• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.

[Pokémon] There's a girl on the throne! Four Wishes: Dreams

MTG

Burning shooting star!
19
Posts
10
Years

  • Four Wishes

    Author's note:

    Hello there, Welcome to my writing thread of Four Wishes!
    This is my first time thinking and writing a Pokemon fanfic since forever. Therefore, I may be forgetting some to a lot of things due to my longest hiatus of my life. Even if this is a prologue to the story, each prologue will explain each member's past and how the story will fit their specialty to Pokemon.

    However, my writing ability isn't as well as my imagination. Though at least I enjoy myself for once and try to make it as simple as possible.

    And one last thing, This series maybe content violence, mild language, and something else coming along. Therefore, if you're younger than 15, please don't read it. I don't want to get you in trouble from your parents.

    Other than that, I hope you enjoy the story!

    Four Wishes: Dreams

    Prologue​

    Hello there, welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is... OH LOOK, A SHOOTING STAR!!!
    Haha, Sike! Just messing with ya. But speaking of shooting stars, let's talk about our main shooting stars from a rare region of Unova. 3 members of an elite club of the Pokemon League. However one new member just got titled to be a member all the way from Sinnoh. Even if she a "Frontier Brain", but people think her own butler does all the work while she was the princess puppet. Of course, she have a rare gift to everyone around her. She have an uncontrollable powers. Every kids thought she was strange, which hurt her a lot. But her butler always there for her and made her smile. Until that today when her powers went out of control and nearly killed her butler. Yes, KILLED! Even though challengers battle the two more than usual after the incident, I came to the Sinnoh Battle Frontier to battle her, without her butler. To see if it the rumors were true about this mysterious girl. She was nervous at first, but she able to overrun her powers and defeated me. However, I did blew my disguise and introduce myself a little too early to her parents. Which they declined my request to take their daughter to Unova. Therefore, I went back with nothing.

    Oh yes, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Alder, Pokemon Champion of Unova. And right now I'm at the airport with of course, nothing. I was disappointed of being banned of the Frontier from punched the father by the nose. I never knew they were the owners of the whole park! I hope the media won't spread the news to the world about that. Oh! My plane is almost departing, I better go now.

    Alder sit on a chair after made it to the the plane, but immediately after a girl came in just in time before the passenger door closed. The girl sit across of Alder and the old man noticed her. It the same girl from the Frontier!

    "!!!" Alder made a strange noise.

    The girl turned and noticed the old man that punched her father.

    "Hello, Mister." She said.
    "We met yesterday from a Pokemon battle; my name is Caitlin."
     

    Phantom1

    [css-div="font-size: 12px; font-variant: small-cap
    1,182
    Posts
    12
    Years
  • All right. Since this is so short, this is gonna be an easy review...

    I'm not lazy, shhhhh.

    Anyways, first things first, it's veryveryveryshort, even for a prologue. Now, the word count isn't a concrete thing; you can make your chapters as long or as short as you damn well please. But when your author's notes have only two less 'paragraphs' than your story, you might want to think about extending it a bit.

    Hello there, welcome to the world of Pokemon! My name is... OH LOOK, A SHOOTING STAR!!!
    Haha, Sike! Just messing with ya. But speaking of shooting stars, let's talk about our main shooting stars from a rare region of Unova.

    One, I'd avoid capslock if you could.

    And that last sentence, there's a bit of a syntax issue; it just doesn't sound right.

    3 members of an elite club of the Pokemon League.

    You generally should write out numbers if they are under one hundred. Also, missing the accent on Pokémon (if you didn't know, it's alt+130 on the keyboard) And this sentence is a fragment.


    However one new member just got titled to be a member all the way from Sinnoh.

    Syntax here is an issue, the sentence doesn't make very much sense. Weird question here, but after reading this through, is English your first language? I'm seeing a lot of similarities between people I've helped who aren't native English speakers and this.

