[Pokémon] The Rocket Wars [Mature]

[Kung Fu Ferret]

This fic is loosely based on an old RP thread on PE2k called Deadly Alliance, only with more blood and swearing.

The main plot is that Giovanni has brainwashed famed Pokemon Trainer Ash Ketchum into joining Team Rocket. This story mostly focuses on the devout followers of Arceus who were victimized by Team Rocket, and decided to form a rebellion, get Ash back to normal, and assassinate Giovanni. My Original Characters, Eric Damon and Peggy Owen, will be two of these rebels.


(Rebel Chapter One)

Eric Damon and Peggy Owen were on their twenty-fourth date on Miracle Island. Eric was a 18 year old Caucasian male, with medium-length dark brown hair that was spiked up, and green eyes, wearing blue goggles on his head, a red T-shirt with a gold star on the back, khaki shorts, large baggy gray socks and black sneakers. Peggy was a 20 year old African-American female, with long Murkrow-colored hair with some tropical braids, wearing pink glasses, and a Pokemon Ranger uniform.

Eric seemed to be holding something secret in his pocket. Little did Peggy know, he was going to propose to her that night after their romantic dinner. They have been dating for four years, after Peggy saved Eric from almost certain death from a man-eating Luxray in a far-off region. Peggy had her partners, Plusle and Minun, on her shoulders, and Eric's Croconaw was in its Pokeball. Eric had inherited Croconaw, from his late grandpa Vladimir ,whom had died six years ago. It was a Totodile egg at the time that hatched shortly after. It evolved into Croconaw the day Eric and Peggy met.

There was trouble looming.. Team Rocket was preparing to attack.

Eric got down on one knee by the beach and said, in his Australian-esque accent "I cannot thank you enough for coming into my life... Peggy Owen... Wi-"

Then, suddenly, a siren went off, right when Eric was about to ask Peggy to marry him.

"Eric... What's happening?" Peggy exclaimed in her spicy African-American accent.

Then, a large aircraft with arms started bombarding the island with Pokeballs releasing hordes of Zubat, Ratatta, Ekans, Koffing, Drowzee, Machop, Houndour, Oddish, Meowth, Scyther, Sneasel, Wynaut, Munchlax, Larvitar, and Tyrogue. The romantic sunset suddenly turned into absolute hell on earth.

Rocket Grunts also rained down on parachutes.

"BRING ANY SURVIVORS TO THE MAIN SHIP! SHOW NO MERCY! KILL ANYONE WHO RESISTIS!" a loud voice, presumably Giovanni's boomed over the plane's loudspeaker.

"Peggy.. My love... Go to the mainland! GET HELP! I promise I'll be right behind you!" Eric shouted.

Tears ran down Peggy's face as she clutched Plusle and Minun, who were traumatized by the attack, but when she got to the other side of the island, she was kidnapped by Rocket Grunts. If she survived, her fate would be much worse than even death.

Eric was the only other human survivor. When the Rocket Pokemon hordes retreated, Eric's Croconaw instinctively came out of its Pokeball. It noticed a Tyranitar in the distance, and roared at it.

Tyranitar's Trainer was a newly recruited Admin of Team Rocket. His blonde hair was long, and his blue eyes were cold, and had a series of scars on his face. His name... was Loki....

Eric's Croconaw began to generate an aura. It was evolving into Feraligatr to protect Eric!

Eric ran up to Loki, his blood boiling and fists clenched in sheer rage.

"YOU WANKER! LET PEGGY GO, BEFORE I F***ING KILL YOU!" Eric shouted as he punched Loki right in the face.

Loki had a Mega Ring, and Tyranitar Mega Evolved into Mega Tyranitar.

Feraligatr then lunged to protect its Trainer, instinctively using Hydro Pump on Mega Tyranitar's stomach region it did not do much.

Mega Tyranitar shoved Feraligatr out of the way, and slammed its tail into Eric.

Eric was unconscious, but not dead. Feraligatr got up, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Mewtwo appeared, releasing an Aura Sphere at Tyranitar, defeating it without even trying.

