[Pokémon] The Search

[feebakarp]

Chapter 1
The sound of chatter filled the house as people began to celebrate. The bright decorations around the outside house let the whole of Rustboro know that today was someone's birthday. Inside the house a fifteen year old boy was unwrapping gifts in his room away from the guests. He was dressed in a dark blue suit, but kept pulling at the collar because he wasn't used to using suits. He found an unusual letter addressed to him but all it said on the envelope was 'Red Waterflower'. Inside the envelope were two tickets to the Kanto Region. Red placed the ticket back into the envelope and continued opening gifts.

A gentle knock on the door drew Red's attention from the gifts. His mother forced him out of the room and into the backyard where a huge cheer greeted his arrival. Red's mother was young, just by looking at her nobody would assume that she had a fifteen year old child. For the past 5 years Red had been travelling and through the Hoenn and Johto Regions. He had won the Silver conference and placed in the top 4 in the Hoenn conference. He was a home town hero; it was the first time the town had seen him since he arrived two days ago.

"Misty, you must be so proud of your son." Nurse Joy said as she pulled Red's mother aside. Red had been gone for five years and all his old friends seemed so different. He was waiting for one person, a special person. The party had gone on for about two hours and still the person Red waited for wasn't there. As he gave up hope someone clasped their hands around his head covering his eyes. "Guess who?" a soft and feminine asked. Red lifted and the hands off and spun around. She was finally here. "Erica, finally! I thought you would never show." He said as he hugged her. Erica was Nurse Joy's daughter and Red's oldest friend. Erica golden blonde fell onto her shoulders perfectly, her green eyes looked like gems as they sparkled when he started into Red's. She had travelled alongside Red competing as a coordinator.

A few hours later the party was finally over and Red, Erica and Misty were left with the clean up. "I forgot to ask before but why were you so late?" Red asked as he cleaned the backyard. "My dad and I were researching Wurmple and you know how he gets." Erica explained as she carried a few plates into the house. When Erica was out of earshot, Red went inside and saw his mum. "When I was ten you I asked you who my father was, you told me you'd tell me when I was older. Every year after that on my birthday I asked you again and you told me the same thing. Now I'm fifteen and I think I'm old enough to know," Red said with emotional tone as his mother washed the dishes. Misty placed the last plate in the dish rack and dried her hands. He walked into the living and Red followed. "Why do you want to find your father? He didn't want anything to do with us." His mother retorted calmly.

Red and his mother were at a familiar stand of. It was sort of a tradition between Red and Misty, Erica was accustomed to this as she was always there. Every year on his birthday Red would phone his mother with the single reason of asking her about his father. Red had never gotten a straight answer but now he was finally home and could ask his mother in person. "Why must you always ask me this on your birthday?" Misty said with tears in her eyes. A tense silence filled the room; Misty wiped the forming tears away and walked over to the bookshelf.

She pulled out an old dictionary and opened to the middle. Inside of the book was a worn out picture. By then Erica had joined Red and Misty in the living room. Misty didn't say anything as she looked at the picture. "Mum, I'm not a kid anymore. I need to know. I have to confront him, 15 birthdays he missed. I have to see the life he gave us up for. " Red exclaimed with a strong resentment. Misty looked up at her son crying this time. She pulled herself together and decided to tell Red the truth.
"I met your father when I was a little girl. We travelled the world together. I loved him since the day I fished him out. I stayed with him using the lame excuse of him owing me a bike. We finally got together when we were travelling through the Hoenn region; I was 17 at the time. When he found that I was expecting, he panicked. He was a Pokémon trainer and a good one. He told me he had his whole life ahead of him and that a child would ruin his dreams. One day he just disappeared and returned to his home in the Kanto." she said as she sat down again and started crying again.

Erica comforted Misty as Red picked up the picture. The year dated on the picture was the year Red was born. Misty composed herself. "His name is Ash, Ash Ketchum. Last I heard he was in the Kanto region." She said. "It's settled then, I'm going to Kanto!" Red exclaimed pulling out the envelope with him name. Red was filled with rage. "All these years you made it seem as if he left because of circumstance. You told me he had to leave. Now I find that he was just a ..." Red was cut off by his mother who had gotten up and walked over to her son. Misty tried to console her highly emotion son but he didn't give the chance. Red went to his room and began packing. Erica placed her hand on Misty's shoulder. "Go with him; make sure nothing happens to him." Misty whispered to Erica as she embraced her.
Hope this is better.

 

[Buoysel]

Nice, very nice. There wasn't much description at all, but what you wrote was still entertaining enough to capture an audience (well, me at least). The only place you really need to improve is to try and incorporate some more details into the story. Also put some kind of a place marker when changing scenes . You have Red walk outside, and then the party is over. One possible solution is to add "After a couple of hours" to the beginning of the first sentence to the fourth paragraph.

Keep it up and don't get discouraged if you don't get a lot of replies right away. The more you post, the more someone has to read, and the more likely someone will post a response/review.

 

[Citrinin]

First off, welcome to the PokéCommunity, and, in particular, the writing forum. As writing is often an uphill battle, you may like to swing by the Writer's Lounge if you have any problems. :)

I noticed a few errors:

He found a letter addressed to him all it said on the envelope was 'Red Waterflower'.

Between "him" and "all", you need a conjunction to make the sentence flow better. The best candidate for the job is probably "but".

Erica, finally I thought you would never show.

A pause is needed between "finally" and "I". Firstly, such a pause is natural in speech. Secondly, the flow of the sentence makes it seem like you're saying that the word "finally" is attached to "I thought..." rather than "Erica".

I suggest repunctuating the sentence as: Erica, finally! I thought you would never show.

We travel the world together.

"[T]ravel" should be "traveled". It can also be "travelled" if you're using British English.

