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[Pokémon] THE TRUTH - Never mistake the obvious for the truth

Markus1992

Azura
23
Posts
13
Years
  • PROLOUGE​

    Satoshi Taijiri studied the streets of Tokyo below him, ignorant to the heavy rain pelting against the windowpane. The pavements were bustling with people despite the late hour, an array of umbrellas to shield them from the miserable weather. "How can they be so blind…?" Satoshi questioned to himself. He rose his eyes to meet those of his reflection staring back at him, acknowledging the weight of his lies in a single glance. "How could I be so blind…? Fool!"

    A soft light lit the room for the briefest of moments before fading away, but was enough to distract Satoshi from his mental state. His attention shifted to that of the Lustrous Orb, carefully poised upon its pedestal a few strides away. Again, the Lustrous Orb emitted a second glow that flooded the floor of his office, this time more intense and vivid in colour; derived from various tones of purple. Satoshi took a step towards the item of interest before the light subdued for a second time. As he was within arm's reach, the flashes grew more frequent. This was not the first time Satoshi had experienced this. In fact, it had been a regular occurrence over the past 24 hours.

    Satoshi stared intently at its core. Memories from childhood of when he first found the orb came rushing back to him, resting on the riverbed emitting a brilliant light. Entranced by the ripples of water, now the colour of fuchsia as they danced beautifully across its surface. He remembers the need to reach out, relying too much on the branch he used to help extend his reach as it struggled to support his weight. What happened next was always a blur. There was water; it filled his lungs as he fought for breath. There was light, it consumed him.

    It was time to act. Satoshi retracted his arm from where the Lustrous Orb stood and made haste over to where an ornate mirror decorated the opposite wall. He used his hand to feel for the secret latch, positioned behind the frame to the bottom-right. The mirror moved freely away from its position and provided access to a safe behind. After entering the necessary code, the mechanism released the door and Satoshi removed the hidden contents. The parcel he now held was in the shape of a box, and required both hands. Wrapped in a luxurious silk for protection, he gently ran his thumb over one of the edges to feel the engraved details of the wood beneath. After settling the parcel down on the nearby desk, Satoshi began to return the mirror to its original settings. However, as he went to do so he noticed a change within the room. Staring into the mirror's reflection, he noticed the Lustrous Orb ceased to flash, but instead shone bright as it did the day he fell into the river. "They're coming!"
     

    Markus1992

    Azura
    23
    Posts
    13
    Years
  • CHAPTER ONE – LAND OF THE RISING SUN​

    Rowan urgently grasped the armrests on either side, clenching hard enough to bruise. He hated flying, and the weather conditions made turbulence a regular occurrence. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the bead of sweat now running down his left temple. As the turbulence subsided, he slowly opened his right eye to check the surroundings. A beam of sunlight began to penetrate the window, causing him to squint once more. He exhaled shakily, only now acknowledging that he held his breath in the first place. As he composed himself, Rowan brought his attention back to the sunrise and admired its beauty.

    "This is your pilot speaking…" the intercom interrupted, "we have begun our decent into Haneda airport where we should arrive at the gate shortly. It would seem that we have cleared the rain clouds, and that glorious sunrise suggests it is going to be a beautiful day!" Rowan smiled in agreement. "Local time is 6:06AM. The 'fasten your seatbelt' sign is still on, so please remain in your seats as our cabin crew prepare for landing. I would like to take this opportunity to again apologise for the delays in our departure, and thank you for flying with British Airways."

    In this moment, the pilot's words reminded Rowan of how behind schedule he was, resulting in him reading his watch in the hopes that they had made up some time. Instead, time had been lost, turbulence causing the journey to take longer than usual. Rowan adjusted his watch to the local time.

    The watch was a gift from his employer, Satoshi Taijiri. Satoshi had given him the watch, a persuasive offering to help convince Rowan in joining his graduate scheme. Rowan never understood why Satoshi was so eager to have him join, and whenever he challenged him on the subject, the only response ever given was "I know talent when I see it, and you have talent!"

    Indeed, Rowan was rather intelligent. He had always exceeded his peers in terms of academic performance, but something was different about these circumstances. Upon his graduation from Oxford, Rowan received an offer to join 'Game Freak Inc.'; a Japanese video games developer founded by Satoshi Taijiri, most commonly known for their popular franchise 'Pokémon'.

