First off, I'd like to comment on Lukespade's review -- which I know I did via PM but would like to further bring up. If you're going to comment on someone else's grammar, please actually make an effort to use proper grammar and spelling yourself. For example:
What else...? Oh yeah! Grammar: you've got a lot of misspellings and frankly wrong words.
It amuses me that you misspelled "misspellings." In any case, you get the idea. You just don't comment on someone else's grammar unless your post has been proofread itself. The reason why is because otherwise, you look like a hypocrite.
That aside, afro, I'm sorry, but he
is right concerning grammar. There's a ton of errors here in spelling and general grammar. (For example, it's "license.") A lot of these errors can actually be picked up if you wrote in a word processing document and hit "spell check." Alternatively, if you have Microsoft Word, turn on spell check as you type so you get red squiggles under misspelled words. It looks atrocious, but for Pokemon fanfiction, it's easier to see what is and isn't a spelling error.
I'd also highly recommend getting a beta -- or someone who will be able to look over your story and point out errors before you go to submit it, then work with you in order to refine your work.
In terms of storyline...
First Story
The description, yes, could use work. In a lot of cases, you give us no details to imagine what's going on. For example, we don't know what Jake
or Reigeri look like, and we don't know how Jake saw it. Did he see it flying over the town from his bedroom window? If so, why didn't anyone else notice that the symbol of the town had suddenly appeared?
On top of that, you just have some oddities here and there.
The next day of course he was fast asleep but not on his bed, but on the floor. His mother, Mrs.bo, tried to wake him up but she couldn't so she shoved ice into jake's pants. Jake did wake up with a struggling face but when he woke up his head hit the ceiling.<ouch>
First off, don't write things like "<ouch>." That's breaking the fourth wall if you meant it as an author's note. We can gather that what happened was painful, so tacking that on just doesn't look right.
Second, um, I don't know about
your mother, but
mine never shoved ice down my pants whenever I didn't get up. I'm inclined to say it's a bit cruel for a mother to do that to her child. So, this moment seems like forced comedy right there because it doesn't really make sense for a mother to do something like that.
Third, how tall is Jake? A ceiling tends to be several feet high, and given the fact that he was sleeping on the floor, unless he's a giant, I'm having trouble picturing him just waking up and his head hitting the ceiling.
he went to his town proffesor, Prof Limen(real name Marty Smith[theycall him prof Limen because he likes lemon] from Kanto region, move to Linnoa region.
First off, all regional professors are named after actual trees. "Limen" is not a tree. It
could be if you spelled it "Lemon," but. It's mostly a canonical tradition.
Also, is it really necessary to tell us all this information about him? We don't know what he looks like, but we already know his real name and the fact that some vague people (as in, you never specify who "they" are) call him "Limen."
Third, while I'm trying to avoid commenting on grammar, I'm not exactly sure what you're trying to do with the last four words of this excerpt. I know you're trying to say Professor Limen moved to the Linnoa Region, but... read it aloud. It's a bit awkward, and it doesn't really make sense as it is because that comma's there. (You're essentially saying, "He went to his town professor move to Linnoa Region.")
Commentary in the story from the author = bad. We're less likely to take your story seriously if you do things like that, especially if you insert a smiley at the end.
And, of course, we don't know what any of these starters look like, and it feels like Jake only took five seconds to review them and make his choice because there's a lack of dialogue and thoughts.
Overall, it feels like a pretty generic story. Kid sees a legendary (which happens now and then in OTs), wakes up late, rushes to professor's house, and starts a journey. On top of that, you don't let your characters really develop personalities because you're trying to get from one place to another, so in the process, you don't let them speak or spend time on different actions. You don't even describe any of the characters. This, of course, is a bad thing because you're working with new Pokemon. You really need to slow down, take your time, and detail what's going on so we can get a full image of the characters, who they are, and what they're doing. If your story ever ends up coming off as boring, it's probably because you're skipping all the vital details that a story
should have and leaving an incredibly bare-bones storyline.
Incidentally, no, there's nothing wrong with creating new Pokemon or a new region. You just need to describe them and give them personalities or habits. For example, if you created a dog Pokemon, you'll want to tell us it looks like a golden retriever and happily pads after human beings. You
don't want to leave it at the Pokemon's name because that really doesn't tell us anything.
Second Story
You know, the point of using second person point of view (in which the story is told from the perspective of "you") is to make the main character pretty anonymous so the reader can put themselves in the character's shoes. Once you give a name to this "you," it automatically becomes a story about Chris, not about us.
Other than that, the same problems in the first story occur again in the second. We don't know what anything looks like, and you
still hit us over the head with unnecessary author's notes, such as this:
<you know what they are>( if that was me, i would choose mishi)
Okay, now that's just lazy. You've started on a completely separate story, so you really need to mention what these Pokemon are.
Also...
you saw there were three Houndgores and a Blazemutt attacking that man.
Houndgore = relative of Houndour?
Also, why didn't these Pokemon attack the kids too if the professor just zoomed past them with Pokemon at his heels? As in, why did the kids
only notice the Pokemon
as soon as the battle started (after they chose their Pokemon) and not before?
............( to be continued)<I do this on purpose>
Well, yes, cutting off before an exciting moment is called a "cliffhanger," and it's really nothing new. (I do it all the time.) It's just that in order to get the audience take the cliffhanger seriously, you'll want to avoid pointing out that it's a cliffhanger. It's stating the obvious, really.
Pretty much the same problems happen in this fic as in the first one, particularly with characterization and description. Again, take your time and add as much detail as you possibly can so we can get a full view of what's going on and who these characters (such as Horace) are.
Also, you'll want to choose one story and stick with it in one thread. You can try maintaining two at once, but to avoid confusing the reader as to what installment goes with what story, you'll want to keep your stories separate.
In all, you really do need a lot of work. Go get a beta and take your time with your narration.
