Plea for the Reaper

[Legendarian Mistress]

Plea for the Reaper

A/N: Plea for the Reaper is influenced by my interest in talking animals/humanoid animals. A very big thankies goes out to Fuyu for providing the title of my fic.

Disclaimer: This original story, "Plea for the Reaper", is rated T for mild language and violence/deaths.

*****

PLEA FOR THE REAPER​

A/N: A very BIG thankies goes out to Sgt Shock for providing the description of the peregrine falcon monk, the name for the enemy and the vague description of Sobar.

Prologue: Seeking Revenge

Almost like some sort of angel, he entered the room and light seemed to pour from every crack that it could get through. His keen emerald eyes seemed to glow with this mysticism, this grace unparalleled to anything that she had ever seen before. With him being an avian, feathers were the first thing that caught her attention; black for the top half of his body with the purest white as they progressed down the rest of his body.

Feathers stemmed from his head in layers and swayed around the length of his back as he moved. His talons scraped the ground as he walked causing her ears to fold back in annoyance for the first steps. After a while, it became something of a soothing melody. That was when she knew he was her saviour.

"You have awakened, my child." He folded his arms, which were also his wings. "I thought my spell wouldn't be enough." His voice was soft, but still caring.

"Who are you? And where am I?" Her tone, on the other hand, was a rasping growl. It indicated she felt threatened in this place of healing. The female warrior's gaze shifted to her right where her swords still lay. Her amber eyes returned their glare to the monk, as muscles rippled beneath her spotted yellow-furred pelt. She did not appreciate being brought here and she bared her fangs instinctively.

Her whole feline self was screaming to escape, but something stayed the overwhelming desire to flee. Maybe this monk could tell her what had happened. With that thought in her mind, she picked up and sheathed her swords, before focusing on the monk again.

"I am Elder Pere, and you currently reside in my specialized martial arts centre, which doubles as a medical wing." Pere answered.

"Medical wing...? What? How did you...?" The warrior cat questioned, with a surprised expression on her face.

Pere placed one clawed hand on his patient's shoulder, and looked at her with eyes that seemed to smile. "My dear Kina, you wouldn't remember that your mother was killed by an enemy's ice whip when you were five. I understand that you witnessed your father's untimely passing, struck down by Sobar's arrows. You sustained a mortal wound. However, my abilities were able to bring you back. What will you do now?"

The group that had killed Kina's parents were known as Moonlight Circle. Their aim was to end the lives of any and all individuals who were potential targets. Kina's parents happened to be on the Circle's list, which was unfortunate.

Kina closed her eyes, trying to remember a glimpse of her father's murderer since her mother's was out of reach. Green eyes almost like a predator's were the only thing that came to mind. They were like none that she had ever seen before; mixed with some sort of brown that was in his pupils. Other than that, she couldn't remember what fur he had, or what species he was. All she now knew was his name. "Sobar…" she muttered to herself. For some reason, darkness came to mind when she heard his name.

A fire suddenly ignited in the warrior feline's amber eyes. "I will be ready. I will fight harder. I have been wronged. I couldn't do anything to defend my parents. I will have vengeance on all of those who commit wrongs in this world. From now on, I live for death and will be known as Kina Swordfate!"

 

[OmegaRuby and AlphaSapphire]

I like it so far...is it continuing on...hope it does

 

[Agent Clank]

Thats a Awesome Story :)
I hope it continues cause it has a Very Well Written Story and very good characters.
Keep up the good writing :D

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Not a bad start to a fic that, to me, looks promising. I felt that there were spots where you could have expanded or explained in a different manner, but overall, it was well written. There were some grammatical oddities that I noticed, mostly pertaining to commas, and I'll do my best to point those out to you, as well as offer some suggestions at various points.

Almost like some sort of angel, he entered the room and light seemed to pour from every crack that it could get through.

I felt that this would read better written in the active voice, which would require you to flip the sentence around. It would start with the "He entered..." part rather than the "Almost like an angel..." part.

His keen emerald eyes seemed to glow with this mysticism, this grace unparalleled to anything that she had ever seen before.

I wasn't sure if this was a typo or not, as it could work as either "this" or "his".

black for the top half of his body with the purest white as they progressed down the rest of his body.

I'm confused by this statement. I think it's supposed to describe the color difference between the top and bottom halves of his body, but it reads more like you're describing the black feathers as the purist white.

His talons scraped the ground as he walked, causing her ears to fold back in annoyance for the first steps.

I felt a comma was missing at the spot I indicated.

Her amber eyes returned their glare to the monk, as muscles rippled beneath her spotted yellow-furred pelt.

