Pokemon:The Return Of Lugia

[starlightartist]

Chapter 1:From Sinnoh,To Osteroux.


Carrie Walters was a 10 year old girl with black hair and glistening hazel eyes from Jubilife city, now, she was on an emerald green boat to the Osteroux region, she was with her boyfriend, Jared, who was wearing his cap on backwards to hide his blonde fringe was also 10 but he was from Snowpoint City.She had met him after earning her 7th badge from Candice.
"Bye!"shouted Carrie at her parents
"Hey, Carrie, come look at this!"
"What is it?"
"It's the Osteroux Region!"
"It...It's Beautiful!"
"Just like you, Carrie."
"Oh, Jared, stop it" Carrie and Jared made their way off the boat as the legendary pokemon, Lugia flew over them. Meanwhile, just leaving the Sinnoh region for the first time too was a bigger boat
"Hm, Master Comet, they have left the boat, huh? What's this?Oh, Oh, Oh, Yes, Master, Yes,She Has Left her coat on the boat!"
"Good, is her pokemon in there?"
"Yes, Master, it is, Do I snag the gible now sir?"
"No, wait until they are far away.....VERY far away..mwhahahahahahahah........"

 

[kebengau]

its kinda short^__^
i wish you write more..
i cant update my fanfic..coz im onto hacking now.^__^

 

[starlightartist]

Ok I'm Working On Chapter 2, Which Will Be Longer, Funnier, And MUCH More Discriptive....

 

[ShinjisLover]

Wow, uhm. . Well, it was very short. The description was really, really bad. You just came right out and said she had black hair, nothin' more to it. So that's all there is to her? Black hair?

You need to present your characters in a more artistic style. Like a mediocre example would be:
"Her dark colored hair flowed behind her in the wind as the boat cruised along the deep blue waters of the sea."
. . . Or something like that. . >.>

Also, you capitalize random words, too. Like this:

"Hm, Master Comet, they have left the boat, huh? What's this?Oh, Oh, Oh, Yes, Master, Yes,She Has Left her coat on the boat!"

To make it proper, it should be changed to this:

"Master Comet, they left the boat, huh? What's this? Oh, yes, Master, she has left her coat on the boat."

God, it pained me to write that sentence, but that's how it should be done. However, it still doesn't make the sentence better. I can't really make it better since I had no idea what was going on or who was talking.

More than half of your story was talking, which is a big no-no. You have to have description. Don't get me wrong, it's okay to have two people talking, and just have something like:
"Dialogue," said person.
"Dialogue!" said the other person.
"Random dialogue."
"Random dialogue."

et cetera, but not when you don't explain who's talking first. It makes it difficult to follow.
I think you need to start over and practice more before posting again because people are just going to give you the same review as I have. At least people who actually know what a good story is.​

 

[Kindo]

well its good for a storyline its just your grammar and punctuation and describing you have to improve on .
;)

 

[Miz en Scène]

Wha...? that was sudden. Where did that Lugia come from and why isn't anyone the least bit shocked at a legendary flying above their heads? Isn't Lugia native to the orange Islands?

Oh and work on your description, it seems a bit rushed if you ask me.

 

[Neutrino]

Aye, I agree. Let's break it down and analyse it, shall we?

Carrie Walters was a 10 year old girl with black hair and glistening hazel eyes from Jubilife city, now, she was on an emerald green boat to the Osteroux region, she was with her boyfriend, Jared, who was wearing his cap on backwards to hide his blonde fringe was also 10 but he was from Snowpoint City.

This sentence is way too long, it need to have full stops in it. Second, going straight into a story is fine, but not in this case; There is nothign to say about who she is, where she's from, and there isn't enough to describe her, much less that an entire new region has been introduced without description! Including words that by no means am I suggesting you use - off the top of my head, in other words - this is what it should look like:

Carrie Walters, a twelve year old girl on a dazzling Emerald green boat, sailing out of the crystal clear waters of Sinnoh with her boyfriend, Jared. She had straight, flowing brown hair, and glistening Hazel eyes. She wore ~insert very descriptive description of clothes here~ and brand new red running shoes, with specially designed soles. She was from Jubilife city, and was sailing to the Osteroux region. Her boyfried, Jared, was 10 years old and was from Snowpoint city, where they met when Carrie had just won her Icicle badge from Candice, the Gymleader there. He wore his cap backwards to hide his blonde fringe. He also wore ~isnert descriptive description of clothes here~.

By the way, it seems rather strange for a 12 year old girl to go out with a 10 year old boy. Slightly strange.

Let's look at the next bit.

"Bye!"shouted Carrie at her parents.
"Hey, Carrie, come look at this!"
"What is it?"
"It's the Osteroux Region!"
"It...It's Beautiful!"
"Just like you, Carrie."
"Oh, Jared, stop it" Carrie and Jared made their way off the boat as the legendary pokemon, Lugia flew over them. Meanwhile, just leaving the Sinnoh region for the first time too was a bigger boat

There were quite a few problems with this one. I'll highlight the changes in bold

"Bye!" Carrie shouted to her parents, who were waving her off. Jared prodded her arm.
"Hey, Carrie, come look at this!" He said.
She turned to him. "What is it?" she asked.
He turned and pointed to land up ahead. "It's the Osteroux Region!"
She turned her gaze towards it, staring. "It...It's Beautiful!" she replied.
Jared smiled, looking at her. "Just like you, Carrie."
Carrie blushed, and smiled. "Oh, Jared, stop it!" she giggled. Carrie and Jared made their way off the boat, as the legendary pokemon Lugia flew overhead. Many people pointed and gasped. Jared and Carrie smiled, holding hands. Meanwhile, just leaving the Sinnoh region for the first time aswell, was a bigger, more fierce looking boat.

And finally, the part with the most problems:

"Hm, Master Comet, they have left the boat, huh? What's this?Oh, Oh, Oh, Yes, Master, Yes,She Has Left her coat on the boat!"
"Good, is her pokemon in there?"
"Yes, Master, it is, Do I snag the gible now sir?"
"No, wait until they are far away.....VERY far away..mwhahahahahahahah........"

Figures stood on the boat, watching and waiting. One man, with binoculars, said to the man who appeared to be in charge. "Hm, Master Comet, they have left the boat. Huh? What's this? Oh, Yes, Master she Has Left her coat on the boat!"
The master 'Comet' nodded, and replied: "Good, is her pokemon in there?"
The man with the binoculars nodded. "Yes, Master, it is, Do I snag the gible now sir?"
the Master Comet thought for a mement, before deciding. "No, wait until they are far away.....very far away..hahahahaha......" He laughed in a deep, sinister voice.

Once again, these are only examples, but they are still examples of what it should look like. Heed the advice, and sustain it throughout! ^^