Nicholas: Through the Grasses of Kanto (13 and up for mild language)

[Shadows_of_the_Night]

My first thought as I entered the arena was, "What if I lose?" I had trained for so long for this one battle, but what would it matter if I lost? I had painted the top half of my Pokeballs to identify each Pokemon: Orange for Hellraiser, the Charizard, blue for Neptune, the Vaporeon, grey for King, the Rhydon, yellow for Sparky, the Pikachu, purple for Spook, the Gengar, and brown for Wingstop, the Pidgeot.
They were a one of a kind team, and had never failed me in the battles before this. I had worked so hard, SO HARD, to get where I am today, and if I lose, it was for nothing. Soon, the announcers began their yelling.
"Ladies and Gents, from Cinnibar Island, I give you, Tommy!"
The crowd went crazy for my long time friend, and friendly rival. I smirked at him.
"And on the other side of the arena, from Saffron City, I give you, Nicholas!"
My name rang in my ears. People went just as crazy for me as they did Tommy.
The annoncers went over the rules. Three Pokemon each. First to lose all Pokemon is the loser. I already knew. And when the signal was given, I threw my orange pokeball.
"Hellraiser, raise some Hell!", I yelled. A burst of white light, and then a large, orange, winged lizard breathed fire from his nostrils.
The crowd cheered some more. Tommy threw is pokeball, which naturally turned out to be a large water pokemon, Blastoise. He hadn't learned. Train a Pokemon hard enough, and type means nothing.
"The Charizard clearly has the disadvantage, but if this trainer is as gifted as we are told, it will mean nothing!", the announcer shouted. The crowd went nuts.
"Blastoise, Hydro Pump!", Tommy ordered. The cannons on Blastoise's back fired a cascade of water right in Hellraiser's way. The battle could have ended there. But did it? Hell no!
Hellraiser flew up into the sky, right out of the way of his opponent's attack. I smiled. His training had payed off.
"Use Sky Attack!", I commanded. Hellraiser lit up like a lightbulb, and charged straight for Blastoise. The helpless tortoise was knocked off its feet.
"Slash attack!", I yelled. Blastoise had no chance. Hellraiser's claws ran across the Blastoise, and knocked it to the floor again.
"Finish him off with another Slash!" And that's how it ended. Blastoise was out cold. His master was clearly stunned. The crowd, again, went absoloutly insane.
"An incredible victory by Nicholas! Blastoise is unable to battle! Next Pokemon!", the speakers blared.
I let Charizard rest. I motioned to Tommy to choose his Pokemon first.
"Go! Vulpix!", he commanded. Without a word, I threw the Pokemon containing Rhydon.
"Nicholas is now using his types to his advantage, but miracles happen, so maybe Tommy will come out the victor!", the annoucer said.
I laughed. Tommy blushed an angry red.
"Vulpix, Fire Spin!", Tommy commanded. Bad choice. King was already underground, making his way to the helpless Vulpix. The ground erupted with a shower of rocks and dirt. King smashed into the Vulpix, knocking it to the other side of the arena. The Vulpix wasn't out yet, a tough thing, and charged at King.
King just stomped on the ground, and created a huge earthquake. It shook the stands, and knocked Vulpix into the air. This finally fainted the Vulpix. It collided with the ground with a loud "SMACK!".
"Vulpix is unable to battle! Nicholas is victorious!", the annoucer said. Tommy was mad now. He threw another pokeball with all his might. "
"Onyx, show him how its done!", Tommy yelled. I threw the ball containing Spook, the Gengar.
"Ok, Gengar, use Psychic.", I said casually. The arena turned black, and Spook's eyes blue. Onyx floated in the air. Gengar smiled and through Onyx around playfully, smashing the Pokemon into the ground. Onyx, being Tommy's weakest, fainted instantly.
The announcers went crazy, as did the crowd. "He's done it, Nicholas is a Pokemon master, and the champion of the Kanto region!"
Flowers hit my feet, and people chanted my name. People hugged me as I exited the arena. I was famous, and everything was okay. But, it hadn't always been this way. In fact there was a time when life totally sucked. It all started about ten months ago...

 

[Astinus]

Oh my gods... Hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph. Otherwise, your story is really hard to read.

Now onto the line-by-line review.

I had painted the top half of my Pokeballs to identify each Pokemon: Orange for Hellraiser, the Charizard, blue for Neptune, the Vaporeon, grey for King, the Rhydon, yellow for Sparky, the Pikachu, purple for Spook, the Gengar, and brown for Wingstop, the Pidgeot.