The comma was unnecessary.

She did not appreciate being brought here, and she bared her fangs instinctively.

This could be written two ways. The first way, which you have written above, would require a comma where I have indicated. The second way would be something like "She bared her fangs instinctively; she did not appreciate being brought here."

With that thought in her mind, she picked up and sheathed her swords, before focusing on the monk again.

The comma I have indicated above interrupts the flow of the sentence.

"I am Elder Pere, and you currently reside in my specialized martial arts centre, which doubles as a medical wing," Pere answered.

At the end of dialog, before you end the quotation tags and write "[name] answered/said/asked/etc.", you should always place a comma instead of a period. If you were to continue with something else, as you did earlier in the fic with, for example, "You have awakened, my child." He folded his arms..., then you would use a period before the end quotation tag. The only exception to that rule would be if you were to end with a question mark or an exclamation mark before continuing with "[name] said/etc.".

The warrior cat questioned, with a surprised expression on her face.

The comma is unnecessary as it adds a rather awkward pause in the flow of the sentence.

"My dear Kina, you wouldn't remember that your mother was killed by an enemy's ice whip when you were five. I understand that you witnessed your father's untimely passing, struck down by Sobar's arrows. You sustained a mortal wound. However, my abilities were able to bring you back. What will you do now?"

This part seemed a bit all over the place. I think if you had Elder Pere explain the things that happened in a few paragraphs with Kina exchanging some dialog with him, then it would be a bit smoother. That way, your readers would be more "eased in" to Kina's background and the events preceding this fic.

The group that had killed Kina's parents were known as Moonlight Circle. Their aim was to end the lives of any and all individuals who were potential targets. Kina's parents happened to be on the Circle's list, which was unfortunate.

This part sort of jumps out of nowhere. In my opinion, it would be better to give your readers this information through dialog. Maybe have Elder Pere describe to Kina who the Moonlight Circle is and their motives for killing Kina's family, or maybe as a flashback of Kina's. The possibilities you have with this are endless.

Green eyes, almost like a predator's, were the only thing that came to mind.

The commas I indicated above separate the non-essential adjective clause from the main clause, which more accurately describes how she saw the eyes.

They were like none that she had ever seen before; mixed with some sort of brown that was in his pupils.

That semicolon should be a comma as a period can't be substituted in correctly there.

A fire suddenly ignited in the warrior feline's amber eyes. "I will be ready. I will fight harder. I have been wronged. I couldn't do anything to defend my parents. I will have vengeance on all of those who commit wrongs in this world. From now on, I live for death and will be known as Kina Swordfate!"

I really liked this. It was a fitting end for the Prologue in my opinion, and it gives us an idea of what may happen in later chapters. It also gives us more of an idea on Kina's character.

So, yeah, all in all, I liked this fic and I hope you continue it. I'll certainly be reading it. I also hope that you take my review as an opportunity to grow and further your writing abilities. We can all use some improvement, after all. :D

Oh, if you have any questions/comments/concerns/etc., feel free to drop me a PM or VM and I'll reply as soon as I can. :D

 

[JX Valentine]

Will get to Apocalyptic Dawn soon. This is mostly just to get me back into reviewing.

Almost like some sort of angel, he entered the room and light seemed to pour from every crack that it could get through.

Be careful about commas. They're tricky bastards.

In this case, notice how replacing the "and" with a period gives you two complete sentences? That's an indication that you're actually looking at a compound sentence, so you'll need a comma right after "room." Try this period trick whenever you write conjunctions (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, so) to make sure you're not missing any punctuation. (You do this a few other times in the chapter, so it's a good trick to try.)

Other than that, you begin with very clear description. It's easy to imagine this creature, and the way you describe it (that line about mysticism and grace, starting off by comparing him to an angel, giving us a flash of his emerald eyes) lend him an ethereal quality. My only wonder, though, is how much of this is your description and how much of this is Sgt. Shock's. If it's his, then remember to take a good look at what he's doing. Notice how the audience can get a clear visual in their head of every last detail, and notice how all those details are important for building the mood in the opening of the fic? That's something you really should learn how to do on your own if you ever want to write a fic by yourself and not as a collaboration. (I know you have trouble doing this, so I'm just saying this would be a good way to start learning how to write by yourself.)

If you took an image of his and described it in your own words, then kudos. I'm definitely seeing improvement from the first time I've reviewed you.

"Who are you? And where am I?" Her tone, on the other hand, was a rasping growl. It indicated she felt threatened in this place of healing.

I feel like you can actually do without the sentence about how she's feeling threatened. The reason why is because she's already saying this with her body language. Her voice is in a low growl, and she's looking towards her swords right after this point. That to a reader says that she's uneasy, but she has a reason for not wanting to jump up and slice his head off. So, the sentence ends up being redundant.

