pokemon journey

[Gohan]

this is my first fanfiction hope you like it :D

italics=thoughts

Chapter One

Brrriiiiinnngg.
Instantly I sat up, and banged my head on branch sticking in the window.

"**** it" I yelped. My head was throbbing now.I checked the clock.​

"What! Its twenty after seven!"​

I pulled on some baggy blue jeans,a sleevles black t-shirt, and my white fingerless gloves.

Great now the intructer is gonna give me detention,I thought.​

My drunken mother lay on the couch.

I wish dad wasn't dead.​

I hopped on my bike to ride to school.I had ten minutes to get to the other​

side of Littleroot town where the school was located.

Sure enough when I ran into pokemon physics calss five minutes late the​

teacher was all over me.

"Jason Uremesh where have you been? You have detention," screeched Ms. Galson.​

I walked over to an empty seat next to my best friend David Karlan.

"Bad morning," he asked.​

"Yep," I replied.​

"No talking! You've got detention too David Kalan," she shouted at us.​

Later after lunch it was time for our favorite class, pokemon chatting. In this​

class we all got to talk about anything with the pokemon.

Of course David and I were partners. We picked an eevee to talk with. Both​

of us were fastinated by eevees.

After we served detention we rode our bikes back to our houses, which were​

only a block apart.

"I'm fed up with my life, come on a pokemon journey with me David. We can​

get our pokemon from professer Birch right now," I exclaimed.
David quickly agreed, and we headed for professer Birch's lab.

Twenty minutes later we arrived out of breath and exauhsted.​

Birch answered when we rang.

"Here for starter pokemon," he mused.​

David and I could only nod our heads.

"Very well follow me boys."​

 

[Lily]

Try slowing it down. o_O; I would really suggest on adding more details and definitely descriptions. The sentences lack some, suggesting the short length. Also, every one of the information you put was surprisingly short, brief, and blunt. I would advise on the details, especially when David and Jason were at Prof. Birch's lab. Don't you think it was a tad bit rushed when they just happened to want a Pokemon, and Prof. Birch just happened to have one for them?

Otherwise, the schooling is a good and interesting idea. Pokemon chatting was unusual but nice to see an unusual class anyway. Your emotions were...limited. By one simple word, it's utterly impossible to try and figure out what exactly they were feeling. The beginning also felt rushed. Try adding more emphasis when Jason saw his drunken mother, his thoughts on things, and slow down the actions with more of your own descriptions.

Other than that, grammar problems could be sighted, but they can easily be fixed. Interesting story. My main problem was the rushed plotline and the lack of details that made it less appealing. But otherwise, try improving on your next chapter, and a very nice job anyhow. ^_^ Good luck with the next chap!

 

[Alex_]

hmmm 6/10 ......not enough description...WHY was his dad dead ..but as lily said i like the idea pokemon chatting ......pretty good overall though .

 

[Gohan]

okay I'll work on it

Capter Two

As the boys followed prof. Birch they felt re-energized by all the tension.​

Both were very nervous.

"So do you want me to tell you what pokemon there are to choose from,"​

prof. Birch asked.

"Yes!" both boys nearly yelled.​

"Okay okay, theres mudkip, treeko, and torchic,"prof. Birch told us.​

"I want treeko," David said.​

"And I want mudkip," I uttered nervously.​

We both reached forward slowly, wanting to make this last forever. Our eyes​

met.

"Get on with it and let them out," prof. Birch roared at us!​

So we let them out and instantly they came over and sniffed at us.And we​

greeted them just as friendily.

Treeko looked like a lizard with a leaf tail.It stood on two legs and was bright​

green. It was acting very warmly to its new master, David.

Mudkip was a briteish blue color.It looked like a fish that had sprouted legs,​

and on its head and for its tail it had fins. On its cheeks were yellow circles with points sticking out.It was acting just as warmly to me as treeko had to David.

"Mudkip meet my best friend David," I said​

"Treeko meet my best friend Jason," David said.​

 

[Gohan]

thaks ill say why his dad is dead later

 

[Gohan]

Sorry if I spamed

Chapter three

We returned our pokemon to their pokeballs, and started to leave when prof.​

Birch called us back.

"Where are you going you still need a pokedex and pokenav," he said to us.​

David and I were bewildered.Pokedexs and pokenavs?​

"What do they teach you at school today **** it!"​

"Oh now I remember," David and I said in unison.​

Prof Birch was redfaced when he handed them to us and said,"Now take care​

of these."

"Come on David lets get GOING NOW!"​

 

[Lily]

Hm, I think chapter two and three could've been merged. Both were way too short but the plotline of them both should've been put together.