    I don't think the word 'however' needs to be used here. 'However' is usually a word used to explain the contrast to something, or an alternate of sorts. It can be used to start a sentence, but one you need a comma immediately after it, and two if it's not in the beginning you use it as a conjuction. However, the way you're using it now makes no sense.

    ^See what I did there.

    Anyways, I'm not sure 'titled' is the word to be used here. Maybe 'chosen' or if you want to use the same idea as 'title' you can say something like 'was given the title'.

    Even if she a "Frontier Brain" but people think her own butler does all the work while she was the princess puppet.

    Nice bit of alliteration at the end. But the structure of the rest of the sentence is rather confusing. It feels like it's missing a few words.

    Why is Frontier Brain in quotes? Do all Frontier Brains get butlers? Like I said, this sentence looks like it is missing a few words.

    Of course, she have a rare gift to everyone around her.

    You are using the wrong form of 'have' here; yet another syntax issue. In this case the word you would use instead would be 'has'.

    At this point I'm really guessing you're not a native speaker, which is cool, it's always cool to help. :)

    There are words missing in this sentence as well. Actually, nearly every seems to be missing words, and even a few seem to have extra words.

    My suggestion is to read through the fic again, slowly. A good trick is to read it out loud, and listen to if it makes sense.

    You also do a lot of telling and not showing. Basically this, you're telling us what is happening instead of showing us it. It's largely in part to a lack of description, and not only description, emotion as well. Like I said, I get the feeling of a newspaper article from the first few lines, or like that I was reading a summary, and not the actual fic.

    "Hello, Mister." She said.

    Should be a comma after 'Mister' and a lower case 's' in 'She'.
     
    Last edited:

    MTG

    Burning shooting star!
    19
    Posts
    10
    Years
  • Thank you for the advice! To be honest, English is my first and only language. The reason is I have ADHD. Therefore, it isn't easy for me to learn my grammar correctly. But of course I do need a beta reader for this.
     

    MTG

    Burning shooting star!
    19
    Posts
    10
    Years
  • Author's Note:

    Sorry for the hiatus here, I'm going to College which mean I won't be updating much unless I finish my homework and such. Though I will continue this on my free time and willing to keep this updated when I have time. Therefore, I won't giving up on this! KAI!


    Chapter 1​

    5 months later

    "Oh Marshal," Alder said.
    "Yes Mentor?" A tan man walked into the room.
    "Please be a dear and walk me home, no homo!"
    "Mentor, are you drinking again?"
    "...No,"

    Marshal sighed.

    "Well, right now it's snowing. You can sleep on my bed."
    "Oh, thanks sonny." Alder smiled.

    Marshal grabbed his Mentor's arm softly and took him to his bedroom. After finishing his task, he went to the kitchen to grab some water. He slowly drank it, but quickly spit it out when he heard a loud thud coming from one of the rooms.

    Marshal ran upstairs, throwing open the door to one room after another. Before entering to the last room, the library, he heard another thud. He opened the door and see books falling over and a young woman.

    "Shauntal, are you ok?" Marshal asked.
    "Yes," Shauntal answered.
    "Sorry for the noise, Marshal. I was looking for a book."
    "It's ok. Say, what book are you looking for ?"
    "Oh I'm glad you asked!"
    "You really want to waste time hearing Shauntal's boring stories?" A young slim man said, yawning as he entered the room.

    Marshal and Shauntal turned to see the man leaning on the doorway.

    "Oh, Grimsley," Shauntal said.
    "I thought you was someone else."
    "Someone else?" Grimsley asked, dumbfounded.
    "Are you waiting for someone?"
    "Yes, Caitlin told me someone is coming."
    "Oh, the new girl? I heard she's from the Sinnoh region and has some strange powers."
    "Hey, quit gossiping about her." Marshal said. "She still the youngest one from all of us. Therefore we have to be kind to her."
    "Wow Marshal, I never knew you to be so kind to the new girl."

    Marshal blushed, but never changed his mood. Grimsley and Shauntal noticed the dark skinned man's reddish cheeks and chuckled. Marshal slapped Grimsley by the back of the head.