With that thought in her mind, she picked up and sheathed her swords, before focusing on the monk again.

Since POB already brought up the comma issues, I'll just leave the rest of this alone and focus on the story.

"I am Elder Pere, and you currently reside in my specialized martial arts centre, which doubles as a medical wing." Pere answered.

This feels a bit awkward as one sentence. One would think that if he's a master, he'd speak simply, whereas tacking on things like "which doubles as a medical wing" usually happens if you're giving someone a tour or a teenager. It just has a casual ring to it, which sort of contradicts his angelic nature. Try separating this into two sentences.

Also, agreed with POB about dialogue.

Pere placed one clawed hand on his patient's shoulder, and looked at her with eyes that seemed to smile. "My dear Kina, you wouldn't remember that your mother was killed by an enemy's ice whip when you were five. I understand that you witnessed your father's untimely passing, struck down by Sobar's arrows. You sustained a mortal wound. However, my abilities were able to bring you back. What will you do now?"

Again, agreeing with POB here. It's just odd that out of nowhere, this stranger is telling her what is essentially the basis of her life story. Not only that, but it seems rather irrelevant. He's not really saying that he tried to bring her parents back. He's just saying they died, and she didn't. On top of that, he's doing it in a way that feels like he's only saying this to tell the reader Kina's backstory.

What really makes this feel out-of-place is the fact that he's a total stranger to her (because he had to introduce himself not too long ago), but she doesn't seem to react to the fact that he just told her vital and potentially sensitive parts of his backstory. I mean, if I was an orphan and if someone came up to me and told me the exact details about how my parents were assassinated, I'd be wondering how he got that information (especially if I was wary enough to be looking at my swords this entire time, too).

And even if I didn't start suspecting him of being part of the group who assassinated my parents, I'd be wondering if he was part of the group who failed at saving them. Which means either way, I'd probably be pissed off. Now, I know that Kina's not me, but even so, there's pretty much no reaction whatsoever here. There's not even really a WTF moment. She's just completely okay with Pere telling her how her parents died, even though she has no idea who he is.

The group that had killed Kina's parents were known as Moonlight Circle. Their aim was to end the lives of any and all individuals who were potential targets.

For no apparent reason? O_o I mean, if you're a villain, you've got to have some kind of motivation, even if it's just because you're completely whacked out of your gourd. Otherwise, it just seems like they kill people for the sake of giving the good guys something to kill back. In other words, it doesn't really give your characters much depth.

Green eyes almost like a predator's were the only thing that came to mind.

Green eyes... like Pere's. Yet, she doesn't suspect him at all.

Not saying that I think Pere killed her folks when it's too early in the game to grasp his characterization. This is just looping back to the no reaction bit I mentioned earlier.

A fire suddenly ignited in the warrior feline's amber eyes. "I will be ready. I will fight harder. I have been wronged. I couldn't do anything to defend my parents. I will have vengeance on all of those who commit wrongs in this world. From now on, I live for death and will be known as Kina Swordfate!"

While I do have to say I like the sudden burst of vengeance (because it says how impulsive this character is), I'm a bit wary because she didn't do anything up until now. She just sort of sat there and didn't react to, well, what she probably should have reacted to. So, it feels like she automatically jumps in and believes this story from this creature she apparently automatically trusts (just because he looks angelic), and that's not exactly a good thing for someone who wants to go out, seeking justice. As in, it feels like she'll automatically want to kill the people who look evil and trust the people who look good without much further questioning, just because, hey, that's what she did with Pere, right? On the one hand, it'd be interesting if she did get manipulated all over the place because of this. On the other, you'll want to be wary that you'll have to avoid creating a fairly predictable fantasy story where the people who look evil are evil if you're going to consider this impulsiveness and gullibility a negative trait.

On top of that, again, a lot of your information about her backstory seemed out of the blue. Now, I'm assuming that she was wounded at the same time as her father. (Which also makes me wonder why she didn't react to the fact that her father was killed. I mean, sure, she wants vengeance on her father's murderers, but think about how you'd react for the first five minutes after realizing your dad's dead.) How did she connect the two attacks to the Midnight Circle, first of all? Did she and her father investigate it? Did Sobar announce who he was working for? What were the last memories Kina had before she found herself in the medical wing? (And I'm not talking about eyes or anything. I'm talking about the last moments before she was hit.) In other words, it feels like you're delivering a lot of backstory, but it also feels like you're not supplying the reader with details Kina would know about her attack.

