One Winged Angel

[Usul]

Spoiler:

This weakened heart dedicated to you,
Enslaved to your charming body and mind;
These lovestruck feelings are killing me,

I'm always sad when we must apart; period,
Cause we're so far away; distanced,
You're always on my mind, whatever situation i'm in,

You make me smile so easy, when no one else could,
I hate releasing the truth of how I really feel from my heart,
But you're so special to me, so gorgeous; Perfect,

That you're leaving me no choice, to tell you how much I love you,
How many times I've tried to cease my tears from the suffering to look into your eyes,
All I want is to come near to you, holding you never letting go; passionately,

Embrace me like before as we put our lips on each other,
These thoughts are torturing me inside-out,
It makes me leave emotionally dying,

Dear lightning storm, strike me to dead right now if everthing I tell her is untrue,
I met her with my heart in pieces, she restored my life;
With my emotions left undone,

You reveal my strength, my will; breathed life into me,
As my own one winged angel from the sky;
Reviving my broken heart's beat from the cease.
​

 

[KittenCry66]

Ok, your avatar is Snow, so, Final Fantasy fan aswell.
This means a Sephiroth Tribute?
It's good.

 

[Oryx]

Considering it seems like the content is similar to your other poem, I'm going to assume the title/last lines aren't a reference to Sephiroth. :P

It seems like your style changes drastically after the second stanza; the first two are very poetically descriptive, while the rest are more narrative of your emotions. I might change a bit in the first two to match the rest, or add stanzas peppered throughout that imitate that style to make it go throughout the poem instead of just in the beginning.

Another suggestion I have is regarding punctuation. I can tell you were trying to mix it up a bit, but you still stuck to the commas when you didn't want anything else. There's only one period, which means this entire poem is considered one large sentence. There are many points that I could see a period fitting in, to make the poem's punctuation flow better.

I like the way you related the poem's title to the poem itself though. It's always best if the title is understandably connected but without being repeated multiple times in the poem; it gives the title much more opportunity for analysis that way.

Minor grammar nitpicks:
-Line 2: Teasingly can either describe an adjective or an adverb, so you should either change that to "teasing" or add an adjective probably, such as "your teasingly charming body and mind".
-Line 15: Emotionally
-Line 16: "Strike me to dead" should be "strike me dead" I believe.
-Line 18: Cuttened isn't a word. I think you mean "cut" (past tense of cut), but that's not very descriptive so you might be looking for another word.

Those are all minor nitpicks though. :)

 

[Usul]

Didn't had a spellcheck progam at the moment when I was writting this. o,o
Anyways~ I've fixed it up a bid and replaced two words, though.
I'll take your suggestion into my next piece~
Thanks for the feedback again. And yes it changed after the first two lines, that was little the point, but see this piece as a first part of my story.

 

[Bloo]

Well, I agree with what Toujours said; your style changes a lot between the stanzas, and the entire poem could be considered a large run-on sentence because of lack of proper punctuation, which is something that you'll probably want to fix. Other than that, I found the poem to have a good flow, and the dividing of emotions that span multiple lines was done well. To me, it seems like an emotion starts, fades, and another starts and the cycle goes on, which is an effective way to tell a story.

Also, Toujours, I find it ironic that you were reprimanding Usul for his punctuation, but you added an extra comma in that exact paragraph :3.

 

[Oryx]

Also, Toujours, I find it ironic that you were reprimanding Usul for his punctuation, but you added an extra comma in that exact paragraph :3.

orz

Curse you, commas! CUUUUURSE YOUUUUU

Edit: Also, I wasn't trying to reprimand. I didn't mean to come off that way, just trying to give good, complete critique D;