    Rowan had met Satoshi once before, at the age of 18 when attending a career fair the university had hosted. Satoshi Taijiri was a guest speaker, there to inspire students and discuss the many careers your course could potentially lead you. Rowan found the whole experience rather awkward. As soon as Satoshi acknowledged his presence amongst the audience, he was immediately distracted from his speech and insisted on staring directly at him.

    "You… there… what is your name?" Satoshi had asked. "Yes, you… with the blue head phones around your neck."

    There was a mellowed chuckle amongst the audience, as members of the crowd started to follow the direction Satoshi's finger was pointing. Rowan had turned red, and sunk significantly lower into his seat. Of course, this made Rowan uncomfortable; he was terrified of public speaking too. More often than not, he would always try to go unnoticed and blend in with the crowd. Unfortunately, this had not worked on that particular day, as Satoshi had spotted Rowan as if he lit up the auditorium.

    "Rowan."

    "Rowannn…?" Satoshi had continued, now turning his pointed finger into a rolling gesture of his hand.

    "Oh, Rowan Ashfield." Rowan had proclaimed.

    Satoshi had repeated the name in a hushed tone, lost in deep thought. Remembering where he was, he had brought his attention back to the career fair and continued. "And what is it you study here… Rowan Ashfield?"

    "Ermmm… Computer Science."

    "I see…" Satoshi had responded, his eyes examining the boy from head to toe, "Computer Science can be a difficult subject, especially here at Oxford! The university must recognise your potential...?"

    Rowan was uncertain how to respond.

    "Do video games interest you at all Rowan?" Satoshi had questioned.

    They did not. Despite being aware of Satoshi's background, Rowan's attention drew to other aspects of technology. "Erm… I…" Rowan had begun to answer but thankfully, Satoshi had cut him short.

    "Computer Science ties in perfectly with the development of video games, amongst other careers of course..." Satoshi finally started to address the rest of the audience. "At Game Freak, we offer graduates many schemes. These schemes provide students such as yourselves the opportunity to gain valuable experience, in addition to working in Tokyo on various occasions. It is hard work of course, but you have four years until graduation to develop and become the best candidates you can be… whatever the career you choose!" On occasion, Satoshi would glance back to Rowan, as though he was reassuring himself of the boy's presence.

    When graduation finally came, Rowan originally refused the offer, as he had wanted to avoid any job where travelling by aeroplane was a necessity. Then when he received the watch, Rowan had felt inclined to accept, due to the guilt he would potentially feel if he had not. The whole process had seemed too easy. Although graduate schemes offered to students at Oxford with high academic achievement did happen, it was unusual to persist with a particular student if they initially reject.

    How could Rowan complain, most would kill to have had the same opportunities he had thrust upon him, and he knew this. In addition, rewarded with a career having only just left university was becoming more and more unheard of each passing year.

    Since then, Rowan had spent time back and forth between London and Japan, fulfilling private errands for Satoshi. It was unusual for participants of the same graduate scheme to have roles as his personal assistant, but it was certainly more appealing than making hot drinks like the average newcomer. He was able to learn so much from the man, and what initially started as intimidation eventually turned into respect.

    As the aeroplane grew on its decent, the cabin jolted as the wheels surfaced the tarmac beneath. Rowan felt relaxed in an instance, knowing there were no longer 51,000 feet separating his feet from the earth. As the aeroplane began to slow down, Rowan pondered over the urgency of this visit. His trips to Japan were frequent, but they never came with much urgency as this one had.

    The aeroplane came to a halt at the terminal, and the 'fasten your seatbelt' sign now indicated he could proceed to the overhead compartment and retrieve his holdall. In the process of steadily making his way down the narrow aisle, patiently waiting for other passengers ahead to progress and exit the aircraft, Rowan withdrew his mobile phone from his blazer pocket in order to disable the aeroplane settings. In doing so, he heard the numerous notifications begin to alert him; the screen read '12 missed calls' and '3 Pending Voice-mails', all from Satoshi.

    "Wow…!" Rowan exclaimed, and then looked up to see a member of the cabin crew had noticed his reaction. He had reached the end of the aisle. Rowan raised his hand to give the phone a slight shake in the direction of the intrigued woman. "I guess the boss is missing me…," he said with a grin, making the woman smile in return.

    "Aha, have a pleasant day!" she responded.