Grammatical errors are easy fixes, but I think the problems with this story are far more systemic. What really stuck out about this opening chapter was that it was not exciting. It didn't really grab my attention in any place; the part about your main character realising his father is Ash Ketchum was the most interesting part, and even then, it's not gripping. It sounds, for the most part, like everyday life. A simple birthday party plus cleanup. The trouble is that everyday life is generally boring. You have to do something that catches the reader's attention. It doesn't have to be an explosion of Michael Bay proportions, but there must be something interesting.

Furthermore, your characters appear wooden. Red has just learned who his father is, and yet he shows no strong emotion, like it was part of the everyday conversation. And, it seems highly implausible that there was no conversation about Red's father before his fifteenth birthday. When you're a kid, and you see that all your friends have two parents, and you only have one, you're going to start asking questions.

I recommend that you rewrite this chapter to address these issues. It should be both interesting and realistic. If you find yourself struggling, my best piece of advice to you is to read some of the fics around here to get inspired, and see how authors can make their stories compelling. I wish you the best of luck. :D

 

[feebakarp]

Thanks for the advice buoysel & citrinin , it's really helpful. I'm not sure what to do, do I edit the 1st post or do I post an edited version in the same thread.

 

[Buoysel]

Thanks for the advice buoysel & citrinin , it's really helpful. I'm not sure what to do, do I edit the 1st post or do I post an edited version in the same thread.

Edit the first post for corrections, if you are adding a chapter, then just reply to thread.

 

[feebakarp]

Chapter 2

A cold breeze gently blew against Red as he stood at the new Rustboro harbour. The light blue shirt he wore didn't offer much protection against the bitter cold, the tiny hairs on his arms lifted as he pushed his hands deeper into the pockets of his black jeans. Red was oblivious to the hustle and bustle around as people prepared to leave the Hoenn region. All he could think about was confronting his father, he felt embittered inside. The breeze was slowly become colder and colder.


"I knew you would forget your jacket." Erica said tossing a jacket over Red's head. Red put the jacket on with an annoyed look on his face. "I didn't need the dam jacket." Red said flustered. Erica was dressed in a blue jeans and a red jacket that was buttoned all the way to the top, she looked like the perfect girl next door. "The goose bumps on your arm beg to differ." Erica replied grabbing Red's arm with a firm grip. Red jerked his arm free and began rubbing his arm.
"How's your mum?" Erica asked as she and Red stood in line about to board the cruise ship. Red dropped his head and ran his hand through his untidy hair as he let out a sigh. "She was not herself, she must be really uneasy about me going to the Kanto." He said pulling the tickets out of pocket, the sound of Wingull's flying above startled Red; this gave Erica the opportunity to pull the tickets out of Red's hand. "Who gave you these?" Erica asked as she examined the two tickets. The small writing on the tickets said that they would have to share a room with separate beds. Red just shrugged his shoulders.


After 20 minutes of waiting it was Red and Erica's turn to board the ship. The duo stood ready to board when a security guard stopped them. Up to this point nobody else had been asked by security to produce identification. The tall bald man stood before with his hand out stretched waiting for Red and Erica to give him ID. The guard was well over 300 pounds and looked as if he could have been a pro wrestler. Red handed over his trainer ID to the guard who let out a muffled laugh when he saw it. "Red Waterflower. What kind of name is that?" the guard commented handing the ID back to Red. Red didn't respond to what the guard said. His face was blank and expressionless. He was used to getting comments about his name and had learnt to ignore them. Erica handed her ID to the security guard as Red walked past him bumping shoulders. "Erica Joy. Have a good day ma'am." The security said handing back Erica's ID and letting her onto the ship. After Erica and Red had boarded the ship the guard pulled out his radio. "They're here." He whispered into the radio.


Erica and Red had left their bags in their room and decided to explore the ship. On the upper deck of the ship it was much warmer and Erica removed her jacket to reveal a baby blue t-shirt. The upper deck of the ship was the same as all typical cruise ships. There was a pool and few shops. Erica's eyes light lit up when she saw the Olympics size swimming pool. Erica loved the water and loved swimming which was one of the things her and Red had in common. Erica clasped her together in excitement.


Erica stepped forward in anticipation; she couldn't wait to get into that pool. Red reached out and grabbed Erica's hand as she walked away. The sharp tugging force of Red caused Erica to fall towards Red. Erica had lost her sense of balance and fell on to Red, who managed to catch and pull in her on to him. Regaining her balance, Erica released herself from Red's grip. Her face was flustered as she tried to gain her composure. "Why did you do that?" Erica demanded to know from Red as she neatened her shirt. "You can't go running off like that. The Kanto is a new region we need to discuss what we are going to when we get there." Red responded, slowly narrowing his eyes to stare down Erica.


"We have the whole trip to discuss it. Why do have to be so uptight? Enjoy yourself" Erica said, this time with a smile as she held both of Red's hands and pulled him towards the pool. Red stood his ground and didn't budge. Instead he succeeded in getting Erica away from the pool. "It's not my fault I'm like this. You know me; everything has to be planned carefully. For five years you put up with this, I'm sure you can handle a few more weeks." Red said as he led Erica to a shaded table. Red pulled out a chair for Erica before he sat down across from her.


"According to my mum; Ash lived in Pallet town. When we arrive at Vermilion City we have to travel for a few days to get to Pallet." Red stated with his usual cold and emotionless voice. "You're calling your father Ash." Erica asked worried about Red. "Besides a few strands of DNA, he has done nothing to be called a father." Red said to Erica who was trying to hold his hand but he was more interested in looking at his pokedex. "I brought Milotic. What Pokémon did you bring with you?" Red asked as he pulled out his pokeball. "I choose Lombre." Erica responded showing Red her pokeball.


