[Pokémon] Nero's Pokemon Adventures

[The Confuzzler]

Hey, I'm beginning a new fanfic, I sincerely hope you enjoy it. Any help will be appreciated!

Prologue​

3:00am in the morning, in the middle of Autumn. Frost covered the grass like a giant soft blanket. It seemed to sparkle under the beautiful rays of the crescent moon, creating a very magical scene.

Everyone was pretty much asleep. A few people delayed this natural human activity, and were out partying. However, one 13 year old boy wasn't sleeping, and he certainly wasn't partying.

Nero lay in the comfort of his Viridian City home, thinking about tomorrow. It would be the day he would abandon the scenes of his early childhood to move to Cherrygrove City, Johto.

Most boys his age were away journeying with creatures called Pokemon. Yes, even at 3:00am in the middle of Autumn.

Nero's long-time friend, Jade, was beginning her journey in the morning. However, Nero would not be there to travel with her. He shuffled around, before just giving up. It was useless. No way was he getting to sleep.

He got out his bed, got on some clothes, a sweater and some jeans, and went out into the frosty night.

He walked out into the night, passing Jade's house along the way. Tears began to fill his blue eyes. The silence of the night was amazing. Then, the silence was broken by a scream. The type of overplayed scream you'd hear in movies.

Except it was real.

Nero dashed round the corner, and reached the end of the street. He arrived at the entrance of the dark, frosty Viridian Forest.

He hesitated going in, weighing up the situation. But he decided, he didn't have a choice.

The scream was heard again. This time it was clearer, and it definitely belonged to a girl.

He dashed deep into Viridian Forest, and by a bunch of Beedrill sleeping. He then turned a corner, to see an unforgettable site.

Jade. Pinned down by a Blastoise. A group of rowdy teenagers were laughing. Obviously drunk.

They turned when they heard a twig snap, to see Nero. They looked at each other in fright.

"Damn, this pipsqueak's ruining our party, lets…'erase' him…"the tallest and skinniest of the group said.

Jade was out cold, and the Blastoise followed behind the gang.

"Hey wait...guys.."he said, running his fingers nervously through jet black hair.

There was no choice. He couldn't do anything. He was so scared; it was as if he was completely frozen to the one spot.

The Blastoise walked forward, reading the cannons on its back. Nero knew what attacked followed.

A powerful Hydro Pump sent him to the ground, knocking him unconscious.

And for an hour, everything was a blur, but when Nero came to, the gang was gone, and Jade was still out cold. Nero phoned an ambulance, and Jade was taken to hospital.

Nero phoned his parents, and told them he wanted to stay at the hospital to be there for Jade. Nero fell asleep on the bedside chair next to Jade.

The next morning, Nero's parents walked in the hospital.

"Son, the van's ready to take us to Cherrygrove.."his dad said.

His mum looked at him, slightly nodding.

Nero just stared coldly at the ground.

"So.. my friend.. almost died and.. you won't even let me make sure she's okay-"

"YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED NERO!" his dad shouted.

Nero turned to look at Jade, and a tear ran down his face.

"I-I'll be outside in a minute..."he said. He looked at Jade, her long blonde hair resting comfortably on her bed.

Nero walked out the hospital, and got in the van.

The drive seemed to take forever, but eventually after a while, they reached Johto.

Soon enough, they bumped up the forest path to Cherrygrove City.

And the magical scene of frost, that once seemed to beautiful to Nero, looked like an ugly, ugly scene, filled with 3:00am nightmares..

 

[Late]

This is first time I actually read something from this fan fiction section and I don't think it was just a waste of time. I have to visit this place more often and read other threads too :D
Nice beginning for the story. I'll probably come back here when you get some more text.
I actually started thinking if I could do some kind of story by myself but I'm not sure if I can write everything in english, I think I'm not good enough. If I could write here with my own language, (finnish,) I probably already had something written in here. I like writing and there's always some kind of story in my head for being ready to come back to my mind when the time is right.
Now I have much more in here than I was supposed to write (just typical for me...) but in few words: "I hope you can keep up with this story and not leave it before it's complete". (That was few words...?)

 

[Miz en Scène]

I was bored so I thought, "Why the hell not, let's do a review."

It was (You need a subject in any sentence.) 3:00 a.m. in the morning(,) in the middle of Autumn.

