POKEMON: AN AUSTRALIAN EPIC

[firelight_fox]

Chapter 1
A Prodigy

Living in rural Australia is tough, especially for a young boy aspiring to be a pokemon master. Forest a fourteen year old farm boy who wants more than anything else to go off on his own pokemon journey.
But thats a little hard when your the only child living on a farm, home is where he is needed....

'Forest get up' came a voice from downstairs, 'Go do your chores then come get some breakfast'.
'Yes mum', Forest mumbled as he pulled on his clothes.

Half asleep Forest dragged himself out of bed and down to the family room.
His mother was waiting for him in the doorway of the kitchen, she was quite strict but very fair, she thought the world of Forest.
Today she wore her usual Sunday best which was a blue floral dress, she would be entertaining company today, but who Forest didn't know, he just wanted to get to work.

'Morning honey, your father is out in the shearing shed starting up, you should get out there'. She finished the sentence sternly.

Forests father was a very gruff person and a hard person to get along with, but when Forest did what he was told and did his chores, his dad had all the time in the world for him.

Forest headed outside into the chilly morning air, the Mareep in there pen moved around anxiously awaiting shearing.
He could hear the Miltank in their barn conversing in their own way.

As Forest made his way to the old shearing shed he shook his head and smiled as he saw his fathers tool shed, surrounded by old rusted tractor pieces.
His mother had been at his father for months to get rid of all that junk,
But dad just couldn't part with them, "what if we need them one day", he would say.

"He finally wakes up". said his father in an annoyed voice.

"C'mon boy, lets get to it". His father handed him a bucket and a stool and motioned towards the Miltank.


Every morning without fail he would milk the Miltank, help his father shear the Mareep, on this occasion Forest found that one of the Mareep had evolved into a Flaffy which meant they had to sell it in town, because Flaffy
don't produce enough wool.
Then he and his father fed all the pokemon on the farm, It was tiring work with so many pokemon to take care of.

On the way back to the house Forest noticed a Vulpix trying to get into the barn.
'Hey', Forest whispered bending down to the vulpis. 'If dad catches you again he's going to be mad, you better get out of here'. Forest hand fed the vulpix some pokemon food he used to feed his mothers Persian. 'Now get'.
The Vulpix ran towards the back of the farm, not without giving forest one last appreciative look.

He and his father headed back to the farmhouse.
'Did you get all of your chores done?' asked Mum as they entered. 'Yep', said Forest yawning.
'Good job this morning mate'. Said dad.
'No sign of that Vulpix.' He added. 'Oh well maybe tomorrow'. Replied his mother.

The phone started ringing and dad answered it in the other room.
He wasn't gone very long, when he returned he had a smile on his face.'Forest your cousin is coming to stay with us for a while he will be here on thursday'.
'Okay cool at least i'll have someone to talk to', Forest replied. His fathers grin grew even bigger. 'You see he's going to stay here to help with the chores, Daren will be taking your jobs'. Forest looked up at his father perplexed.

'We weren't going to say anything until we knew everything was sorted out, your mother and I have been thinking, it isnt fair to keep you here when you could be out following your dream'.

Forest was catching on. 'We have already sent away for your trainers liscence and your first pokemon, because the Willow research lab is so far away they sent you a pokemon rather than you having to go and collect it'.

'Oh my god'. forest jumped a into the air 'Thanks dad'. he gave his father a big hug.
'This is all so sudden, what pokemon am i getting?'. 'We know how much you like grass pokemon so we got you a Bulbasaur'. his mother smiled at him.

This was it, he was going to be a pokemon trainer he would travel and catch many pokemon. That night he packed his back with clothes and essentials. The next day his pokemon trainers liscence and his Bulbasaur would arrive.

He didn't get much sleep that night, and didn't notice the Vulpix watching him through the window. He still managed to get up and make an early start the next morning, and he waited patiently near the mail box, Vulpix watching from a distance. He wasn't waiting long when the mailman suddenly arrived with a large package.

He ran it into the house and opened it in front of his family. Its contents were; a pokedex, (a pokemon encyclopedia)
his trainers liscence, and some extra poke'balls (tools for catching pokemon). Last was a smaller package he opend it with anticapation. It was another pokeball, but this one was hevier than the others, his bulbasaur was in there. Without waiting he opened the pokeball and the plant pokemon came out and looked up at Forest.

It was cautious at first until he bent down and patted it, Bulbasaur smiled and jumped up at Forest. While he and Bulbasaur where getting aquainted his father went out to feed the Miltank.

'THAT DARN VULPIX!' shouted his father. Forest ran outside Bulbasaur at his stride.
His father was chasing it with a broom. 'Wait!' called Forest. He looked down at his Bulbasaur.

