looking exhausted already. It was as if Kyga's superior attitude was draining her trainer's energy but, deep down, Rachel knew it was because she had stayed up late last night talking online.
"Well, 'spose we better get going," she thought, as her impatience took hold. With that, the lavender haired girl motioned for her two partners to follow her as she continued on down the grassy path towards Viridian City.
*****
Charles turned around so that he faced Fiona. "Let us hope that she does not make the same mistakes as her brother," he stated, trying to keep his voice from shaking.
Fiona placed a hand on her husband's shoulder. Rowan had been a trainer before his younger sister had and, unfortunately for him, had become involved with evil people. He hadn't been heard from since. She wanted to believe that Josephine would not get mixed up in that sort of stuff, but couldn't be sure.
"How long has big brother been gone now, mummy?" Natalie asked in a high-pitched voice, as she ran into the room. The nearly ten year old red haired Nat – as Josephine called her – was the youngest Harris and often wore a purple short-sleeved polo shirt and a red skirt. Being only nine, she was too young to receive a starter Pokémon at the moment, but would be able to start her journey soon.
"Too long," Charles cut in.
"We last heard from Rowan when he was fourteen. That was exactly three years ago," Fiona answered.
*****
A young man dressed in a red skin-tight business shirt, with blue denim trousers covering his bottom half, lay on an expensive bone coloured sofa as his tormented mind wandered over one of the events that had happened to him in the last three years. His long red hair was done up in a ponytail and his hazel coloured eyes shone with a sadness that his sister hadn't seen before, and hopefully never would.
With Giovanni Walker well and truly out of the picture, due to his permanent retirement, it was only natural for the Team Rocket Admins to go looking for a replacement leader.
However, it seemed as though the organization's prisoners knew of what had occurred and thus caused a riot. The prisoner who was leading the riot soon got hauled before Team Rocket Admin Ross and was ordered to explain himself.
"My name's Rowan Harris," was all the prisoner said. Rowan had been deceived by a Team Rocket grunt, who then took him prisoner.
Having studied Rowan's Pokémon extensively, it wasn't long before the Rocket Admins unanimously voted for him to be their new leader. Some, who weren't aware of Giovanni's exit, questioned why Team Rocket allowed a prisoner – and a former trainer at that – to become their new leader. It was now, more than ever before, that Team Rocket wanted to dominate Kanto.
*****
All at exactly the same time, the trio's Pokédexes gave a beep-beep as light on their sides lit up as the third screen on the flip out section flashed to display a letter shaped symbol with a "1" next to it.
They all pressed the message icon on the bottom screen to access the Pokédex's built in messaging system. The subject line of the new message read "A Sad Day in Pokémon History! Professor Oak of Pallet Town, who was assaulted by unknown Team Rocket mercenaries, has died on the floor of his laboratory's office! Please pay your respects by remaining quiet for one minute."
Rachel checked who the message was from and was surprised to learn the message's sender was Nurse Joy from Viridian. "How did Nurse Joy get to Pallet so fast…? And, more importantly, those unknown mercenaries – whoever they are – will pay!"
*****
As Josephine continued walking down the path to Viridian City, the morning air was warming up and a flock of Pidgey were still twittering the dawn chorus in their reasonably melodic way. Half an hour later, after disappearing into the tall grass of Route One because she was getting more and more irritated at not being able to find any Pokémon, the red haired teen decided to stop and rest.
Her impatience got the better of her and she swore. "This just ****ing sucks! Why haven't I found anything yet?!" Josephine muttered out loud, as she shook her head angrily. "Where are they…?" she added, as she reached into her port for the book her mother had most likely placed there. Just as she arrived at the part on Pokémon capturing, the Pokédex that she'd received from Professor Oak switched itself on and repeated one particular line from the book.
"To capture a Pokémon, use a Pokémon," the red device reprimanded before turning itself off. Gasping in surprise, Josephine gently closed the book and returned it to her port.
"That definitely makes sense. Perhaps Lezro can help me find what I want," the teen murmured, at the same time proceeding to enlarge her starter's Pokéball. Throwing it lightly into the air, Josephine called, "I need your help, Lerrow!"
The orb burst open in mid-air, driving out a beam of white light from within. The light then unhurriedly alighted on terra firma to materialize into Josephine's first ever Pokémon.
<Mistress Josephine, I'm at your service. Let me hasten to remind you that I currently have a fractured wing,> Lezro spoke in a laid-back, relaxed manner. The Lerrow gazed around at his surroundings, not troubled by anything it seemed.
"Can you find some wild Pokémon for me?" Josephine asked politely, though her eyes betrayed her anxiety.
<I'm not a sniffer dog, I will not degrade myself by doing something that is meant for them,> Lezro answered, showing his slight irritation by chirping persistently. <However, if my mistress wishes it, I will become airborne and shall search for you that way.>
"I do wish it. And thanks Lezro," the teen called out, as her partner took to the sky in a small amount of agony.
The red haired girl laughed softly as she looked around in vain for any Pokémon to capture; completely unaware that most of them had gone into hiding.
<Mistress Josephine? I found a Pokémon,> Lezro had returned, it seemed, without her even noticing. The fact that he had news of at least one Pokémon existing on this Route made her happy.
"Really, Lezro? Where? Can you lead me to it?"
<Follow me, mistress. It was hiding.>
Josephine followed Lezro into a small sand covered clearing, where it seemed grass just would not grow here. There was a rather large hole in the middle of the clearing; Josephine recognized it as being a den dug by one of the many Ground types who resided in Kanto. "Urgh… I so hate getting myself dirty," the teen thought, but knew that if she wanted to capture, let alone even get a look at the Pokémon inside the hole, she would have to get dirty.
With that, Josephine got down on all fours and peered into the hole, only to see a pair of what she thought were brown eyes staring back at her. She reached into the hole with one hand and gently brought out a small yellow and white shrew, who was visibly trembling. The Ground type actually had black eyes, a short inwards curving tail and stubby, pointed ears. He turned away from Josephine and Lerrow with a distressed expression on his face and squirmed, trying to release himself from the trainer's grip.
"That's a Sandshrew!" Josephine spoke softly while referring to her Pokédex. "According to the Pokédex, they're not even supposed to be on Route One." She flicked the device closed and placed the anguished Sandshrew on the ground, before turning to her Pokémon with a firm expression on her enthusiastic face. "We can't just leave it here. We should try and capture it and take it to the Pokémon Centre in Viridian City for a health check."
The Sandshrew heard Josephine. Glaring at Lerrow indifferently as if to say <You aren't worth my time.>, he nevertheless straightened his posture and held up his claws, before lunging claws first at Lezro.
"That's a Scratch attack," the red haired girl thought. "Lerrow, dodge and then use Gust!" She instructed.
Lezro furiously flapped his wings, gaining height and managing to avoid the emotion-spurred attack. Beating his winged limbs again, a couple of sharp bursts of wind were sent in Sandshrew's direction. Shrugging off the wind, as if it hadn't of struck him at all, the clearly troubled shrew charged forward once more. It was at this moment that Josephine realized that it was more than just emotion that had goaded the Ground type into action. She knew that he would fight to the death to uphold more than just his honour.
<My evolutions and I are kings of the sky! You? You're just a dumb…> Lezro's speech was once again out of character for the laid-back, pure-bred Beklan-ite Pokémon. The Leaf Sparrow's speech had fulfilled its intended purpose, however. His anger rising, the emotional Sandshrew leaped up and pulled the Grass/Flying type out of the air.
"Jeez, that's gotta hurt," Josephine shook her head slightly and winced at the sight of her Pokémon crashing into the ground.
<… rat.> Lezro said, winded, before recovering enough to rise to his clawed feet. Sandshrew had survived the 'crash landing' as he had curled up into a ball before impact. Uncurling himself, he marched over to where Lerrow was and thrust a clawed paw at the Leaf Sparrow's throat, who froze at the action.
Relatively uncommunicative as he was, his lone sentence that day would be what stood out in the bird's mind for many a day to come. <Don't… insult… shrews.> Sandshrew's breathing was laboured and raspy, as if just saying those three words hurt that badly.
"Oh-kay, I think it's time I kicked it up a notch," Josephine believed it was time to rack up a capture and be on her way to Viridian. "Though he doesn't know it doesn't mean he still can't use it…" she added, referring to the Flying type move known as Peck.