Loki called Tyranitar back to its Pokeball, and used a jetpack to make a getaway.

"Damn you, Loki. Damn you to hell." Mewtwo said in a Jeremy Irons-like British monotone.

Mewtwo then teleported itself, Eric, and Feraligatr to its lair deep underneath the Kanto-Johto line.

"Everything will be alright, Vladimir..." Mewtwo said, thinking Eric was actually Vladimir Khrushchev, Eric's maternal grandfather.

Out of 700 people who live on Miracle Island, only Eric and Peggy survived. Team Rocket planned to make Peggy into their slave, but Mewtwo saved Eric from such a fate.

When Eric awoke, he saw Mewtwo five feet away from him.

"Am I... Dead?" Eric asked.

"No, if it was not for me, you would not be alive, Vladimir.." Mewtwo said.

"Wait a sec.. He died six years ago. How do you know that name? Who are you?!"
Eric asked.

"Who are you to ask such a question?" Mewtwo retorted.

"I'm Eric Damon... His grandson." Eric introduced himself.

"I am Mewtwo. Your grandfather helped me escape from my creators fifty years ago. You remind me very much of him." Mewtwo said.

"Mewtwo.. Thanks for saving me... Wait! Before you go off. Were there any other survivors?!" Eric asked.

"Why do you want to know?" Mewtwo curiously asked.

"Because. I was about to propose to my girlfriend Peggy, but she was captured by those bastards who attacked our island. WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! STEALING AND KILLING?! THEY MAKE ME SICK TO MY STOMACH AND ARCEUS CAN SEND THEM ALL TO HELL WHERE THEY BELONG!" Eric said, getting into a rant.

"They call themselves 'Team Rocket', and they created me. Do not worry about Peggy. I know where they are taking her. I will rescue her for you, my comrade." Mewtwo explained while offering to help Eric. "I have wanted revenge on them since before you were born..."

"Thanks, mate..." Eric said, coughing afterwards, and dozing off.

Feraligatr was being healed in a machine all this time, and Mewtwo teleported onto Team Rocket's flying slave ship.

Mewtwo then used its psychic powers to open the main door to the ship, which was about to take off.

Peggy was shackled in a cell with her Plusle and Minun each in a cage.

Mewtwo's intrusion caused the ship's alarm to go off, and Loki was about to whip Peggy when it went off.

"Damn! Must be Mewtwo!" Loki hissed.

Peggy lost all hope, and Plusle and Minun tried escaping with electric attacks, but the bars were coated in rubber.

Mewtwo was confronted by six Rocket grunts, all with guns. Mewtwo then used Psychic to take the guns and shoot each Grunt in the head. Blood was all over the floor.

Mewtwo then teleported off, looking for Loki elsewhere on the ship. Luckily for Mewtwo, Loki wasn't going anywhere, as Mewtwo actually KILLED his Mega Tyranitar.

Mewtwo then finally found Loki, and ordered "Release her.... And do not worry about your Tyranitar. Soon enough, you will be joining it..."

"Why are you trying to save her? That punk with the Feraligatr should be here! If he's with you... I'll kill 'im in front of this prisoner, who will become my slave soon enough."

"F*** you..." Mewtwo muttered, proceeding to choke Loki with Psychic force. Within the next minute Loki dropped the whip, and was dead on the floor.

"Hold still... I mean no harm..." Mewtwo said to Peggy and her Plusle and Minun.

Mewtwo then broke Peggy's shackles, and opened a hole between the bars of her partners' cages.

Mewtwo teleported them off the ship, which exploded and crashed into the ocean, killing every Rocket member on board. There were no other human prisoners, and Mewtwo teleported the Rocket's Pokemon's Pokeballs to a top secret rebel base in Unova.

They arrived safely into Eric's chamber in Mewtwo's lair.

"Who told you to save us, Mewtwo?" Peggy asked, confused as to how she was rescued.

Eric then got up, opened the door and said "Someone who loves you with all of his heart." he then proceeded to pull out a ring, got down and one knee, and without any interruptions, asked "Peggy Owen.. Will you marry me?"