'Use tackle on that Vulpix'. Bulbasaur obeyed. In return the Vulpix let out a small ember, Bulbasaur dodged it. 'Now Bulbasaur use sleep powder!'

A small cloud of spores erupted from the bulb on its back and surrounded vulpix.
The fox fire pokemon fell to the ground asleep. 'Okay!' Shouted forest. 'Poke'ball go!'
He threw one of the extra pokeballs at Vulpix and Vulpix went inside.

It shuddered for a moment and stopped. A large grin spread across forests face and he picked up the poke'ball containing vulpix. Forest attatched the ball to his belt and turned to Bulbasaur 'We make a great team'. Bulbasaur smiled in agreement, Forests parents were applauding in the backround.

Forest left the farm he was raised on an walked on towards adventure.

TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

[jb0000612]

Oy, mate! Looks like one a' those good Pokemon fics! Keep a-writin', mate!

 

[firelight_fox]

POKEMON: AN AUSTRALIAN EPIC-Chapter two

Chapter two
The road to nowhere?


The road just seemed to go on forever, the sun gleamed and burned the back of Forests neck.
Forest, a fourteen year old boy just starting out on his journey.
His feet were aching, his bones hurt, he had been travelling for days
to get to his first destination, the town of Greenhorn.

He wiped the sweat off his forehead, his bright blue eyes glistened
In the sunlight, and his messy black hair kept getting in his face.
He looked back and then onward they both looked the same, a long stretch of rocky dirt road and deep bush on either side.

His thoughts wandered back to his home, a giant farm rich with crops and pokemon as far as the eye can see. The farmhouse would be filled with the smell of his mothers cooking by now. And his cousin Darren would be finishing off chores that were meant for him.

Forest looked down at his belt he had two pokemon; Bulbasaur, a small plant pokemon with a bulb on its back, and a Vulpix, a fox pokemon with red fur and many tails.
He hadn't caught a single pokemon since Vulpix.
Pokemon trainers can carry up to six pokemon with them.

'I haven't seen a single pokemon in days'. He thought glumly.
Not only that he was running out of food, he needed to get supplies soon
Or he and his pokemon would starve starve.

It was getting darker, stars were just starting to come out. He would have to set up camp for the night, it would be too dangerous to walk on in the dark.

Forest was just about to get his pitch-tent out when he was blinded by a bright light and a loud rumbling.

'Forest, is that you mate?' the loud rumbling was coming from a rusty old ute. Forest cautiously approached the vehicle.
He breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who was driving it.
It was his neighbour Mr. Quarie a middle aged man with a gruff voice and unusually white hair for his age.
'Your father told me you was on a journey with pokemon. I'm heading into town to sell your fathers Flaffy'.
Forest looked in the back of the ute and found the Sheep pokemon he found had evolved the other day'.
'You look like you've been through the mill', said Mr. Quarie looking at Forests ripped shirt and jeans.
'Quick, jump in I'll take you into town'.
'Thank you, Sir'. Said Forest and he clambered in the passenger seat.
'Things are finally looking up for me'. Thought Forest and he smiled.

The drive took about three hours Forest was getting very tired, he knew when they got to Greenhorn he could stay at the local Pokemon Centre, a clinic for sick and injured pokemon, which is also a place to stay for travelling trainers.

Forest watched the trees go by out the window, and saw the a couple of owl pokemon Hoothoot. He thought of how badly he needed to capture more pokemon. Suddenly Mr. Quarie slowed down and frowned out of the window.
In the gleam of the headlights Forest noticed why Mr.Quarie had stopped.
Lying on the side of the road was a pokemon, it didn't seem to be moving.

Forest jumped out of the ute quickly and ran over to the pokemon.
It was a small Squirtle, a turtle pokemon. After closer inspection the squirtle seemed to have been run over, and had been moved off the road.
Anger built up inside Forest.

'Is it okay?' Called Mr. Quarie, who was just getting out of the car.
'Do you have a blanket? Its still breathing, we have to get it to a pokempn centre'. Called Forest.
Mr. Quarie reached into the back of the ute and pulled out a red blanket, then handed it to forest.

Forest wraped the small pokemon up in the blanket,and held it close to his chest.
They hurried back into the car.
Wrapped up in the blanket the Squirtle was shivering.

'We have to get to the pokemon centre in Greenhorn, quick!' Said Forest desperately.
Mr. Quarie Nodded his agreement, and drove fast into the night.

It wasn't too long before Forest saw the road turn from dirt and rocks to asphalt. They had arrived in Greenhorn.
'The Pokemon Centre isn't too far from here, we'll be there in about two minutes'. Said Mr. Quarie, who was just as worried about the Squirtle as Forest was.
As they drove further into the city the buildings got bigger and the streets got noisier.
A giant "P" on a building was visible in the distance.
They reached the building and hurried inside.

They were greeted by a young woman behind a desk who took Squirtle Immediately.
The woman was really pretty, with shoulder length blonde hair and green eyes. She Introduced herself as Nurse Emily. Forest explained how they found the Squirtle.

'I'll do what I can'. She told them and she rushed off in the opposite direction.
'Look mate, I've got to get that Flaffy over to the Auction House'. Said Mr. Quarie.
'Call your parents and let them know where you are and how your doing'.
Forest nodded, and watched Mr. Quarie leave the centre.

He found the waiting room and sat down he let his Bulbasaur and Vulpix out of their poke'balls.
More for comfort than anything else.
Bulbasaur laid at his feet, while Vulpix curled up on his lap.
He stroked Vulpix unconsciously, thinking of what would become of the Squirtle.

TO BE CONTINUED!!

 

[Grovyle42(Griff8416)]

Its pretty good so far. It could use some grammar and description touch ups though.

 

[Astinus]

My review is going to be much longer and perhaps more criticizing than what you have received previously.

You have a fic taking place in Australia. On the plus side, it's a new place for readers to travel through with your character. On the down side, this also means that you should take the time to describe more of the setting as it is unfamiliar to readers. I have never been to Australia, so it's up to you to tell me what the country looks like through the eyes of Forest.

A rather large problem that you have is grammar. Noticeable in chapter two especially, you have random line breaks in between sentences. So I would be reading along
and all of a sudden, the same sentence
is broken up
into different lines.
Annoying, neh? When typing, just let the lines go where they need to, and only press "Enter" twice to create a new paragraph.

Yes, twice you have to press "Enter". It just makes it easier to read. Create a new paragraph whenever someone new talks, or when you have a rather long-ish paragraph of description.

Don't forget to read through and check for typing errors! Many times, you didn't capitalise your main character's name. Proper nouns are always capitalised, and names of people are proper nouns.

There's also the confusion of homophones, words that sound the same but mean different things. "Your" is possessive: "your fic". "You're" is a contraction for "you are": "You're writing a fic". Homophones are difficult to keep straight. Just keep learning and keep practicing. Ask for help as well.

To correctly learn how to do dialogue, just read this thread. It explains dialogue better there than I could here.

That's all I'm going to leave you with for now. There's more for me to say, but I don't want you to try to improve everything at once. Just focus on the grammar and description. Read the thread that I linked you to, along with this one. And, as always, double-check the rules.

Good luck!

 

[firelight_fox]

Pokemon: An Australian Epic chapter three

CHAPTER #3
TO BE A MASTER


Forest awoke the next morning in the Greenhorn pokemon centre boys dorm,
he looked around, and the trainers he was sharing the dorm with were all waking up and getting dressed.

The clock on the wall opposite told him it was 7:30,
Forest wanted to see how Squirtle was doing, so he had to make a move.

He got changed quickly and looked around the room, he came in very late last night and was unable to see the room properly in the darkness.

Two three story bunk-beds stood on each side of the room, a desk stood under a widow between the two bunks, the walls were painted a baby blue, it gave forest a calming feeling.


He quickly gathered his belongings and put on his trainers belt, containing his Bulbasaur and Vulpix.

Forest walked swiftly towards the door but was stopped by a young boy with sandy-blonde hair, he looked the same age as forest but held himself with a little more confidence.

"Hey kid, what's the rush?" said the trainer with a slight smirk.

"How about a warm-up battle before breakfast? My names Tyler"

Forest shook the boys hand and introduced himself, this would be his first battle the very thought made him excited. "This will be my first battle". Forest admitted, as they walked out into the chilly morning air.

"Everyone starts somewhere". Said Tyler, although he sounded a little less enthused.

"One on one, how does that sound?' Asked Tyler.

"No problem". Said Forest, his confidence growing as much as his excitement was.

"Go, Turtwig!" Called Tyler, as he threw a poke'ball and a small turtle-like pokemon
with small twigs growing on its head came out.

Forest knew this was a grass pokemon, he knew all about them, he studied them at home immensely, and knew what pokemon he would use.

"I choose you, Vulpix". Yelled Forest and his trusty firefox came out of its poke'ball with a menacing look at the Turtwig.

Tyler called on his Turtwig to use tackle, but Vulpix was able to evade.

"Vulpix, give it an ember attack!" Called Forest, and Vulpix shot a rain of small balls of fire at Turtwig, it hit its mark.

Expecting the Turtwig to go down Forest cheered,
But the little grass turtle got up looking unscathed.

"Time to end this, Turtwig finish with razor leaf!" Called Tyler.

Forest could only watch in disappointment as his Vulpix tried to dodge attack after attack of green blades.

Finally the attack hit with incredible force, as it threw Vulpix metres back,
it collapsed in a heap, unable to continue.

Forest called Vulpix into its poke'ball, and shook Tylers hand reluctantly.

"Don't take it to hard mate, your only a rookie after all, and I do have a badge".
Said Tyler with a grin.

"You have a badge?" Asked Forest eagerly

When a trainer collects eight official pokemon league badges from
Certified trainers known as gym leaders they gain entry into the pokemon League
Regional Competition.
Badges can only be obtained by beating a gym leader in a pokemon battle.

"Yep". Said Tyler his grin growing wider, "I got the 'Shadow Badge' from
Advent Valley, the next town over ha".

"Anyway, I'm off, maybe we'll have a rematch one day". Said Tyler walking out of sight into the city.

Forest went into the pokemon centre and had breakfast in the brightly lit cafeteria, Wheet-Bix with a side of vegemite toast. He had his heart set, he was going to Advent Vally to get his first badge, and he was goin to train up his Bulbasaur and Vulpix.
Just as soon as Squirtle was okay…….

Forest just finished of his breakfast and was taking his Vulpix for
Healing, when Nurse Emily approached him.

"Squirtle has woken up, you can go see it now". She said with a smile.

Without a word he ran to the recovery room.
Squirtle beamed at him as he entered. The room was set for water pokemon
Squirtle was wading in a small pool in the corner of the room happily splashing about.
Forest sat down next to the small tank, and patted its head.
It jumped out and hugged forest tightly.

"Thank goodness your alright". Said Forest with a laugh. "I was so worried".

Nurse Emily entered the small room.
"You ran off so fast I couldn't talk to you about what should happen with Squirtle".
Forest looked at her perplexed.

"Our options are, we send Squirtle to the Willow Research Facility, in Wallflower, or-"

"I like that idea, I'm a big fan of Professor. Willow". Forest placed Squirtle back in the tank, and got on his feet.

"I'd prefer it go with you, it needs a good trainer to care and love it".

Forest liked that idea a lot better and Squirtle showed it agreed by jumping his arms.

"Do you want to go with me Squirtle?" Asked Forest beaming.
Squirtle nodded.

Forest put Squirtle in a poke'ball, and attached it to his belt and exchanged
A smile with nurse Emily.

Forest was all set, he had his pokemon, his supplies, and a fresh sence
Of confidence.
Until he was confronted by a girl with bright brown hair.
She wore a denim jacket with a pink tank top and a mini denim skirt.
She was holding a blue egg.

"So you must be Forest". She said with a smirk.

 

[firelight_fox]

CHAPTER FOUR
COUNTING YOUR EGGS


Forest didn't say anything, he just looked at her. To him, she was a vision of beauty,
A majestic Milotic. Her eyes a magnificent bright green, her hair a chestnut brown that-

"What are you staring at? Are you deaf or something". She scowled.
The beauty was gone.

"Are you Forest Callum, or what?" She said, a little louder this time.

"Y-yeah, that's me". He eyed her suspiciously.

"I'm Roxy, I'm one of Professor Willow's research assistants, I was suppose to look for you and give you this, go on take it".
She handed Forest a large blue egg and a letter. This was a little strange, was this girl
on the up and up? He read the letter:

Dear, Forest Callum,
I have a request I would like to ask of you.
My assistant would have given you an egg, it contains a Riolu.

Forest looked up. "Whats a Riolu?"
"Just hurry up and finnish". Said Roxy impatiently.

Riolu are not native to Australia and are very rare.
I have been asked by the Australian government to introduce this
Pokemon into our country, as they have a very positive impact in any ecosystem.
Before I can introduce these pokemon into the wild, I must study how the Riolu
react to our environment, that's where you come in.
Please take this egg, hatch it, and raise it, it is yours.
All I ask in return is that I am able to study the Riolu as it ages.
Please contact me on the number below so we can discuss the situation.
Good luck on your journey.
Yours sincerely, Professor. David M. Willow.

Forest re-read the letter a couple of times to let the information sink in.
Roxy was waiting for his reaction.
"So…. Are you going to contact the Professor? I'm in a bit of a hurry here".
"Uh….yeah, theres a telephone in the pokemon centre".

Together the two of them walked to the centre.
Forest had never met a girl like this before she was loud, and very annoying.
Forest sat down at a visual telephone and dialled the number from the letter.
The phone seemed to ring for ages, then finally someone answered.
Roxy pushed her face in front of the screen and nearly nocked Forest off his chair.

"Hey Professor, this is the kid you wanted me to find". Said Roxy.
"Very good, hello Forest, what do you think of my proposal?" Asked Professor Willow.

Forest pulled himself together from being pushed aside.
"I'll do it, Professor". Said Forest

"Excellent, hows my old Bulbasaur doing, can I see?"
Forest groped at his belt for Bulbasaurs pokeball, and let it out.
He held Bulbasaur up for the Professor to see.

"How many battles has Bulbasaur been in? He doesn't look very different".
Forest's face went bright red and Roxy laughed.
"Never mind that now, I have something else to tell you two.
I have received an urgent message and I must head for America".

"I'm coming, right Professor?" asked Roxy hopefully.
"I'm afraid this is something I must do myself, Roxy". Replied the Professor.

"I guess I have to look after all the pokemon at the lab then". Said Roxy.
"No, that's already taken care of I have a different assignment for you".
Roxy looked at the Professor curiously.
"While I'm out of the country you will be monitoring the Riolu,
and studying it".

Her face fell and she looked at Forest.
"You want me to go with, him".

A loud crash came from behind Professor Willow.
"I must be going, good luck you two". Said professor Willow and he was gone.

Roxy turned to Forest.
"Great, now I'm stuck with you". She groaned.

"Hold on a second". Said Forest loudly, his anger rising.
"Do you think I want, you to come along",

But Roxy was not listening, she was looking at Bulbasaur.
She picked it up examined it carefully and then put it down.
"How long have you been with this Bulbasaur?" She asked.
"About a week and a half". Replied Forest.

"We should Battle". Said Roxy reaching in her bag for a pokeball.
"You're a trainer?" Asked Forest sceptically.

"As a matter of fact I am, do you want a battle or not?" She said getting annoyed.

They left the pokemon centre, and headed out of the Greenhorn city limits to the
Entrance to a forest. It looked so beautiful, the Eucalyptus trees dominated the mulberry trees by many numbers. It seemed a path was running through it.

"I have already battled here before, it's a good place to practice". Said Roxy looking around.

Forest really wanted Bulbasaur to get stronger so he started with his trusty grass type.
"Excellent". Said Roxy loudly, and she called upon Kangaskhan.

Forest knew very well what a Kangaskhan was, but couldn't resist looking it up
in his pokedex.
" Kangaskhan, the parent pokemon. It raises its young in its pouch,
and is very maternal, it will protect its young with its life, this marsupial pokemon
Is found most commonly in Australia".

"Hurry up kid!" shouted Roxy.

"Alright!" Shouted Forest. "Bulbasaur, Use Tackle".

Bulbasaur charged at the Kangaskhan and hit it with extreme force,
causing it to loose its ground and fall.
Roxy didn't seem to expect this much power from Bulbasaur, and retaliated by calling on kangaskhan to use its mega punch.
Bulbasaur was thrown several feet in the air, it landed hard on the grass.

"Bulbasaur, get up mate c'mon". Pleaded Forest as the heavy marsupial pokemon ran towards it, with a body slam.

Thinking quickly, Forest told Bulbasaur to use Stunspore.
Out of Bulbasaurs bulb came a cloud of paralysis causing dust, which surrounded Kangaskhan.
It was stunned but only momentarily.
"A pokemon can sometimes still attack when paralysed!" Called Roxy laughing.
Kangaskhan continued its attack on Bulbasaur.
"Bulbasaur, get out of the way". Called Forest, but something weird happened to bulbasaur's bulb.
Two large vines grew out of it, and struck Kangaskhan hard, stopping it in its tracks.
"That's a vine whip!", Cheered Forest . "He learned vine whip".
Bulbasaur continued its vine whip, and kangaskhan was taken down.

Forest cheered, it was his first win. He picked up Bulbasaur and huged it.
"You did a great job mate". Bulbasaur licked his face in reply.

"I shouldn't have gone easy on you". said Roxy calling back her Kangaskhan.

"Noway. I won fair and square". retorted Forest.

"Whatever". Said Roxy with malice. "Lets get going, Advent Valley is just through Eucalypt forest, theres a gym there". She motioned towards the forest in front of them.

They continued arguing as they travelled into the lush forest….

Meanwhile, not too far behind Forest and Roxy, walking in the shadows of the trees was a man in pitch black clothes, and dark sunglasses with an odd symbol on his shoulder. He watched them closely as they walked. He then put a mobile phone to his ear.

"The egg is in their possession, there heading into the forest…."


Who is that dark man?
What was the emergency in America?
Why did Professor willow give Forest that egg?
Is this writer getting any better?

The answers to these and more next time, or the time after that or......

TO BE CONTINUED!!
__________________
PSYDUCK LOOKS LIKE A PLATYPUSS!!!

 

[firelight_fox]

CHAPTER FIVE
THE VIEL


"We're lost aren't we". Said Roxy starting to get very annoyed.

"We are not lost". Said Forest, "if we keep going north we will eventually reach Advent Valley". He explained looking at his map.

"And which way is north"? Asked Roxy coldly.

"It's always towards the sun right?" Said Forest.

"AHHHGH, you are utterly hopeless". Roxy shrieked.
"We have been walking for hours, following the stupid sun?"

"Well I don't see you helping". Forest said with a scowl.

"You are a complete moron". Roxy said as she snatched the map off him.

They walked on in silence. The trees in the Eucalypt forest seemed to be growing closer together, making it hard for the sunlight to get through. Many pokemon had made their homes in these trees they saw a family of Dunsparce, a pair of fighting Mankey and many spearow. The sound of gushing water reached their ears.

"Can you hear that?" Asked Forest
Roxy nodded.

They ran towards the sound of the gushing water.
It was a huge crystal clear lake, with a mountainous waterfall that seemed like it went on forever. Fish pokemon, Magikarp could be seen falling down it. The trees surrounding the lake were very green and healthy, many berries grew from them.

They were so tired from walking, so they decided to take a break.
Forest took his egg from his backpack, cleaned it and made sure it was warm and secure.
Both Roxy and Forest let out their pokemon to feed them and give them fresh air.

"Wow, you have a Charmeleon?" Said Forest in awe.

"Yep he was my first pokemon, weren't you?" Roxy cooed and kissed her Charmeleon on the head. The charmeleon nuged its head on her leg affectionately.

Squirtle, being a water pokemon did laps in the lake.
Bulbasaur was snoozing with Kangaskhan, and Vulpix and Charmeleon seemed to be having a heated debate, that ended with Vulpix in tears rushing to Forest.

After lunch Roxy decided to join Squirtle for a swim and changed into a bikini behind
a tree. When she emerged Forest didn't know where to look and his face turned bright red.
Roxy noticed this.

"You're an idiot". She said and rolled her eyes.

Forest decided to have a nap. A little way into the forest, he found a nice shady tree,
he got on his back and began to doze with his head on his bag, Vulpix followed and snuggled up next to him.

"AHHHH". Forest woke up with a start, his Vulpix fell off him and gave him a dirty look.
"FOREST". It was Roxy, she was in trouble he needed to get to her.
He picked up his bag and rushed to the lake with Vulpix at his heels.
He found Roxy, a giant scorpion pokemon, Drapion had her pinned to the ground.
Forest hid behind a tree and peeked around, the Drapion was being controlled by a trainer, a large burly man wearing all black, he had a weird symbol on his arm it looked like a "V".

"Your little friend isn't coming". Said the large man, "Now where is the bloody egg?
Tell me or you'll be my Drapion's dinner!"

Roxy just whimpered. Forest was trying to find his other pokemon but they were nowhere in sight. Then he saw what was in the burly guys arms, it was Roxy's bag it held all the
pokeballs that belonged to him and Roxy, he could tell by the way it moved about, his pokemon were trying to get out…
He had only Vulpix, could Vulpix beat an evolved pokemon? A Drapion no less?

Forest took a deep breath, his heart skipped several beats as he walked out from behind the tree.

"LET HER GO!" he yelled sounding more confident than he was.

"Look, it's the knight in shining armour". Said the Drapion trainer with much delight.

"I want that Riolu egg, and if don't get it the girl dies, understand?"

Forest didn't know what to do, or say he had never been this scared in his life.

"B…battle me if you win you can take the egg".

This guy may be a psyco but if he was a real trainer he wouldn't be able to resist a challenge
Forest thought or rather hoped.

"Sounds like fun, but you see I have all your pokemon". He laughed.
"Not all". Forest replied and Vulpix appeared at his heels.

Roxy did not look relieved.
"Are you kidding me, you're going to battle this jerk?"

"Shut up girl". Growled the dark trainer.

"lets go!" He yelled and called on drapion's poison sting.
Roxy quickly got up and ran to the sidelines.
Vulpix dodged the poison sting easily, and quite gracefully countered with a mighty ember
that was ordered by Forest.
Forest was surprised by the power of its ember, having proved previously weak.
Drapion was fazed but not counted out, it attacked with a fierce x scissor that was narrowly dodged by Vulpix.

"You can't dodge forever". Called the Drapion trainer.
But this was Forests plan, for the time being anyway.
He had noticed with each attack, the Drapion was getting more tired,
such a slow and large pokemon using so much power has to tire easily,
and Vulpix was rather agile.

The Drapion continued its unsuccessful assault on Vulpix.
The Drapion stoped in its trackes, tired and breathing heavily.
It was time.

"Vulpix, use ember". Called Forest, and Vulpix continued its barrage of fireballs.

The burly Drapion trainer watched in shock as his pokemon fell to the ground, defeated.

"YOU LITTLE BRAT,YOUR DEAD", The trainer charged at Forest, and Vulpix jumped between them, grabbed the bag containing the stolen poke'balls and chased off the attacker with ember attacks.

"THE VIEL WILL GET THE PAIR OF YOU!". He yelled as he ran.

Forest fell to his knee's in relief.
Vulpix ran to its trainer, and tackled Forest affectionately, licking his face, Roxy looked on in amusement.

"Thanks for that, you were very brave". said Roxy as they gathered their belongings and Forest checked his egg.

Forest blushed, "It was no problem".

"I just hope you don't try that trick in your gym battle, the leader wont be so dumb
as to fall for that, that other guy was just thick".

"Hey, if we follow this lake around we can get to Advent Valley". Said Roxy beaming.

"Lets get going then". Replied Forest glumly as he had already planned to use the same tactic on the gym leader.

"So what's the "Viel"? Asked Forest.

"Dunno some gang I guess".

And they continued their trek to Advent Valley.

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

Please comment/critisize etc.

 

[lilninjapig]

Isnt viel dead calf?

...

Anyway, it is quite interesting, but you need more description. Do you want me to beta for you? :)

 

[Alter Ego]

Please comment/critisize etc.

Please don't thread bump. You're only allowed to double post if you add a chapter in that double post. O=[/mini-mod]

Anyway, Hanako Tabris gave you a pretty extensive review so why don't you start by working with that? You're still making the same mistakes she told you about (the random line breaks are particularly off-putting). If this is what you do with the criticism you get, then that's not much incentive for people to give any. -.- Also, don't post your chapters so fast; give the people here time to read through your fic so they can comment. Usually, one chapter per week is a recommended pace. How about, in the mean time, you focus on correcting the faults that have already been pointed out? :3

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

That's VEAL lilninjapig

Nice Fic. It's good to see pokemon stories not based in America or Japan. Mine, for exapmle, is in Britain. And I too, got a right bollocking off Hanako Tabris for 'mistakes' that I never knew I was commiting.

One word of advice. Don't use Enter too much! It's annoying, and slows the pace of the story to a crawl.

 

[firelight_fox]

I welcom critisism dude how else would i know if my writing sux or not lol.

But yeah I'm not "Mr. Grammer" but as a few trainers said on Nugget bridge in Kanto:
"I did my best I have no regrets"

Or you might prefer what some chaneller/medium said in good old Lavender Tower:
"Uuuuurf Kwaaaaa!"

Very deep.

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

I've been thinking of doing my story in chunks of the UK, starting in my neck of the woods.(NOTE: I'm not putting in the south, nancy bastards). So Australia could be a 'holiday' type thing after the Midlands, maybe?

As Hugh Dennis once said (I think):

"High five. Big Shout out to the Commonwealth posse!". He was impersonating the Queen at the time.

 

[firelight_fox]

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SIX:
SHADOW DANCER


The overgrown forest of Eucalypt was behind them. shill
Forest and Roxy gazed in awe at the large wooden sign that told them they had arrived in Advent Valley.
The town of Advent Valley was situated between three enormous red, rocky
mountains. The shadows cast by the majestic trio, spread darkness throughout the small, valley town. The buildings were wooden, old fashioned, and very decrepit, they looked as though no one owned them.

The two young trainers followed the dirt road that led right through the small town. On either side of them they saw many more dilapidated wooden buildings.
The town was almost deserted except for a few passers by, all of them had their heads down, taking no notice of anything around them, intent only on their destination. This odd town made Forest feel very uneasy, he wanted to get to the pokemon centre fast, so he could rest up for his battle with the gym leader, he planned to have the following day.

They reached the pokemon centre, this building was just as old, and decayed as the rest of the town.
Forest and Roxy exchanged nervous glances before entering.
Inside was just as corroded as the exterior, the floors squeaked and bent under their weight.
The receptionists desk was occupied by a young woman, who would have looked rather attractive if she didn't have such a depressed look on her face.

"Can I help you?" The woman asked in a bored voice. She didn't look at either of them as she said this, her eyes were fixed on the small, dirty window behind them.

"Yes". Said Roxy in a nervous voice. "We wanted to have our pokemon healed, and can we book a room please".
The woman got up and looked at the two of them, she seemed to have just realised they were there, even though she had just spoken to them.

"Of corse". She smiled "I'm Nurse Michelle, may I see your pokemon please?"
They handed her their pokemon, and were led into a small room with two wooden bunk beds, a broken desk set between them.
Forest sat down on one of the beds, while Roxy went through her bag for her toiletries.

"I hope we aren't staying here long". She said sternly. "This place freaks me out".
"I know what you mean". Said Forest, starting to play his DS. "The people in this town were really weird".

Roxy, went for the door. "You better have a shower too, you stink".