"Alright, Lezro! Let's go! Use Peck multiple times!" the fourteen year old girl yelled, before Sandshrew could muster up a counter-attack.
<As you wish, my mistress,> the Leaf Sparrow replied nonchalantly. Diving at the yellow and white coloured Ground type, Lezro's yellow beak struck scaly skin several times in succession, before the small bird retreated.
<You'll pay for that,> the shrew vowed mentally, as blood slowly trickled from the wounds. One paw defiantly wiped away a tiny amount of blood and he still looked strong, despite the slight blood loss.
"Bugger, what now?" the red haired trainer thought, panicking slightly. "That Sandshrew is still going strong, he's not slowing down at all! I suppose I could make use of the Peck/Gust combination, but still…"
"Lezro! Here's what we're gonna do! Fly up and get some altitude so you can use Peck, and then follow it up with a Gust attack! Ya got that?" Josephine yelled out.
<The command is understood,> came the blasé reply.
Once more, the Leaf Sparrow flew upwards; he then dove down and assailed the shrew with another round of multiple beak strikes. Then, in his current position, he bravely beat his wings and a small, yet strong gust of wind whacked the Ground type in the face. This appeared to have drained the last of Sandshrew's energy, as he collapsed in a heap, his laboured breathing more pronounced.
"Excellent work, Lezro!" Josephine exclaimed, picking a red and white orb off her Pokébelt. "Now!" she thought, and threw the enlarged sphere at the exhausted Pokémon, yelling "Go, Pokéball!"
The Pokéball hit the shrew and enveloped him in a red light. Josephine scrutinized the happenings of the sphere, which was currently twitching from side to side as the centre button emitted a series of red flashes. A few uptight seconds later, though, it became still as a 'ding' went off, indicating a successful capture.
"YEAH! WE CAUGHT SANDSHREW!" Josephine cheered, reaching for her newest Pokémon's containment device and smiling widely.
Almost instantly, the Pokédex switched itself on and recorded Sandshrew's information. "Sandshrew, the Mouse Pokémon – a Pokémon of the Ground type. To protect itself from attackers, Sandshrew curls up into a ball. They live in arid regions with minimal rainfall."
<What the?> Lezro asked, just as Josephine face faulted.
"SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE!" the teen screamed in annoyance. "Why the hell didn't my Pokédex tell me that before I tried to catch Sandshrew?!"
Just as Josephine was about to put Sandshrew's Pokéball back on her Pokébelt, she hesitated, remembering something Professor Oak had told her four years ago.
~Flashback~
Pallet Town's Pokémon Trainer Academy, four years ago…
"Josephine, I have a bit of advice for you."
Josephine watched as he produced five Pokéballs from a case.
"What you do is you fix them to your belt. A good trick, Josephine, is to make sure you know the order of the Pokémon in your belt. That way you won't make the mistake of trying to throw a Pokéball in a battle and calling the wrong Pokémon." He laughed slightly. "Trust me; it causes a great deal of embarrassment."
"Thank you for the advice, Professor," she murmured. "I won't ever forget that."
"Be sure that you don't, Josephine."
~End Flashback~
As Josephine continued on down the path towards Viridian, neither she nor Lezro noticed the motionless, bloodied bodies of two Sandslash. In an exceptionally thick patch of Route One's tall grass, a hulking figure with a scorpion-like tail watched their departure.
<She could be trouble,> he thought. <I'd better warn Lord R…>
*****
A young male Houndoom stood obediently inside the Saffron City Gym. Lex was a sleek and graceful beast. His legs were slender and lithe, and a long, whip-like black tail thrashed behind him. Curved, devilish horns slid back from his head, and his tapering muzzle lifted eagerly to scent the air. Upon seeing the target, he growled at a human standing behind him. <She's here. Is Magepup ready?>
A tall but thin figure sporting long brown hair came forward. Wearing orange pants and a black tank top with two orange octagons imprinted on it, he had a concerned look on his face. Resting in his arms was a small, white dog, being cradled, whimpering pitifully, with her small, thin tail curled beneath her body. Her white fur was thick, while on each of her tiny legs were four black stripes. Her fluffy, furry ears drooped slightly, and her once bright sky-blue eyes reflected her sadness.
"It's okay little one," the man attempted to calm the pup down. Shaking his head, he looked at the Houndoom. "It's no use, Lex. She won't stop trembling."
<Put her down then, Kevin,> the Dark and Fire type Pokémon replied. As Kevin placed the frightened pup on the ground, Lex gently nosed her and tilted his head to one side questioningly.
The pup instinctively understood what the Houndoom was asking her, and replied with a small, sob-filled growl.
That was all it took for Lex to immediately understand what the problem was, and so he reported back to Kevin. <She's trembling like this because she's lost her parents. They were killed by the legendary Dogs.>
Hearing rustling noises that suspiciously sounded like footsteps, Lex and Kevin waited in plain view of the Gym Leader. The teen breathed in sharply when she saw them and asked them who they were. Kevin replied with honesty. "I'm the Leader of a group of rebels who fought against evil and tyranny."
He gently took the pup from Lex's side and showed it to the teen. "My Houndoom and I found this pup lying beside the motionless bodies of two Cerberus-sized dogs. Please take her and train her to her full potential." Kevin then drew a breath in sharply, waiting for the teenage Gym Leader to reply and, at the same time, not knowing what her response would be.
"Why are you handing me this Pokémon? It doesn't look as though it's native to Kanto," Sabrina questioned conceitedly.
"… Ah, Lex discovered that she's from a region, that's relatively unknown to humans, called Beklan. I thought she would recover and mature quickly in your care," Kevin answered haltingly.
"I hope you are… ready, my friend, for a new psychic companion." There was an extended silence as Sabrina spoke psychically to her Kadabra.
<I'm ready, all right,> a mysterious voice came from within the red and white orb. <The time for vengeance… is now.>
"Too true. Those Rocket scum will pay for what they did to my mother. Very well; since both you and I accept this new Pokémon, I shall inform him of our decision."
"Kadabra has accepted her and so do I," Sabrina stated.
Sabrina, deep down, was a really distant and detached sort of person. Even towards her family and friends, she acted in a cold manner. But she had agreed to take care of Magepup, so she pulled a Pokéball off her Pokébelt and gently touched the scared creature with it. The sphere opened at the middle; a red light came from it, turned her into energy and drew her back into the ball, finally closing with a small snapping noise.
"I'll call her Voya," Sabrina murmured quietly.
*****
An hour later, Josephine was thankfully nearing Viridian City – her already-meagre supplies were running low. She sighed when she saw the city and its lights. She decided to spend the night at the Pokémon Centre and buy her supplies in the morning. The red haired teen caught a glimpse of a building with a crimson roof and quickly ducked inside. She stood inside, pausing to catch her breath.
A nurse behind the counter spoke up. She had pink hair and wore a white nurses' uniform with pink lacing. "This is the Viridian City Pokémon Centre. How may I help you?"
Walking hurriedly over to the desk, Josephine handed the two occupied spheres to the pink-haired woman who was Nurse Joy. "I'm Josephine Harris and I'm a beginning Pokémon trainer. Could you please examine my Pokémon? My Sandshrew needs some extra care," she explained, and Joy nodded, before taking the two orbs out to the back room.
Waiting for her Pokémon to finish healing, the red haired teen started thinking about her chance encounter with the distant Sandshrew, and why he was loitering on Route One. "Sandshrew are normally found on Route Four. Unless his family moved to Route One, why would he have been there?" Feeling a headache coming on due to the stress she was currently putting herself through, she downed a Panadol with some mouthfuls of water and murmured, "I need to get some fresh air. Then I'll go upstairs and get some sleep."
Josephine stepped outside of the Centre for a few moments and paused, breathing in the fresh moisture-laden air, which indicated a storm was on the way. Finally, after having stayed outside for a few minutes, Josephine re-entered the Pokémon Centre. Nurse Joy then spoke up in her trademark soft voice. "Your Pokémon are ready, Josephine."
"Thanks," the red haired teen answered, taking her Pokéballs and attaching them to her Pokébelt.
Yawning, Josephine turned to Nurse Joy and asked if there were any spare rooms available. Upon receiving an affirmative response, she struggled upstairs to room B625, unlocked the door and merely crawled into the bed, falling asleep almost straight away.
