Star's journey

[Ryuzaki_Lawliet]

CHAPTER ONE

Star was a 13 year old female. She was addicted to pokemon, and it gave her the adventure of her life!

Star was sitting on her couch, bored. The groaning expression on her face shouted, Let me out of this dump! Lead me on the path to adventure!

She eventually got bored of sitting on the couch all day, waiting for that adventure to come rocketing up to her. Finally, she had it!

"Tomorrow, Sheyanne the professor's lab is open! I'll get a pokemon from her and start my journey!" But things weren't as simple as just showing up.. and Star was about to find out.

The next morning, Star awoke and changed from her penguin pajamas into a silky golden dress. "Need to look great on this great day! Now, where did I put my bag?"

Her silver bag with skulls was the one she couldn't find, and it was packed to the top with Potions and pokeballs!

She eventually found it- Laying in her tree where an angry Mankey was!

"Aw, god! How am I supposed to get to my bag! That's it, in the house- pokechow!" She darted up to the house like lightning, and took off!

Rummaging through the kitchen, she mumbled, "Come on, pokechow.." She had found it at least after an hour of work.

"Here, Mankey!" She threw a bunch of pokechow three houses down. The Mankey chased after it. Star grabbed her bag and ran to Sheyanne's lab, before the Mankey got back.

Sheyanne was a beautiful blondie, who was about 40 years of age with the appearance of about 19.

"Sheyanne? I was wondering if I could get a pokemon, because I've been looking for challenges!"

"Of course! The pokemon I have left are rather young, so you may not be interested. I have two, so pick the one you want carefully!" Sheyanne cautioned.

The two were amazing and absolutely adorable- Pichu and Magby!

"Of course you can already guess what I want- Pichu!" Star yelled excitedly, and returned Pichu in it's ball that Sheyanne had given her.

"Looks like you already have pokeballs, so here!"

Sheyanne handed her an electronic device.

"That's a pokedex, it records information on all the pokemon you catch." Sheyanne said gleefully.

"Bye!" Star headed out the door with Pichu and a pokedex.

 

[Ryuzaki_Lawliet]

Chapter two

Star walked around in the flower patch a bit, dazed and confused. The patch was big, and she couldn't see around or over it. Just then, a blast of fire burned down the weeds.. it was Star's rival, Mizuki.

"Hey, Starry! Want to have a battle? With my awesome, well-trained Charmander?" he beckoned.

"He's not that great. Go, Pichu! Use thundershock!" Star commanded.

The little Pichu used all of its power and strength. Pretty soon, a huge, cackling thunderbolt flashed down, but Charmander dodged, as it it was a mere shock!

On the other hand, Pichu was gasping for breath, as the Thunder had wiped out most of the poor guy's energy.

"Pichu!! Volt Tackle, I believe in you~~!!"

Pichu rocketed up near Charmander, and slammed him down with Volt Tackle. But Charmander didn't want to lose.

It got right back up and waited for Mizuki's command.

"Use.. Blast Burn.."

Charmander's whole body was engorged in smoking charcoal, more than half of its health was sacrificed to use this move.

Come on! If this misses, poor Charmander will be done for! Mizuki thought, but apparently Star could read his thoughts.

"You shouldn't be such a big pushover," She said to him.

The battle between the two was getting close to the end result- Zap Cannon for Pichu and Blast Burn for Charmander- but which one is victorious?

To Be Continued..

 

[Fighting Infernape]

Wow, this is a great story, but your chapters are short, you need more writing into it and dialogue.

 

[Ryuzaki_Lawliet]

Sorry for the second one being short- I had to end it because I was forced to go to bed.

 

[Elite Overlord LeSabre™]

Hmmm... I want to like this, but there are several things...

Chapter 1

She was addicted to pokemon, and it gave her the adventure of her life!

This sentence confused me. Has she already embarked on her adventure? And what gave her the adventure of her life? Was it the Pokemon or her addiction to them?

She eventually found it- Laying in her tree where an angry Mankey was!

"Her" tree? Might be better as "a" tree, unless it's "hers" for some sentimental reason.

"Come on, pokechow.." She had found it at least after an hour of work.

Do you mean, "at last?" Because it would fit in a bit better in context.

She threw a bunch of pokechow three houses down.

Wow, three houses down... that must be one heck of a throwing arm - and some pretty acute senses on that Mankey to notice from that far away...

Sheyanne was a beautiful blonde, who was about 40 years of age with the appearance of about 19.

Also, type out most numbers less than 100. Not a really telling description either... Nineteen year olds can look vastly different.

I was wondering if I could get a pokemon, because I've been looking for challenges!

This seems odd to me as an introduction since she just barges in there and demands a challenge. Rather rudely, IMO. If I was the professor, I would have gone "Here's your challenge," and handed her a math test from Calculus 101.

The two were amazing and absolutely adorable- Pichu and Magby!

Example here of narrator bias. The narrator telling the story shouldn't make remarks about certain things or characters being "beautiful" or "ugly". it's like the narrator is forcing their opinion on the reader. Now, if Star thought that the two pokemon were "amazing and adorable" have HER say it - not the narrator. That way, it's clear that it's Star's opinion, and not what the narrator claims as "fact."

Chapter 2:

Go, Pichu! Use thundershock!" Star commanded.

The little Pichu used all of its power and strength. Pretty soon, a huge, cackling thunderbolt flashed down, but Charmander dodged, as it it was a mere shock!

On the other hand, Pichu was gasping for breath, as the Thunder had wiped out most of the poor guy's energy.

Wait, was the attack used Thundershock, Thunderbolt, or Thunder? All three were mentioned, but Thunder was the only capitalized one.

I have a problem with the starting Pokemon using Blast Burn and Volt Tackle - even though they are Egg moves, I would think that the professor would know better than to equip these Pokemon - intended to be distributed to rookie trainers - with attacks with more power than the small Pokemon - or their trainers - can properly control.

You shouldn't be such a big pushover," she said to him.

The "she" here shouldn't be capitalized. I created a grammar advice thread (linked in my sig and also stickied in the Writer's Lounge) which explains how quotations and punctuation are handled, as it IS a tricky topic that took me a while to master.

General problem with description - All I know about Star is what she's wearing, what type of bag she has, and her age. Is she tall or short? What type of build? Hair color? Her personality isn't too well developed... she's enthusiastic, a bit overbearing, but that's about it. And Mizuki has no description at all. For all I know, he could be a balding 67 year old with a white beard - like my fic character's "rival" is.

Also, the Pokemon need description. Even though this IS a Pokemon board, go into a little bit about what "Charmander", "Pichu" and "Magby" look like. Not too much, three or four sentences with their main physical details should be more than enough.

The narrator's tone bugs me a bit, too... the narration seems too "casual" for a work of fiction, especially with the overuse of exclamation points and little fourth wall breakers (including the readers in the story) like "Who will be victorious?" You'll likely want to tone down the excitement level of the narrator, and channel that excitement through Star's words, actions, and thoughts.

Overall, though, the big problem is that it's rushed. And that leads to minimal description and the lack of distinct personalities. low down the pace of the story. Have some character interaction time. Have them make comments about the surrounding environment - have them stop and smell the roses, so to speak.

Finally, if you write this on Microsoft Word or Notepad, you can save and come back to it later... no worries about posting short chapters because of bedtime.

With all that said, your grammar is pretty good and I'm always interested in these fics about a girl going on a Pokemon journey. If you slow down the pace, add in extra details and description, and add your own unique twists and turns in the plot, the potential's definitely there.

Good luck!