The ship finally left the port and began the journey. Most of the passengers were on the upper deck waving goodbye to their loved ones. Red knew his mother wouldn't be there, she didn't want Red searching for his father. After half an hour the ship was gone far enough out to sea that Rustboro seemed like a dot in the distance. "Wow, we moving pretty fast." Erica said as she motioned for Red to join her at the railing to try the titanic scene. Red stood alongside Erica and looked over board. "We're going too fast. Something is wrong here." Red said looking around. All the employees, including the security guard, on the upper deck were acting suspicious.


A loud crashing noised sent the entire ship into panic. The ship was being rammed by an army of Gyarados. The captain of the ship appeared on a platform stage that rose out of the upper deck. The captain ripped of his uniform top to reveal a team Aqua uniform. The ships employees followed suit. The ship was being taken hostage by team Aqua. "These giant metal monsters are ruining my oceans. Today the sinking of this ship will be a warning to all." The captain said raising his hand. All the Gyarados began charging up a hyper beam attack. Red pulled Erica closed him to comfort her; he assured her that everything would be fine but his body language show how he truly felt. Biting his bottom lip and clenching his sweaty palms, he told Erica to get ready.

 

[Citrinin]

I realise this may seem silly, but I personally find it too hard to review a fic when there are monster paragraphs like this:

"How's your mum?" Erica asked as she and Red stood in line about to board the cruise ship. Red dropped his head and ran his hand through his untidy hair as he let out a sigh. "She was not herself, she must be really uneasy about me going to the Kanto." He said pulling the tickets out of pocket, the sound of Wingull's flying above startled Red; this gave Erica the opportunity to pull the tickets out of Red's hand. "Who gave you these?" Erica asked as she examined the two tickets. The small writing on the tickets said that they would have to share a room with separate beds. Red just shrugged his shoulders.

You should read some other fics around here to see how dialogue should be formatted. But the gist of it is that after each part of dialogue, you should hit enter twice.

 

[Buoysel]

Here is my Review. Sorry if I am a little rusty, its been a while since I have done one.

Here is a quick explanation: Anything in parenthesizes is something that I think should be added, anything struck out is something I think needs to be removed, anything that is bolded has been commented on below the paragraph.

A cold breeze gently blew against Red as he stood (in front of) at the new Rustboro harbour. The light blue shirt he wore didn't offer much protection against the bitter cold, the tiny hairs on his arms lifted as he pushed his hands deeper into the pockets of his black jeans. Red was oblivious to the hustle and bustle around as people prepared to leave the Hoenn region. All he could think about was confronting his father, he felt embittered inside. The breeze was slowly become colder and colder. 

New Rustboro Harbour (Harbor) is a proper noun, and thus needs to be capitalized.

The second sentence is a run-on and needs to be fixed at the bolded location. (cold. The)

Try and shy away from Chiles such as that one, it makes the story seem tacky.

This is actually a good place for a semi-colon (;). A semi-colon can be used to join two complete sentences if they are very similar. The first sentence talks about what he is thinking, and the second one expands on that. So: (father; he)

"I knew you would forget your jacket." Erica said tossing a jacket over Red's head. Red put the jacket on with an annoyed look on his face. "I didn't need the dam jacket." Red said flustered. Erica was dressed in a blue jeans and a red jacket that was buttoned all the way to the top, she looked like the perfect girl next door. "The goose bumps on your arm beg to differ." Erica replied grabbing Red's arm with a firm grip. Red jerked his arm free and began rubbing his arm. 

Every time someone new speaks you start a new paragraph. So this paragraph should be like this:

"I knew you would forget your jacket," Erica said tossing a jacket over Red's head. Red put the jacket on with an annoyed look on his face.

"I didn't need the dam jacket," Red said flustered.

"The goose bumps on your arm beg to differ," Erica replied grabbing Red's arm with a firm grip. Erica was dressed in a(She wore) blue jeans and a red jacket that was buttoned all the way to the top, she looked like the perfect girl next door.

Red jerked his arm free (away?) and began rubbing his arm. 

First thing is first. When using quotes, you use a comma instead of a period in the areas that are marked red (See comma rules Here, and quote rules Here)

Think of a paragraph as a new action; anytime something new happens, the topic of the conversation changes, you start a new paragraph. The paragraph is where the focus of the reader is. Say if Red is doing something, and then Erica does something different, the focus changes; so does the paragraph.

The third paragraph I changed around a lot. I moved the speech to the beginning so that the paragraph flows better. When describing a character is is usually best to try and add action to your description. That way you don't get a list of features. Which can make for some boring reading.

"How's your mum?" Erica asked as she and Red stood in line about to board the cruise ship. Red dropped his head and ran his hand through his untidy hair as he let out a sigh.

"She was not herself, she must be really uneasy about me going to the Kanto," He said pulling the tickets out of pocket. The sounds of Wingull's flying above startled Red; this gave Erica the opportunity to pull the tickets out of Red's hand.

"Who gave you these?" Erica asked as she examined the two tickets. The small writing on the tickets said (stated) that they would have to share a room with separate beds. Red just shrugged his shoulders.

All Pokemon names are uncountable nouns, meaning we don't add an s to end of the Pokemon's name. Instead we make the subject of this sentence (sound) plural so that the adjective (Windgull) stays in the proper tense. (AKA another weird English rule.)

After 20 minutes of waiting it was Red and Erica's turn to board the ship. The duo stood ready to board, when a security guard stopped them. Up to this point nobody else had been asked by security to produce identification. The tall bald man stood before (them) with his hand out stretched waiting for Red and Erica to give him (their) ID(s). The guard was well over 300 pounds and looked as if he could have been a pro wrestler. Red handed over his trainer ID to the guard who let out a muffled laugh when he saw it.