The sun was rising, and all was calm in the land of Sinnoh. The sky was clear, the air was fresh, and there wasn't a worry in the world for the pride of Luxray, Luxio, and Shinx, who were still sleeping under the canopy of the forest, ready to open their eyes to a new day.
It's an excellent beginning. It's very descriptive, and it draws the reader in by opening with strong visualization. The only qualm I have is that I feel like you could drop the comma right after "Shinx." It feels like the phrases after that word end up being jerky because you keep starting and stopping with commas.
I feel as if you can do completely without "for" in this sentence. Although you're creating a "because" statement here, it's rather a given that whatever happens in this sentence is the result of whatever happened in the sentence before it.
And now the son had stepped up to avenge the father…
Opt for a period here, not an ellipsis. This sentence would be a lot stronger if you didn't trail off, and you'll want a strong sentence to convey the drama you're creating here.
He was five kilometres away, his mane ruffling in the breeze, and his tail swishing restlessly back and forth. Instantly he was a blue blur,
You keep making a lot of comma oddities, including the fact that the last comma in the first sentence above shouldn't be there (because this is neither a compound sentence nor a list of three or more items) and the fact that you're missing a comma before the introduction word ("instantly") in the second.
For the sake of simplicity (because I really don't feel like pointing out comma errors because they're always a bugger to talk about), let me just link you to one of my favorite comma guides and assume you can figure things out from there.
I'm also inclined to agree with bobandbill about five kilometers. If only because five kilometers is a really effing long distance. I mean, seriously? On foot? One kilometer is, what? Half a mile? So, you're looking at nearly three miles, right? That's quite a distance away, particularly for someone very young.
racing straight for Ragnar, low to the ground, fangs bared and ready.
Beware of misplaced modifiers. Right now, what you're saying is that Ragnar's low to the ground with his fangs bared an ready. If that's what you meant, then it's just a bit awkwardly worded because it still has a level of ambiguity attached to it. If that's not what you meant, then, yeah, you'll want to do some sentence rearranging (and possibly creating) in order to clarify what you're trying to say here.
He twisted his head, attempting to sink his teeth into his opponent's neck...
Again, never ever end a sentence in the narration with an ellipsis unless you're trailing off. It creates weak narration, which is not what you want for a dynamic scene like a battle. Pretentious story short, you're looking for definite endings with periods simply because your action sounds weak if you use an ellipsis.
One of Shinx's brothers had wandered too close to a human community, and had been captured by one called a Pokémon trainer.
I will offer the period test when it comes to commas, however. Whenever you insert a comma, try to add a period instead to see if both halves of the sentence can stand on their own and make sense. If the answer is "yes, they're full sentences," you've got a compound, so it'd need a comma. If not, then you don't.
In this case, you don't because this is not a full sentence: Had been captured by one called a Pokémon trainer.
They knew if they cried for him aloud that it would only cause their mother to misinterpret the cries of sorrow for those of hunger.
My main problems with this line are that it's rather thoughtful of young Shinx to not want to disturb their mothers and that it's equally thoughtful of the mothers to automatically assume they want fed. While the latter (the part about the mothers) could be instinct, you're making the young Shinx seem very humanlike with the former. So, it just ends up coming off as a near-problem: one of those times where you almost present a problem (someone noticing their pride thanks to the cries) or interaction (the older members of the pride coming to console them) but just don't.
That afternoon, it seemed, their luck changed. One of the older male Luxio had come across a seemingly abandoned vessel, with a sign near it saying 'Sinnoh to Kanto Ferry'. Knowing they couldn't stay in their homeland, they padded onto the marine craft and received a shock when the ferry began moving by itself. They were unaware that a small button downstairs in the main room was glowing crimson. On it was the word 'autopilot'...
Um… Yeah, you may want to consider stopping and revising the prologue at this point. I'd hate to be overly blunt, but they just happened across an empty ferry. No one happened to be on it. There just happened to be an autopilot feature that just happened to activate only when the entire pride was onboard.
Sorry, but it's just too ridiculously convenient to be taken seriously. It's like you had this hole in a boat, and you tried to patch it with chewing gum. The rest of the boat is decently made, but that piece of chewing gum was just a half-hearted effort to repair a problem. Same thing here. You obviously put effort into the rest of the prologue, and then all of a sudden, you have this, which you most likely threw into the story without much of a second thought.
Rather than trying that (and risking leaving the audience unable to take your story seriously from that point onward), try to think of other ways to handle the problem. Is it necessary to take them completely out of Kanto by a journey? What if humans (poachers or otherwise) got them and shipped them across the sea? And is it necessary for the entire pride to be in Kanto? It's much easier to have just a handful of members to make a journey as stowaways on an actual ferry than an entire group of animals.
Point is, stretch your mind. Don't just slap on a solution without trying to revise the rest of the work. It shows.
But they all knew that they had to focus on those of the pride who were still with them; those whose lives depended on each other, and who would stay by their sides until death.
Semicolons are used to join together two closely related sentences into a compound that would otherwise require a comma and the conjunction "and." Long story short, this is not one of those cases where you use a semicolon.
For a detailed description of what a semicolon is used for, try this. (Also note that the second half of this sentence is not complete on its own; therefore, this isn't a compound.)
The days and nights passed so routinely that Shinx had ceased to count them. And still, the pride plodded on, still days away from the land which they hoped they would able to call their new home.
It's a bit unusual that they haven't really faced any other dangers. It's been days since they started on their journey, and from what was said at the very end of the battle, it's implied that the other Pokémon would know that they've been banished. (Otherwise, who would care that they're still around but in another corner of Sinnoh?) So, they've encountered no one to taunt them? To fight them with the assumption that they're trying to stay in Sinnoh? To generally give them trouble now that they're hated exiles?
Also, how do they know what is and isn't Sinnoh? Keep in mind that political boundaries are completely human ideas. It would take a natural barrier (completely different climate, land formations, et cetera) for an animal to assume that there's a difference between one place and another. Animals just have different definitions of places, just like different cultures have different ways of seeing the same thing (if that makes sense).
At this point, it would be worth it to note that it's rather confusing to have a Shinx named simply Shinx. While it's fairly creative (given the nature of Pokémon fics and the penchant of everyone and their mothers to nickname Pokémon in them), it's sometimes difficult to tell if you mean one Shinx or many of them. (I had to read this sentence twice, for example, before realizing you actually just meant one.) What makes this stranger is the fact that you've named the pride leader, his mate, and his opponent, which implies so far that the Pokémon are capable of giving themselves names or at least naming each other. So, to have a Shinx named Shinx seems to contradict what you're doing while providing some odd brainwork for the reader.
Yes, I realize you repaired this in the edit – this part of the review was done before then – but I would like to point out that it has pretty much the same quality as your earlier patchwork. She was called Shinx up until this point, and all of a sudden, you hit the reader in the face with, "Oh, by the way, she's not going to be called Shinx anymore." If you want to fix a fic, don't just do patches and think you're done with it. Actually read over your work and see if what you're doing fits. If it doesn't, make more massive changes. A story just shouldn't be the kind of thing where you can change one detail and have the rest be okay. That detail, if worked into the story properly, should influence other parts of the story. Hence why you can't just spend a paragraph or a sentence trying to change something unless you've made sure you don't have to change another paragraph.
Also, how large is this pride? O_o It seems odd that the Shinx wouldn't know her well, given the fact that a group of wild animals tends to be like its family. (I suppose there's extended relatives you don't know too well, either, but if you spend all your life hanging around them, you tend to pick up something.)
She was lying on the ground as she had been since Shinx first saw her, even though she was not asleep.
This seems redundant. The reason why is because you say it essentially twice. In the first line, you say she's lying on the ground, not asleep. It's the same situation as she was when Shinx first found her. However, the second line says it again: she's lying on the ground, not asleep. Yes, you meant she wasn't asleep before that point and now, but you pretty much say it in both lines. It doesn't really heighten drama, unfortunately. It just makes things awkward because it feels like we're reading the same thing over and over again (which, technically, we are).
So now, thanks to her, Ragnar had yet another problem on his shoulders.
I'd suggest adding another paragraph after this line. You're going into a bit of dialogue (even if it is thought), so trying to wedge that into the middle of a paragraph of otherwise pure narration tends to be a bit awkward.