And why didn't she wonder how Pere managed to get at her if her last memory was of being shot down by Sobar? Wouldn't this all arouse some form of suspicion? I mean, she was looking at her swords at the beginning (and it is established that she doesn't feel comfortable in the medical wing), so she does seem to be a little on the cautious side.

So, to wrap it up, on the positive side, your description is beautiful. You've conjured up a clear image of these characters, and we can get a vague image of the room they're in. On top of that, the story looks pretty interesting because, hey, who can argue with a vengeance quest?

The negative side, however, is that you have to be cautious with your information and with your characterization. Don't have characters react the way you need them to for the sake of the plot. Have them react the way anyone would. Build a personality for them and step into their shoes to figure out how they would feel if, for example, they were told exactly how their parents died. Give them reasonable motivations, not just motivations for the sake of the plot. Finally, with your backstory, be careful about how you present it. Don't info dump. Reveal it smoothly, as POB said, and provide the reader with details the character they're following would logically know.

In all, not too bad, but it really could use some polishing.

 

[Legendarian Mistress]

A/N: I'd like to thank SS for providing the description of Relena.

Chapter 1: Shattered Peace

The members of Moonlight Circle were engaged in combat with each other. There were two individuals, however, who stood apart from their malevolent comrades. Those two were Sobar, the tribal leader of lupine origin, and Thorn — a mercenary. Sobar's muscles rippled as he tested his bow, before lowering his clawed hands and turning to Thorn. Thorn and Sobar often talked about the past, and today was no exception.

"How powerful was that whip of yours fifteen years ago?" Sobar snarled, noting with dissatisfaction the sluggish movements of one of his soldiers. The wolf's pointy ears flattened angrily as he raised his bow once again and shot a warning arrow in the Komodo dragon's direction. Zechs, the red-scaled Komodo, merely turned his reptilian head and leered sardonically at his leader, flicking his tongue out at the same time.

A snort of what seemed like amusement was exhaled swiftly from Thorn's nostrils. "Don't act like you've forgotten. You were there, remember? I have always specialized in that icy whip and freezing magic. That cheetah's mother had not a chance in hell." Thorn was a wildcat, but he didn't stick to the species' nature. Yes, he was a mercenary, but a quietly spoken one at that. His body had black and grey striped fur covering it from the top of his head to the tip of his tail. The wildcat's other weapon was his single-bladed war axe that he used only when situations got out of hand.

"Bloody hell!" Sobar snapped, as he lunged forward and corrected Zechs' battle stance. "Not like that, like this! How many times do I have to show you?!" He tapped the lizard's head hard. "Are there any brains up there at all?!"

Zechs had had enough. He drew his sword, which immediately ignited with flames, and pointed it at Sobar's throat. "You talk big for a wolf, but you're forgetting I'm the tallessst here! I would have left you a long time ago, if you hadn't of ressscued me!" Knowing Zechs' temper, Sobar kept dodging from side to side. "Ssstay ssstill, damn it!"

Mere moments later, Thorn's trademark ice whip cracked the air. "Alright, you two. The both of you need to calm down. Sobar, you know Zechs has a short fuse, so don't provoke him. Zechs, just pay attention to what Sobar shows you, okay?" The wildcat spoke quietly, whilst ready to crack his whip again if either of his work-mates ignored his command.

Sobar growled disagreement, but backed off. Thorn waited, watching as Zechs sheathed his now flameless weapon. Even as that had occurred, the other members of Moonlight Circle witnessed the whole incident. When Sobar noticed the silence, he whirled around and snarled at them: "What are you weaklings just standing there like fish for?! Get back to your training!" They hastily complied, with the memory still etched in their minds for many a day to come.

Thorn faced Sobar after Zechs had returned to his sparring and spoke softly. "Do you think she's gone?"

The wolf turned to the wildcat mercenary and simply shook his head. "Something tells me she's alive," he muttered in a likewise manner.

"Then you didn't succeed?"

"I succeeded, alright. But someone brought her back."

*****

"Relena, I'd like you to please look over Kina, if you don't mind." Pere called out. The martial arts centre had glass windows with timber blinds. These blinds were closed, but the sun's rays were still attempting to peek through.

Being the cousin of the rabbit, a tall, longer-eared creature came over from what she had been doing. Her eyes couldn't be explained in words, they felt as though they were a lost paradox of time and space. They were searching, without her seeing at all. They looked as fragile as glass; she looked as fragile as glass. A smile graced her face that would have looked rather cute if her appearance did not exude a mysterious aura. The hare was a very interesting individual indeed. Silver fur covered her body, her eyes were glazed in a silver shine, and her body was built as though she had never set foot on a battlefield. This was Relena — personal advisor to Pere.

