Spenny
Payday
- 39
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- Seen Aug 5, 2008
It all started when our uber geek, Theo, woke up in a swamp. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling really pleased, Theo deflowered a live hand grenade, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Giggling like schoolgirl, he realized that his beloved baby bassinet was missing! Immediately he called his vicariously jealous friend, Bonnet. Theo had known Bonnet for (plus or minus) 2,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Bonnet was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... oafish. Theo called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Bonnet picked up to a very unhappy Theo. Bonnet calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters panic before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually sassily cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Theo. Why was Bonnet trying to distract Theo? Because he had snuck out from Theo's with the baby bassinet only eight days prior. It was a eccentric little baby bassinet... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Theo got back to the subject at hand: his baby bassinet. Bonnet grimaced. Relunctantly, Bonnet invited him over, assuring him they'd find the baby bassinet. Theo grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bonnet realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the baby bassinet and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Theo took the Jap Trap, he had take at least eleven minutes before Theo would get there. But if he took the Big Wheel? Then Bonnet would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bonnet was interrupted by two abrasive sunfishs that were lured by his baby bassinet. Bonnet panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he recklessly reached for his ninja star and skillfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Big Wheel rolling up. It was Theo.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Theo was out of the Big Wheel and went earnestly jaunting toward Bonnet's front door. Meanwhile inside, Bonnet was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the baby bassinet into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his hammock. Bonnet was pleased but at least the baby bassinet was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Bonnet surreptitiously purred. With a careful push, Theo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying zealous...zealot in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Bonnet assured him. Theo took a seat alarmingly close to where Bonnet had hidden the baby bassinet. Bonnet sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Theo was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Bonnet noticed a selfish look on Theo's face. Theo slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Bonnet felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Theo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the baby bassinet right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Theo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Theo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bonnet could react, Theo aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The baby bassinet was plainly in view.
Theo stared at Bonnet for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Bonnet groped flamboyantly in Theo's direction, clearly desperate. Theo grabbed the baby bassinet and bolted for the door. It was locked. Bonnet let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Theo,' he rebuked. Bonnet always had been a little dimwitted, so Theo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Bonnet did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his baby bassinet tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Bonnet looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Theo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Theo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Bonnet walked over to the window and looked down. Theo was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Theo was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Bonnet's place. Theo had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral sunfishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the baby bassinet. One by one they latched on to Theo. Already weakened from his injury, Theo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sunfishs running off with his baby bassinet.
About three hours later, Theo awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Theo did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy fanstic pumpkin patch, Theo was excessively lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his baby bassinet was taken by the sunfishs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized sunfish emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha sunfish. Theo opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the sunfish sunk its teeth into Theo's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Theo's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Bonnet was entombed by anguish over the loss of the baby bassinet. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Theo... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the baby bassinet that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant sunfishs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(
Bonnet picked up to a very unhappy Theo. Bonnet calmly assured him that most spotted wolf hamsters panic before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually sassily cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Theo. Why was Bonnet trying to distract Theo? Because he had snuck out from Theo's with the baby bassinet only eight days prior. It was a eccentric little baby bassinet... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Theo got back to the subject at hand: his baby bassinet. Bonnet grimaced. Relunctantly, Bonnet invited him over, assuring him they'd find the baby bassinet. Theo grabbed his refrigerator and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Bonnet realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the baby bassinet and he had to do it carefully. He figured that if Theo took the Jap Trap, he had take at least eleven minutes before Theo would get there. But if he took the Big Wheel? Then Bonnet would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Bonnet was interrupted by two abrasive sunfishs that were lured by his baby bassinet. Bonnet panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he recklessly reached for his ninja star and skillfully backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the magical cornfield, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Big Wheel rolling up. It was Theo.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of gerbils, so he knew he was running late. With a deft leap, Theo was out of the Big Wheel and went earnestly jaunting toward Bonnet's front door. Meanwhile inside, Bonnet was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the baby bassinet into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind his hammock. Bonnet was pleased but at least the baby bassinet was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Bonnet surreptitiously purred. With a careful push, Theo opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying zealous...zealot in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Bonnet assured him. Theo took a seat alarmingly close to where Bonnet had hidden the baby bassinet. Bonnet sighed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Theo was distracted. Before anyone could take off their pants, Bonnet noticed a selfish look on Theo's face. Theo slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Bonnet felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Theo asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the baby bassinet right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Theo's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Theo nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Bonnet could react, Theo aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The baby bassinet was plainly in view.
Theo stared at Bonnet for what what must've been five nanoseconds. Ever so extemperaneously, Bonnet groped flamboyantly in Theo's direction, clearly desperate. Theo grabbed the baby bassinet and bolted for the door. It was locked. Bonnet let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Theo,' he rebuked. Bonnet always had been a little dimwitted, so Theo knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Bonnet did something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his baby bassinet tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Bonnet looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Theo. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Theo. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Bonnet walked over to the window and looked down. Theo was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Theo was struggling to make his way through the bush behind Bonnet's place. Theo had severely hurt his scalp during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral sunfishs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the baby bassinet. One by one they latched on to Theo. Already weakened from his injury, Theo yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of sunfishs running off with his baby bassinet.
About three hours later, Theo awoke, his double chin throbbing. It was dark and Theo did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy fanstic pumpkin patch, Theo was excessively lost. Absolutely thrilled, he remembered that his baby bassinet was taken by the sunfishs. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a oversized sunfish emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha sunfish. Theo opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the sunfish sunk its teeth into Theo's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Theo's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than two miles away, Bonnet was entombed by anguish over the loss of the baby bassinet. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened ninja star. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Theo... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the baby bassinet that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant sunfishs, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(