    "Oh, I'm sure I will." With that, Rowan stepped out of the aircraft and into the sunlight. He noticed the air smelt damp from the recent downfall, as he took a deep breath to feel refreshed. It felt good to be standing, but he was sure the jet-lag would kick in soon. He would be unable to sleep though, despite receiving lack of it for the duration of his flight. He pulled the sunglasses from his holdall and placed them over his eyes to hide any signs that he was sleep deprived from the morning commuters. Rowan usually relied on his shaggy hairstyle to hide his face when needed, but was required on this occasion to have it pushed back in order to look presentable. He was here to do business after all.

    Rowan descended the stairs, occasionally looking up from his phone to check his steps as he proceeded with the first pending voice-mail; he figured it had to be important. "Maybe he needs me to pick up morning coffee," he joked internally, "and then I will be like the rest of them!" He raised the device to his ear as the message started to play.

    "Rowan… Rowan…?" Satoshi sounded out of breath. "Ah, muk!" The voice-mail came to an abrupt end. Rowan noticed that Satoshi made this mistake regularly, often thinking the recipient of the call had answered rather than put through to voice-mail.

    Rowan went onto play the second pending voice-mail, only this time an incoming call interjected the procedure. It was Satoshi. Rowan reached the bottom of the stairs, and began to stride towards the shuttlebus that would carry him to the airport. He climbed aboard, and then answered.

    "Hi! Sorry I am late! My flight were delayed and…" Rowan started.

    "Rowan? ROWAN!" Satoshi interrupted. "Ok, listen to me… I am running out of time!"

    The intrusion startled Rowan, and Satoshi sounded flustered. "Huh? OK… OK! I am listening! Time for what?" He responded.

    Again, Satoshi interrupted the boy "Listen to me! There is little time to explain. Get here as soon as possible! When you do… speak with Sakura! I left something with her. I need you to collect it and get as far away from here as possible… do you understand? As far as possible!"

    "Sakura? What is it? No, I do not understand! You are scaring me… are you ok? What has happened? Tell me!" Rowan began to feel anxious. Other passengers began to notice and looked his way.

    "ROWAN! Do you understand?" Satoshi argued.

    "I am coming to you now!"

    "No, not me!" Satoshi protested. "Speak with Sakura then leave! You must do exactly that…" Rowan was listening intently; there was what seemed to be a commotion in the background, "Muk! They're here!"

    "Who is?" Rowan demanded. "WHO?"

    "Please Rowan! Do as I say! Please! Plea…" Satoshi's voice suddenly changed to the sound of him fighting for breath; it seemed to Rowan that he were been suffocated.

    "Satoshi?" Rowan screamed, "SATOSHI!"
     

    dudebot

    Glowing Yellow
    126
    Posts
    11
    Years
  • PROLOUGE​

    Satoshi Taijiri studied the streets of Tokyo below him, ignorant to the heavy rain pelting against the windowpane. The pavements were bustling with people despite the late hour, an array of umbrellas to shield them from the miserable weather. "How can they be so blind…?" Satoshi questioned to himself. He rose his eyes to meet those of his reflection staring back at him, acknowledging the weight of his lies in a single glance. "How could I be so blind…? Fool!"

    A soft light lit the room for the briefest of moments before fading away, but was enough to distract Satoshi from his mental state. His attention shifted to that of the Lustrous Orb, carefully poised upon its pedestal a few strides away. Again, the Lustrous Orb emitted a second glow that flooded the floor of his office, this time more intense and vivid in colour; derived from various tones of purple. Satoshi took a step towards the item of interest before the light subdued for a second time. As he was within arm's reach, the flashes grew more frequent. This was not the first time Satoshi had experienced this. In fact, it had been a regular occurrence over the past 24 hours.

    Satoshi stared intently at its core. Memories from childhood of when he first found the orb came rushing back to him, resting on the riverbed emitting a brilliant light. Entranced by the ripples of water, now the colour of fuchsia as they danced beautifully across its surface. He remembers the need to reach out, relying too much on the branch he used to help extend his reach as it struggled to support his weight. What happened next was always a blur. There was water; it filled his lungs as he fought for breath. There was light, it consumed him.

    It was time to act. Satoshi retracted his arm from where the Lustrous Orb stood and made haste over to where an ornate mirror decorated the opposite wall. He used his hand to feel for the secret latch, positioned behind the frame to the bottom-right. The mirror moved freely away from its position and provided access to a safe behind. After entering the necessary code, the mechanism released the door and Satoshi removed the hidden contents. The parcel he now held was in the shape of a box, and required both hands. Wrapped in a luxurious silk for protection, he gently ran his thumb over one of the edges to feel the engraved details of the wood beneath. After settling the parcel down on the nearby desk, Satoshi began to return the mirror to its original settings. However, as he went to do so he noticed a change within the room. Staring into the mirror's reflection, he noticed the Lustrous Orb ceased to flash, but instead shone bright as it did the day he fell into the river. "They're coming!"

