The Poké Sting

[A Pixy]

(I do not own Pokémon)

It all started one breezy and warm day in Pallet town. Ash, Misty and Brock were happily looking after Prof. Oak's lab while he was at a convention. They had only one more chore to take care of," Get a batch of royal honey from a the hive in Viridian Forest." Brock read aloud
"I wonder why?" Ash asked
"Probably for study or something." Misty replied
"I'll watch the Pokémon while you two go get the Honey."
"Okay!" Ash shouted as he ran out the door
"Wait for me!" Misty shouted after
'Yes!' Misty shouted in her mind,' some alone time with Ash.'

An hour later

Misty of coarse was clinging on to Ash like that weird sticky orange stain you find on your sofa or carpet. Obviously, because she liked him, and because she was scared of bug Pokémon," Hey look, there's the hive." Ash pointed out as he saw the hive, which was as big as a rec centre. As soon as Misty saw it her jaw dropped," They're so cute!" She exclaimed as she let go of Ash," Come on let's go inside!" And she ran in
"Now you're eager aren't you?"

The golden hive was beautiful! There were Combee happily working. Some alone and some in big chunks as they do sometimes. There was a strong scent of honey and the light was bouncing off the honey making it look more like gold! They were happily walking thru until," There it is. The royal jelly." Ash said as he pointed to a river of yellow jelly. Misty quickly ran over. Ash pulled out a jar from his knapsack, opened it up, placed it in the river and waited for it fill," Okay, time to go." Ash said as he placed the lid back on the jar. Just then, something caught Misty's eye," WOW!" She shouted as her eyes turned into hearts (you know how anime is). She ran to the river to find a 3-foot tall baby Vespiquen that was sleeping. She picked it up and cradled it," Isn't it cute?" Misty said as she showed it to Ash
"Yah, I guess." Ash replied
"I'm gonna take it home with me."
Then all of a sudden, the Combee converging and buzzing in one big circle," What are they doing?" Misty asked
"They're gonna attack! Run!" Ash shouted as he grabbed Misty's hand
'This would be so nice if I weren't about to die!' Misty said in her head

Eventually Ash and Misty made it out. They were panting and heavily breathing next to a tree," Wow, that was pretty entertaining huh?" Misty asked sarcastically
"I did most of the work. You were barely running." Ash replied
"On the bright side, I get to keep this Vespiquen." Just then, the Vepiquen woke up. When didn't see it's mother it freaked out! It flew up in the air and pulled out a big yellow and rounded stinger from its bottom," That's anticlimactic." And then a sharp black stinger came out of that," Uh-oh." Misty added. The Vespiquen attacked. The next few seconds were in slow motion. The Vespiquen dove in. Misty shrieked like, like… well like a girl," Noooo!" Ash shouted as he jumped in the way. And the stinger went right thru him and just touched Misty," Heh, that's a little boo boo." Misty said as she looked at her small wound. The Vespiquen flew away," Right Ash." Ash didn't respond," Ash?" Ash was on the ground, cringing with a big broken Vespiquen stinger in his belly area, then his legs let up," Ash?" Misty said a bit more worringly. She turned Ash's cringing body over and showed the big fat stinger in him, his eyes were blank and open and a little bit of blood was running down his face. Misty shrieked like crazy and tears were running down her face really fast. Like her whole world was hit with a sledge hammer.

DUN DUN DUN

End of chapter 1

 

[Buoysel]

Was this a chapter or a prologue?

Either way, it was certainly interesting. (I have always wanted Pikachu to die, but his trainer is good enough.)

You need just a little more description inside the hive. What color was it? How was the lighting? What did it smell like? Ask yourself what it was like inside, and then do your best to describe it on paper, uh, I mean in text.

I really like how you describe the way Misty was clinging on to Ash.

Your story has potential. But for now, it is too short.

No errors sticking out like a soar thumb

 

[A Pixy]

Thank you for the critique. I'll work on it and get back to you.

 

[Twisting River]

I liked it. I was surprised that Ash got attacked like that. Good work, I hope you add more later!