You might want to not have all the Pokemon revealed in one sentence. Instead, work it into the story. Like when the character reaches for a Pokeball, say "I reached for the orange-colored one, knowing I could rely on the Fire Pokemon inside". It's less boring to the reader.

They were a one of a kind team

"one-of-a-kind"

I had worked so hard, SO HARD

There are such things like italics. You use that to emphasis words, not caps.

So you could have "I had worked [i]so hard[/i]"

The annoncers went over the rules.

"announcers"

Read over your work before posting. You spelled it right before.

"Hellraiser, raise some Hell!",

Don't need the comma. You do this with your dialogue. You already have the punctuation that you need in the quotation mark. You don't need any more.

Tommy threw is pokeball

"his"

"Onyx, show him how its done!"

The Pokemon's name is spelled "Onix".

Gengar smiled and through Onyx around playfully, smashing the Pokemon into the ground.

"threw"

I would like to point you towards the Grammar Advice sticky. Read it and learn from it. Also read the guides in the Lounge.

Seriously, you're missing a lot from the chapter. This is supposed to be the most important battle in Nicholas's life, but he easily wins. There's no intense moment where Nicholas is about to lose the goal we worked so hard for. He just goes in and wins without Tommy, his rival, fighting back at all. Why didn't Tommy give a command to his Blastoise when it was getting beat? He just did nothing to fight back.

And it seemed rather disappointing that Nicholas won in three hits against Blastoise, and one hit against Vulpix and Onix. It was also disappointing that Tommy entered the battle for the title of League Champion with weak Pokemon.

This needs some work put into it in terms of grammar and description. Read the guides stickied in the Lounge to get some help on this.

 

[The-master-trainer]

besides the spelling mistakes and the lack of battle, I like it. I'm guessing your going back into the past in the next chapter?

 

[Shadows_of_the_Night]

Your right^. I tried to paragraph it, but of course it didnt turn out that way. I have the story just like I like it. Ill be sure to include more battle. He easily wins, because not only was it the most important, but the easiest battle of his whole career. And please, when I leave off a letter, like the H off of his, dont correct me. It just takes space. One letter is a typo, not a complete spelling mistake. Im trying to show that Tommy completely SUCKS as a trainer, and that Nicholas is very gifted. I have a reason why I wrote it like I did. A good trainer would have given his Pokemon a command, but Tommy didn't. He sucks. Next chapter up soon.

 

[BeachBoy]

Your right^. I tried to paragraph it, but of course it didnt turn out that way. I have the story just like I like it. Ill be sure to include more battle. He easily wins, because not only was it the most important, but the easiest battle of his whole career. And please, when I leave off a letter, like the H off of his, dont correct me. It just takes space. One letter is a typo, not a complete spelling mistake. Im trying to show that Tommy completely SUCKS as a trainer, and that Nicholas is very gifted. I have a reason why I wrote it like I did. A good trainer would have given his Pokemon a command, but Tommy didn't. He sucks. Next chapter up soon.

Well, she's trying to help you out and improve, it may take up space, but oh well, this entire forum is space. If she weren't to correct you, you may have not noticed, thus you look like a lacking proof-reader onward and overall your fic takes a hit. ;/ No reason whatsoever to bite back. (Or at least that's the vibe I'm getting from that post) One letter off isn't a spelling mistake? The spelling bee must be rigged! D8< (Though typo does sound better :x) Make sure you read over to fix those mistakes. ;D

On your Tommy bit... If that was the case, you should have at least elaborated more on that. Giving more description as to why Tommy didn't release the command, instead of stunned, or why Tommy was so bad. (Hopefully you explain such when you come to give us the past) So, if Tommy sucks so much, how is he oh so qualified to make it to the League Championship? Scratching my head after that. ;/ I fail to see how a trainer whom is unable to simply give a command, deal with the pressures of battle, or even make it this far with weak Pocket Monsters get to the Kanto Championship. I would have liked to see two incredible battlers, and see Nicholas' true skill shine, would have been much more entertaining. Eh, I'm probably missing something, I'm just stumped. ._." As far as I understand it... Nicholas walked in and cleaned house on the greatest stage against (As you say) a pathetic trainer. Not as interesting as to what I look for in the Championship battle. Though, you seem adamant on the fact you like it, so I wonder how such will continue. (Or reverse seeing as this will be generated towards Nicholas' past)

Sorry, I didn't honestly enjoy it, but I wish you luck on your future chapters, and I am interested to see how the past unfolds. ^^; Hope you improve, that's what this tough love is all about. =D Well, overall, Nicholas is a stud who shred a kid into pieces, interesting... Could use the enter button. (But since you were unable? I guess that'll just be tough going forth) As Astinus stated, you can work on your grammar and descriptions. Pump in much more imagery for us as well, give us a painting in our mind of the action, I just didn't feel that. Good luck~

 

[Astinus]

Your right^. I tried to paragraph it, but of course it didnt turn out that way.

