[Pokémon] Pokemon World War

[Trainer MJB]

Summary

The year is 1997 and the world is getting ready to enter into a crisis. The four regions Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh have all teamed up to take on the biggest threat in history, Team R.A.M.G the combination of the evil syndicates of each region. The combined forces are more ruthless than ever attempting to kill everyone in their way if it means they will achieve their ultimate goal of taking control of the entire world. Anyone of the age of 18 through 26 has been mailed a letter by the government to join in the battle against this deadly foe and no is not an option. Join Leon Kimera as he embarks in this long war as he witnesses death, betrayal, defeat and most certainly success!​

Chapter 1. Departure​

The room was filled with complete silence as Leon sat and read the letter one last time before laying it face down on the table. His father and mother said nothing as they stared away trying not to show their sadness. His mother finally broke down falling to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. "This is crazy! How can they just send kids into a war like this?!" She said to his father. "The government can do as the please honey, and if he doesn't show up he will be jailed." He said clutching his fists.

Leon stood up and and headed for the nearby stairs that lead to his room without saying a word. Leon stood at about 5'10", light brown complexion, short black hair, and light brown eyes. He was a well known trainer, winning countless battles and even winning various badges around Kanto. He went into his closet and pulled out a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black tennis shoes and slipped everything on. he then turned to a nearby shelf that held six little red and white balls. He winced as he grabbed for the nearest one. He held it in his hand and stared at it for a min before pressing the middle button. The ball crackled open releasing a small purple feline pokemon with a small red gem embedded in it's forehead.

"Espey!" The small pokemon cried looking up it's trainer. Leon leaned down patting the Espeon on its head. "It's been a while since we've gone into battle Espeon but now it seems it's unavoidable now." He said as he attached the rest of the balls onto his pants. The two walked back down the stairs to Leon's parents standing by the front door. "Your supposed to be at Cinnabar Island at four thirty right?" His dad said. Leon just shook his head not saying a word. His mother ran to Leon hugging and sobbing. "I know you have to do this but please be careful I don't want to hear about my son dying." She said as she sobbed. Leon gently pushed her away and headed to the door suddenly stopping, turning around facing his parent's. "I'll come back alive I promise guys." He said trying to hold back tears as he ran out the house.

Leon lived in the small town of Pallet famous for it's peacefulness and producing of very talented Pokemon Trainers. Grabbing another one of his pokeball's he threw it into the air releasing a large, brown flying type pokemon. "Pidgeot!" The Pokemon landed putting it's head down as Leon and Espeon climbed on top of it's head. With two flaps of its wing's Pidgeot flew off heading to Cinnabar and into Leon's first days in war.

END....​

 

[moon]

Hi MJB, I'll just take the time to comment on your story :3

The year is 1997 and the world is getting ready to enter into a crisis. The four regions Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh have all teamed up to take on the biggest threat in history, Team R.A.M.G the combination of the evil syndicates of each region. The combined forces are more ruthless than ever attempting to kill everyone in their way if it means they will achieve their ultimate goal of taking control of the entire world. Anyone of the age of 18 through 26 has been mailed a letter by the government to join in the battle against this deadly foe and no is not an option. Join Leon Kimera as he embarks in this long war as he witnesses death, betrayal, defeat and most certainly success!

This isn't really what you'd call a prologue. It's more like a summary, or even something you'd find on the back of a book. A prologue should be a piece of story that comes before the actual story, something that might provide a little more information and set the mood and explain the setting a little... Which you do here, yes, but it's so concise and explanatory that it doesn't really feel like a part of the story. It feels more like a straightforward summary. So I'd suggest expanding it a little and writing it a bit more in the same style as the rest of the story, or just rename it summary! :3

Leon stood at about 5'10", light brown complexion, short black hair, and light brown eyes. He was a well known trainer, winning countless battles and even winning various badges around Kanto. He went into his closet and pulled out a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black tennis shoes and slipped everything on.

This is totally okay when writing posts in the Roleplay Corner here on PC, where people often want straightforward explanations to be able to refer well to the character when it's their turn to write. But in a fictional story that you write on your own, I'd say you should only describe looks and clothes and such this closely if it's significant for our understanding of the character in some way.

For example, if you write about an old man with no teeth or hair and eyes narrow like lines, it's probably okay to describe him like that. Because those things are things you'd think about the moment you saw him. With your trainer Leon though, there's not really a memorable or very significant look about him, or at least not from what I've picked up. So perhaps you could try to show rather than tell here. Maybe he could look himself in the mirror and pull a hand through his black hair and reflect for a moment on how his brown eyes matched his complexion? Rather than just have the narrator state what he looks like, as if a list was read out loud.
totally learned this from the moderator earlier

Also, I noticed that Leon doesn't seem to pack anything. He receives a letter and a little while later, he just takes off. Had he received the letter earlier and already packed without telling his parents, or did the letter state that he didn't need to bring any belongings beside his pokémon? Just details but it affects how believable the story is :3

Other than that, I like the way you write and like the premise. A war with pokémon that forces young people to join in? This has me intrigued. Hope you'll write more soon!

 

[Dillon1102]

Hey adventure I would just like to point out that 18 through 26 isn't really young people. That's the normal draft age in a time of war.