 

[Saltare.]

im a bit confused, were Sinnoh Pokemon becoming relivant in Kanto? Either way great story

 

[A Pixy]

Well, I think I did good

Chapter 2 comin' at ya

(I don't own Pokémon)
3:12 PM KWST (Kanto Western Standard Time)
It was the saddest day for Misty, Delia and a dozen other people. It was the day of Ash's funeral," I can't believe I killed Ash!" Misty shouted
May put her hand "Misty it wasn't your fault that you killed one of the nicest, most selfless, handsomest-" And May started crying into her hands too," Who am I kidding. You killed him!" She screamed as she pointed to Misty. Misty dropped her head," May you're not helping." Brock said," Misty's in a fragile state. She could snap at any given moment."
"But she killed him!" May shouted under her tears
"Life goes on sis," Max said as he patted his sister on the back," Life goes on. Ash was a great guy but life goes on."
"Yah, he was a good teacher too," Added Dawn
"Yep," Morrison added," I only regret I never got that rematch."
"I'm sure we all have regrets but like I said, life goes on. With or without Ash." Max said

That night Misty had heard that Royal Combee Jelly helps you sleep. So, she snagged it from Oak's lab," Okay, one teaspoon is all I need." Misty said as she ate a teaspoon of it," Who am I kidding I'll never go to-" And Misty fell asleep.
"Misty!" Misty heard in space
"Ash, is that you?" Misty shouted back. And Ash's big eyes and hat appeared and was floating," Ash?"
"Yep it's me Misty."
"Ash, is this real?"
"Yah, and If you don't believe me, I had a present for you in my closet." And a present appeared in Ash's hands and he gave it to Misty," And there's one thing I need you to do."
"What?"
"I need you to wake up."
"Huh?"
And Misty woke," Was that all a dream? Or was it?"

11:31 KWST

Misty had gathered everyone to Ash's closet," Okay, I know that you all think Ash is dead, but he contacted me in my dreams." Misty said
"What did he say?" Tracey asked
"He said he had a present for me in this closet." Misty opened the closet. It was empty except for a small box. Everyone gasped," See, he's still alive somewhere." Misty checked a tag that was on it," From Ash to Mom? Date May 11th? This is a mother's day present Ash forgot to give to his mother." Misty said before she gave the present to Ash's mom. She opened it and it was a necklace with small beads and a shell in the middle. Misty screamed with her hands on her head and ran out of there fast.

 

[Twisting River]

Nice update, looking forward to part three!

 

[Guillermo]

Is this a replca of that Futurama episode? I think it is aha! But it is good so keep it up!

 

[Heroes]

Is this a replca of that Futurama episode? I think it is aha! But it is good so keep it up!

Haha, I'll agree. It looks very much like it but I love how it's turning out.

 

[Astinus]

There's no length requirement in the rules. Just because his chapter doesn't reach three to four pages in Microsoft Word doesn't mean that his story breaks the rules. There is no length requirement in the rules.

I would also suggest giving examples as to what you mean by more description. There's also the fact that you claim there's no grammar errors when there's basic grammar errors that he made.

Mystery Treecko, I highly suggest that you take more time writing your story. You only took one day to write out this chapter and post it. You should spend more time working on your story, checking it over for errors, and then posting it. If you aren't sure about grammar or some other aspect of writing, apply for a Beta in the Beta Thread.

One of the basic things you can do to improve your chapter is to hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph. Then your story is easier on the eyes, and more people will be willing to read it.

I also have to say that your first chapter is actually better in quality than your second. I'm not sure what happened.

Read through the stickied Grammar Advice thread in the Writer's Lounge sub-forum. It'll explain how to properly punctuate dialogue, which seems to be your biggest problem. Right now, I will tell you to worry more about fixing up your grammar than worrying about improving everything at once.

Just take more time on writing your chapters. Read over the stickied guides in the Lounge. Check out the Beta Thread. Read a few of the fics here to see how others write.

Besides, I don't think that the story you want to tell is bad. In fact, I've always liked stories like yours (communication from beyond the dead). It just needs some improvement in the readability department.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Hah.
I actually thought of the Futurama episode when I was reading this. You so copied it.

 

[A Pixy]

This is. This is a parody of the episode the Sting. When Fry dies. Replaced him with Ash.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Fry/Ash doesn't die...no one actually dies...

Spoiler:

Leela/Misty goes into a coma in which she dreams Ash/Fry is dead.

Anyway, I'm wondering how well you can parody that episode...You know, it would be epic to parody the time-warpey thing episode.

 

[A Pixy]

I'm not finished yet. You should know.

 

[A Pixy]

Alas, all good things must come to an end.

Here is the 3rd and final chapter of The Poké Sting

(I don't own Pokémon)

That night, Misty had yet another dream. She was sleeping and when she opened her eyes she was sitting on a carriage next to Ash. There was no driver and the Stantler were running by themselves in a big winter-y wonderland," Ash, it's you again." Misty said
"Yep, welcome to Snowpoint Hills. Nice isn't it." Ash replied
"Yah." Misty said as she rubbed her arms in the cold
"Here, take my vest." Ash said as he gave Misty his vest (Sinnoh BTW)," One more thing."
"Yah?"
"I need you to wake up."
"No, NO! This isn't a dream! This isn't a dream!" Misty shouted as she clenched her head
She screamed as she woke up. And she noticed," Ash's jacket!?" was on top of her," Ash must be alive!"

