Besides what Yami Rui has said, I have more...and are you "Yami Ryu" from Serebii?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oohwee, another text blob. Main thing here is spacing and description. -_-
XD This reminds me of my first fanfic. Eheh, of course the only reason I didn't space for mine was because I thought it was possible to indent and all just like on MSW. I know some things about fic writing now. I know a chapter has to be at least worth about two well written pages to get anyone interested. At least that's what I say.
Listen, I'm gonna help you out here and re-write your fic for you to SHOW YOU how it could be improved. :)
Okay people, this is my first fan-fic so I want all you got! Any critique you give will make me better, thank you!
Region~Hayaso
Main Character~Kariana (Kari) Lotus
Hometown~Iona Town (Purple Town) Normally stuff like this top info thingie turns me off. It gives me the impression sometimes, unless the writer blasts me away with good chapters and all, that they are either too lazy to write in description for information like this, or don't know how to...but that's just me.
The prolouge~
"Kariana! Will you wake up?!" Kari sleepily blinked open her eyes. Kariana, mom called me Kariana? No one calls me Kariana unless I'm in trouble, why is she calling me Kariana? "Kariana! Get out of bed this instant! Professor Willow called to ask where you were!" Professor Willow? What does she want with, wait a minute. Today is my birthday, today I start my adventure! Kari jumped out of bed, her sleepiness forgotten. She quickly brushed her long blonde hair and put on some clothes. Then, with that, she rushed out the door.
In the Hayaso region, within Iona town, a young girl was about to get a rude awakening.
(You could bulk this up telling more about these places. Since I know nothing about them, I can't give an example.)
"Kariana, will you wake up?" the yell jump-started Kari's brain, and her eyes fluttered open.
Kariana(This first 'Kariana' could be left out. It's a beautiful name, but don't rub it in SO much!)...mom called me Kariana? No one calls me that unless I'm in trouble. (This last thought sentence was not really needed. It emphasizes what you've already shown us in the last two sentences. Nix it.)
"Kariana, get out of bed this instant! Professor Willow called to ask where you were!
(You could choose between a !
or .
endmark here.)
Professor Willow? What does she want with me...? Wait a minute! Today is my birthday, the day I start my adventure!
In seconds Kari was wide awake, rushing to the mirror to brush her hair. After doing all she could to get herself ready, she picked out an outfit, changed into it,
(describe it) and rushed out the front door.
End notes: See how I spaced the text? Take out my bolded notes to see how this really looks. IT NEEDS MORE!
Overall, your fanfic has potential. If you would not just assume we know everything about your story, and not explain or describe anything whatsoever, then this fic would be so much better.
BIG QUESTIONS: (Her mom is calling her, right? Why doesn't she say goodbye to her parent? What kind of TROUBLE is she in? Becoming a trainer isn't trouble, is it? Maybe that should say "unless there is an important occasion" or something along those lines. ELABORATE, PLEASE!)