"Red Waterflower. What kind of name is that?" the guard commented handing the ID back to Red. Red didn't respond to what the guard said. His face was blank and expressionless. He was used to getting comments about his name and had learned to ignore them. Erica handed her ID to the security guard as Red walked past him bumping shoulders.

"Erica Joy. Have a good day ma'am," The security said handing back Erica's ID and letting her onto the ship. After Erica and Red had boarded the ship the guard pulled out his radio.

"They're here," He whispered into the radio (after the duo where out of ear shot).

Try and stay away from specific amounts. For one, not everybody is going to know that 300 lbs is really fat. Instead say that he was really over weight. Or make it comical and say that it looks like he has had a few too many doughnuts.

Erica and Red had left their bags in their room and decided to explore the ship. On the upper deck of the ship it was much warmer and Erica removed her jacket to reveal a baby blue t-shirt. The upper deck of the ship was the same as all typical cruise ships. There was a pool and few shops. Erica's eyes light lit up when she saw the Olympics size swimming pool. Erica loved the water and loved swimming which was one of the things her and Red had in common. Erica clasped her (hands) together in excitement. 

This paragraph seems to be a little fast paced and could use a little more description. I have never been on a cruise ship and don't know what one usually has on board. You could easily get a couple of paragraphs out of the description of the ship. (I read a fic where the author did a wonder full job of describing one. If you want a link let me know.)

Erica stepped forward in anticipation; she couldn't wait to get into that pool. Red reached out and grabbed Erica's hand as she walked away. The sharp tugging force of Red caused Erica to fall towards Red. Erica had lost her sense of balance and fell on to Red, who managed to catch and pull in her on(in) to him. Regaining her balance, Erica released herself from Red's grip. Her face was flustered as she tried to gain her composure.

"Why did you do that?" Erica demanded to know from Red as she neatened her shirt.

"You can't go running off like that. The Kanto is a new region we need to discuss what we are going to when we get there," Red responded, slowly narrowing his eyes to stare down Erica.


"We have the whole trip to discuss it. Why do have to be so uptight? Enjoy yourself?" Erica said, this time with a smile as she held both of Red's hands and pulled him towards the pool. Red stood his ground and didn't budge. Instead he succeeded in getting Erica away from the pool.

"It's not my fault I'm like this. You know me; everything has to be planned carefully. For five years you put up with this, I'm sure you can handle a few more weeks," Red said as he led Erica to a shaded table. Red pulled out a chair for Erica before he sat down across from her. 


"According to my mum; Ash lived in Pallet town. When we arrive at Vermilion City we have to travel for a few days to get to Pallet," Red stated with his usual cold and emotionless voice.

"You're calling your father Ash?" Erica asked worried about Red.

"Besides a few strands of DNA, he has done nothing to be called a father." Red said to Erica who was trying to hold his hand but he was more interested in looking at his pokedex. "I brought Milotic. What Pokémon did you bring with you?" Red asked as he pulled out his pokeball.

"I choose Lombre." Erica responded showing Red her pokeball. 


The ship finally left the port and began the (its) journey. Most of the passengers were on the upper deck waving goodbye to their loved ones. Red knew his mother wouldn't be there, she didn't want Red searching for his father. After half an hour the ship was gone far enough out to sea that Rustboro seemed like a dot in the distance.

"Wow, we moving pretty fast." Erica said as she motioned for Red to join her at the railing to try the titanic scene. Red stood alongside Erica and looked over board.

"We're going too fast. Something is wrong here." Red said looking around. All the employees, including the security guard, on the upper deck were acting suspicious. 


A loud crashing noised sent the entire ship into panic. The ship was being rammed by an army of Gyarados. The captain of the ship appeared on a platform stage that rose out of the upper deck. The captain ripped of his uniform top to reveal a team Aqua uniform. The ships employees followed suit.

Okay until this point you where doing well. How does the narrator know that there are Gyarados ramming the Ship? You need a little more discription here.

The ship was being taken hostage by Team Aqua.

"These giant metal monsters are ruining my oceans. Today the sinking of this ship will be a warning to all." The captain said raising his hand. All the Gyarados began charging up a hyper beam attack. Red pulled Erica closed him to comfort her; he assured her that everything would be fine but his body language show(ed) how he truly felt. Biting his bottom lip and clenching his sweaty palms, he told Erica to get ready.

Its a nice ending, but its way to fast paced. You need to explain a little more as to how you cam to the conclusion that the ship was being hijacked. Move the sentence "The ship was being taken Hostage by Team Aqua" into the last paragraph some time after the Capitan removes is disguise.





I try and explain everything I do while editing. If I missed something, or you have any question let me know.

I realise this may seem silly, but I personally find it too hard to review a fic when there are monster paragraphs like this:

You should read some other fics around here to see how dialogue should be formatted. But the gist of it is that after each part of dialogue, you should hit enter twice.

Then don't. You are not helping anyone by post things like this. Perhaps you should read some reviews so that you know how to properly review. If you come in here bashing his story, you are going to turn them away from writing and this community.

 

[feebakarp]

Thanks for tha advice. That link that you mentioned would be really helpful.

 

[Astinus]

Then don't. You are not helping anyone by post things like this. Perhaps you should read some reviews so that you know how to properly review. If you come in here bashing his story, you are going to turn them away from writing and this community.

He didn't bash the fic. He simply said that he found it difficult to read a fic that doesn't have proper paragraphing (which is quite true) and how feebakarp could fix that (by hitting the Enter key twice).

Bashing the fic would have been "I can't read this because you don't know how to paragraph!"

Citrinin gave a very quick review saying "I can't read this because the paragraphs are all together. Fix this by creating a new paragraph, hitting the Enter button twice. New paragraphs are made for new lines of dialogue. Other fics show how this is done."