There's a little button you should hit before posting your chapter. It's called the "Preview Post" button. This way, you would have seen that your paragraphing didn't work. Or you could have fixed it after you saw that it wasn't correct by editing your post. Instead, you just left it as it was.

He easily wins, because not only was it the most important, but the easiest battle of his whole career.

He's at the Championships. That's where the strongest trainers go to battle, the ones who make it past all eight gyms of Kanto and battle against other trainers of that same skill level. It makes absolutely no sense as to how/why Tommy's there if he sucks as a trainer. If he's not willing to fight his opponent, since he only gave two commands in the whole battle, how did he manage to get into the Championships?

You might have an explanation for this in further chapters, but right now it makes no sense. So I pointed it out to you, because it's a mistake that might turn readers away from your fic.

And please, when I leave off a letter, like the H off of his, dont correct me. It just takes space. One letter is a typo, not a complete spelling mistake.

As a reviewer, I point out typos that you made because each typo weakens your story. Why should I read a story that has typos? If you don't want to take the time to read over your story before posting it, why should anybody read your story? When you leave your story with easy-to-spot typos, it leaves the appearance that you don't really care for your story.

Im trying to show that Tommy completely SUCKS as a trainer, and that Nicholas is very gifted.

Well, you certainly painted your character as a Stu, then. He is "very gifted" as a trainer. Plus, he won the most important battle of his life against someone not at his skill level. It would be like you claiming that you won in a battle against me when you have all level 100 Legendary Pokemon, and I have nothing but a level 2 Bidoof. It makes the victory that Nicholas had feel cheap because he didn't have to fight for it at all.

For an important battle, you certainly down-played it to mean nothing. If you want to show that Nicholas is a gifted trainer, give him an opponent of equal skill. Following my example of level 100s v. level 2 Bidoof, you'll have your victory, but no one would think that you're great because your opponent wasn't all that good. If, however, I had an equal team, and then you beat me, then you could brag about your victory because it was a struggle.

And what's the point of a "rival" that doesn't force you to be your best? If Tommy sucks, why would it mean so much to Nicholas to beat him?

I have a reason why I wrote it like I did. A good trainer would have given his Pokemon a command, but Tommy didn't. He sucks.

We get it. Tommy sucks. But he's not much of an opponent for a battle to get the title of Elite Trainer. That's my main problem with it. You had a cheap opponent for your trainer to win against because you didn't want to make your trainer struggle against an opponent of equal skill.

Next chapter up soon.

Take your time on your next chapter. If you don't want me pointing out the typos that you might make, then proof-read your chapters before posting. Don't complain that I pointed out a mistake that you made. Since I took the time to point out that mistake, it shows that I want to see you improve as a writer.

Work on your description. Even with this short battle, you could have stretched the chapter/prologue out to more than just a page. It's lacking in description.

You post your story online, and others will read it. Not everyone is going to think that it's flawless. And when those people point out those mistakes that you make and give you advice, it's because they want to see you improve as a writer.

 

[Shadows_of_the_Night]

Look, people, I know yall are trying to "help", and theres nothing wrong with that, but not everyone is a flawless writer, so if you would, lay off. Mods, just delete. I dont think Ill get a break from these people. They wont let me continue the story and tell them why Nick wins the battle so easily, or why Tommy made it past the elite four, even though he sucks as a trainer. Its like going to Star Wars, and leaving because you don't know who Darth Vader is.

 

[Crimson Arcanine]

Maybe then you should post up the next chapter(s) so you can show them exactly what you mean.

Personally, I don't really like it. However, just remember that the people here are not being critical to restrict your creativity.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

How are ANY of them stopping YOU from writing?
You answer that.

Anyway, try and edit it and add some paragraphing...

 

[Astinus]

Author couldn't handle constructive criticism. Now he's gone to spread his creativity elsewhere freely.

He wanted it deleted, but there's no point in that. Thread's closed.