Pausing for an overall review of the prologue. Now, the narration starts off okay. You have a handle on details and visualization, at least. However, you really need to take particular care in what you're doing. Read over your work. There's a lot of oddities and awkward sentences here and there, some of which can be worked out if you just took your time and tried to be a bit more careful. Read your work aloud to see if it sounds right to your ears, rather than your eyes.
Also, work on your comma usages. There's a lot of places where you used commas that aren't actually necessary, and what that does is actually give your narration a choppy feel. (Commas represent a short pause. The more you have in odd places, the less smooth your narration will be, if that makes sense.)
That said, I'm going to assume we're good on the general points I've made so far. So, I won't bring them up unless they're significant in my review of the next chapters.
Incidentally, I literally hit the character limit trying to review all three chapters at once. This isn't necessarily a bad thing; I just have a lot to say. The rest is in the next post.
Reasons Why Proper Punctuation Is Important #9001:
This could mean one of two things. Either the red-colored building is made of brick, or the building is of the shade of red associated with bricks. For the first, you need a comma between the adjectives. For the second, because it's serving as one adjective, you need a hyphen.
Either way, yes, these are two different images.
I'm also a bit uncomfortable with how many adjectives are used for this noun. While it's okay to be descriptive, sometimes, you'll want to split up your description, rather than just try to cram it into one phrase. The reason why is because the more adjectives you have, the more you're stalling for the actual noun. As in, it feels like you've stopped the narration entirely just to describe a simple object.
So, yes, you may want to try splitting it up. Rather than say it's all that, maybe say something like, "The sun played across its red, brick façade. A beam shone through a window in its second story."
As for city-style, well, that really tends to be vague because even in cities, there's a variety of different types of buildings. It depends on the era.
Again, when you have a phrase serve as one adjective, you generally want to hyphenate it. For example, you're not saying she's fourteen years old (all separate words). You're saying she's a fourteen-year-old. It's like saying she's a teen. Same thing; one word.
While I understand what you're trying to do and thank you for not attempting to give us exact heights, you may want to rethink the way you say it. The phrase "medium-sized" calls up images of cups at a fast-food restaurant or sweaters in a store. It doesn't call up the image of someone of average height and/or build.
She has a tendency to think things out more carefully than her Pewter City born friend, Rachel Savina.
Stating a personality quality, rather than actually showing us an example? Bad author.
Seriously, it's great that she thinks things out more carefully, but to the reader, that doesn't mean anything. It's not until we can see Rachel and Josephine in action that we can tell what they're like. Never simply tell the reader a character's personality traits. Have those traits be shown through their actions or the opinions of others. It creates a more concrete image of the character, and it lets the reader make his own conclusions about what he's reading.
Minimum legal age. If it was required, Josephine would have been forced to go at the age of ten.
studying about the different types of Pokémon (even Pokémon from other uncharted regions) and learning more which would, in the end, help her a lot in her upcoming journey.
I've started to feel unsettled by this explanation as to why a trainer starts out late for two reasons:
1. It's cliché. Seriously, it's one of the most common reasons for why a trainer starts out late aside from the one where the minimum age itself was raised and the one where the author/a character simply thinks a ten-year-old can't take care of himself.
He puffed out his chest importantly. "Well," he began, "I've been studying."
"Studying what?"
He looked surprised. "Pokemon, of course."
"But your torchic is low level, you can't have had it long."
"Well, of course," he said. "I only got it when I started my journey."
The girl stared at him, boggling. Had she misheard? "But," she said slowly, "you said you were studying pokemon. If you didn't have one, how exactly…what were you doing?"
"Studying strategy and other important things," he said pompously. "Things you children know nothing about."
The girl's ire was raised. "So you have absolutely no experience with pokemon?"
"Yeah, so?"
"So you're a baseball player who's never held a bat, that's what."
Point is, look at it this way. The minimum age is ten. You've established this already. That means other trainers in the world would have had one year of experience (actual field work, something one probably can't get in a class) by the time Josephine is eleven. By the time she's twelve, they'd have learned from just doing things in two years what she's yet to actually do. By the time she's thirteen, they would have been on the road for three years, so they would know more about their own professions than she would because they've been at it for longer than she has. I think you can figure out what would happen by the age of fourteen.
Long story short, staying back and studying Pokémon won't give her an advantage. In fact, it should give her a disadvantage because she's on the skill level of ten-year-olds while the people her age have stronger Pokémon and a ton of road-gained experience under their belts. There's two ways to see this as a result. First, Josephine might be embarrassed that the only people she can battle are people four years younger than her because most other kids would start out at ten – meaning, those are the only people she's on even footing with. Second, Josephine might be seen as an older kid beating up a younger kid, which doesn't favor her image.
Either way, there's a lot more of a challenge to writing a character who's older because she voluntarily stayed behind, particularly if the minimum age is still ten. While it says something about the character herself, authors tend to completely ignore the age divide and assume that older characters would just be hunky-dory. Sure, no one has a problem with a ten-year-old trouncing them in-game, but then again, all of those in-game characters are two-dimensional. Fourteen-year-old girls tend to be self-conscious. It's probably going to crop up.
Not to mention there's things in life that you just have to learn by doing. Perhaps that's an oversight Josephine herself is making. I'm just saying that's something that's often overlooked by authors as well. (So, the studying ends up becoming an advantage, rather than something else they can play with.)
Three walls of her room were made of brick – which had been painted a light green colour – and were completely devoid of anything, with the exception of a wooden framed unicorn picture on the wall opposite her bed and a painting of a girl feeding some ducks in the country on the right-hand side wall. On the third were posters of her favourite Pokémon.
…So, in other words, the walls weren't completely devoid of anything.
(Point is, the initial description tends to read awkwardly, partly because you're cramming so much information into them – which can be remedied if you put the descriptions of the paintings in their own sentences, given that you're describing the posters separately as well – and partly because you end up contradicting part of it anyway.)
She disliked it when her mother used her full name…
There's really no reason why you should use an ellipsis instead of a period in this sentence. (Again, problems of weak versus strong narration, as I've mentioned in the prologue.)
her en suite of which had been built in as a separate room.
I should hope it's a separate room. It would be heavily awkward to have a toilet in the same room you use to sleep. There's rooms like that. They're called "jail cells."
Seriously, again, be very careful about your writing. Don't say more than you have to because if you try to put in another phrase, chances are, you're going to create something heavily awkward.
And on that note, yes, en suites are usually built as connected bathrooms, but that doesn't mean they don't have things like doors or that one that isn't a connected bathroom has all of the necessities in the same room as the bedroom.
If hair is still drying, that usually implies that it's wet.
She had been born with black hair, which had gradually lightened to brown, but she had coloured it red when she turned ten and had kept it like that ever since.
Is it necessary to know this? O_o I mean, whether or not a character dyes his or her hair really doesn't cross our minds unless it's meant to say something about the nature of the character. Otherwise, we just say, "Oh. They have red hair. Okay." And be done with it after that.
Let me put it another way. Basically, Poe said that every word of a short story is meant to go into the meaning of the story itself. The same applies to any other work of fiction. If you mention a gun on a mantle, the reader is going to assume someone or something's going to get shot eventually. If nothing ever does, then most likely, the author shouldn't mention it or shouldn't be spending too much time on it.
Right now, you're mentioning that Josephine is admiring the new carpet. What that means is that the main character is paying particular attention to it (Because, hey, why would she care about carpets when it's the day she starts her journey?), which means that the reader assumes that carpet's going to be important sometime soon.
"Of course! My Pokémon, Pokédex and Pokéballs… how could I forget…?" Josephine mentally slapped herself for forgetting such a simple thing.
Again, it's a good idea to separate dialogue like this into its own paragraph for the sake of the reader. It's easier to discern when someone's speaking, and either way, it's simply good form because, technically, when you begin dialogue, you're going into a new topic (what the character is saying, as opposed to what they're doing).
Also, usually, thoughts are not punctuated with quotation marks. The reason why is because the reader automatically assumes that what's within the quotation marks is being spoken aloud.
