[Pokémon] The End Of Team Rocket

[CliveKoopa]

Author's Note: With my last fic discontinued, I am going to start on a different fanfic. This is a fic I have been meaning to try for a long time and had the idea a few years ago. A lot of what I remember is forgotten because I no longer have the paperwork so I'm going to start again with fresh ideas as well some of the ideas what I already still remember.


The End Of Team Rocket


Chapter 1
In the north of Verdanturf Town lived a young man who was very passionate about pokemon. This man was called Ben or to give him his full name, Ben Gallagher.
Ben was a 25 year old working for the Pokemon Protection Squad or PPS for short. His job was to protect any pokemon from unnecessary harm whatever the circumstances may be. He was writing some notes in his diary when he got a surprise phone call on his works phone. He put down his diary and pen and picked up the phone.


"Hello?" he called through the phone.


"Is that Ben Gallagher of the PPS?" a female voice asked in quite a serious tone.


"Yes. How may I help?" Ben replied.


"I have some vital information for you. I need to see you right away," the voice said.


"Who is this?" Ben asked quite concerned.


"My name is Fiona, I work for the International Liberation for Pokemon Society. I have had a tipoff from unknown sources with some important information regarding Team Rocket," the lady replied.


Ben had heard of that group Fiona mentioned before, he had met with certain members previously on pokemon related jobs.


"Where are you now? Where do you want us to meet?" Ben asked.


"Meet me outside Verdanturf Town by the west exit," Fiona said. "This cannot wait. I am standing at the exit now."


"I'll be there," Ben said and quickly hung up and left his house. He left Verdanturf Town at the location Fiona said to meet her at. He saw her standing by a tree and she walked up to him recognising him straight away even though he didn't recognise her.


"You must be Ben, I have heard so much about you," Fiona said. She was in her early 20s with short blueish hair. "As you may have already guessed, I am Fiona. Nice to meet you."


"Nice to meet you too. So what's this about Team Rocket?" Ben asked.


"Lets walk away from here first, I'll tell you when we are a bit deeper in the woods away from everyone," Fiona replied. They walked for about fifteen minutes until they sat down next to a lake.


"This is a perfect spot to talk, no people around, just lots of pokemon to look at while I tell you what this is about," Fiona said. After a brief pause, Fiona spoke.


"Okay, so one of my spies within Viridian City's Team Rocket's headquarters has gotten back to me. What she has told me greatly disturbed and upset me. Giovanni has gotten more dangerous than we ever could imagine. He has recruited a bunch of more grunts to do his dirty work. Stealing pokemon doesn't seem to be enough now, he is sending his men to kill trainers and word has it that some pokemon have been murdered too." Fiona said. Ben couldn't believe what he was hearing.


"Oh my god, they have gone too far. So what do we do? How are we going to stop them?" Ben asked.


"We need all the help we can get. I asked for your help because I know how good you are at saving pokemon. You love pokemon just as much as I do and that is the kind of people we need, people who care so much about them that they would give their lives to protect those in need," Fiona said.


"Indeed. Team Rocket must be destroyed as do all those other teams. But for now, we should focus on Team Rocket first," Ben replied.


"Right. They must not get away with this. Team Rocket will cease to exist at the end of this, mark my words," Fiona warned.


"I am guessing other groups are already aware also and will be making plans for this also," Ben said.


"Oh yeah, its not all entirely secret and some of Team Rocket's crimes have been commited in broad daylight," Fiona replied.


"Well we should make a move now. What is the quickest way to get to Viridian City?" Ben asked.


"We can get a fast train there, it will get us there in a little over three hours," Fiona replied.


"Okay, well we should get going now then. Chances are this is going to get really dangerous. Giovanni is probably already making his next move." Ben said as they both got back up and walked back to Verdanturf Town to make their way to the local train station.

 

[Nolafus]

In the north of Verdanturf Town lived a young man who was very passionate about pokemon.

"North" isn't a place, so someone can't live in the north. I think this would work much better worded as, "In the area north of..."

"Hello?" he called through the phone.

You don't need to add "through the phone", as that is already implied by the context of the story. Also, the first quotation mark on just about every dialogue segment looks really weird. It didn't translate here, since your formatting changes didn't transfer, but if you look at your post, you'll see what I mean.

