[Pokémon] Pokemon Evolutions (short film treatment)

[Level101Blastoise]

I'm currently writing a pokemon short or feature this is more like the the set up of the whole feature but I'm thinking if I can do this first maybe I'll gain backing for the full feature length version later, so here it is tell me what you think about it, and the title is still a working title :P

Idea for 10 min short:
Team Rocket Grunt is peddling rare candies to two undercover Pokemon Rangers, Drake Ketchum, veteran of the Sinnoh-Kanto war and his partner Jane Chambers. They meet the dealer in a warehouse, the grunt has a strange looking almost roided up Alakazam next to him. The Alakazam starts to glow, immediately the Rangers know that he is trying to read their minds, the Grunt isn't stupid he is checking if they are cops.
Though the Rangers have gone through extensive training to prepare for situations like this, they start thinking of random things, wall, chair, Grunt's gun anything to keep the Alakazam from knowing what their true motive.

The Grunt pulls out a case filled to the brim with rare candies. Drake hands over a duffle bag full of money, trying with all his might not to think about the trace that is in the bag as well. The Alakazam grunts as it picks up on the spike in Drake's brain waves. The Grunt asks the Alakazam what is it but before it can give him an answer. Drake interupts "You gonna control that mongoloid pokemon of yours?" The Grunt turns away from the Alakazam "It must be all those rare candies its been given, makes them strong but I gotta say a five year old can outsmart this Alakazam, its a shame it used to be a marvelous pokemon when we first stole him." Drake and Jane look at each other with concern. Jane "How did you steal it from its master, any well trained pokemon would rather die than be under someones control." Grunt laughs "Well if there isn't a master to die for then it makes it pretty easy, plus our organization has been working on this." showing a dark and red pokeball. "Though it wasn't easy stealing this one from its trainer." Drake asks "why it that?" Grunt picking up the duffle bag "Have you ever tried killing a Pokemon Champion?" Drake and Jane astonished they said their speechless shaking as they try to contain their thougths. Drake can't take contain them and his memory flashes Master Gary Oak and him fighting side by side in the war then when Gary presented Drake his war medals in a ceremony. The Alakazam picked up on all of that, this time his bark(grunt) is more direct than the first the Grunt knows what it means and reaches for his gun as the Alakazam starts to levitate glowing blue. Drake and Jane draw their guns, Jane shoots the Grunt in his arm before he could grab his gun. Drake tackles Jane out the way as Alakazam sends a psybeam. The Grunt releases another super rare candy enhanced pokemon, Machamp. Drake and Jane are sprawled across the floor Drake releases his Poliwrath, it explodes from its pokeball with a powerful Hydro Pump hitting both of the Grunt's pokemon, giving the Rangers a cushion, Jane releases her Mr. Mime, using the Light Screens provided by Mr. Mime, Jane shoots at the Alakazam as the Mr. Mime trades blow after blow with the Alakazam. As the fight continues the roided pokemon have a clear advantage over the Ranger's pokemon trashing them around. The Grunt tries to escape out the back, Drake follows after him. Drake turns the corner into an alley the Grunt is stumbling through it running into garbage cans an alley junk. Desperate the Grunt throws a pokeball out revealing a pikachu, the pikachu charges for an attack as Drake pulls out his hand cannon (magnum) and blow a hole straight through the head of the pikachu. The Grunt is pleading for his life saying he'll tell Drake anything he wants to know about Team Rocket. Drake pulls out his hand cuff, when everything begins to shake like an earthquake. Boom! Machamp busts through the side of the building send rumble everywhere, the force knocks Drake back. Then the Alakazam teleports beside the Grunt, it brought the case of rare candies with it . The Grunt's demeanor changes sounding cocky now, he tosses the trace to Drake who is trying to remain conscious. Then teleports away.

Drake picks himself up from the rumble and goes to check on Jane. Inside he sees his Poliwrath is badly wounded several broken bones he returns it back into its ball, the Mr. Mime has been impaled into the wall by a psychic thrown metal rod. He spots Jane curled on the floor, her body looks completely broken. Drake rushes to her, she gives Drake a smile knowing she wont make it. Drake gives her a tearful smile back "I'll get them" Drake says, Jane replies "You'll get them all" as her eyes turn lifeless and her body slumps. Drake holds her and gives out a painful scream.

Also if there is any one who has any experience in 3D animation please let me know I would like to ask you some questions. Thanks everyone.

 

[Level101Blastoise]

I would really appreciate hearing what you guys thought about this piece. Any comments are good comments, I would actually like if people tell me what they didnt like about it even more.

Hope I get some feedback from you guys, thanks again.