The laboratory's foundations were on top of a hill
Erm, why would the aide talk about secret paperwork in front of someone who's not supposed to know about said paperwork? Not to mention why would he call it secret? He'd probably simply say "the X paperwork" or "the paperwork about X," where X is whatever the papers cover. After all, if he doesn't notice that he's talking about this in front of people he shouldn't be talking about it in front of, he probably won't bother to cover up what the papers are about with words like "secret."
As Rachel righted herself from a handstand which she'd been doing against the wall, Paul got up off the lone chair and both teens walked towards the newcomers.
Same problem here as what occurred when you tried to call Josephine "medium-sized." "Reasonable" is a vague term.
Also, I'm a bit inclined to agree with bobandbill here. It's odd that Oak randomly has another grandson who isn't brought up in any form of canon.
He wore a black shirt, baggy purple pants and on each of his wrists was a purple sweatband. He lives with his older sister, Daisy, and his grandfather, the Professor.
I'd hate to say it, but recycling characters and putting different names on them won't help a reader take your fic seriously. It just sounds lazy because it feels like you weren't able to come up with a new rival (even though you can clearly create new characters, given the fact that Josephine is not a rehash of Leaf). Remember that every character, even if canon makes them seem flat and without personality, has their own distinct persona. Gary Oak, as he's seen in the anime at least, has a personality that separates him from any other character and prevents him from being Yet Another Random Face. Even Blue (the game character) seems to have an inkling of a personality. Don't just assume that the character – appearance or otherwise – is just a shell into which you can pour your own OC. Be creative and come up with someone new and distinct. Otherwise, we'll assume you're talking about the canon character, which means you'd end up risking being OOC.
Long story short, Oak has a grandson named Gary (anime, certain comics) or Blue (game, other comics). This character is a distinct person with his own personality. Please don't just take him and change his name (and possibly personality) to suit your own story's needs. If you want a rival named Paul, just create a completely new character. If you want to use Oak's grandson, you might as well do some research and just use Gary or Blue.
This seems rather random. O_o As in, basically, you just got done talking about her appearance, and all of a sudden, you talk about how she was raised. There's no context here, nothing in the previous sentences that would hint that she's spoiled. You'll want to avoid that because to read that is a lot like walking around a corner and then suddenly slamming into a brick wall. It's abrupt, and it leaves us confused.
Another random side note: When Blue says essentially the same thing in the games, Oak doesn't snap at him. Rather, he tells him to be patient in a calm manner. Thing is, Oak isn't one to snap out orders in any form of canon. He's just not that strict. At most, he's a laid-back kind of character, someone who knows patience is a virtue but won't outright reprimand the people who violate that rule.
Is it necessary for the main character to have hawk-like vision? I mean, if she just glanced, she might spot it, but it's probably not necessary to say she does it with a special ability. That implies you're heading down the Sue path because you randomly give her special abilities simply for the sake of benefiting her at any given point in the story.
was the image of a leaf imprinted on it; on the middle orb the image of a flame; and on the left sphere a water droplet.
She saw a leaf, a water droplet, and a flame. Given the fact that every region has a Grass, Water, and Fire-type starter, this really shouldn't be a signal that the Pokémon aren't foreign unless this implies a severe limitation on her studies.
As a note, I'm also a bit wary about the idea of using fan-created Pokémon in a canon region, even if you did give an in-fic explanation as to why they're there. The reason why is simple: because they feel like they're thrown in for no apparent reason. As in, this isn't a new region. This isn't an old region with new Pokémon. All this is is a fic in which only three (or, at most, nine) Pokémon from a fancreated region are shown.
So, again, we go back to the Chekhov's gun argument. If the pistol is shown on the mantle in act one, it had better be fired by act three. Right now, you mention this new region. Given the title of this fic, it's safe to assume we're only going to be seeing Kanto. So, it doesn't really make too much sense to mention another region or the Pokémon native to it if we're not actually going to see it or get too much beyond a few scraps of information here and there on it. It just feels random and unnecessary, especially given the fact that you've already got three perfectly good canon starters.
If you wanted unconventional starters, that's one thing. However, there's plenty of Water, Fire, and Grass-types already in this region to choose from, and if you didn't want those, you have others. Don't just bring in fan-created Pokémon from a completely different region and then don't do anything with the region itself. Doing that just feels like you're not actually giving as full an explanation as you possibly can. It leaves the concept of having those in the fic feel weak and incomplete.
His tiny body had a hood of darker green leafy feathers on his head, with a small lime green 'v' marking on his chest. His wing and tail feathers were similarly coloured to his head.
As bobandbill noted, be very careful about repeating the same word at the beginning of sentences. Even doing it twice in a row tends to sport negative effects in that it produces a redundant, dry feeling. As in, it feels like we're reading essentially the same kind of thing over and over again. It's good for suspense but bad for everything else.
Also, uh, so, basically, Josephine had no opportunity to actually choose her Pokémon?
with a lot of black spots dotted on her fur, a small white patch of fur at the tip of her tail and a sweet, innocent expression was seen on her face.
Notice how all of these items except the last one don't actually have verbs? As in, even "dotted" is more of a placement word than an actual verb. So, instead, try "and a sweet, innocent expression on her face." That's all you really need to make the entire list conform (to avoid any odd rifts in narration).
As a side note, I'd also like to point out the fact that starters usually have conventions in canon. All Fire-types (even Cyndaquil) are bi-pedal in their basic stages, for example. Likewise, all Water-types are usually associated with swimming or water. (Dogs can swim, but when you think of a dog, you usually imagine one running around on land. Also, this classification includes Piplup in that penguins have flippers, not wings.) As for Grass-types, they're usually reptilian or amphibian (Bulbasaur = toad, Chikorita = dinosaur, Treecko = gecko, Turtwig = tortoise). Nitpick, yes, but it also produces a sense of conformity in the starters to unite the tradition in more ways than just the recurrence of types.
The man had a strange, almost maniacal smile on his face,
His entrance and the emphasis on the fact that he's evil are making it a bit difficult to take him seriously. I'm sorry, but, uh, yeah. He's evil. Crazy evil. I think we would have gotten that by his subtle entrance.
Speaking of which, it should be noted that ninja tend to be subtle in their tactics. They're not inclined to burst into a room through the roof and make a scene of themselves because they're supposed to be assassins. (I don't care what Naruto has to say about this subject.)
There was a mangled scar over his right eye, which had no doubt left him permanently blind.
Otherwise, the rest of this scene would be incredibly amusing.
In the blink of an eye, the man whipped out a shuriken and pitched it at an unsuspecting Lerrow. The weapon whistled as it sliced through the air towards the small avian; when it connected, a soft crack was heard and before the trio knew what was happening, the shuriken was back in the man's hands.
He has a Pokémon, yet he attacks with what is apparently boomerang throwing stars (given that shuriken are typically not designed to come back for a reason that involves a need for indestructible fingers for this to occur).
Okay then.
Also, did it cut off Lerrow's wing or didn't it? What kind of injury was sustained from this attack? You don't seem to go into details about what happened here, which might actually come up later, considering this is a main character's Pokémon.
"I suppose you're all wondering why I attacked the bird and not the cat or dog?! It's because a bird can't fly with only one limb! Be grateful that all he got was a fractured wing!"
They're psychic? (As in, it's rather odd that they think the exact same thing at the exact same time. You could at most simply show us their looks of confusion, but unless they're synched in mind – and I sincerely hope they aren't – the likelihood that they'll think this at the same time is extremely low.)
This is a dialogue tag occurring after the piece of dialogue it's attached to, so you don't want to capitalize the word "he."
Basically speaking, when you have a dialogue tag (phrase that tells you who's speaking – like he said), it's attached to a piece of dialogue. What that means is that the dialogue tag isn't its own sentence. Rather, it's a modifier (something that describes something – kinda like an adjective, only broader) that's associated with an object. It's basically like having an adjective but no noun after it. So, you have to capitalize based on where the dialogue the tag is modifying occurs. If the dialogue is before the tag, don't capitalize. If it's after, capitalize and put a comma at the end of the tag. If it's surrounding the tag, then don't capitalize and surround it with either commas or dashes.
Confusing, I know, but that's the best I can do in a small space. If you still don't get it, I can try again with more detail.
"By rights, I should stay here. I can't let anything happen to gramps…"
So far, Paul has been shown to be an arrogant, impatient jerk. It's odd that you should suddenly show his soft side, especially given the fact that his rivals are right there.