Peggy had tears of joy in her eyes, and obviously said "YES!" She paused, and added "Eric... There's something I've been needing to tell you for a few days now... I'm pregnant!", both hands on her stomach.

"Did any of those scumbags ra-" Eric said, and Peggy interrupted with "Those miserable Rockets didn't even get the chance to do that, boo. It's your baby!"

Feraligatr's jaw dropped rather comically in shock while Plusle and Minun were on top of its shoulders.

"I know you two have some catching up to do, but I think you should hold off planning your wedding until Team Rocket is no longer a problem. And Peggy, if you are with child, I think Eric would suggest you do not do anything too risky. He does not want to lose you, nor does he want his first offspring to be harmed." Mewtwo explained.

"Crikey, Mewtwo! Arceus knows you took the words right out of my mouth!" Eric said, and Peggy began giggling.

"I wish you two, and your unborn child, only the very best in your relationship. I will contact Arceus about you two joining a rebellion against Team Rocket. Get some rest. You have a busy day tomorrow..." Mewtwo then said before teleporting off elsewhere in the lair.

 

[Cutlerine]

This reads a bit like a précis of a novel rather than a short story: everything's compressed down into one or two sentences, and I'm not sure the reader quite gets enough of the right information to be satisfied.

For example, we don't really know anything about any of the locations the story takes place in. You list them - Miracle Island, Mewtwo's underground lair, Team Rocket's flying slave ship - but the reader never learns anything about them. More description would be welcome; as it is, it's difficult to picture the scene, especially when we're dealing with such alien concepts as 'flying slave ships'.

Conversely, some information we get too much of: in such a short story, there doesn't seem to be much need for the huge quantities of description of the characters' clothing at the start, nor for that long, unwieldy list of Pokémon that Team Rocket release on the island. It's usually best to embed such details in the text as you go along rather than dump it all on us at once - mention things like that as and when they become necessary, rather than shoving it into the reader's face. It makes it a lot more pleasant to read. This:

Eric Damon and Peggy Owen were on their twenty-fourth date on Miracle Island. Eric was a 18 year old Caucasian male, with medium-length dark brown hair that was spiked up, and green eyes, wearing blue goggles on his head, a red T-shirt with a gold star on the back, khaki shorts, large baggy gray socks and black sneakers. Peggy was a 20 year old African-American female, with long Murkrow-colored hair with some tropical braids, wearing pink glasses, and a Pokemon Ranger uniform.

Eric seemed to be holding something secret in his pocket. Little did Peggy know, he was going to propose to her that night after their romantic dinner. They have been dating for four years, after Peggy saved Eric from almost certain death from a man-eating Luxray in a far-off region. Peggy had her partners, Plusle and Minun, on her shoulders, and Eric's Croconaw was in its Pokeball. Eric had inherited Croconaw, from his late grandpa Vladimir ,whom had died six years ago. It was a Totodile egg at the time that hatched shortly after. It evolved into Croconaw the day Eric and Peggy met.

is a huge chunk of description without much story to leaven it. Remember, the opening of a story needs to hook the reader and draw them in; usually, you only get a couple of seconds of a reader's attention before they decide to keep reading or stop and look for something else. So it would be helpful to break up this information iceberg and spread it a little more evenly throughout the body of the text. If this is just Chapter One, there's no need to worry about getting it all in at once; you can spread it even further, throughout the whole story.

"Damn you, Loki. Damn you to hell." Mewtwo said in a Jeremy Irons-like British monotone.

Finally - and I must stress that this is not a major problem but merely something I have to say to fulfil my duty as an English person - there's no such thing as a British accent. Britain is not a country, it's an island: it has three countries on it, Scotland, England and Wales. Each of them could loosely be said to have an accent (although like everywhere there is enormous regional variation). At any rate, what you mean is an English accent.

So, the story needs a little work, but it's by no means irredeemable. A bit more description in places, a bit less in others, and it could work quite nicely.

 

[Kung Fu Ferret]

Yeah... I guess I jumped the gun a little with the describing of characters and lack of location descriptions... Look, I'm nowhere near Tolkien.... But this is still a pretty good effort IMHO.