Zebra Thunderhead
the avenger
- 3,159
- Posts
- 16
- Years
- Age 32
- Massachusetts
- Seen Jul 3, 2013
A memoir assignment for English; meant to capture a single moment in your life where something changed your life or was a turning point in your life. If you go on a "Twilight sucks" rage, you can gtho. (:
I had normal expectations for a boyfriend or male companion in life. I did have them, I promise. That all changed standing in Kellie's house the Saturday afternoon we returned from overcasty Boston. The air outside was turning brisk. The crisp green leaves started giving up on refracting Kelly, apple, and forest green light. Autumn was magical in New England. The leaf bits and dried whirly birds whipped around your ankles when the wind blew. The trees looked to be on fire and at this time of the autumn the sparks were just starting to spread. Despite all this, it was warm in Kellie's living room. Kellie and Devin had collapsed on the sofas and hadn't moved in a good long while. I was too preoccupied with someone else to really care about that. A crimson apple betwixt two pale white, ghostly hands stared back at me from Kellie's bookshelf. 2 years earlier, I stood this way in Waldenbooks, looking at the same book spine. I read the back cover of the book as I always do. I read it over and over, trying to connect the apple on the front to the mention of vampires on the back cover. As I stood here now, I still tried to make the connection. I pulled the book out from the shelf and held it firmly in both my peach colored hands. That was the first mistake. Kellie had awoken from her unconsciousness and was staring at me. I turned on my heels and pointed to the book. I asked her, "Can I borrow this? I've been thinking about reading it." She nodded. Mistake number two. The next mistake of mine was driving home with that book resting on the passenger seat, holding that apple out to me.
In my room, I opened the front cover of the book. That was it, my fate was sealed. I was a goner for sure. I started reading the preface. The next time I noted the page number, I was at page 118. I jerked my head up, cricking it in the process, which is the most painful thing ever, and looked around suspiciously. Had hours passed? I totally lost track of time. I leapt down the stairs to find a clock. One of my eyebrows quirked when I saw only half an hour had passed. I didn't believe it. It felt like hours had passed. That's when I concluded that Stephanie Meyer had laced cocaine in the pages of Twilight. There was no other explanation for it being so addicting. I did rule out this theory though when I received no high from reading it, only questions like "Why am I still reading this book about vampires…" and "Why can't Edward Cullen exist in real life…" I can now tell the answer to that last question; why Edward Cullen cannot exist in real life. One is because he's a vampire and vampires, as far as I'm concerned don't exist, and I'd rather not think about immortal teenagers creeping around the Canadian border stalking humans. And second, if Edward Cullen did in fact exist in real life, every male would become obsolete and females would lose all expectations of what an acceptable male companion should be. Edward Cullen would throw all of those right out the window. Girls can now be sure that they will never find a male companion after reading Twilight. This is because Edward Cullen is so annoyingly good at everything he does and so annoyingly beautiful that every other male that enters his ranged is immediately shamed. Girls will now expect every male to act like Edward Cullen and life and in true reality, this is not true. At all. Reading the Twilight series has more than likely ruined all hope I have for a decent spouse later in life. So thank you, Stephanie and Edward, for ruining my life.
Thanks for reading.
I had normal expectations for a boyfriend or male companion in life. I did have them, I promise. That all changed standing in Kellie's house the Saturday afternoon we returned from overcasty Boston. The air outside was turning brisk. The crisp green leaves started giving up on refracting Kelly, apple, and forest green light. Autumn was magical in New England. The leaf bits and dried whirly birds whipped around your ankles when the wind blew. The trees looked to be on fire and at this time of the autumn the sparks were just starting to spread. Despite all this, it was warm in Kellie's living room. Kellie and Devin had collapsed on the sofas and hadn't moved in a good long while. I was too preoccupied with someone else to really care about that. A crimson apple betwixt two pale white, ghostly hands stared back at me from Kellie's bookshelf. 2 years earlier, I stood this way in Waldenbooks, looking at the same book spine. I read the back cover of the book as I always do. I read it over and over, trying to connect the apple on the front to the mention of vampires on the back cover. As I stood here now, I still tried to make the connection. I pulled the book out from the shelf and held it firmly in both my peach colored hands. That was the first mistake. Kellie had awoken from her unconsciousness and was staring at me. I turned on my heels and pointed to the book. I asked her, "Can I borrow this? I've been thinking about reading it." She nodded. Mistake number two. The next mistake of mine was driving home with that book resting on the passenger seat, holding that apple out to me.
In my room, I opened the front cover of the book. That was it, my fate was sealed. I was a goner for sure. I started reading the preface. The next time I noted the page number, I was at page 118. I jerked my head up, cricking it in the process, which is the most painful thing ever, and looked around suspiciously. Had hours passed? I totally lost track of time. I leapt down the stairs to find a clock. One of my eyebrows quirked when I saw only half an hour had passed. I didn't believe it. It felt like hours had passed. That's when I concluded that Stephanie Meyer had laced cocaine in the pages of Twilight. There was no other explanation for it being so addicting. I did rule out this theory though when I received no high from reading it, only questions like "Why am I still reading this book about vampires…" and "Why can't Edward Cullen exist in real life…" I can now tell the answer to that last question; why Edward Cullen cannot exist in real life. One is because he's a vampire and vampires, as far as I'm concerned don't exist, and I'd rather not think about immortal teenagers creeping around the Canadian border stalking humans. And second, if Edward Cullen did in fact exist in real life, every male would become obsolete and females would lose all expectations of what an acceptable male companion should be. Edward Cullen would throw all of those right out the window. Girls can now be sure that they will never find a male companion after reading Twilight. This is because Edward Cullen is so annoyingly good at everything he does and so annoyingly beautiful that every other male that enters his ranged is immediately shamed. Girls will now expect every male to act like Edward Cullen and life and in true reality, this is not true. At all. Reading the Twilight series has more than likely ruined all hope I have for a decent spouse later in life. So thank you, Stephanie and Edward, for ruining my life.
Thanks for reading.
