Killing me inside

[Usul]

Spoiler:

Sçrewed up big time, after 3 months,
Now I'm feeling broken,
It was the worse pain I'd ever felt,

I started to write her every single day,
The pain was getting worse with each step,
Dying and dying with each breath,

But I'd swear to god that it was never ment to hurt you,
A lighting blast from the sky can strike me down right now;
If what I feel for you isn't true,

I can feel the smooth memory of us,
I'd still feel you, inside,
There isn't a single thing that can ever replace you,

If I'd release my mind of all the stuff we've been through,
The fading dreams we've been graved into,
I still think about that statement of 'Perfection',

Everytime I can think about the - Oh, who would be the 'perfect girl' for me,
I think of you, my heart stopped beating with each hurt I'd feel,
I try to act happy and ignore the hurt, the pain the miserablity,

I will not give up till I can feel you against me, again,
Where I can taste your lips again, where we will be one again,
I miss your smile, your voice, your personality,

Your outbursting innocentness, your lovin' body,
I love the way how you made me feel alive, breatheful; loved,
Even when was I broken, dislocated and isolated.

I'm still figuring out how you made me smile,
When no one else could, I could never hide anything from you,
You knew me from the outside and from the inside,

I'm out of words; out of rhyme, I tried so hard to express what I felt,
I'm crumbling inside all that's left of what's beating; is beating for you,
These feelings is killing me inside, if I had one last chance I'd keep you,

Until the day we died.

 

[Oryx]

There are some interesting things that you can do with this poem to really highlight its strengths, and make it stand out from other poems. It has a lot of strong descriptions, which as of now aren't very attached to a single story that stands out from the poem.

One thing I would consider is stanza length. Generally when one chooses a standard length as you have, there's a very specific reason to do so. It looks like you could really benefit from varying stanza lengths, to highlight the different thoughts you have about the situation at hand. You could use a short one to describe something about her than you miss, then a longer one to tell the main story, and alternate like that. Even if you don't want to do that, it would really spice up the poem to look into that.

Another thing I would focus on is the story you're trying to tell. Do you want to tell the story of how she left, while peppering in the descriptions of how you feel now? Do you want to go through an average day in your life now that she's gone? Do you want to flash back to the good times and then contrast them with pain now? As long as you have a good story in mind, it would help give your poem some direction. As of now it doesn't seem to be telling anything, just describing, which doesn't hold attention very well for longer poems. I wouldn't suggest losing the description, but I would weave it into a storyline so it has more context and is easier to follow.

You have some great imagery in there, I'm particularly fond of the idea of a smooth memory. With a little bit of work you can play on those strong words and make it a really interesting poem to read :)

 

[Usul]

This is the long version, there's a short/normal version in progress though. (Seeing it was really hard to express.) Thanks for your feedback. c: