Pokemon Destiny PG:13

[RocketMemberMichael]

[AGELIMIT]PG:13, THIS MAY CONTAIN SOME MILD SWEARWORDS OR VIOLENCE.[/AGELIMIT]

Pokemon: Destiny

Why should we read this?: Because Pokemon Destiny is different, It is set in Jhoto, 4 years after the Anime! And alot has changed! Jhoto is now under quarantine, Nobody is allowed to enter or leave. So what has caused this? Read on and have fun!

Chapter One: The Reign of Terror

Juliet sighed, her long brown hair blowing in her face due to the strong winds, she looked down, her eyes where tearful and her face had a sad expression upon it. Juliet wipped her now red eyes with the sleeve of her long white t-shirt. She then began to pace up and down. Her blue jeans where ripped and blood was splatted on them. She then pushed her hand into one of her pockets and pulled out a small red and white ball, it was about the size of her fist and had stickers of flowers stuck all around it. She whispered a soft word to the ball and it sprung to life, jumped to the floor and opened with a large flash of green light, the ball then slammed shut and the light faded, only to reveal a small brown cheerful looking bird, it was smiling, jumping up and down and chirping happily, it then turned to Juliet and jumped into her outstreched arms. She then hugged the bird warmly and sat on a bench that was covered with thick black ash.

She looked around, tears running down her pale freckled face. The town in which she was sitting in was burnt down, it looked like it was once a nice and cosy town with few houses, and the only thing that remained in it was a small sign which had the worlds New Bark Town, written on it in thick, bold capital letters. Juliet then turned around to a river, it was the only thing that looked unharmed, she approched it cautiously, and sat down releasing her bird from her arms. She then lowered her right hand into the river and pushed it back and forward causing soft ripples of water to appear.

TO BE CONTINUED: PART TWO OF CHAPTER ONE: THE REIGN OF TERROR!

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

PART TWO: THE REIGN OF TERROR!

Juliet then quickly pulled her hand out of the warm water as it began to become cold and slowly started to freeze. She looked around panicking, the freezing of the water could only mean one thing. He is close.

She then whistled loudly and her bird which had a small collar around it's next with the words Pigerroo on it, flew into her arms at immense speed knocking her down to the ground. The bird was frightened and paniking. Juliet then stood up cluching Pigerroo in her arms tighly, she looked around as thick grey fog began to envelope the town in which she was standing, and then from deep in the fog, a shadow could be seen, it was getting larger and larger until finally a figure stepped out of the fog.

It was him. Juliet screamed with terror and ran over the now frozen river, she then slipped and smacked her head on the thick ice which had frozen over the once warm river. She then lay, on the floor, still awake, but too scared to move, as she could see him. By looking at the ice. His reflection.
He was towering over her, smirking. Juliet then paused, it seemed as though time had stopped, and her fear had left her body and her instincts where kicking in.

In a moment of panic she jumped up and quick as possible planning to run but was grabbed by him. He then threw her back to the ground and laughed hysterically.

"You should of known dear." He said calmly, "That nobody can escape from Mewtwo's Reign! MY REIGN! THE REIGN OF TERROR!" He then kicked her body and lifted her up, "Tell me where he is!" He screamed in her face.

"I will tell you nothing scumbag!" She said before spitting in Mewtwo's face, He began to curse her swearing loudly before throwing her body back to the ground.

"How dare you treat me like that!" Mewtwo said outraged, he then began to rise from the bright blue ice, "DIE!" He then lifted one of his hands and a purple shadowy ball appeared out of thin air, it was then sent flying to Juliet's body and with a bang, the ice smashed into tiny sharp pieces, Juliet screamed and then sunk into the freezing cold river, Mewtwo cackled and then pointed at the river, it then froze over once more, leaving Juliet under the thickness of the frozen river, She banged onto the ice loudly but it didn't budge. Mewtwo then smiled, waved at Juliet, and flew into the air.

END OF CHAPTER ONE!

Comments?

 

[Naito]

Looks interesting, but try to add some more detail and make chapters longer (most people prefer it being at least 5 pages in Microsoft Word).

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

You are right, I gave the fanfic short chapters because I want to make more chapters if that makes sense.

Anyhow, Any comments people?

 

[Astinus]

You don't have to have short chapters to have many chapters. One of my friends writes rather long chapters (long enough that they couldn't even fit in one post) and she has many chapters. But the short chapter lengths also make it easier on the reader. They don't have long chapters to read. I guess that the chapter length is up to you.

My main nitpick with this is the run-on sentences. This was especially noticeable in the first paragraph of chapter one. A few of your sentences could be broken down into a few sentences. I'll show you:

She whispered a soft word to the ball and it sprung to life, jumped to the floor and opened with a large flash of green light, the ball then slammed shut and the light faded, only to reveal a small brown cheerful looking bird, it was smiling, jumping up and down and chirping happily, it then turned to Juliet and jumped into her outstreched arms.

This one sentence can be easily changed to:

She whispered a soft word to the ball and it sprung to life, jumped to the floor and opened with a large flash of green light. The ball then slammed shut and the light faded, only to reveal a small brown cheerful looking bird. It was smiling, jumping up and down and chirping happily. It then turned to Juliet and jumped into her outstretched arms.

I also fixed your spelling mistakes. Somehow, you missed a few "t" in your words. Just type your story on a word processor with spell check, and that should help you out.

Ah, and it's "Johto". Not "Jhoto". It's okay. Many people misspell that region's name.

That's all that I can comment on for now. You didn't give the readers much in the way of plot yet: just New Bark Town burning to the ground and Mewtwo appearing. I'll wait to see where you take this story before commenting on more than grammar.

 

[RocketMemberMichael]

Thankyou for your comments, they all make sense, any other comments.

 

[jetmagnumX]

Nice Thinking ..., Better Than My Crap Fan Fics Ehe..
Keep Up The Good Work