"I will". Forest replied grumpily. "After this battle". He had his face buried in his DS.
"Are you playing one of those pokemon, RPG's? They're so unrealistic".
She said and headed out for the showers.

Forest had a hard time getting to sleep that night, apart from nurse Michelle checking in on them every hour, Murkrow, dark coloured bird pokemon, had congregated outside the bedroom window and were squawking incessantly.
He had the urge to go out and catch one, but if he woke Roxy, he knew he would regret it.

The following morning, Forest was up at the crack of dawn to make sure all his pokemon had a good breakfast, and warmed up before today's match.
They looked in good shape, so he got all his things together and woke Roxy.

Nurse Michelle gave them directions to the Gym, it wasn't hard to find in such a small town, The Gym was practically brand new. Marble covered the entire building, a small set of stairs led them to the entrance.
They entered into a long narrow hallway, it was pitch black, except for two torches at the far end. Forest touched the marble walls as he passed, they were as cold as ice, he had a terrible feeling of foreboding.
Both Forest and Roxy, exited the hallway into a large, spacious, high ceiling room was set out like a stadium.
The floor had painted markings, seats rose around the sides of the room, and lights hung down from the ceiling, shining brightly over the stadium.
Standing at the other end was a tall man, with ***** black clothing, and messy matted dark hair, he wore a smile that did not suit him.
"Welcome challenger". he said kindly. "My name is Dante, in this gym we use dark type pokemon, who might you be?"

"My name is Forest, I came to battle you for a gym badge". His confidence rose with every syllable, a fire lit inside him, he was ready, ready to win. Roxy took a seat on the sidelines.

"The rules are as follows". Stated Dante. "Two on two, no substitutes and no time limit".
Dante held out a pokeball and summoned his first pokemon.
"I choose you, Houndour!" he called, and the dark, fire pokemon appeared in front of Forest, it looked like a small Rottweiler.

Forest knew exactly what to do, Squirtle would be the best choice, water always has the advantage over fire.
Forest called on Squirtle and the battle was on.
Dante commanded a tackle attack from Houndour, that was easily dodged by Squirtle, who retaliated with a powerful water gun.
Houndour was thrown hard against the wall behind Dante, who showed no sign of disappointment when his pokemon fainted.

"Very good, challenger, now the real battle begins, I choose Mightyena".
Mightyena was also a canine pokemon but much bigger and a lot more aggressive.

"Squirtle, rapid spin, now!" Called Forest, Squirtle went into its shell and spun full force at Mightyena.
Mightyena was commanded to use iron tail, and it hit Squirtle swiftly across the room and it hit the ground hard.

"Squirtle, please get up". Forest pleaded, but Squirtle was out for the count.
Forest withdrew Squirtle, and thought hard of what to do next.
Forest looked up at the high Ceiling, and saw the lights hanging down, that was it!
"Bulbasaur, your up". Called Forest.

Dante didn't seem too concerned at Forests pokemon choice.
"Mghtyena, shadow ball now." Dante called.
A large black ball of energy erupted from Mightyena's mouth, and headed for Bulbasaur.
Bulbasaur used vine whip to repel the oncoming orb, and charged in for a powerful tackle, which hit its mark, but did minimal damage.
Mightyena jumped back and prepared itself to use another iron tail.

"Bulbasaur, use your vine whip on those lights, hoist yourself up!"
It did what it was told and narrowly dodged the powerful attack.
Forest then called for bulbasaur to swing and use tackle, by using the lights to swing on, it did a lot more damage than it usually would and the impact sent Mightyena flying into the stands. Dante could only watch helplessly, as it collided with a row of seats in the stands with a massive crash.

The battle was over, Forest had won.
Roxy let out a cheer from the sidelines, as both trainers called back their pokemon.
"You are a powerful trainer." Declared Dante walking over to Forest.
"In recognition of your victory I bestow upon you the shadow badge."
Forest took it, he looked at his badge, it was a dark circle with an odd symbol in the middle, he didn't care what it looked like it was his.
He couldn't believe it, it was his first badge his first step to becoming champion.

Roxy and Forest were escorted out into the town by Dante.
"If you follow the dirt road, you will reach the mountain path, that will take you to Derwent City". He explained. "I believe it has a powerful gym there, I wish you luck on your journey". Forest and Roxy bade him farewell and continued their journey.

As they reached the mountain path Roxy spotted something in the distance.
"Forest, look a Clefairy". She called, and they ran to take a look at this rare pokemon.
Roxy stopped abruptly in her tracks, Forest bumped into her.
"Why'd you stop?" Said Forest annoyed.
Then he took a closer look at the pink fairy pokemon, it had been stabbed, it was dead, blood trickled down its beautiful face and ran onto the red sandy ground.

What was with the people of Advent Valley?
What or Who killed that Clefairy?

TO BE CONTINUED!!