It's still constructive criticism, just not really in-depth as what reviews used to be expected to be. Now that feebakarp knows that readers could be turned away if he doesn't pay attention to paragraphing (improper paragraphing is one of the biggest reasons people turn away from a fic posted online), he knows to listen to both your advice and Citrinin's, because both come together as complete advice.

 

[feebakarp]

Chapter 3
Panic and trepidation grabbed hold of every aboard the ship. A sense of impending catastrophe was evident on Red's facial expressions. Holding Erica in his arms, he pulled her closer so that her head would rest on his shoulder.



"There's only one way out of this for us." He whispered into her ear. "We have to run, our Pokémon are skilled enough to avoid those Gyarados."


Erica lifted her head off Red's shoulder and stared at him. She had known him for close to eight years, five of those where spent travelling through the Hoenn and Johto and she didn't how to react.



"What about all these other people?" she asked, her eyes glistening with tears.



"I don't care about all these people. I only care about you getting safely off this ship." Red responded, his right hand brushing a small tear off Erica's cheek.
"You know how many times we stopped these over-rated pirates. They know we're here, thanks to that Wailord of a security guard."



"No. I'm not going. Last time we just ran a lot of people got hurt." Erica uttered attempting to hold back tears. Her eyes were red and almost bursting with tears.



Red gazed intently around the upper deck. Any hope of retaliation was squashed by the fact he only had one Pokémon. Erica had her Lombre and even though she was a skilled coordinator and accomplished trainer, Red knew she would stand no chance against the army of extremely ferocious and violent Pokémon surrounding them.



"Everybody down on your knees! Now! I'm not going to ask twice." The captain demanded, his contorted face expressing his rage.



Everybody did as they were told, including Red and Erica. The captain slowly lowered his raised hand; this prompted the Gyarados to discharge their hyper beam. The Gyarados swiftly cut through the water and sunk their razor-sharp jagged fangs into the bow and stern. The sound of metal being ripped brought with it terror and dismay.



"Your ship is currently be held up by a school of Wailmer." The captain said with a smug smile across his face as he pulled a whistle out of his pocket. "When I blow this whistle the Wailmer will disperse. The question is; will you be on board when I do."



A stunned silence was cast over everyone aboard the ship; including a few members of team Aqua. Nobody was sure what the captain had meant by his last statement.



"If the mayor of Rustboro City agrees to pay us and shut down the new Rustboro Harbour; we might be persuade to let you leave on life boats." The captain announced bringing the whistle close to his lips. "Well almost all of you." He added with a sinister grin.



Red knew what the captain had meant by 'almost all of you'. He looked at Erica and saw that she was terrified. At that moment he decided he that he had to do something, even if it was rash and wild.



"Forgive me for what I'm about to do." Red whispered into Erica's while covering her in his jacket.



Erica grabbed tightly onto Red's collar pulling him towards until they were a breath away from each other. "Don't do it, whatever you are thinking of; just forget it."



Red broke Erica's grip on his collar and shoved her away from him. Red stood up drawing all attention to him. Erica was stunned; she tried to get back to Red's side but he stepped onto the railing.



"You're going to get away with this." Red yelled as he released his Milotic. "Get that whistle Milotic!"



The beautiful serpent Pokémon launched of the railing with lightning speed and reached the captain before he could blow his whistle. Milotic's head rammed into the captain chest knocking the wind out of his sails. In one swift motion the elegant water Pokémon caught the key and returned to Red's side.



"You're never going to get far. My Gyarados will tear you limb from limb." The captain screamed as he scrambled to his feet.



"Your powerful Gyarados are too close to the ship to see any off your fancy hand signals." Red replied leaning over the railing towards the ocean. "My Milotic and I will be long gone by the time you run all the way from your platform."



The captain didn't seem bothered by Red's attempt to steal his whistle. Red felt that there something the captain knew and he didn't.



"Want to be a hero. Go ahead Red. Jump; take that whistle as far away from me as possible. You and your Pokémon may be long gone and out of reach of my Gyarados but the ship won't." Retorted the captain.



"I planned for that as well." Red declared; leaping into the water along with his Milotic. "Mew I hope this works."



The captain ran towards the railing of the ship. His arrogant smile was wiped form his face when he saw his hoard of Gyarados giving chase to Red and Milotic.



"He used attract!" shouted a Team Aqua grunt from the other side of the deck.



The captain used his left hand to cover his mouth as he took deep breaths trying to calm down. "Who's dim-witted idea was it to use all male Gyarados!" he yelled.



Team Aqua all looked at each other, nobody wanting to be the one to tell him it was his idea.



"Everybody into the ball room." The captain ordered; his grunts only too happy to roughly force people into the ball room. "Everybody; except the girl."


Red held with all the strength he had as dozens of love struck Gyarados chased down his Milotic. The infatuated Pokémon where gaining on Red and was out of options. With water rushing passed his head Red turned around to see the Gyarados slowly giving up the chase. Something was wrong; Red could sense that something up ahead was much worse.


A devastating twister flew across the water slamming into Red and Milotic. Red was barely conscious and he felt a fish net drag him and Milotic out of the water. The net was slowly hauled up on a boat. Red's eyes were filled with salt water and his vision blurred; all he could was a small flag with a black skull on it.

 

[Sgt Shock]

Something brought me to your fan fiction and I felt the need to read it. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't give you review. So, let us begin. But first, I should tell you that you will not be seeing me pointing out grammar mistakes. They are easily remedied and ultimately, doesn't stop a reader from reading (unless it is every other sentence, then it is annoying).

Though your story progress is going along good, I don't think that you are taking the time to develop your characters. We haven't seen much of an emotional tug in the story yet--it's mostly face value things. I personally want to see you go deeper for your characters. Give your character an inner struggle or feeling. I makes the appear more alive. Flaws are great in a character. It has to be something that can bring the character's strengths out as well as their weaknesses. Though chapter 3 was emotional, I feel like you can work on it to make it Erica and Red closer. You know what I mean?

