The Extinction Of Man [U]

[starlightartist]

The Extinction Of Man

Chapter I:The End Is Near Part I
"What can we do?",wailed Toby, terrified at the news.This news was that the end of the world was coming in June 2010.No joke, no hoax.It was true.
Over 100 atom bombs had been found in each hemisphere of this great planet.
"You mean,"replied Johnny, correcting Toby,"What can we try to think of that PROBABLY will never work!" Johnny was scared
,he was scared of what he saw last night.
Last night, Johnny was going for a walk in the moonlight on his own, "I wonder if I'm nearly home?"thought Johnny aloud, to no-one inpaticular.
Then infront of him, on the ground lay a heavily creased jacket with darkened scarlet red stains.
Then from behind him he heard footsteps, he span round quickly scanning what he saw but Johnny, with his naked eyes, could not see anything.
Sam, Johnny's other friend, told him he should have called the police.

The next day, Johnny and his friends met up again,
"Hang on Johnny, isn't your dad a policeman?" asked sam
"Yeah, why?"
"Well maybe we could get a closer look at the bombs!"
That night, Johnny's dad gave him a picture of a bomb, Johnny immediately phoned his friends and invited them over.
As the trio squinted at the bomb, Sam could see a faint imprint.
The others also saw this, but only after Sam mentioned it.
It was an imprinted symbol that read 'Quazar technology'
This meant something and Johnny knew it.That night, Johnny spent all his time researching.
He eventually found the man behind it was 'Professor Quazar'.
Johnny only told Sam and Toby his findings.
Little did they know, this mystery was far more complex...



END OF CHAPTER I PART I

*note Quazar is, in this story, supposed to be spelt with a z.

Thanks, ¬Harv¬

 

[Sora's Nobody]

Hmmm... I like it, it's bound to be an interesting story. Im also gonna give you some constructim criticisme, fx in this part of the text

This news was that the end of the world was coming in June 2010.No joke, no hoax.It was true.Over 100 atom bombs had been found in each hemisphere of this great planet.

The news scomes a little to fast, try doing it through a dialogue,

also "No joke, no hoax. It was true." comes of in my mind a little unserious.

also "This news was that the end of the world was coming in June 2010." How would people know that the world ends june 2010? Did Proffesor quazar announce it on the news?

and lastly "Over 100 atom bombs had been found in each hemisphere of this great planet." That would take a worldwide in-depth search to find all those atomic bombs, which they wherent actually looking for probably. What about in the next chapters, you go in to the past, 2 weeks or someting. and through a few chapter you explain what trigered it the search.

 

[starlightartist]

Ok, I understand.


but the bombs hadd cllocks on them which will be explained later.

thanks for the tip will consider it.

 

[Captain Fabio]

First off, good effort! =]

Some constructive criticism now.

~Check your spacing.
~Some of the lines are a little clunky to read.

This news was that the end of the world was coming in June 2010.

That line is a little weird to read, changing it to something like:

"The news confirmed it; the world was going to end in the month of June, 2010."

Or:

"The world would come to an end, in the month of June 2010, the news confirmed."

They aren't great examples, but you get what I mean.
Hope this helps.

 

[starlightartist]

Ok, so should I post part II today or next week

 

[Kipher]

Well, I love a good terrorist plot in my cup of coffe, but what?

100 atomic bombs in each hemisphere of the planet? You need some sort of reasoning behind this, I meanm suicidal extremist are one thing, but it's another reason for a corporate group to do such a thing.


I mean I get this crap everyday from drafts of fiction stories I asign as assignments.

" Hang on Johnny, isn't your dad a policeman?" asked Sam

thought Johnny aloud, to no-one inpaticular.

Form the thing into a paragraph boy, very blocky and awkwerd to read.


And if the imprinted symbol, is in fact ON the bomb, would'nt this be already known to the first responders?


You also have fairly *ahem* horrible* timing. There just is'nt any sizable spacing between this and that.