 

[bobandbill]

As a note, double posting to bump to ask for reviews/etc is against the rules. It is a general problem with fanfiction sections on forums that some people go unreviewed when starting out (my first foray netted me one review, and I know many who got nothing for multiple chapters). Best way to deal with that is to post around in other people's stories (I have seen you make a post already in the Lounge area though so that's a good start already =p), and maybe have a link to your fic in your signature so you're 'seen' more often.

As another beside, I've closed your thread in the Lounge section (there's no need for two after all) - I'll keep this thread here unless you have no intent to keep this going as a story in which case I or Astinus can move it for you to that section.

Anyway I took a glance - there's some interesting parts here (for instance I quite liked the idea of the grunts trying to think of random things to prevent the Alakazam's Mind Reader from working) and there's a good basis for a pretty darn good fight scene there as well. There's some cleaning up that could occur in places though - I'll mention a couple of things just taken from...say, this bit:

Drake and Jane look at each other with concern. Jane "How did you steal it from its master, any well trained pokemon would rather die than be under someones control." Grunt laughs "Well if there isn't a master to die for then it makes it pretty easy, plus our organization has been working on this." showing a dark and red pokeball.

Firstly - you'd want to split your story up into more paragraphs, partly because the laws of writing decree that every time someone different speaks, a new paragraph ought to be started, and partly because it's easier to read when you have each 'part' or idea separated into their own...well separate parts, and presentation is pretty significant for stories on the Internet - one tends to prefer to want to read the story that is well spaced than one that is a wall of text. It is good to see you are not using a different text colour though and when you did paragraph it had the line of spacing - it just needs more to it.

Next is that this piece could use some more proofreading. Stuff like 'showing a dark and red pokeball.' or 'Jane "*dialogue*...' with the out-of-place 'Jane' isn't correctly constructed and can't stand up as its own sentence, along with the missing capital (but there are better ways to word it as I'll mention in a moment). A spell and grammar check would catch a few of these things as well, and a good way to see if what you wrote makes sense is to read your sentences out loud - if it sounds off, then it probably is. That goes for run-on sentences too (sentences that are continued too long by commas, etc instead of being made into separate sentences) - e.g.:

Drake and Jane are sprawled across the floor Drake releases his Poliwrath, it explodes from its pokeball with a powerful Hydro Pump hitting both of the Grunt's pokemon, giving the Rangers a cushion, Jane releases her Mr. Mime, using the Light Screens provided by Mr. Mime, Jane shoots at the Alakazam as the Mr. Mime trades blow after blow with the Alakazam.

Besides the run-on issue, I'd suggest using past tense for stories as it is generally easier to write out - present tense can be done but it usually requires a fair bit of skill and can still come off as sounding awkward. On top of that, although there's some nice description here and there I'd suggest adding even just a bit more to give us more of an idea how things happen, what things/creatures look like, etc. Hence one way to reword that would be to, say:

Drake and Jane lay sprawled across the floor. Grunting with pain, Drake managed to get back up and released his Poliwrath. The blue Pokemon exploded from its pokeball with a powerful Hydro Pump which hit both of the Grunt's pokemon, giving the Rangers a cushion. Meanwhile Jane released her Mr. Mime and got to her feet behind the protection of the Light Screens conjured up by Mr. Mime, before shooting at the Alakazam as the Mr. Mime traded blow after blow with the Alakazam.

A lot of sentences here read oddly like a command of a script rather than a line of description of what is happening in a story - e.g.

Grunt picking up the duffle bag

when 'The Grunt picked up the duffle bag.' fits better.
As for the first quote, using the above techniques/improvements suggested:

Drake and Jane look at each other with concern.

"How did you steal it from its master? Any well trained pokemon would rather die than be under someone's control."

The grunt merely laughed. "Well if there isn't a master to die for then it makes it pretty easy! Plus our organization has been working on this," he added, as he showed the pair a dark-and-red pokeball.

That's a general set of things I spotted anyway and would make a considerable improvement to your story if you applied the above. I hope that was of help to you, and good luck with your story!

 

[Level101Blastoise]

Oh sorry, I should have mentioned that this isn't a story I intend to publish more of a quick write of the treatment for a script which I intend to shoot. So know one would ever probably see the final treatment (short story) or script until they see the actual short film of this.

Thanks for the grammar help (god knows I need a lot of that) but I was a little more interested in finding out what you guys thought about the story it self, you guys being pokemon fans.

The reason why I just had it in three chunks was because I was seeing the treatment fit into a 3 act script as in set up, conflict, and resolution.

Thanks though, I'm glad you liked the Alakazam mind ready wire. I'm trying to make this a realistic look at pokemon if they were to actually exist in our world. No more slightly toasted look when you get hit by Charizards flamethrower

Also anyone against the pikachu headshot?