Feel free to take the story and make it more realistic. It doesn't matter that it is a fan fiction--make it like it is stretching out towards you. Tug at people emotions. I know it sounds horrible, but they need to feel bad during a sad point or laugh in good point. Stories are told to bring out things within people that normally lay dormant. If you don't feel emotion writing it, the audience won't. Food for thought for later chapters. :D

I will continue reading because I see potential. Practice, practice, practice. :D

 

[Citrinin]

Thanks for fixing the formatting of the dialogue; it makes it a lot easier to review.

There's just one problem that still remains with it. You're formatting it like so:

"What is being conveyed." Said person.

However, it should be formatted:

"What is being conveyed," said person.

Panic and trepidation grabbed hold of every aboard the ship.

"[E]very" should be "everyone".

We have to run, our Pokémon are skilled enough to avoid those Gyarados.

That comma should be a semicolon, as you are linking two independent clauses. A good test for this is to ask yourself whether each side of the punctuation mark can stand alone as its own sentence. If they can, the correct one to use is a semicolon.

her eyes glistening with tears.

It's good to see that you're starting to get the hang of "show, don't tell". :)

The sound of metal being ripped

This was a good opportunity for you to describe that horrifying sound in detail. With casual occurrences, it's OK to just say that the sound occurred, but here you're dealing with something unusual and exciting.

A stunned silence was cast over everyone aboard the ship; including a few members of team Aqua.

Remember that semicolon test I mentioned earlier? This sentence doesn't meet it. The semicolon should be changed into a comma.

He looked at Erica and saw that she was terrified.

Here is another great opportunity for "show, don't tell". You've just told the reader to follow Red's eyes, to see what he sees. What you see isn't terror, it's what you infer from facial expressions. It would help if you guided the reader to this conclusion, by making it obvious that Erica is scared, without actually showing it.

At that moment he decided he that he had to do something, even if it was rash and wild.

We don't know what he's going to do yet, so for dramatic effect, you could separate each side of the comma into two separate sentences.

"You're going to get away with this."

I think you mean that he's not going to get away with it. ;)

The beautiful serpent Pokémon launched of the railing

"[O]f" should be "off".

lightning speed reached the captain before he could blow his whistle

You need an "and" in between "speed" and "reached".

Your powerful Gyarados are too close to the ship to see any off your fancy hand signals.

"[O]ff" should be "of".

"Who's dim-witted idea was it to use all male Gyarados!" he yelled.

"Who's" should be "Whose", but that's a nice idea and nice twist. :)

The infatuated Pokémon where gaining on Red

"[W]here" should be "were".

It's good to see that you're adding excitement to this fic. Although I think you really could benefit from re-reading your chapters before you post them to catch simple errors, it is dramatically better than when you started the first post. :)

Then don't. You are not helping anyone by post things like this. Perhaps you should read some reviews so that you know how to properly review. If you come in here bashing his story, you are going to turn them away from writing and this community.

Hi there. :) Astinus pretty much summed up my thoughts on the topic, but I thought it should be said that I bear no ill-will towards feebakarp or to his fic. (Or to you for that matter - I realise that you were only trying to ward off what you perceived to be a potentially nasty comment to a new author's fic.) I was merely noting a deficit on my part that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on actually reviewing when improper paragraphing is present. I was pretty sure it would affect other reviewers too, so rather than keep silent about it, I decided that I should let feebakarp know.

 

[feebakarp]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and reviews. Just hope this chapter is better.

Chapter 4

The Captain stood at the railing staring out at the ocean. Behind him dozen's of Team Aqua cadets all fought with each other over who was to give the Captain the bad news. The smallest, a young girl, was tossed towards the Captain by the rest of group. She landed at the Captain's feet and quickly scrambled to a vertical base.

"Err, ex, ex, excuse me Captain," she uttered biting her bottom lips. Her hands trembled as beads of sweat began to form on her palms. "Sir, we haven't been able to locate the girl."

"That's okay, completely understandable," his voice was calm but the twitching of his eye showed his agitated nature. "You look familiar, why do you look familiar."

"You handpicked me to join Team Aqua." She squeaked petrified.

"Oh," he replied turning back to look at the sea.

The young girl let a muffled sigh of relief. The Captain's ear twitched slightly at her hearing her sigh.

He swung himself around and grabbed her by her hair. In a display terrifying strength he threw the young girl over board. Wiping off some of the girl's hair from hand, he stared at all the other members of Team Aqua. His flared nostril and bulging necks veins struck fear into his grunts. "Now find me that girl!" he screamed.

The dumbfounded grunts scrambled to try and find the girl. Most of the grunts didn't even know who the girl was or what she looked like.

Inside of the ballroom was dead still. Nobody dared to speak, all afraid of the consequences. Erica sat at a table with a group of girls all around her age. She sat at the edge of her seat, her constant tapping of her foot a clear indication of nervousness.

More grunts stormed into the ballroom. Each checking any girl they could find. Erica's throat swelled up, each breath she took was like taking a gulp of water. There was nothing she could do.

Out in the middle of ocean, the sea mist gently caressed Red's face. Slowly regaining his consciousness he felt the icy, algae cover fish net around him. He was completely surrounded.

"Arg, the boy be awaking," said a man in a deep pirate accent. "After all the trouble you caused me boy, this is the last place I expected to find you."

The man was roughly in his mid thirties. The long black hair on his head was contrasted by his platinum blonde beard. His choice of clothing, jeans and t-shirt, made it evident he was a real pirate.

"That the worst pirate accent I ever heard." Red said regaining full consciousness. Red looked around and it was clear he was on a pirate ship.