    "Ow! What did I do?"
    "Gossiping, that's what." Marshal answered.

    Light pink petals surrounded her bed as a girl lie sleeping. She seemed to be awake from her nap, or at least half-awake. Tears began to flow from her eyes; she didn't know why. She stared at the window while snow continued to fall. Her tears also continued when a drop of red liquid fell into the snow, followed by more. Her eyes grew grow wider when two familiar faces died in the cold winter. One person was still standing, facing an indistinct figure.

    "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" The familiar voice asked.

    The mysterious figure didn't answer. Instead, it throw an object at the man's forehead, killing him instantly.

    The girl suddenly shut her eyes, but tears still fell. She couldn't believe what she had experienced; she had never had a vision like this one before. The girl got out of her bed and walk toward the window. There was nothing but clean white snow outside. She smiled a little as she stretched, until there was a knock on her door.

    "Who is it?" She asked.
    "It's us, Caitlin." Shauntal answered.
    "Us who?"
    "Me, Marshal and Grimsley."
    "Oh, come in."

    Shauntal opened the door and the other Elite Four members walked inside. Caitlin turned to greet them, and Shauntal and Marshal greeted her back. Grimsley remained silent

    "Hey Caitlin!" Shauntal said.
    "We came to say happy 5 months in the elite four! We made gifts for you."
    "Oh wow," Caitlin said in surprise. "Thank you everyone."
    "Here, I wrote you a short story! I hope you like it."
    "Thank you, Shauntal."
    "Grimsley, you next." Marshal said to Grimsley.
    "What!? Why me? Not like your present is special."
    "Hey, that because I want to be last. Besides, your gift is just a deck of cards."
    "Way to ruin the surprise, Marshal! Here."

    Grimsley give Caitlin a deck of cards.

    "Maybe, someday, we can play a card game together." Grimsley said.
    "Uh, thanks." Caitlin said.
    "Yeah, don't. He cheats and he still owes me money,"
    "Shut up!"

    Marshal and Grimsley began to fight. Caitlin and Shauntal stared at the two young men fighting like kids. Caitlin chuckled.

    "Do they do this all the time?" She asked.
    "Yes," Shauntal answered.
    "Grimsley's family lost all of their money when he was young, now he's a gambler. I don't know much about Marshal. All he's told me his parents weren't there for him in his childhood. He and Alder are like father and son to each other."
    "I see."

    The girls continued to stare at the fight. Marshal has the upper hand. He began to pin Grimsley with his special fighting technique; sitting on his opponent's back.

    "UNCLE! UNCLE! I SAID UNCLE!" Grimsley yelled.
    "Uncle? How old are you?" Marshal asked.
    "Old enough to ask my uncle to kick your ***!"
    "HEY!"

    Everyone turn to the doorway and see Alder lending on the door.

    "Mentor!" Marshal said.
    "What you doing out of bed?"
    "Yeah, I vomited all over your bed, Marshal. Sorry about that."
    "It's ok, Mentor. No harm done..."
    "Anyways, how about we go out to celebrate Caitlin's fifth month in Unova."
    "At this time and weather?" Shauntal asked.
    "Yeah, I'd rather celebrate inside with a cup of hot chocolate." Grimsley said.
    "Fine, we'll start off tomorrow morning."
    "Tomorrow morning?" Caitlin asked.
    "Yeah, is there a problem?"
    "Well... There's going to be a snow storm in the morning."
    "Hmmm, very well, we'll do it next month then."

    Alder left the room, following by the other members. Grimsley seemed angry.

    "I don't know about you, but I think the new girl was lying." Grimsley explained.
    "Why do you say that?" Alder asked.
    "Are you serious, Alder? Even I make better lies than that. She hiding something from us."
    "Grimsley, quit gossiping about her." Marshal said.
    "It's not gossiping, it's my theory on 'Caitlin'."
    "Why did you say Caitlin like that?" Shauntal asked.
    "Because, I think that isn't her real name. She must be one of those psycho people with strange abilities."
    "Grimsley, why you so mean to her?"
    "Like I said, she's a psycho with a strange ability. Besides that, she's too young to be an Elite Four member."
    "So, she's only fourteen. She may listen to us."
    "Shauntal is right. Our mentor choose her for her Pokemon battle skills. Right mentor?"
    "Ehh... yeah..."
    "Mentor, are YOU hiding something from us?"
    "Ehhh... no..."