MJB I want to point out that team aqua and team magma want completly different things. So I was wondering if there was going to be backstory on how they become friends. Besides that I really liked your first chapter and I was saddend by how short it was. Looking forward to your next chapter.

 

[TurtleKing]

Hello there Trainer MJB! Traditionally, as a review, I'm not one to review for grammatical errors and whatnot since I'm not a perfect person with grammar myself (I don't even know if that sentence is right grammatically), but I do tend to favor reviewing a plot and sharing my opinions about the story! However, one thing I will say about your story is that you should separate the dialogue. Meaning that a paragraph, from my understanding should have two people talking in it as it gets very confusing. Separate the dialogue by starting a new line for a new character's dialogue. Now, onto the story based review!

Personally, what attracts me to fanfics are titles. Pokemon World War is a simple title, but it intrigued me nonetheless! Sometimes simplicity is best!

I liked the premise of this story as it displayed the young protagonist, Leon, saying goodbye to his parents as he heads to war at Cinnabar Island. The details of the story present it in a dark and depressing fashion, similar to how most families feel when their child is called to service in warfare. I like that you portrayed Pidgeot to be bigger than the average Pidgeot (the average Pidgeot is about five feet tall and eighty-seven pounds, surely it couldn't hold a human right?). That's a problem I faced when writing fanfictions where characters flew on Pokemon, but there are ways to manipulate your story to your liking and the audience's liking.

What I didn't like was how you sort of described your character looks directly. There are ways of describing your character indirectly so that it feels more smoothly. Instead of saying, for example, "The man had brown eyes" you could say "He gazed at the alarm clock with his brown eyes". See? It's indirect and doesn't feel like you're being systematic in your description.

I'm looking forward to the direction of this fanfiction! Feel free to PM me or respond here if you have any questions or comments about my review. :)

~TK

 

[Trainer MJB]

Chapter 2. Enlistment​

As Leon landed he recalled both of his pokemon to there pokeballs. Cinnabar was as he remembered, especially the constant burning smell. "The letter said to meet at the Pokemon Gym if I remember right." He said to himself beginning to make his way for the gym. All Leon could think about was the battle him and Cinnabar's leader, Blaine had a little while ago. He was indeed the best fire type trainer Leon had ever went up against. As he arrived at the gym he could hear noises coming from inside. "Sound's like a battle is going on." He said. He quickly swung open the door to see a big crowd of people surrounding two separate people and two pokemon.

Leon recognized both of the pokemon, Scyther on the left and Pinsir on the right, with what looks like both of their trainers behind them. "Scyther, use slash!" The trainer on the left called out. The Scyther drew it's arm back, bringing it back up as it cut the Pinsir's side. The Pinsir let out a screech and fell over. "Return, Pinsir". It's trainer said as he whipped out it's pokeball. "Ah, so nice of you to come Leon." Leon could recognize that voice from anywhere. "Takashi, what do you want?" Leon said turning around to face him.

Takashi smirked running his fingers though his brown hair, his green eyes stayed fixed on Leon's face. "I want what I alway's want when I see you Leon, a battle!" He said. "ATTENTION ALL, PLEASE LINE UP IN TWO SEPARATE LINES, WE WILL NOW BEGIN THE ENLISTMENT!" The voice came from an nearby intercom. Everyone in the building began getting in front of one another forming two lines as they we're told. "We'll settle this soon I promise." Takashi said as he walked to one line. Leon walked to the other line hoping that would keep Takashi away from him. "That guy will never learn I see." Leon said shaking his head. Leon couldn't help but noticed how different the gym looked. All of the question machines and wall's we're cleared out now. The line gradually moved, getting Leon closer and closer until he was finally at the booth.

Two men dressed in uniform sat there checking off everyone that came. "And who are you kid?" The man at the booth said. ".....Leon Kimera." Leon said looking as he looked elsewhere. "Alright your all checked off, please take these, and take care of them you only get on set. Now that your all set into those doors over there and have a seat." The man reached down and pulled up a sack and handed it to Leon. Leon quickly took the sack taking a quick peek inside to see what looked like clothes, and basic pokemon items. He walked to the doors he was pointed too and open the door and suddenly came to a stop. The room was very dark and spacious, almost a person in every seat. In the middle of the room was a stage with a single person on it.

Leon began walking down steps until he found an empty seat. Suddenly the stage let up and a mic appeared, coming up from the floor. The person grabbed it and directed his attention towards the crowd. "Is that the professor?" Leon thought to himself. "Hello everyone, if you don't know who I am my name's General Oak, formally known as Professor Oak." The man said. Leon's mouth dropped not able to grasp the image of the same professor that gave him his first pokemon in a war like this. "I've been assigned to prompt you guys on the latest new's in the war, and as of right now....we're losing." He said as his eyes locked on to the crowd. "The enemy has taken over a couple cities within the four regions, Celadon and Fuchsia here in Kanto. Olivine, Azalea, and Cianwood in Johto. Slateport in Hoenn. And Solaceon and Celestic in Sinnoh." He said. "We will split you guys up into squadron's and you are ordered to take back control over these cities, for now go back to your homes and await your orders, good luck to you all!" He said as he saluted everyone and walked off the stage.

END......​