    A few things:

    - In four paragraphs, you said "Satoshi" nine times. The first one is necessary, but try to cut that number back by at least five. There's nothing wrong with 'he' or 'his'.

    -I expect it to be vague, as most prologues are. However, I have no idea why he called everyone fools or where the sudden "They're coming!" came from, especially considering the tone prior to it. It's important not to suddenly jump into something in a prologue since that set's the idea for the entire story. That last sentence can cause a person to think that the next chapter will start off fast-paced.

    The prologue was still very well written. Your illustration through words is fairly good. It does well for imagery, giving it more of an artistic form.

    CHAPTER ONE – LAND OF THE RISING SUN​

    Rowan urgently grasped the armrests on either side, clenching hard enough to bruise. He hated flying, and the weather conditions made turbulence a regular occurrence. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut, ignoring the bead of sweat now running down his left temple. As the turbulence subsided, he slowly opened his right eye to check the surroundings. A beam of sunlight began to penetrate the window, causing him to squint once more. He exhaled shakily, only now acknowledging that he held his breath in the first place. As he composed himself, Rowan brought his attention back to the sunrise and admired its beauty.

    "This is your pilot speaking…" the intercom interrupted, "we have begun our descent into Haneda airport where we should arrive at the gate shortly. It would seem that we have cleared the rainclouds, and that glorious sunrise suggests it is going to be a beautiful day!" Rowan smiled in agreement. "Local time is 6:06AM. The 'fasten your seatbelt' sign is still on, so please remain in your seats as our cabin crew prepare for landing. I would like to take this opportunity to again apologise for the delays in our departure, and thank you for flying with British Airways."

    At this moment, the pilot's words reminded Rowan of how behind schedule he was, resulting in him reading his watch in the hopes that they had made up some time. Instead, time had been lost, turbulence causing the journey to take longer than usual. Rowan adjusted his watch to the local time.

    The watch was a gift from his employer, Satoshi Taijiri. Satoshi had given him the watch, a persuasive offering to help convince Rowan in joining his graduate scheme. Rowan never understood why Satoshi was so eager to have him join, and whenever he challenged him on the subject, the only response ever given was "I know talent when I see it, and you have talent!"

    Indeed, Rowan was rather intelligent. He had always exceeded his peers in terms of academic performance, but something was different about these circumstances. Upon his graduation from Oxford, Rowan received an offer to join 'Game Freak Inc.'; a Japanese video games developer founded by Satoshi Taijiri, most commonly known for their popular franchise 'Pokémon'.

    Rowan had met Satoshi once before, at the age of 18 when attending a career fair the university had hosted. Satoshi Taijiri was a guest speaker, there to inspire students and discuss the many careers your course could potentially lead you. Rowan found the whole experience rather awkward. As soon as Satoshi acknowledged his presence amongst the audience, he was immediately distracted from his speech and insisted on staring directly at him.

    "You… there… what is your name?" Satoshi had asked. "Yes, you… with the blue head phones around your neck."

    There was a mellowed chuckle amongst the audience, as members of the crowd started to follow the direction Satoshi's finger was pointing. Rowan had turned red, and sunk significantly lower into his seat. Of course, this made Rowan uncomfortable; he was terrified of public speaking too. More often than not, he would always try to go unnoticed and blend in with the crowd. Unfortunately, this had not worked on that particular day, as Satoshi had spotted Rowan as if he lit up the auditorium.

    "Rowan."

    "Rowannn…?" Satoshi had continued, now turning his pointed finger into a rolling gesture of his hand.

    "Oh, Rowan Ashfield." Rowan had proclaimed.

    Satoshi had repeated the name in a hushed tone, lost in deep thought. Remembering where he was, he had brought his attention back to the career fair and continued. "And what is it you study here… Rowan Ashfield?"

    "Ermmm… Computer Science."

    "I see…" Satoshi had responded, his eyes examining the boy from head to toe, "Computer Science can be a difficult subject, especially here at Oxford! The university must recognise your potential...?"

    Rowan was uncertain how to respond.

    "Do video games interest you at all Rowan?" Satoshi had questioned.

    They did not. Despite being aware of Satoshi's background, Rowan's attention drew to other aspects of technology. "Erm… I…" Rowan had begun to answer but thankfully, Satoshi had cut him short.