Details. I really suggest you work on that, there is a major lack of them in both chap 2 & 3. Also, the emotions. I can tell prof. Birch was fustrated, but I don't agree that's the whole reason for him to start shouting off and acted THAT enraged. Dialogues were okay, but there were way too many and less descriptions. Try making an effort into getting the main idea, and adding details around it, making it a bit bigger. Grammar was also a problem. Like I said, spelling errors could be managed, as well as some spacing problems.

The idea is interesting, running away from school, but it isn't that set up properly. What are the odds of getting a Pokemon from Prof. Birch whenever you felt like it? But otherwise, it's a nice fic if you edit it. Good luck. ^_^

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

Well...the Pokemon talking is a nice change, and the schooling system's certainly different... but that's all I can really give to you in terms of praise.

This fic lacks some of the basic foundations needed to get it off the ground. The chapters are too short, there is little to no description, there are spelling and grammatical errors, it was rushed... and there were more. It really does seem like something you literally wrote in 5 minutes, and that's definitely not good at all :/

Don't be afraid to take your time. Add description into most.. if not all the spaces where you feel there is something missing - it'll definitely by description. Also, by adding description in, you could improve on a whole load of things such as emotion, length, character development, and many more. If you're stuck for ideas, add some description in - it'll liven up the story and make it a lot better for readers. ^_^

 

[Gohan]

yeah i wrote it in five minutes


Chapter Four

David and I ran out of there as fast as we could. We tore down the street on​

our bikes as fast as we could. Suddenly I slowed to a halt,I was thinking hard then it me.

"David we need clothes and gear and food, I'm starving,"I said thinking,​

how could we forget!

"Oh yeah I'm starving too, I guess there was too much excitement," David​

said.

As they rode away they left prof. Birch thinking, Wow I haven't seen a pair ​

of kids that determined since I met Ash and his friends.

When we pulled up in front of David's house he said, "I need to let my​

parents know I'm leaving."

His parents agreed we could leave we were 12 after all.​

"Oh we need to make a list of what to buy or we'll forget," I told David later​

that day.

List
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
pokechow
twelve pokeballs
potions
soup
chicken
soda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Stop drooling on the paper David, go pack your things,"I said​

"Already did," he replied​

After the list was finished I went to pack my things and tell my mother I was​

leaving.

"Mom I'm going on a pokemon journey."​

"Thats great get me some dinner while your at it," she said to me.​

I packed my things and left my house feeling sad, until my cheery side butted​

in.Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you are about to go on a pokemon journey with your best friend and here you are feeling sorry for youself!
"Come on David lets go!"

 

[Obsidian Blade]

I can see you had a go at following LilyPichu's advice about emotion in the second chapter, but try to go a little farther than just "Both were very nervous." Work to make it as interesting as possible; maybe something more along the lines of "Both boys' bodies tingled with nerves". It just makes it more interesting for the reader, is all.

You described some very spontaneous action in chapter one as well - one second they were walking along and the next they decided to go on a journey that would last years of commitment? O.o' Maybe you should have mentioned that they'd been thinking about this for ages, something like that, anyway...

Just a tip for writing dialogue, since you have so much of it. The "he said" part of speech can be so good for building up characters... take this for example:

"Pidgeotto, go!" said the trainer.

Basically, that says nothing much. Said might not be the plague it often finds itself portrayed as, but there are alternatives that fit much better after an exclamation mark.

"Pidgeotto, go!" commanded the trainer.

Okay, so now we at least know that she's ordering the Pidgeotto to do something. But if we added in an action too...

"Pidgeotto, go!" commanded the trainer, tossing a Pok?ball onto the field.

The would do, but a little more description and it would be even better...

"Pidgeotto, go!" commanded the trainer, arrogantly tossing a Pok?ball into the air as the wind tussled her short blue locks into disarray.

That might actually be considered as a bit OTT, as I'm not really in a writing mood today, but you get the picture. That simple piece of dialogue has suddenly blown up to say that this trainer is
a) female
b) arrogant in battle
c) the owner of a Pidgeotto
d) blue haired

Not just that, but her hair is short (!!). Work for that sort of description on some (not all, because then it will sound like you're rambling) of your dialogue and your fic will look a lot better.

Good luck with the next chapter!
~'Sidian

 

[Mr Cat Dog]

It still seems to be lacking many features. That last chapter would have been condensed into 2 paragraphs of a lengthy OT fic... Heck - all the chapters so far could have been made into one chapter. It really is too short. You're milking all the information out of it so that it actually makes half a page worth of text. Length is your main issue.

Other areas for improvement are: description... as I could hardly picture anything - always good to use when you get stuck on what to do | the actual flow of the fic seems erratic... you jump from event to event to event. By the time the fic's finished, it'll only be chapter 15. TAKE YOUR TIME!!!

Also... if you write another chapter in 5 minutes or less... I swear I'll kill you. >:-) Really - Rome wasn't built in a day - or 5 mintues for that matter.

 

[Gohan]

ill try details arent my strong side though