The next day Misty once again gathered everyone in her room," Okay, I know my last try was a blunder, but this one is real for sure!" Misty shouted as she picked up a coat hanger with a veil on it. She took off the veil and," See."
"Misty, that's not Ash's jacket, it's yours." May said pointing out it was Misty's pink sweater.
"Come on Misty, don't worry." Max said as he started to sting just before a tiny Vespiquen came," Bee." It said
"Happy." And it stung him in the back, causing him to explode and the place somehow turned into an ice rink, with Misty in the middle," Don't worry." Prof. Oak said with Gary on his shoulders
"Bee." Said the Vespiquen
"Happy." And it stung him
"Okay, I'm happy!" Gary shouted, just before he got stung
"So don't worry." May and Dawn said together as they were spinning around
"Bee." Said the Vespiquen
"Happy!" They both shouted before they got stung . There was a huge fireworks show and Misty was back in her room.
"Did you just do a sing and dance routine?" Misty asked bluntly
"No, I just said don't worry." Max said

After everyone left Misty sat on her sofa in her living room," Maybe a little sleep can sooth my nerves." Misty said as she picked up the jar. She ate a teaspoon," Nothing." She ate another teaspoon. The started swinging around and she knocked the jelly on the coach. The jelly then just mulched and morphed until," Ash?"

Everyone gathered at Oak's lab after Ash washed off," Wow, the jelly must have had some of Ash's DNA in it and when it mixed with the sweat on Misty's couch, it must have made a synthetic version of himself." Oak explained
"Yep, I'm back." Ash said as he brushed some jelly off his shoulder
"Ash I missed you so much Ash." Misty said as she gave him a hug
"I missed you too Misty." Ash said as he sternly placed Misty at the end of his arms," But I need to tell you something."
"NO! LALALA! I'M NOT LISTING!" Misty said as she covered her ears
"You need to wake up." Ash said

And once again, Misty woke up from her wonderful dream," Why am I only happy in my sleep!" Misty shouted with tears running down her face. That night Misty went to Ash's grave, and dug it up," All I have to do, is keep Ash's corpse under my bed so I know he's really dead." She said to herself. She got her hand under the top," Okay Misty, it's just a casket. Containing the body of my dead friend." And she swung it open. And there was nothing in there but a yellow and green portal. Everything flashed bright blue and she was inside a small room with one bed and a small side table drawer with a picture of Ash on it along with a jar of the jelly. It also mouths on the wall saying," You killed Ash." Misty covered her ears until she started tearing the wallpaper off the walls. Misty sat down on the bed

"Why am I only happy in my dreams?" She asked herself alone. And she saw the jelly," 3 teaspoons, and I can be with Ash forever." She took one," 1," She took another,"2. Good bye waking world!"
"No, Misty, don't do it!" Ash shouted from inside the photo," You can't sleep forever. I tried, bed sores hurt!"
"But I don't know what to do!"
"Fight it! The Misty I know would never give in so easily!"
"Okay Ash." And Misty just sat there when a tiny Combee appeared. Misty started swatting her hand around. She couldn't smack until she thru the jar at it, only for it to multiply a zillion times. Misty grabbed Ash's picture," Ash, I'm scared." She told him
"Me too. But I need to tell you something." Ash replied
"What?"
"I need you to wake up."
"Ash I don't understand."

And in reality, Misty was on a bed, in a coma with Ash sobbing next to her bed. Ash was wearing his white shirt with his Sinnoh jacket on top of Misty," I just need you to wake up." He sobbed and alas, his wish came true.
"Ash, what are you doing there and where am I?" She asked bluntly
"Misty, you're alive!" He shouted happily
"Ash, I thought you were dead. The Vespiquen's stinger-"
Ash pulled up his shirt to reveal a big patch on his tummy," Went right thru me, you got all the poison. My spleen came from a guy who liked motorcycles. Vrm, Vrmvrm."

Just then, everyone came thru the door," Omigosh! She's awake!" May shouted
"How long have I been out?" Misty asked
"2 weeks," Prof. Oak answered," And Ash has never left your side."
"I woulda done this if any of you fell into a coma." Ash replied humbly
"Well, I'm just happy to be awake." Misty replied as she hugged Ash and Ash hugged back.

"You really need to shower." Misty said in his ear
"You too." Ash replied

The End