    "Computer Science ties in perfectly with the development of video games, amongst other careers of course..." Satoshi finally started to address the rest of the audience. "At Game Freak, we offer graduates many schemes. These schemes provide students such as yourselves the opportunity to gain valuable experience, in addition to working in Tokyo on various occasions. It is hard work of course, but you have four years until graduation to develop and become the best candidates you can be… whatever the career you choose!" On occasion, Satoshi would glance back to Rowan, as though he was reassuring himself of the boy's presence.

    When graduation finally came, Rowan originally refused the offer, as he had wanted to avoid any job where travelling by aeroplane was a necessity. Then when he received the watch, Rowan had felt inclined to accept, due to the guilt he would potentially feel if he had not. The whole process had seemed too easy. Although graduate schemes offered to students at Oxford with high academic achievement did happen, it was unusual to persist with a particular student if they initially reject.

    How could Rowan complain, most would kill to have had the same opportunities he had thrust upon him, and he knew this. In addition, rewarded with a career having only just left university was becoming more and more unheard of each passing year.

    Since then, Rowan had spent time back and forth between London and Japan, fulfilling private errands for Satoshi. It was unusual for participants of the same graduate scheme to have roles as his personal assistant, but it was certainly more appealing than making hot drinks like the average newcomer. He was able to learn so much from the man, and what initially started as intimidation eventually turned into respect.

    As the aeroplane grew on its decent, the cabin jolted as the wheels surfaced the tarmac beneath. Rowan felt relaxed in an instance, knowing there were no longer 51,000 feet separating his feet from the earth. As the aeroplane began to slow down, Rowan pondered over the urgency of this visit. His trips to Japan were frequent, but they never came with much urgency as this one had.

    The aeroplane came to a halt at the terminal, and the 'fasten your seatbelt' sign now indicated he could proceed to the overhead compartment and retrieve his holdall. In the process of steadily making his way down the narrow aisle, patiently waiting for other passengers ahead to progress and exit the aircraft, Rowan withdrew his mobile phone from his blazer pocket in order to disable the aeroplane settings. In doing so, he heard the numerous notifications begin to alert him; the screen read '12 missed calls' and '3 Pending Voice-mails', all from Satoshi.

    "Wow…!" Rowan exclaimed, and then looked up to see a member of the cabin crew had noticed his reaction. He had reached the end of the aisle. Rowan raised his hand to give the phone a slight shake in the direction of the intrigued woman. "I guess the boss is missing me…," he said with a grin, making the woman smile in return.

    "Aha, have a pleasant day!" she responded.

    "Oh, I'm sure I will." With that, Rowan stepped out of the aircraft and into the sunlight. He noticed the air smelt damp from the recent downfall, as he took a deep breath to feel refreshed. It felt good to be standing, but he was sure the jet-lag would kick in soon. He would be unable to sleep though, despite receiving lack of it for the duration of his flight. He pulled the sunglasses from his holdall and placed them over his eyes to hide any signs that he was sleep deprived from the morning commuters. Rowan usually relied on his shaggy hairstyle to hide his face when needed, but was required on this occasion to have it pushed back in order to look presentable. He was here to do business after all.

    Rowan descended the stairs, occasionally looking up from his phone to check his steps as he proceeded with the first pending voice-mail; he figured it had to be important. "Maybe he needs me to pick up morning coffee," he joked internally, "and then I will be like the rest of them!" He raised the device to his ear as the message started to play.

    "Rowan… Rowan…?" Satoshi sounded out of breath. "Ah, muk!" The voice-mail came to an abrupt end. Rowan noticed that Satoshi made this mistake regularly, often thinking the recipient of the call had answered rather than put through to voice-mail.

    Rowan went onto play the second pending voice-mail, only this time an incoming call interjected the procedure. It was Satoshi. Rowan reached the bottom of the stairs, and began to stride towards the shuttlebus that would carry him to the airport. He climbed aboard, and then answered.

    "Hi! Sorry I am late! My flight were delayed and…" Rowan started.

    "Rowan? ROWAN!" Satoshi interrupted. "Ok, listen to me… I am running out of time!"

    The intrusion startled Rowan, and Satoshi sounded flustered. "Huh? OK… OK! I am listening! Time for what?" He responded.

    Again, Satoshi interrupted the boy "Listen to me! There is little time to explain. Get here as soon as possible! When you do… speak with Sakura! I left something with her. I need you to collect it and get as far away from here as possible… do you understand? As far as possible!"