Of the bat, I'm going to pick through your fic bit by bit, pointing out errors. Don't' be offended. These days, I only do reviews if I get the feeling that the author won't give up on a fic after the first chapter, if the author has potential, if the author is in desperate need of help, if I really like the fic, or if I feel like it. You fall somewhere in the first and second category (And to an extent, the last reason). On to the review, that sentence was the first thing I noticed. When you're going to describe a scene in a paragraph, be sure to follow the standard grammatical rules of prose. This means that you need a subject and predicate in any independent sentence.

Of course, English is notorious for exceptions to the rules. If you had used what you wrote in a different manner, it wouldn't have actually been wrong. For instance, in military lingo, authors tend to just describe the main scene in the way you've just used.

0300 hours, Arctic Base.

[Goes on to describe scene]

Et voila, a scene perfect for militaristic descriptive mood. Basically, they put the setting in its own paragraph in concise words to get the general idea of the place and time. In your fic however, I don't think that the mood fits that style of writing so I advise you to avoid it.

2) Now, on the subject of that comma: it's unnecessary. The second sentence isn't actually an independent sentence so it doesn't need conjunctions or a comma. It's only independent with a subject.

Everyone was pretty much asleep. A few people delayed this natural human activity(,) and were out partying.

This comma is wrong for a similar reason. Add a 'they' to 'were out partying' and it'd be an independent sentence. Otherwise, remove the comma.

Nero's long-time friend, Jade, was beginning her journey in the morning. However, Nero would not be there to travel with her. He shuffled around(,) before just giving up. It was useless. No way was he getting to sleep.

Remove the comma for the same reason as above. Also, a slight nitpick: You have a blonde, teenage, childhood friend named Jade (After the jewel.). I sincerely hope that you don't fall into the Mary Sue/childhood friend romance trap. Actually, I'm technically okay with the childhood friend thing as long as it's not too cliché, but the Mary Sue part is a big turn off for most people to be honest. In this first chapter, you've just shown her to be some kind of damsel in distress which is, again, a big turn off for a fic.

He got out of his bed, put on some clothes, a sweater and some jeans, and went out into the frosty night.

Just a few things here.

He walked out into the night, passing Jade's house along the way. Tears began to fill his blue eyes. (Why?) The silence of the night was amazing. (Not a very good reason if it is one. If it's not, then the sentence actually just seems to jump out of nowhere.) Then, the silence was broken by a scream. The type of overplayed scream you'd hear in movies.

I have hazy notion of why he'd started crying, but you could at least give an exact reason for your reader. If not, make it vague and say that he was crying, but he didn't' know why.

Nero dashed round the corner(,) and reached the end of the street. He arrived at the entrance of the dark, frosty Viridian Forest.

Remove.

He hesitated going in, weighing up the situation. But then, he decided that he didn't have a choice.

Again, why didn't he have a choice? Give a reason. Some vague concept of chivalry perhaps.

He dashed deep into Viridian Forest(,) and by a bunch of sleeping Beedrill. He then turned a corner(,) to see an unforgettable site.

Commas to be removed. And then, the word sleeping modifies the Beedrill noun, so it comes first.

Some other stuff:

He saw Jade, pinned down by a Blastoise, and group of rowdy, laughing teenager. Obviously, they were drunk.

They turned when they heard a twig snap(,) to see Nero. They looked at each other in fright. (Surprise would be better)

"Damn, this pipsqueak's ruining our party. Lets… 'erase' him…" the tallest and skinniest of the group said.

"Hey wait...guys…" he said, running his fingers nervously through jet black hair.

I don't think anyone does that while nervous.

The Blastoise walked forward, readying the cannons on its back. Nero knew what attacked followed.

Nero phoned his parents, and told them that he wanted to stay at the hospital to be there for Jade. Nero fell asleep on the bedside chair next to her (redundant).

The next morning, Nero's parents walked into the hospital.

"Son, the van's ready to take us to Cherrygrove… (Yeah, those three little dots (…), ellipses, have rules too. One of them being that you should always only use three dots, not two, four, more, or less.)" his dad said.

"So… my friend… almost died and… you won't even let me make sure she's okay—(Two hyphens make a dash, just so you know. Use a dash or two hypens.)"

This part felt really rushed actually. Try to add more dialogue.

"YOU COULD'VE BEEN KILLED, NERO!" his dad shouted.

Add a comma. When adding names at the end, always add a comma.

Nero walked out the hospital(,) and got in the van.

Remove.

The drive seemed to take forever, but eventually, after a while, they reached Johto.

And that concludes mon tres rapide review. Good luck.