Don't ever use the phrase "sort of." Ever. Except in dialogue. Using it in narration means that whether or not it's true is hazy, and the last thing you want to do for a reader is leave things ambiguous just because your wording can't decide whether or not it's true. As in, it either is or it isn't. There is no "sort of."
Josephine, Rachel and Paul grabbed their stuff and the trio fled; Rachel, however, was unaware that Leo had stuffed a small wad of paperwork into her backpack before the junior aide had left suddenly.
Oddly enough, this is a run-on sentence. Proof? Add a period between "their stuff" and "the trio," right where the word "and" is now. Notice how both new parts are their own, full sentences? That means you have a compound right there, which means the semicolon is actually trying to attach another sentence to this one, creating a kind of splice. You just can't do that.
the red haired girl unaware that Professor Oak was bleeding to death.
First off, 'tis. It's a contraction, so you actually need the apostrophe to show that.
Second, couple of things are wrong with this picture:
1. Did Josephine and her Lerrow forget about the fact that a shuriken was chucked at it?
2. There hasn't really been anything in canon that shows that Pokémon and trainers can communicate with one another through the confines of a Poké Ball. On the other hand, it's implied in the anime that it's a one-way channel (in that Pokémon can hear their trainers but not vice versa).
3. She's not at all scarred by the fact that someone just attacked the lab? I mean, she's formerly had a normal life in a town that's typically very quiet, and a ninja just popped in and attacked the town laboratory. That's probably not something you can just walk off.
Only reason why I'm bringing up the logistics is mainly the fact that you seem to have forgotten what's happened earlier in the fic (which, okay, was vaguely mentioned, but still), so it feels like you're shrugging off past events for the sake of not having to deal with the problems that would arise from that. Her Pokémon was injured, but she doesn't seem to care (or notice). She's the hero, but she just goes along with the professor's order to run without even giving that a second thought. She's a girl from a small town, but the ninja attack didn't phase her too much. It feels like you nearly bring up possible conflicts and problems, but you just don't follow through with them. That produces a rushed feeling with contradictions along the way because you're trying to get to Point B in the fic without spending time working out the kinks caused by Point A. Don't do that. A good story's made of those kinks.
What would a Pokémon Center, an institute dedicated to Pokémon medicine, do to help a human? There are hospitals in the world, after all. Pokémon Centers are more like vet clinics.
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but the word "kafuffle" makes it incredibly difficult to take this seriously. A kerfuffle (which I assume you mean) is an outburst of disorder (i.e., disturbance), yes, but it's got the connotation of a couple of girls in pink night slips slapping each other with stuffed unicorns. (Of course, I most often hear it used by girls who would wear pink night slips and slap each other with stuffed unicorns, but that's beside the point.)
Rachel was further up on the Route and had just caught a Normal/Flying type called Grifelkit.
Second problem I'm having with the abundance of fan-created Pokémon is basically, what ends up happening in this fic is that it feels like you've got essentially the same names for a different region. What I mean to say is that canonically, Grifelkit don't exist on Route 1. Granted, it's not unusual for Pokémon from other regions to appear there (given how GSC had the place populated with Sentret), but it still makes me rather uncomfortable to know that there's more fan-created Pokémon in this fic so far than canon Pokémon. At times, it even seems rather unnecessary. For example, what's wrong with the Normal/Flying-type that already exists there (namely, Pidgey)? Is there any particular reason why there need to be fan-created Pokémon here instead of the canon ones that already exist?
I could have bought the idea that you were importing Pokémon for starters because you're making it clear that their region of origin is separate. Now, you're basically treating Kanto as if it's your new region, populated with fan-created Pokémon instead of the Pokémon we know to live there. It's unnecessary, really. If you want to fill an entire region with fan-created Pokémon, just create a new region fic. Otherwise, you'll want to stick to the Pokémon that already exist in canonically in a canon region simply because anything else feels like a cop-out.
Given the fact that she's not evolved yet, it's unnecessary to say "at the moment" unless she has the ability to change forms.
Only to come across, a few minutes later, what looked like a weird, yet absolutely adorable-looking Pokémon that seemed to be a combination of an avian and a feline.
What I mean is that you showed some promise in the battle in the prologue. Why are you not going into the same description in battles thereafter? We don't know what kind of injuries that shuriken left on Josephine's starter, for example. We're never shown Paul's starter beating the crap out of the Rattata (or, for that matter, really killing it, given how we're only shown Zurax sinking his teeth into its neck but nothing else to show that it's dead). And here, we're never shown Rachel battling the Grifelkit or capturing it.
Remember that battles are some of the most exciting parts of a trainer fic because that's a lot of what we come here to read. Think about it. We're reading about a trainer's journey, but what does a trainer do? Battle! Gym battles, trainer battles, battles against wild Pokémon, battles against the resident evil organization, battles, battles, battles. The battle is a good chunk of the action in a fic. To not describe a battle is to not give the reader what they came here to see.
Not to mention you've shown you can be good at description. The prologue proved this. You can't even look like you're half-assing the rest now because of what we've already seen. It reflects badly on the rest of your work.
Also, how exactly are they understanding what Pokémon are saying? Canonically, this only happens if you:
A. Have a special ability to do so. (Telepathy, a Doctor Doolittle-esque ear, et cetera.)
B. Know or own a talking Pokémon. (Hence why Team Rocket in the anime relies on Meowth to translate.)
C. Have been with your Pokémon for a long enough time to get a gist of what they might be trying to say.
Otherwise, Pokémon are technically speaking a different language. You imply this by the fact that you surround their speech with brackets, not quotation marks. Right now, we're assuming you're giving your characters special powers, which again makes me think you might be wandering down Mary Sue Lane for the sake of not having to touch potential problems for your characters.
…Which Kyga doesn't seem to have so far. At most, we have her speaking in a formal tone, but we're assuming she's just paying respect (ironically or not) to her master. Otherwise, the only thing she's said so far seems to have been a sign of obedience, not superiority. If Kyga was trying to be superior, then there should probably be more to her actions than just going along and battling for her trainer. The superior attitude would probably interfere with her willingness to obey.
Somehow, I think Natalie would know how old her brother would have been then if she was simply told how many years ago they last heard from him. So, it almost feels like you're trying to use Fiona to feed information to the reader, not to feed information to her daughter. Remember, the secret to creating characters that seem like they live and breathe is to restrict their reactions to how a person would normally act around and address others. Characters are not channels of information so much as they are people living in the world you've created. Think of them as the latter, and your dialogue will become more natural.
"My name's Rowan Harris," was all the prisoner said. Rowan had been deceived by a Team Rocket grunt, who then took him prisoner.
The number of times the word "prisoner" has been repeated up until this point creates a sense of redundancy – much like the one I mentioned earlier about repeating the same word at the beginning of a sentence multiple times. You may want to avoid that, perhaps by finding synonyms or alternate ways of phrasing things.
For example, is it necessary to state "who then took him prisoner" at all? It's clear he's a prisoner. That's been made obvious by the dialogue tag. So, it's like you're beating it into the readers' heads that he's been captured.
Having studied Rowan's Pokémon extensively, it wasn't long before the Rocket Admins unanimously voted for him to be their new leader.
I know the Rocket grunts tend to be stupid, but why would the Rocket admins decide to make someone they captured their leader? If they wanted someone they could control, they could have at least used someone who was always loyal to the cause but still pathetically weak, like a grunt. A prisoner, however?
What's more amusing is you acknowledge this question but don't actually answer it in the lines after this point.
All at exactly the same time, the trio's Pokédexes gave a beep-beep as light on their sides lit up as the third screen on the flip out section flashed to display a letter shaped symbol with a "1" next to it.
This sentence sounds a bit awkward because you're jamming too much information into a small space. I would recommend putting a period after the word "up" and forming a new sentence out of the rest.
Not to mention some of the descriptions are just downright awkward either way. "Letter shaped symbol"? Perhaps you could use "an icon shaped like a letter" or simply "an envelope."
Generally, again, read your work aloud. Sometimes, you can catch awkward phrasing just by listening to yourself say it.
Incidentally, the Pokédex is an electronic encyclopedia and (in the anime) the trainer's ID. You may want to explain how it gained an e-mail feature as well.