"What is it you want me to do, Elder Pere?" the hare asked calmly. Relena had been blind from birth, yet she used the air currents to see locations and other beings. It didn't matter if there was a breeze or not, she was still able to see. Her left ear half flopped; the muscles in it had been damaged in a previous battle.

"Just check over Kina. She insists she wants to train today, but I don't think she's recovered fully." Pere answered.

"As you wish, Elder Pere," Relena responded. She made her way over to Kina, who was already practicing her agility and sword-fighting techniques. "Kina, please desist while I check you for any remaining injuries."

The female warrior ignored Relena and only reacted when Relena stood in front of Kina's sword that she was about to slash the air with. "I'm perfectly fine!" the cheetah snapped after stopping her sword's action just in time. "I'm physically, emotionally, spiritually and whatever else ready. Get your paws off me! I said I'm fine!"

"Kina, some words of advice," Relena began after nodding at Pere. "Being ready in body, emotion and spirit is not always enough. You must remember that these are highly skilled assassins. You've already died once at their hands; Pere and I are just trying to make sure that it doesn't happen again. To that end, Pere called on one of his former students to be your agent. Ramirez, you may come forward."

A male entered the room dressed entirely in a plain black cape. He had a scarf, jet black like the fall of darkness, wrapped around his neck and flowed to the length of his arms. The creature seemed out of place in the brightly lit room, with massive weights, and a medical wing off to one side. His icy blue eyes flashed mysteriously within his black-furred head.

"Ramirez," Pere welcomed the graduate with a wide smile. "You aren't normally here this early."

"I would not ignore a summons from my former teacher," Ramirez replied smoothly. "But we can not dally here much longer. The crow ripped the sun to pieces." An air of tension was felt throughout the room as Pere and Relena looked at each other, before they both looked at Kina.

"Kina, pack your things. We need to move out now." Pere commanded, keeping his voice level, but strict enough that the cheetah understood the order.

Sensing that something was wrong, Kina dared not disobey the monk's instructions. She immediately packed up her belongings and prepared to move out with the others. "What sort of being is Ramirez?" she asked Relena quietly.

"He's a black panther with knowledge of the earth element," the hare answered. Suddenly, Relena jerked her head upwards and stared sightlessly at the sky. She had heard a flock of common swallows fly off in a panic, and this disturbance worried her. I think... they've found us, she thought. "Ramirez," she called softly. Like freely flowing water, the Black Panther was at the hare's side in no time. A split-second later, he was back beside Pere.

"Pere, they're here," the panther muttered.

"What? How? Were you followed?" the peregrine almost hissed in response.

"I may have been, but I don't know. I wasn't keeping an eye on my surroundings," Ramirez responded.

"You fool. You know that's the most important law of all. Your lack of attention will be the end of one of us," Pere snapped.

Ramirez could vaguely remember the feeling of being watched, but he paid it no heed on his way here. It was more of a cold chill that he felt in the middle of the spring afternoon that caught his attention. He almost loathed the fact that he never properly assessed the situation.

"You have definitely been followed, Ramirez," Relena crossed her arms. "Our enemy is present."

A dagger made of pure ice flew through the air and only barely missed Kina by inches. If it wasn't for Relena's sudden grabbing of her arm, she would have been dead... again. She cringed at the thought.

"You just don't like dying now, do you?"

"That was sloppy, Thorn," Sobar grunted. "Now our cover is blown."

Up until that point, Thorn had used his mastery of ice to reflect the sun's rays in a way to make them almost invisible. Now, since the pre-emptive attack was gone, they were forced to make a move more forcefully. Zechs had to admit, he liked that idea more so than the assassination attempt.

"That girl," Zechs' tongue flicked in and out wildly as he spoke, "mussst die."

"The hare pulled her out of the way, don't blame me!" the wildcat snarled.

"Your excuses never cease to amaze me, Thorn. But we don't have time for bickering," Sobar drew his bow from his back. "The reaper wants a soul back."

"Who are you lot? Why are you here?" Kina growled, drawing her swords.

"Pere, Relena — stand aside!" Ramirez commanded, as he appeared by Kina's side. He crouched down and thrust one clawed hand into the ground.

"I'll take that one," Zechs remarked as he pointed to Ramirez. He looked like too much fun to pass up.

"I want the hare," Thorn crossed his arms. He hated it when his plans were ruined — especially by someone who wasn't even involved.

"I guess that girl is mine then," Sobar licked his chops.

As Ramirez's hand made contact with the ground, dangerously sharp spires of clay shot up out of nowhere, heading straight for the evil trio.