"I am guessing other groups are already aware also and will be making plans for this also," Ben said.

You said "also" twice, and the entire segment is just awkwardly written. I would recommend revising it.

The first thing I noticed is that your dialogue is a little choppy. In other words, it doesn't quite sound like human speech. Here's what I mean:

"I am guessing other groups are already aware also and will be making plans for this also," Ben said.

Well, other than being awkwardly worded, there are a few things that tip off the reader. The first, is the apparent lack of contractions. When speaking, most people don't say "I am", but rather shorten it into "I'm". If you want realistic speech, you have to follow the patterns of everyday speech. If you're having trouble with this, try saying it out loud. I can guarantee you're going to struggle with it the first time because I tried saying it out loud, and got about halfway through it before I had to start over. Think about how you would explain it, and use something like that instead. If it's awkward to say, then it's going to be awkward for the reader to read.

The other thing I should touch on is showing v telling. This is arguably the most difficult aspect of writing, and it's something the most experienced writers struggle with from time to time. So, don't be mad or disappointed if you don't get it right away. It takes a lot of practice to get even the basics down. I will once again provide an example:

In the north of Verdanturf Town lived a young man who was very passionate about pokemon. This man was called Ben or to give him his full name, Ben Gallagher.
Ben was a 25 year old working for the Pokemon Protection Squad or PPS for short. His job was to protect any pokemon from unnecessary harm whatever the circumstances may be.

Right now, you're telling us all this information, and I have one word for you, boring. I don't mean to be harsh, but this section could use a bit of spicing up. In order to show, try to think of examples. Instead of telling the reader he likes pokemon, show an example of when he climbs a tree to help a stuck Skitty, or something. It's less about words, and more about examples. Anyone can be friendly, but it's a matter of examples to show the reader how friendly.

Instead of plunging the reader right into the plot, you have to take the time to show the reader their surroundings and let them get their bearings. I'm not talking about describing what's around them (although, that would be nice too), I'm talking about walking your reader through a normal day for the character. Have him help a pokemon, and then call it back to headquarters, or have him march right into headquarters for a monthly agent check, or something. Just don't tell the reader. I can guarantee that the first couple paragraphs could have made up one, two, maybe even three chapters. It's all about letting your reader slide comfortably into your story, instead of dropping a brick of information on their head. Which, I kind of felt that brick in the introduction.

Also, I would give a little more thought about description. Don't describe everything at once, like Fiona's appearance, but rather reveal the information as it becomes relevant. Have Fiona brush her short, blue hair out of her [enter eye color here] eyes. It's that simple. It seems like you're rushing through the description and heading straight into the dialogue. I do the exact same thing, and description is a really hard thing to get down, but keep working at it. I'm sure we'll get the hang of it eventually.

I know I pointed out a lot of negatives, but don't feel bad about it. It just means that there's some stuff to work on. This isn't bad, but there's room for improvement. However, with just a bit of polishing and elbow grease, I guarantee you that the quality of this will skyrocket. The potential is here, there are little glimmers of potential throughout this chapter, I'm just trying to help you reach it. I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but I'm not really one for sugar-coating things. Just keep the things I have said in mind, and I think you'll be surprised with your improvement as you progress with the story. Good job, and I wish you luck with future chapters!

 

[CliveKoopa]

What do you mean it isn't a place? "In the north of [insert place name here]" is correct. He lives in the north part of Verdanturf Town, not outside.

As for the rest of the review, thanks. Going to rewrite this chapter anyway taking all the feedback I've received in places I've posted this.

 

[Nolafus]

What do you mean it isn't a place? "In the north of [insert place name here]" is correct. He lives in the north part of Verdanturf Town, not outside.

As for the rest of the review, thanks. Going to rewrite this chapter anyway taking all the feedback I've received in places I've posted this.

Ah, when I read that first, I read it as he was living outside in the forest with the pokemon. Alright, my bad!

In the north of Verdanturf Town lived a young man who was very passionate about pokemon.

Well, then I would recommend adding "part" right after "north" so the reader knows that Ben still lives in the town.

 

[CliveKoopa]

That got me thinking actually. In the anime, didn't Ash go to North Petalburg? But it is treated as a different place to Petalburg City. What's going on there?

Anyway back to the fic, I am going to revamp this. I do agree this was quite rushed as was my last fic.