Professor Oak of Pallet Town, who was assaulted by unknown Team Rocket mercenaries, has died on the floor of his laboratory's office! Please pay your respects by remaining quiet for one minute."
While I know that Nurse Joy is writing this, it feels as if you were trying to write it as a news article. Journalism, first off, doesn't often use exclamation points within an article simply because it conveys more of a skewed stance than the reporter should strive to convey. As in, it makes the article look slanted, as if the reporter's emotions went into it (which is not something a reporter generally wants to do). Second, usually, an obituary or news article concerning someone's death covers funeral/viewing plans, details about the case, and maybe quotes from the police. It doesn't often have commands for moments of silence.
And even if Nurse Joy isn't writing it as an article, it seems odd that she would know who to send the message to (unless she sent it to everyone).
A flock of Pidgey was. The verb is attached to the subject, which in this case is the phrase "a flock." Even if there are multiple members within this flock, there's still only one of them. Hence, it's singular, so the verb should be singular too.
still twittering the dawn chorus in their reasonably melodic way.
You keep throwing things like this into the fic, and it really makes it difficult to take it seriously. As in, having a 'dex reprimand a trainer reminds me of Ash talking to Dexter here. (Specifically: Start at 1:56.)
That and it's rather convenient for the 'dex randomly activating to tell the trainer off and nothing more, particularly given the fact that she's already reading a book about training anyway.
Gasping in surprise, Josephine gently closed the book and returned it to her port.
And yet, he doesn't seem to feel any sort of pain over this, and neither of them are concerned about getting him to a Pokémon Center before the fracture heals incorrectly?
The Lerrow gazed around at his surroundings, not troubled by anything it seemed.
Okay, seriously, awesome. You remembered that Lezro's injured. However, don't blow it off now. Lezro's wing is injured – fractured, actually. He probably won't be able to fly much, if at all. Just imagine breaking your leg and trying to walk on it. If it's a hairline fracture, you might be able to hop along, but putting weight on it (i.e., actually using it) would probably hurt like a mother.
You keep presenting problems for your characters, but rather than play with them and have the characters deal with them logically, you merely mention them but ignore them right after. However, doing that causes two problems. First, it makes your fic unrealistic and harder to believe, which means it's a bit more difficult to take it seriously. Second, it makes your fic slightly less interesting because you're not following through with the problems you're giving yourself. So, there's less conflict because you're not handling the conflict you keep nearly adding to the story.
In other words, you're rushing, and it shows through the plot holes.
We should try and capture it and take it to the Pokémon Centre in Viridian City for a health check."
The repetition of the word "claws" in this sentence sounds a bit awkward to me. Given the fact that he held up his claws just before diving at Lezro, I think it would be implied enough that he's attacking with them in the next instant.
Given that she states the move's name right after this point, you don't need to mention what she's referring to. On a similar note, do not begin a new paragraph here. Josephine is still speaking, so it's unnecessary to separate it. It's also unnecessary to add in a second dialogue tag (the part about the fourteen-year-old girl – and, incidentally, yes, we're aware she's fourteen, so it's unnecessary to state it again) because your first one would have covered it.
Diving at the yellow and white coloured Ground type,
Get into the habit of showing us, rather than telling us. For example, we can't really tell that he's strong just by you telling us he still looks strong. We can do so, however, if you tell us he tensed, his arms raising his sharp claws as he rushed forward for another attack. Or, you know, something similar. Basically, it's easier to tell what a character is like by seeing him in action or listening to what other characters say about him than it is to have the narrator simply tell us what the character is like.
Seriously, flashbacks are just like any other scene. Introduce where and when it's taking place in a paragraph (within complete sentences – none of this "Place, time…" stuff), and do not tag it with "~*~*~*~ Flashback ~*~*~*~" and "~*~*~*~ End flashback ~*~*~*~" or anything like that. Why? Because the tags smack the reader in the face. We can tell by the scene's introduction paragraph when and where it's supposed to take place, or we can figure it out by the context in either the scene before it or the scene itself. (This goes especially for this scene, given that you tell us when the flashback happened just before you enter the nice tags.) In other words, flashback tags tend to insult the reader's intelligence. It smacks the reader in the face, disrupts the flow of narration, and states the obvious.
Also… uh, why is it important for us to know how she learned how to arrange the balls on her belt? You could have easily told us she learned the trick from Professor Oak as she clipped the ball to her belt in the present, or you could have left it out because it's usually assumed that a trainer knows which Pokémon is in which ball. It just seems that the flashback itself was random and unnecessary, so it broke the story's flow to say something seemingly trivial.
Wearing orange pants and a black tank top with two orange octagons imprinted on it, he had a concerned look on his face.
The number of dependent clauses here makes the sentence a bit awkward, particularly with the part where you go from "being cradled" to "whimpering pitifully." I would suggest splitting this into multiple sentences as well, perhaps like so:
Resting in his arms was a small, white dog. She whimpered pitifully with her small, thin tail curled beneath her body.
Note the lack of "being cradled." It's because the act of cradling usually means something is being held gently in something. Therefore, it's a bit redundant because you already say she's resting in someone's arms.
Again, actions speak louder than words, author. Show us how she's distant and detached. Don't just tell us she is (especially given the fact that it contradicts anime and game canon).
Or that it's particularly humid? =/ How does Josephine know there's a storm on the way?
I'll be frank with you. It started out as readable, but it's got a handful of problems.
First off, grammar. It's readable, but you have a lot of problems not only with commas but also semicolons, hyphens, dialogue formation, and general wording. I'd suggest brushing up on punctuation through the online guides I gave you and the ones you can find on Google, then going back and figuring out how to apply that knowledge to your writing. There's a lot more errors than I pointed out above. I just tried to do a general overview so I don't end up writing a review that's longer than necessary.
Second, plot holes. You've got many of them. I've pointed out many of them. Your characters have pointed out some of them. You really need to sit down, take things slow, and look at what you're doing because what's worse than a very slow-paced story is one that's fast-paced but blows off logic or problems you brought up but refuse to touch. Trust me, your story would be a lot more interesting if you, as I've said before, took your time, watched what you're doing, and follow through with the problems you're building. Many times, it feels like you're about to have something interesting happen but just… don't. Alternatively, you have things happen without explanation or detail added in, which is really just as bad.
Third, details. You have a lot of them. At times, it's good for visualization, but at others, you add in random details that don't really have anything to do with the story, contradict other details, or are generally unnecessary. Be very careful with what you're writing. Don't add details that aren't going to actually add to the story, and read over your work aloud to make sure you're not accidentally repeating something.
In general, you have potential, Tigrerra. However, from what I can tell, you're not putting enough effort into reaching that potential. Take your time and work hard to make sure you iron out the kinks in your story. Get a beta, perhaps. Or, if you have one, get a second one. In any case, your narration isn't that bad (save for the awkward parts that I've mentioned above), but you can be much better.
Also, incidentally, the rants bobandbill were talking about are here and here.
First off, I endorse Xanthine's review there. -_- Fair amount of stuff there is what I would have said, but I'll still make a review (that won't be as helpful now. Sorry. =P). Mostly focusing on critique here. -_-
This chapter had a few problems plot-wise, admittedly. Some things from the last chapter seemed to carry over and not get addressed properly, or stuff that occurred now just felt a bit too weak, really...
"Help! I need a doctor now! I don't know how much longer my grandfather can hold out…" Paul's older sister cried out, fretting and pacing madly around the blood-ridden office room. Shehad arrived back from doing business in Viridian a mere half an hour after her younger brother had left. She'd pondered on why Paul was so distraught-looking, but now she knew.
She had called the Pokémon Centre in Viridian and hastily explained the situation. Nurse Joy answered that she was on her way, along with Officer Jenny and her patrol and they would be there as soon as possible.
In addition to points already raised here, it did feel that you simply added this in, and didn't put too much thought into how it might affect other parts. It felt a bit too fast, really, with not much expanded on for effect or anything. Also - three of those sentences started with 'She had' (one with She'd which is practically the same thing) - too repetitive.
The problem with this mostly showed itself later though, in fact...
While all of the kafuffle at Pallet was going on, Paul was preparing to train his Liquipup, whom he had nicknamed Zurax. He hadn't walked more than a few hundred meters away from the entrance of Route One when he was stopped in his path by a sound coming from a nearby bush. At first it sounded like a low rumble, but as he got closer it changed into a growl. Taking a step backwards he braced himself, whispering to Zurax. "You ready for a battle?"
