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- Seen Mar 2, 2014
After reading The Onion for a month, I decided I want to start my own joke newspaper =P A good friend of mine suggested the name "The Cahoot" which I think sounds good despite not really understanding it.
Beware mature themes and language at times ^^ I will have warnings attached to each article
Warnings: Some sexual innuendo, one instante of strong language
Breakfast cereal icons across America gather in mourning today for the loss of good friend, Ebenezer Trix Rabbit. The rabbit died on January Twenty-Seventh 2007 at the age of fourty-six, finally succumbing to his perpetual starvation. He was found dead in his hole at Omaha, Nebraska, chewing on his foot.
Many of us grew up watching the long-eared creature desperately seeking Trix Cereal, attempting to steal it from children. After an unsuccessful stick-figure Flamingo logo, General Mills ran the ad-campaign for most of Ebenezer's life, filming his whacky fight for survival. In later years, the rabbit tried to get Trix yogurt as well. In the 1976 election, General Mills held a special promotion to have kids vote for whether the Trix Rabbit should finally get his cereal. An overwhelming 99% voted "Yes!" It was said that that one bowl of cereal sustained him for his entire life.
"Why doesn't he just eat some carrots?" many question. The answer is simple. Like the panda can only eat bamboo, the Ebenezer Trix Rabbit can only eat Trix. A top scientist at General Mills recently revealed to me that the Trix Rabbit was genetically engineered this way, providing laughs for generations watching the rabbit's desperate plight.
A handful of mourners held a candlelight vigil outside of his rabbit hole. Many famous figures were present including Lucky the Lucky Charms leprechaun, great uncle Bugs Bunny, and best friend Roger Rabbit (a 1985 scandal suggested the two had a gay affair). He will be buried in Hollywood, California, a place Roger Rabbit says "was the dream home of the Trix Rabbit. Once he had stolen enough Trix cereal, he planned on marrying a nice female rabbit, buying a home in Hollywood, pursuing a career in the film industry, and having hot steamy rabbit sex with his wife three times a day."
Meanwhile, kids all over America rejoice at the death of their long-time enemy. In Nashville, Tennessee, fourth-grader Eddie Canole organized a huge bonfire party where a gigantic effigy of the rabbit was burned. "The fucker deserved to die a painful death," Canole said. "My only wish is that I didn't get to see him suffer more."
Behind the scenes of those delightfully hilarious television ads, however, the Trix Rabbit did indeed suffer. What many didn't know is that the Rabbit only attempted to steal cereal once or twice a month. Most days he was confined to bed rest, severely drained by the lack of nutrition. Lucky recalls his visits to Ebenezer's home, "I would often just sit beside him and hold his paw while he quietly moaned for Trix."
He was only able to muster energy once a month because of his addiction to ecstasy. "We tried an intervention once, but then we realized ecstasy is the only thing keeping him going. If he isn't able to chase kids for cereal, the executives at General Mill were going to shoot him," Bugs Bunny testified despondently in a 1995 trial. Ebenezer was acquitted of possession after a generous payoff by General Mills
The rabbit experienced more trouble with the law than just drugs, however. In 2003, the rabbit murdered four children under the age of ten with an AK-47 for Trix Yogurt. He was apprehended by police just as he placed in spoon into the rich, kidoriffic delight. The jury found him not guilty by reason of hunger.
McDonald's icon Ronald McDonald was a harsh critic of the Trix Bunny. "The guy made millions off these ads! Why didn't he just go to the store and buy some Trix?" Roger Rabbit, however, defended his long time companion. "No store would sell to a Rabbit. And no human would buy Trix and give it to the Rabbit, after the Kennedy-Thurmond Bill made it a felony in 1977." Coincidentally, the processing of this bill was depicted in the Schoolhouse Rock cartoon.
Whether he was an idiot or a beloved commercial star, the Ebenezer Trix Rabbit will be missed by millions. The funeral date has not been set yet, but it has been confirmed it will be a private service. General Mills chairman Stephen Sanger assured America in a national address that "a new Trix Bunny has already been released into the wild. Our lovely commercials will prevail forever and ever…and ever."