    "Oh coming on you guys," Alder said. "Not like I'm lying to you."

    "Where are you going, Marshal?" Alder asked.
    "Getting Caitlin's present," Marshal answered and continue walking through the halls.

    Inside Caitlin's room, Caitlin sat by the window staring in space. After hearing Grimsley's gossip, she begin to feel funny. She heard voices.

    "Why's she in the Elite Four anyway?"

    Caitlin's eyes grew in surprise upon hearing the familiar voice. There was soon more than one. She covered her ears, but the voices grew louder.

    "She's doesn't belong here."
    "She shouldn't be here," "She shouldn't be in the Elite Four."
    "Shut up..."
    "What a strange girl."
    "I SAID SHUT UP!"

    A strange breeze flew across the room, picking up everything in short range. And suddenly, items flew across the room in high speed. The door was ripped almost completely in half. Suddenly, a loud sound came from the hallway. Caitlin walked to the half-cut door and opened it. A loud thud came from Marshal, who stared in shock at a butter knife lodged in the wall, inches from his head.

    "Oh my gosh!" Caitlin said.
    "I'm so sorry! Please don't tell Alder about this."
    "Huh," Marshal said.
    "Don't tell him what? I don't think mentor won't believe me."
    "Huh, he didn't told you?"
    "Told me what?"
    "Oh dear, can you keep a secret?"
    "Of course."

    Caitlin looked around the hallway and asked Marshal to come in. After she explained everything to him about her uncontrollable psychic powers, he crossed his arms.

    "I see. Though, you don't have to keep it a secret from the others. It will hurt you. Besides, it not like it's a problem; other people in the world have the same problem as yours. And some can use it for the good and so can you. I can see in your eyes; you didn't have a good childhood."

    Caitlin didn't response.

    "Hmm. Can you keep a secret for me?"

    The girl looked up at Marshal; she never thought a big positive man like him could have secrets of his own. The two Elite Four members begin to share their secrets for almost an hour now, not knowing it was almost midnight. Caitlin went to sleep on Marshal's lap when he was about to tell her his final secret. He then picked her up carefully and carry her to her bed. He smiled.

    "I don't get it," Marshal thought as he walk out of the room.
    "She remind me a lot of myself..."

    Marshal walked through the hallway and enter to his room for the night.

    The white snow continued to fall outside. The strong winds made it impossible to see. However, someone walked in the storm, trying to fight his way to the Pokémon Center. Luckily, he made it and Nurse Joy greeted him.

    "Hello Sir," Nurse Joy said. "Welcome to the Pokémon Center."
    "Oh, Hello." The man responded.
    "Do you need your Pokémon healed or rest for the night?"
    "Oh yes, for the night. Thank you."
    "Excellent, it's very quiet around here. Especially after most challengers to the Elite Four and the Champion fail."
    "Oh no, I'm not a challenger, I'm just looking for a friend of mine."
    "Oh well, I hope you found your friend."
    "Thank you."

    The man took off his hood and revealed himself. Nurse Joy was surprised of to see the man who happen to be Darach from the Sinnoh Battle Frontier. The pink-haired woman wondered why he would be in Unova. Darach chuckled.

    "You be wondering why I came all the way to Unova." he said.
    "Well, my 'friend', Lady Caitlin, came to Unova without her parents' permission. Therefore, I'm here to take her home."

    Nurse Joy wanted to ask him why, but he absconded to the window and stared at the Pokemon League Tower. She wasn't sure why he wanted to take Caitlin back home, but she didn't want to be disrespect the royal family. Therefore, she did nothing. Darach continued staring at the window.

    "Soon, my lady." he said.
     
    Back
    Top