Zurax answered with <I was born ready!>. Suddenly a Pokémon leapt out of the bushes and Paul did a double take at it, before laughing.
"Ra! Rat! Rattata!" The rat-like Rattata growled at Paul as it stood in his way on the path. Its short, purple and white fur was bristled up, making it appear larger than it really was, and its body was quivering as it growled at him, its fangs bared.
"Alright! Let's do this!" He smirked, thinking to himself.
Apparently, Paul had looked distraught. Yet when we cut to him, he now seems perfectly fine, and his grandfather's death completely forgotten. no, instead, he's happily training his Pokemon, without any eveidence of him having been upset, nor anything to suggest that he did anything which would have occurred if he was really affected by Oak's murder.
It's not enough to merely address something for a short while - it has to be consistent the whole way through. If such a major event happened, they won't forget about it - they would continue to think about it, and do something about it instead of not tell anybody and just go to train Pokemon.
Also here, as mentioned - Pokemon-speech - how does it work? Very quickly, Paul is able to talk to his Pokemon, and so forth with the other trainers - but they haven't known each other before. At all. And this Ratatta here? It can apparently only speak its own name. There seems to be no clear reason for this - consider this, and possible changing it around as well.
The pure Water type proceeded to rush after the weakening rat and sink his fangs into the rodent's neck.
"Zurax, stop! What are you doing?!" Paul half yelled, half pleaded with his starter.
Before replying, the Liquipup ensured that the pest was dead. <I killed it. What did you think I was doing?!> His arrogantly hostile tone indicated that he didn't want to be questioned anymore. <And just so you're aware, I refuse to be restrained.>
Paul winced, dreading the fact that he was unable to rein in his starter's violent tendencies. Shaking his head slowly, already admitting defeat, he failed to take notice of the male Nidoran who'd just shown up, rearing for a fight.
This I found... odd - this starter Pokemon - a mere starter meaning it possibly is a young Pokemon, which had been entrusted to beginners - just killed a Rattata. There didn't seem to be any reason to it, and seemed... well, just a odd thing to do, really. Maybe you have reasons for this planned and all, but the way you wrote it, it seems that we should just accept this, rather than realise that there is a reason behind it, and all. For instance, Paul himself seems to end up (unwillingly, but very easily) accepting this fact. And for someone who supposedly stayed behind some extra years so he could be a better trainer, well, it's not doing him much good, is it? =/
The next part began as so:
At the same time that Paul was due to battle the soon to be captured Brute,
WAIT UP JUST A MINUTE. Just like that, you jumped away from an opportunity to explain or develop the fact the starter HAD killed a Pokemon, and to show one of your main characters catch a Nidoran, by just telling us that he will catch it right after he had merely 'failed to notice it' (which suggested something exciting was about to happen), and name it Bruce to boot.
It REALLY doesn't work well that way. =/ After all, this is set to be a significant point, getting a new Pokemon, and was shaping up to it, but instead of showing the seen, let alone describing it, you just tell us that he will catch it, and directly to as from the narrator's perspective as well. It hurts the fic, really - takes us out of the story, and turns something which could have been really interesting into a dull one-liner summery whcih could be missed by the odd reader as well.
Continuing on:
Rachel was further up on the Route and had just caught a Normal/Flying type called Grifelkit. She had come up with a nickname for her new partner who was a female; she called her Ectria. Ectria was, at the moment, a small tawny coloured cat-like creature with tiny wings which were fused to her shoulder blades. The other oddity about her was that she had an eagle's head and neck feathers. Her youthful amber eyes gazed deeply into Rachel's azure ones as she realized that her mistress had let her out of the sphere.
Again - lack of desciption on how she really got this Pokemon - sure, you have the brief flashback a few paragraphs down, but even then its very quickly done, and holds little interest, tbh. You know how to describe as shown by that prologue (unless that was ALakazam17's work... =/)- so use it! Show us what happens, how it happens, make it sound interesting, structure it so we really have a feel for the event and can easily feel like we are there, and so forth. Copping out like that comes off as lazy, really. =/
And I'll have to agree with Xanthine - although you went and explained the whole fact that they used Fakemon as starters, there is no such explanation for why other Fakemon have started to appear in the wild. This makes it seem that these Pokemon are there for the sake of it - just because you wanted to use them - and that you wanted to do this fic in Kanto despite this. It doesn't really work - again, something that needs further, careful thinking. If you rush things, it comes off as lazy, and makes the fic seem less realistic and convincing. Look at canon and why things are portrayed the way they are. Doing things just because you like it tends to get frowns form some readers instead, really.
Rachel checked who the message was from and was surprised to learn the message's sender was Nurse Joy from Viridian. "How did Nurse Joy get to Pallet so fast…? And, more importantly, those unknown mercenaries – whoever they are – will pay!"
This also is seemingly out of place. Ever since Rachel fled Oak's place, she forgot about this and didn't seem to mind it, until here where she finds out he is dead. Then it seems that suddenly she knows they are mercenaries (and multiple as well it seems, due to the plural), and declares that 'they will pay!'. That is a bit cliched there, tbh - and I find it unlikely that she will be successful in taking down Team Rocket with a starter and newly-caught Pokemon - it seems to be set up for Mary-Sue like characters, unless you carry it well. Just a warning there...
But the main point - again, an instance where one instance of them showing a reaction to something isn't enough. If she feels so deeply about this that she basically swears revenge on them - why didn't she do anything beforehand? Surely that is the most obvious thing for her to do. But instead she goes Pokemon-catching/training, which doesn't fit in at all. You need to be consistant with your character reactions, and this should apply to their actions as well - and they should follow what would be the more-than-likely thing they would do in response to something, such as seeing a ninja crash through the lab's roof and see your Professor get visibly afraid about it.
<Mistress Josephine, I'm at your service. Let me hasten to remind you that I currently have a fractured wing,> Lezro spoke in a laid-back, relaxed manner. The Lerrow gazed around at his surroundings, not troubled by anything it seemed.
The last part is a bit awkward sounding, and could be reworded. (Yes I say it a fair bit, but best to have clarity in your sentences, after all). Also, this seems out of place to the rest of this part. Finally, the Pokemon points out its factured wing, but again as Xanthine said, you then follow by seemingly ignoring the consequences of this, which basically just underlines the plothole here.
"Oh-kay, I think it's time I kicked it up a notch," Josephine believed it was time to rack up a capture and be on her way to Viridian. "Though he doesn't know it doesn't mean he still can't use it…" she added, referring to the Flying type move known as Peck.
"Alright, Lezro! Let's go! Use Peck multiple times!" the fourteen year old girl yelled, before Sandshrew could muster up a counter-attack.
By canons though, they can only do the move 'Peck' and so forth whenthey actually know it. Sure, they could tackle or scratch or bite each other without actually doing the respective move, but they wouldn't be actually doing the Capitalised Move. That's like telling a Charmander to use Flamethrower when they only know Ember, in a sense. =/
Also have to say something on this again - don't declare events like this, by announcing 'flashback begins!'. This just again involves you as the narrator talking to us the readers, which brings us out of the story and cause it to lose some of the realism you go for, given you are going for a serious fic. Doesn't match up, and comes off as lazy. Also didn't seem that important a thing to show either, given some more important stuff in this fic...
"It's okay, little one," the man attempted to calm the pup down. Shaking his head, he looked at the Houndoom. "It's no use, Lex. She won't stop trembling."
Might be an idea to add in that bolded comma - it sounds like he is talking to the Pokemon and calling it 'little one' - it is thus a title/name/nickname he is using, so methinks it should be preceeded by a comma, like names.
Anyway, although some things were interesting, this chapter felt rather down in places. A lot of scenes you flew through quickly, negating to use that description which you had before. Then there are the plotholes which are starting to mount up. I'd recommend stopping and revising the latter parts of your fic so far here, as it is hurting it as a whole, and probably will affect future sections as well. It'll help your fic, and maybe be needed. Take these comments on board, and take the time to fully consider each part of your story and how to fix/improve it. As said, you have the potential, but as-is, the fic is already restricting that, and doesn't show you using it nearly as much as you can.