Beware mature themes and language at times ^^ I will have warnings attached to each article
Warnings: Some sexual innuendo, one instante of strong language
Trix Rabbit Dies of Starvation
Breakfast cereal icons across America gather in mourning today for the loss of good friend, Ebenezer Trix Rabbit. The rabbit died on January Twenty-Seventh 2007 at the age of fourty-six, finally succumbing to his perpetual starvation. He was found dead in his hole at Omaha, Nebraska, chewing on his foot.
Many of us grew up watching the long-eared creature desperately seeking Trix Cereal, attempting to steal it from children. After an unsuccessful stick-figure Flamingo logo, General Mills ran the ad-campaign for most of Ebenezer's life, filming his whacky fight for survival. In later years, the rabbit tried to get Trix yogurt as well. In the 1976 election, General Mills held a special promotion to have kids vote for whether the Trix Rabbit should finally get his cereal. An overwhelming 99% voted "Yes!" It was said that that one bowl of cereal sustained him for his entire life.
"Why doesn't he just eat some carrots?" many question. The answer is simple. Like the panda can only eat bamboo, the Ebenezer Trix Rabbit can only eat Trix. A top scientist at General Mills recently revealed to me that the Trix Rabbit was genetically engineered this way, providing laughs for generations watching the rabbit's desperate plight.
A handful of mourners held a candlelight vigil outside of his rabbit hole. Many famous figures were present including Lucky the Lucky Charms leprechaun, great uncle Bugs Bunny, and best friend Roger Rabbit (a 1985 scandal suggested the two had a gay affair). He will be buried in Hollywood, California, a place Roger Rabbit says "was the dream home of the Trix Rabbit. Once he had stolen enough Trix cereal, he planned on marrying a nice female rabbit, buying a home in Hollywood, pursuing a career in the film industry, and having hot steamy rabbit sex with his wife three times a day."
Meanwhile, kids all over America rejoice at the death of their long-time enemy. In Nashville, Tennessee, fourth-grader Eddie Canole organized a huge bonfire party where a gigantic effigy of the rabbit was burned. "The fucker deserved to die a painful death," Canole said. "My only wish is that I didn't get to see him suffer more."
Behind the scenes of those delightfully hilarious television ads, however, the Trix Rabbit did indeed suffer. What many didn't know is that the Rabbit only attempted to steal cereal once or twice a month. Most days he was confined to bed rest, severely drained by the lack of nutrition. Lucky recalls his visits to Ebenezer's home, "I would often just sit beside him and hold his paw while he quietly moaned for Trix."
He was only able to muster energy once a month because of his addiction to ecstasy. "We tried an intervention once, but then we realized ecstasy is the only thing keeping him going. If he isn't able to chase kids for cereal, the executives at General Mill were going to shoot him," Bugs Bunny testified despondently in a 1995 trial. Ebenezer was acquitted of possession after a generous payoff by General Mills
The rabbit experienced more trouble with the law than just drugs, however. In 2003, the rabbit murdered four children under the age of ten with an AK-47 for Trix Yogurt. He was apprehended by police just as he placed in spoon into the rich, kidoriffic delight. The jury found him not guilty by reason of hunger.
McDonald's icon Ronald McDonald was a harsh critic of the Trix Bunny. "The guy made millions off these ads! Why didn't he just go to the store and buy some Trix?" Roger Rabbit, however, defended his long time companion. "No store would sell to a Rabbit. And no human would buy Trix and give it to the Rabbit, after the Kennedy-Thurmond Bill made it a felony in 1977." Coincidentally, the processing of this bill was depicted in the Schoolhouse Rock cartoon.
Whether he was an idiot or a beloved commercial star, the Ebenezer Trix Rabbit will be missed by millions. The funeral date has not been set yet, but it has been confirmed it will be a private service. General Mills chairman Stephen Sanger assured America in a national address that "a new Trix Bunny has already been released into the wild. Our lovely commercials will prevail forever and ever…and ever."