"You think that will work, kid?" Zechs sighed.

The three sprung away in different directions to avoid the spires from coming in contact with their flesh. Thorn countered with a spire of ice of his own to deflect the attack completely.

"Child's play..." Thorn said as he threw several daggers towards the opposing party.

"Don't underestimate me!" the panther snarled. Almost instinctively, the panther stretched his arms sending an earthen tsunami towards the three enemies. It served two purposes; as a clean defence and as a counterattack.

This time, the three were hit by the sudden counterattack. Thorn and Sobar managed to land on their feet after the blow, while Zechs crashed on his back. Almost simultaneously, they wiped the blood from their mouths.

"Interesting. Why don't you let the girl fight on her own, panther...?" Sobar's fangs glistened as he smiled.

"You'll regret having said that," Kina sneered as she blocked one of the wolf's arrows with her swords. She then lunged forward, arcing her right sword down towards the lupine's arm.

"Ah... that is what I am looking for," Sobar said pushing her away with the bow. "But you are out of your league..." Unlike the last few times, it hardly appeared he was drawing an arrow at all. Within seconds, Kina found herself knocking away waves of arrows. They were like wooden strikes of lightning attacking her all at once. Before long, her back was against the wall.

Finally, the barrage of arrows ceased and Kina glanced quickly over at Ramirez and Relena. Relena seemed to be holding her own as she continually dodged from side to side, her actions only serving to infuriate Thorn.

Ramirez seemed to be fairing well against Zechs. They were surprisingly equally matched. But, that wasn't the focus right now. Kina had to know why the barrage of arrows had stopped. Her eyes searched the area as calmly as she could. Where did he go?

"Up here," Sobar spoke upside down from the ceiling. He had dug his claws into the surface allowing him to have his hands free to shoot an arrow that couldn't be blocked so easily. As a precaution, he shot three arrows towards where Kina was — he was sure two was overkill.

Kina's head shot up, her eyes widening as she saw the arrows rapidly approach her. She knew her swords would be only able to block two of them, but what about the third? She hurriedly raised her swords and deflected the first two arrows and then, on impulse, rolled to avoid the last one.

"That was a pretty innovative move, honey." Sobar drew another one of his arrows, yet his attention was diverted when Zechs yelped in pain.

Zechs put as much pressure as he could on the profusely bleeding arm now. Ramirez had ripped open a gash on his arm with his claws, which had drawn an enormous amount of blood. Zechs looked as though he was trying to tough it out; he knew that the blood lost would kill him if he didn't retreat. His teeth almost looked as though they were going to crack with the amount of pressure he was putting upon them.

"Zechs," Sobar released his claws from the ceiling to land on the floor.

"Looks like someone can't take a hit," Thorn mentioned as he jumped back from Relena.

"Ssshut up!" the Komodo hissed, still in pain. "Sssobar, give the damn order!"

Kina, Ramirez and Relena stood protectively by each other as they watched the evil trio flee from Pere's base. When they couldn't be seen anymore, Kina and her companions turned and congratulated one another on the victory. As far as Pere was concerned, however, the happiness would be short-lived. "Since they followed you Ramirez, we have no choice but to move away from here."

 

[nokyo-chan]

This is a really good premise; it's tough to write a good furry story.

You've got some interesting characters with plenty of potential for development, and I'm a huge fan of revenge as a motivator (I'm a bit diabolical XD), so I can't wait to see where this goes.

I would just watch your sentence structure; it's difficult to explain exactly what I mean, and I'm a bit rushed right now, but I'll PM you later.

This is good! Keep writing it!

 

[Fuyu]

Uh quick screw up cause I think you skipped a chapter. Everyone else covered where I was going to go with things so good luck. I'm currently excited for this.

 

[Legendarian Mistress]

I'd like to thank nokyo-chan and Fuyu for their comments. Especially Fuyu for pointing out a major mistake. Here we go with the REAL Chapter 2...

A/N: I'd like to thank Fuyu for the name of the Borzoi, Baikai.

Chapter 2: New Day, Old Wounds

"That panther will die! I ssswear it upon my allegiance to Moonlight Circle!" Zechs hissed the next day as the medic, a battle-scarred stoat, did his best to put a bandage on the wound. "Nobody ssscarsss me and getsss away with it!"

"Put him to sleep, I grow tired of listening to him complain." A new, unknown voice stated.

Surprised, the medic glanced up and saw one of the group's best warriors standing nearby fitted in his trademark battle armour. Of the soldiers, Zechs was indeed the tallest. But this new warrior was no ordinary soldier; he was, in fact, Sobar's second-in-command. With bear blood running through his veins, he towered over even Zechs.

