@Impossiperiod, a few concerns with your SU.
On the spells, Arpeggio is mostly fine, but it's very vague about its range of effect. Are its range and power supposed to be completely dependent on how much energy she's using? Bariolage is overpowered for what it does. It can "deflect most spells or projectiles" over a wide enough range to protect multiple people, and even lets Yukio use offensive spells without releasing the barrier. Especially for someone who's had essentially no prior training for such a spell (and the history's description of how she seems to have control issues in the midst of chaos like on a battlefield where she could be actively attacked), this shouldn't be remotely possible. Likewise, Cadenza is, although a short-lived spell and has moderate consequences toward Yukio, too powerful ("The gust of wind has the ability to deflect or collide with whatever projectile or element it is casted at or that is casted at it," for example), and it lacks anything to particularly separate it from Arpeggio. Arpeggio could achieve the same effect just through a stronger output. (Also, "mental freshness" makes me think of those annoying vaginal freshness commercials that are always on TV.)
For the personality and history, spacing. They're single-spaced, and it's a pain in the ass to read.
Concerning the personality, Yukio seems to contradict herself on multiple fronts. Yukio is described as a calm and curious person, and she "actively seeks understanding," yet she's perfectly content that "Whatever comes will come and there's nothing that you can do to stop it, no matter what you think." It may be pickiness, but a curious person seeking understanding would usually
at least think of what other possibilities there are, no? How does she not act on impulse even once in a while? There's also the point about how she's active during activities, but she's described as an introvert. While it's perfectly possible, you need to explain this a good bit better for it to actually make sense. Lastly—and this one just seriously pisses me off instead of being an
actual problem with the sheet—is how she hums and sings when she's intrigued. It's not the singing that pisses me off—it's the idea that you're going to be using words to describe her singing. That doesn't work.
Ever. Just thought you needed to know.
Also, "Yukio still enjoys nothing more than to show off how much of a weirdo she is by wearing outfits that her grandmother would forbid." That's not weird. At all. That's freakin' Teenage Rebellion 101.
The second paragraph of the history is extremely vague, too. What qualifies as a "hectic or calculated chaotic setting" (not to mention that chaos is inherently
not calculated)? The development in the paragraph is also completely dismissed. You bring up a lot of things, but they never get a second mention; why are these control issues never addressed? Why do you leave out literally everything about the "challenges" she faced? Other questions include, but are not limited to:
- Where the hell did grandma's "prophesizing" come from?
- How does the rest of Yukio's family fall into this? Namely, the men. They may not have any magic capability, but surely it's not all just Yukio, her mother and her grandmother. Don't the men have some part to play in her development? For example, what happened with Yukio's dad? Did he abandon the family or something after finding out how Yukio had magic powers, too?
- Why can't I see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