The pirate ship was clearly old. The wooden floors of the main deck were shoddily maintained; sharp wooden splinters littered the main deck. The Main and the Fore mast were unmistakably slanted; both leaning in opposite direction. The main sail was chock-full of tiny rips and scratches. The fore sail was completely shredded; it barely hung onto the Fore mast. The main boom was being held together by a white string substance, Red could only guess what it was.

"My dear boy, it's been too long," he said stepping closer towards the net, this time he spoke with a strong English accent. "I still owe you getting me fired."

"You're still holding on to that, get over it. You worked for Team Aqua. I had to stop you." Red said with an air of confidence in his voice.

The man laughed, his unflinching eyes showing no sincerity in his laugh. "If I remember our first battle, you were all set on leaving Team Aqua be, until that blonde ambition pleaded with you to help her stop us."

"Awe, how precious you still remember our first battle. If I remember correctly, back then they called you the Admiral. That was until they canned your sorry behind." Red replied, his voice cold and emotionless just like his face. His eyes were narrow and his stare directed at the Admiral.

"You're pretty tough for a guy with no Pokémon." The Admiral responded.

Red's expression changed, his eyes began darting in all directions of the ship; searching for his Pokémon. "Where's my Milotic?" he demanded.

"Don't worry; I would never harm such a majestic Pokémon." The Admiral chuckled pointing to a net above Red. "Am I correct in assuming that is the same Feebas egg you rescued from my grasp?"

Red nodded. He was trapped and with Milotic knocked out he had no chance. His half smile gave the Admiral what he needed to know; noticeably Red was out of options.

"Tell me boy, why were you out in the middle of ocean?" the Admiral asked, his slow tugging of his beard gave Red and idea.

"Team Aqua hijacked a cruise ship not too far from here." Red said his half hearted smile he displayed early was gone. A confident smirk grew on Red's face. "I'll help you take the ship from Team Aqua's control and then you can claim the ransom as you own. All I want is something small in return."

The Admiral considered Red's offer, still stroking his beard he walked up to the net. 'You want your blonde conscience. I bet she doesn't know cold, calculating and ruthless you really are."

The rest of crew spoke among themselves; the chatter of his men caused some alarm in the Admiral. He knew that his men were tired of their mundane existence as Pokémon poachers.

"You know boy I never had a problem with you until you cost me my job, embarrassed me, and left me for dead in Blackthorn City during that fire." The Admiral continued.

"Costing you your job was Erica's fault, and as far as embarrassing you; it was way too easy." Red responded; the confidence in his voice growing as the talk amongst the Admiral's men grew. "You know you left me no choice in Blackthorn City, you tried drowning Erica. I had no obligation to save you from a fire you started to get rid of me."

"We have been foes for a long time. We fought in the Hoenn; I followed you to the Johto, almost got rid of your girlfriend, dated your mum and cost you the Hoenn Conference." The Admiral said in a commanding voice. He stood tall and fixed his eyes on Red. "Today my boy we join forces. I want money; you want your bonny lass. The end shall justify the means..."

"Are you done yet, we have to go now. Cut me down." Red interrupted. The Admiral produced a flick knife and cut Red free. "She's not my girlfriend; she's just a girl who is a really good friend."

Red cut down his Milotic and ordered the serpent Pokémon to show the pirates the way to the ship. The pirates release their small band of water Pokémon.

"Poliwrath, Tentacruel, Kingler, Dewgong, Corsola and that's your Kingdra. I'm guessing that's the Pokémon that hit Milotic and me with the twister. Nice legion of Pokémon you have assembled Admiral."

Back on the cruise ship the Captain stood on the upper deck looking out to sea.

"Captain, Captain. Incoming ship. The boy is on the ship," screamed someone from the control room above the upper deck.

"Very good," he screamed back, "Bring out the leverage."

Red and The Admiral were in striking distance. The Admiral gave the order for his Pokémon to engage battle with the Gyarados. Red called Milotic back on board the pirate ship. The pirate ship manoeuvred close enough to the pirate ship to board.

Using grappling hooks and rope the pirates successful boarded the cruise ship. The hoard of screaming pirates ran wildly across the upper deck. Members of Team Aqua arrived there to meet them in hand to hand combat.

"Where's this Captain fellow?" asked the Admiral as his men clear a path for him and Red.

Red looked around but he could see him anywhere.

"Stop this feeble attempt at a rescue mission and give up," announced the Captain. He was on the roof of the control room and next to him was Erica. She was tied to a wheel chair. He mouth was duck taped shut. Even though Red was far away from her, he could see her eyes. They were red and puffy, tears stained her cheeks.

"I warned you about being a hero. You are over a hundred metres away. I push this wheelchair and she'll be taking a one way trip over board." The Captain stated. "Say bye Erica," he said placing his hand on the wheel chair.

 

[Citrinin]

Your best bet for improvement, feebakarp, is for you to do a more careful review of your own work before posting, or getting a BETA reader. The substantive parts of your story - the plot, the characters, et cetera - are showing remarkable improvement, but you're still making the same kinds of basic errors you were making in your opening chapter.

Behind him dozen's of Team Aqua cadets

Remove the apostrophe on "dozen's"; you're using a plural, not a possessive.

"That's okay, completely understandable," his voice was calm but the twitching of his eye showed his agitated nature.

The quotation and the description of his voice should be two separate sentences, as the part after the quote doesn't have any verb directly indicating that he said those words. Have a look at this for the basic rules of dialogue grammar.

"You look familiar, why do you look familiar."

You should change the comma into a semicolon or an ellipsis (...) as you're joining two independent clauses. The latter indicates a longer pause. You should also change the full-stop (period) into a question mark, as the captain is asking a question.

"You handpicked me to join Team Aqua." She squeaked petrified.