The stoat fumbled with the anaesthetic-filled syringe when he remembered the warrior's position and hastily jabbed the Komodo who was still ranting and cursing the panther who had wounded him.

"What brings you to this area, Sunstrike?" the stoat lowered his head in respect, before questioning his leader's commanding officer.

Silence fell upon the woodland as Zechs succumbed to the effects of the anaesthetic. A few more moments passed before Sunstrike answered the medic. "Sobar suggested I do the rounds before seeking out the opposition. What was the lizard going on about anyway?" It was only known by Sobar, but Sunstrike preferred to keep his status as a pure-blood lightning user, that he really disliked mixing with the inferior-breeds.

"A panther with knowledge of the earth element wounded him," the medic replied. "But don't worry too much. Zechs is always out for revenge when he gets injured; it doesn't matter whether it is a team-mate or an enemy."

Sunstrike sniffed haughtily. "I see," was all that he said. The red-furred polar bear made as if to leave, but stopped and half-turned to face the stoat. "Has Sobar informed you that Baren hasn't been seen for a number of months?"

"Baren?" the stoat's expression was of confusion as he scratched his head, trying to remember.

"Doberman Pinscher, trained assassin; Baren mysteriously disappeared after his brother was killed." The bear, with a white patch of fur on his head, replied. "No? I guess Sobar didn't think too highly of Baren, then, if you don't know."

"... Doberman? Oh, I remember now!" the medic exclaimed. "The last I heard of him he was heading north."

"North, huh?" Sunstrike rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Thanks for the information." I'll be sure to pass that onto Sobar. Heading north meant he was seeking shelter with Argent Unit... Sobar will be pleased to sink his fangs into this juicy piece of information.

*****

Since Sobar, Thorn and Zechs had fled Pere's martial arts centre the day before, it had taken Kina and her companions the whole time to reach the headquarters of Argent Unit. The soldiers of Argent Unit stood for justice and harmony and were prepared to fight to the death with Moonlight Circle.

Argent's leader was Major Albin. There was a certain oddity about the first time you met with Major Albin. A flowing white mane trailed his every step and covered his eyes entirely. The hair on his skin was something of a light cream colour — a well kept coat that he proudly stated to anyone that gave him a compliment. Behind the veil of his mane were those aquamarine eyes which seemed to take in light and make it increasingly beautiful.

Any light that didn't have the chance to touch those irises would envy the rays that did. He wasn't the largest of creatures despite being a horse, yet he could be considered tall. He towered above almost anyone that he had met in his life, but no one could say that they were intimidated by him. Albin possessed a serene detachment. He would drop his thoughts in mid-conversation from time to time just to absorb his own thoughts. He could carry full conversations without a single soul in sight. Probably the most noticeable trait of his is the unbreakable day-dreaming. Once he started, it was like prying a shark away from a meal.

"Ramirez…" he spoke wonderingly. "Who is that with you? I don't recognize that face…"

The Black Panther took one step forward in the surveillance room and bowed in respect. "Major Albin, this is Kina. She is a warrior cheetah who is being targeted by Moonlight Circle, having already died once at their paws. It was Pere who brought her back and who suggested we make for your stronghold."

There was dead silence, enough to consume a conversation and shred it within its teeth, as a new figure looked up from some CC TV footage. Speaking of shredding, the commanding officer's teeth seemed like they were made to do that exact job. His claws were surprisingly long for a dog, yet they seemed to fit him quite nicely. Rugged for his breed, the German Shepherd's dark brown fur appeared to be ruffled with the whiteness of his stomach tinged with grey. Fear would instil itself in anyone's heart that had to come in contact with those sunset-like gold eyes. His name was Garland, a fitting name for a warrior such as himself.

"Who are you?" Garland barked, turning his head. Kina couldn't help but notice the right ear. The end of the brown ear was torn completely off. It appeared to have been that way for some time. She gulped a bit. "If you don't tell me who you are, I'm going to hurt you…"

He was large and slightly intimidating. Did he honestly expect people to say something to him when he could fit many of those people in his mouth? She needed to muster courage up for this discussion… a lot of it.

"Did you not just hear me, Garland? I said..." Ramirez began, but trailed off when Garland's canine face shoved itself at Ramirez's feline one and the German Shepherd growled.

"One thing you need to learn, laddie, is that I don't tolerate back-chatting."

"Leave him alone." Kina spat, as her tail twitched angrily.

Garland glared at the female cheetah that had disrespected him, as he pulled away from the Black Panther's face. I'm a commanding officer; I shouldn't have to put up with lowly-ranked cats disrespecting me. He narrowed his eyes and bared his teeth as his top lip curled.