    "Sakura? What is it? No, I do not understand! You are scaring me… are you ok? What has happened? Tell me!" Rowan began to feel anxious. Other passengers began to notice and looked his way.

    "ROWAN! Do you understand?" Satoshi argued.

    "I am coming to you now!"

    "No, not me!" Satoshi protested. "Speak with Sakura then leave! You must do exactly that…" Rowan was listening intently; there was what seemed to be a commotion in the background, "Muk! They're here!"

    "Who is?" Rowan demanded. "WHO?"

    "Please Rowan! Do as I say! Please! Plea…" Satoshi's voice suddenly changed to the sound of him fighting for breath; it seemed to Rowan that he were been suffocated.

    "Satoshi?" Rowan screamed, "SATOSHI!"

    Good build. Great execution.

    -See, this is what I was referring to in the prologue. The entire momentum of the first chapter was thrown off due to such a quick switch in tone. A better move in the prologue was to build suspense as if something was on the way, expand on it for a paragraph and end it on an unspoken cliffhanger. This way, there's suspense added, but the tone of the prologue itself doesn't have to suddenly become urgent.

    -I corrected a few things in red. Very few. For the most part, it was well written.

    This chapter does things right. It brings you into the next chapter on the perfect note (unless the next chapter is about Sakura getting her day started or something). The only real complaint I have for it is that you stuck a bit of infodump there. We can hear about the details of him getting the job later. Just establish a base (he got it after graduating, he's running errands) and immediately kick back into the current story. Throughout the story, it would be better to inject the past instead of putting it together in a single moment. Although, it wasn't huge enough to interrupt the story and it's not as if you briefly narrated his whole life. Still, it does disconnect things just a tad bit.

    Good job, I'm curious as to what's next.
     

    Bay

    6,388
    Posts
    17
    Years
  • Satoshi Taijiri studied the streets of Tokyo below him, ignorant to the heavy rain pelting against the windowpane. The pavements were bustling with people despite the late hour, an array of umbrellas to shield them from the miserable weather. "How can they be so blind…?" Satoshi questioned to himself. He rose his eyes to meet those of his reflection staring back at him, acknowledging the weight of his lies in a single glance. "How could I be so blind…? Fool!"

    The set up here I really like, then again I'm a sucker for stories opening with rain haha. I do agree though the "how can they be so blind?" line is a bit sudden.

    Satoshi stared intently at its core. Memories from childhood of when he first found the orb came rushing back to him, resting on the riverbed emitting a brilliant light. Entranced by the ripples of water, now the colour of fuchsia as they danced beautifully across its surface. He remembers the need to reach out, relying too much on the branch he used to help extend his reach as it struggled to support his weight. What happened next was always a blur. There was water; it filled his lungs as he fought for breath. There was light, it consumed him.

    I particularly like this imagery there. Also interesting info as to how he got that orb.

    While the flashback between Rowan and Satoshi is a nice moment and established how they first met, I agree it slowed down the plot somewhat. You already mentioned Rowan getting the job after graduating, so the more in-depth details could be saved for a later time.

    "No, not me!" Satoshi protested. "Speak with Sakura then leave! You must do exactly that…" Rowan was listening intently; there was what seemed to be a commotion in the background, "Muk! They're here!"

    "Who is?" Rowan demanded. "WHO?"

    "Please Rowan! Do as I say! Please! Plea…" Satoshi's voice suddenly changed to the sound of him fighting for breath; it seemed to Rowan that he were been suffocated.

    "Satoshi?" Rowan screamed, "SATOSHI!"

    Pretty intense ending chapter there! I agree the build up was excellent.

    I'm digging the premise you have going here. How Rowan got his job being Satoshi's assistant is very interesting and the first chapter's cliffhanger has me on the edge of my seat. I also thought some of the imagery is very nice, especially the Lustrous Orb.

    Dudebot already mentioned the repetition of Satoshi, so I won't repeat it here (I realized I probably did a pun there, lol). I disagree with him with not jumping immediately as in the beginning you want to hook your readers on the plot right away, and you succeeded there. I do think he has point though that the momentum in the first chapter was slowed down quite a bit by the flashback/infodump. Expanding the prologue's suspense a little more and getting straight to Chapter One's action as he mentioned might ease the readers a little better.

    Yeah, my thoughts are more or less similar to dudebot's saved for a couple things. I'm excited over what will happen next, looking forward to the next chapter!
     
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