You need to change the full-stop in the quotation marks to a comma, and "She" to "she", as it is linked as one sentence. You do this a few more times this chapter, but you can self-edit with the link I provided above. You also need to put a comma between "squeaked" and "petrified", as her petrification is not linked to her squeaking, but to her.

"Oh," he replied turning back to look at the sea.

The reply and him turning are two separate actions, so there needs to be a comma between "replied" and "turning".

His flared nostril and bulging necks veins struck fear into his grunts.

"[N]ostril" should be "nostrils", as you don't flare just one nostril. "ulging necks veins" is awkward, and should be reworded to something along the lines of "the bulging veins in his neck".

Inside of the ballroom was dead still.

You need to change "Inside" to "The inside", as it is functioning as a sentence subject, not an indication of where something is or is happening.

She sat at the edge of her seat, her constant tapping of her foot a clear indication of nervousness.

This sentence might be found in an essay about this story, but is not so appropriate in the story itself. Don't mention her nervousness explicitly; the reader can draw their own conclusions when you just mention the tapping of her foot.

More grunts stormed into the ballroom. Each checking any girl they could find.

The latter sentence is a subordinate clause, not an independent one, and as such should be joined to the first sentence with a comma.

His choice of clothing, jeans and t-shirt, made it evident he was a real pirate.

Again, you're drawing conclusions for the reader. It's very tempting to do this, naturally, but it kind of defeats the show, don't tell approach.

"That the worst pirate accent I ever heard."

"That" should be "That's".

"I still owe you getting me fired."

There should be a "for" (or perhaps "fer", to keep the pirate accent going) between "you" and "getting".

Awe, how precious

"Awe" should be "Aw".

'You want your blonde conscience.

The opening single quotation should be a double quotation.

Using grappling hooks and rope the pirates successful boarded the cruise ship.

Woah woah woah. You can't just say that; this is an exciting action scene which you need to show the reader happening.

They were red and puffy, tears stained her cheeks.

The comma should be a semicolon, as you are joining two independent clauses.

 

[Buoysel]

Hi there. :) Astinus pretty much summed up my thoughts on the topic, but I thought it should be said that I bear no ill-will towards feebakarp or to his fic. (Or to you for that matter - I realise that you were only trying to ward off what you perceived to be a potentially nasty comment to a new author's fic.) I was merely noting a deficit on my part that makes it difficult for me to concentrate on actually reviewing when improper paragraphing is present. I was pretty sure it would affect other reviewers too, so rather than keep silent about it, I decided that I should let feebakarp know.

Sorry, I read your post several times, but missed the last few words. >.> I guess that goes to show how much I really need to get glasses.



@feebakarp

I will leave the grammar to Citrinin. But I will point out a few flaws with your stories. The first major one that I spotted was.

Red nodded. He was trapped and with Milotic knocked out he had no chance

Red cut down his Milotic and ordered the serpent Pokémon to show the pirates the way to the ship

Um... when did Red use a revive? (He doesn't have to use a revive either, you can simply adjust the first sentence to state that Milotic was in no condition to battle.)

The pirate ship was clearly old. The wooden floors of the main deck were shoddily maintained; sharp wooden splinters littered the main deck. The Main and the Fore mast were unmistakably slanted; both leaning in opposite direction. The main sail was chock-full of tiny rips and scratches. The fore sail was completely shredded; it barely hung onto the Fore mast. The main boom was being held together by a white string substance, Red could only guess what it was.

Remember when I said to use a thesaurus? Here is a good example why. You have the word "main" in this paragraph 5 times. Thats a lot.

Since it is stated that Red is on the main deck, you should change second "main deck" to "floor". Also, in the second sentence, since "main" and "fore" are simply adjectives describing a non proper noun, they do not need to be capitalized.

The second half of this chapter goes a little too fast. As Citrinin sated, You just have the pirates assault the ship, with no description other than "hand to hand combat." which I personally find a little weird. Usually in the Pokemon world, people fight... with Pokemon. However you did say that they sent our their Pokemon to battle the Gyradous. So it makes since, but still not as expected. Then again, that is not always a bad thing.

I am wondering if you are a native English speaker? I see a lot of mistakes like this:

The Admiral considered Red's offer, still stroking his beard he walked up to the net. 'You want your blonde conscience. I bet she doesn't know how cold, calculating and ruthless you really are."

You forgot the "how" in this sentence. Its hard to notice just reading through it, so I suggest reading it out loud to yourself to help weed out mistakes like this.

 

[feebakarp]

Remember when I said to use a thesaurus? Here is a good example why. You have the word "main" in this paragraph 5 times. Thats a lot.

Since it is stated that Red is on the main deck, you should change second "main deck" to "floor".

I see what you mean bu using main alot but main mast,boom and sail are parts of a ship. Changing "main deck" to floor is a good idea.

 

[Buoysel]

I see what you mean bu using main alot but main mast,boom and sail are parts of a ship. Changing "main deck" to floor is a good idea.

True... but could you use "Primary Sail?"

 

[Citrinin]

Sorry, I read your post several times, but missed the last few words. >.> I guess that goes to show how much I really need to get glasses.

No problem. :)

I see what you mean bu using main alot but main mast,boom and sail are parts of a ship. Changing "main deck" to floor is a good idea.

I had a look over the passage that Buoysel quoted, and I'd actually like to point out a different problem (although, the overuse of "main" is still a cause for concern). The thing is: I, like many people, don't know boats. One might even consider it technical information.

When one of the sailors is talking, you expect them to talk in sailors' terms, of course. But the narrator should speak in terms that the average reader can understand, as the narrator serves the purpose of conveying information to the person reading. As such, not only do you not have to use the proper terms like "main sail", but it may actually benefit the paragraph to do away with the. You could instead describe it as, say, the "largest sail".

That way, you can kill two birds with one stone: get rid of the "main" overuse, and describe it perfectly clearly to someone as boat-illiterate as me. :D