It took Ramirez only a couple of seconds to realize what Garland intended to do. As the Shepherd's glistening fangs neared Kina, Ramirez put his life on the line and jumped in front of her. The Panther and Shepherd struggled momentarily, but Garland only backed away when he was called to check on Lucia who was resting in the medical wing.

"Ramirez!" Kina cried. She hurried forward two steps and crouched beside the wounded agent.

There was a piercing silence as the Black Panther closed his eyes and got his breath back. Opening his eyes, he told Kina that he would be fine, as he rose to his clawed feet. He swayed briefly and Kina supported him quickly. As the warrior cheetah looked up into Ramirez's icy blue eyes, the heart that she had hardened due to the deaths of her parents shattered and her own eyes showed a concerned expression. "Garland gave you a pretty nasty bite to the neck. Maybe you should go to Argent's medical wing yourself?" she questioned, stroking the other side of Ramirez's neck.

"... I'll... be... fine..." Ramirez's laboured breathing stopped, as he blacked out and collapsed to the ground.

When two Argent Unit soldiers came and took the wounded Panther away, Kina seemed to be struggling with her emotions as she touched Ramirez one last time before he was whisked away. "Ramirez," she whispered longingly.

Kina felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked over to see yet another dog commander standing proudly beside her. Much calmer than the first one that she had met, this dog seemed to be almost royalty. Long white fur fell from his body like still-lying curtains over a window. Blue eyes shone from underneath his sunglasses as he gave a smile towards the cheetah. Unlike Garland, when he showed his teeth it was in a smile… not in a fear-inducing intention. She could feel herself almost calming down to his level.
"Ah… you must be a new recruit," the dog took her hand suddenly. He kissed it calmly. "I'm Baikai, one of the Canine Commanders."

"Pleased to meet you," Kina gave a half smile. Did it suddenly get hotter?

"Enjoy your stay, my dear," Baikai said as he swept his fur back smoothly. "I see talent in you. I feel like we are going to be meeting in the future. So I suppose this is a see you later instead of a goodbye."

As quickly as he came, the white prince-like commander disappeared into the distance. Before she knew it, all she could see was the white trench-coat and the back of the Borzoi's wide brim hat.

*****

Baikai stood in front of his leader, Major Albin, and went through the report he was preparing to give in his head. He had been doing a patrol of Argent's territory, when Lucia the Russian Blue came rushing up to him. She insisted that they both head back to the castle-like fortress immediately as one of Moonlight Circle's elite was coming. But as they hurried back, a giant bear — red in colour with a white patch of fur on his head — appeared and sent a lightning bolt straight at Lucia. Baikai managed to get Lucia away, but not before her blood-curdling scream entered his ears.

"This bear..." Albin spoke softly. "I suppose that he has some mysterious agenda planned for us. No?"

"The bear can be a problematic one," Baikai tapped the side of his forehead. "By the control of his element and raw battle aptitude, he's a pretty high member. We will need to tread with caution, sir."

"A high ranked member?" Albin played with the end of his mane a bit. "Would he be more dangerous than those other three?"

An Argent soldier had stood near the equine leader since entering Albin's private room with Baikai. Of the Saluki breed, the dark-furred male whispered a string of words in Albin's ear before leaving.

"I believe he is far stronger than they that you speak of, sir." Baikai half-lowered his head in a mark of respect. Raising it, he saw that Albin had gestured with his hand, indicating he was dismissed.

The Argent soldier of Saluki origin had informed Major Albin of Garland's attack on Ramirez. Subsequent to receiving the information, Albin had dismissed Baikai in order to plan an appropriate punishment for the German Shepherd. While all of this was happening, Sunstrike had been watching the events unfold from afar. What did he have planned for Argent Unit?

 

[Strikit]

I see a lot of promise here. You have a very descriptive writing style. I would suggest, however, that you meld description with storytelling more smoothly, however.

Pere placed one clawed hand on his patient's shoulder, and looked at her with eyes that seemed to smile. "My dear Kina, you wouldn't remember that your mother was killed by an enemy's ice whip when you were five. I understand that you witnessed your father's untimely passing, struck down by Sobar's arrows. You sustained a mortal wound. However, my abilities were able to bring you back. What will you do now?"

The group that had killed Kina's parents were known as Moonlight Circle. Their aim was to end the lives of any and all individuals who were potential targets. Kina's parents happened to be on the Circle's list, which was unfortunate.

You might try to blend that a bit more. Since in the very next chapter you make it obvious that the Moonlight Circle killed her parents, some of that might be a bit unnecessary.