• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best fan communities on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! We are not affiliated with The Pokémon Company or Nintendo.
    Register

[Other FULL] Whisper (M)

Xilfer

Just won't die.
1,880
Posts
13
Years
    • I'm really sorry if this is a bit, err, intense. If you want me to tone it down just say so.

    Username: Definitely not Xilfer
    Name: Minerva LaRossa
    Gender: Female
    Age: 27
    Birthplace: Rome, Italy
    Side: Assassin
    Rank: Assassin

    Appearance:

    Minerva stands at 5'6" and weighs 140 lbs. She has a fair bit of muscle accumulated even if it isn't immediately obvious, though her stamina is still very low. She has a skinny, curvy body structure. Her hair reaches to her shoulders and is colored a light ginger color. Her skin is rather pale, and she has a few freckles on her cheeks, giving her a somewhat Scottish appearance. (It's not really known, but her family is of Scottish descent) Her eyes are a dark brown; so dark they almost appear black.

    Clothing:

    Most of the time:
    Spoiler:


    When she's out and about murdering innocents, she instead uses a long black cloak with a hood to conceal her face.

    Personality:

    Though she makes a point never to show this side of herself to others, Minerva is a twisted individual. Sadistic, she takes the utmost pleasure in the pain and suffering of her victims, whether they be targets designated by the Brotherhood or otherwise. The end of life is what she lives for, and she revels in the glorious feeling of taking life forcibly from others' hands. She is incredibly selfish, feeling no sympathy whatsoever towards the people she kills. With this, it is without a doubt suitable to label Minerva LaRossa a veritable psychopath. Cold-hearted, sadistic, selfish, and apathetic, she considers it her job to bring agony into the lives of others.

    Of course, Minerva is no fool. She realizes that should she ever be discovered for who – or what – she really is, she would likely be killed by the very Brotherhood she belongs to. The closest anyone (at least, anyone still alive) sees of her true psychotic nature is a fleeting smile right before an assassination. As such, she makes sure to follow the Creed to the best of her ability, and strives to act like the model Assassin. She knows that as long as she does, she will be given the tools she needs to kill. Minerva pretends to care for her fellow Assassins, and oppose the Templars as they all do, but in reality she sees herself as above them all. In fact, she sees herself as above everyone. It's this pride that allows her to kill the 'vermin' called humanity without regret or remorse.

    Minerva is a calculating individual; this is an aspect of herself she's not afraid to show to anyone, and anyone who knows her can see. During an assassination, she always makes sure to plan as far as possible ahead of time, and always have a back-up plan or two in mind should something go wrong. She makes sure to collect as much information about the target beforehand in order to make the kill as flawless and untraceable as possible. With targets designated by the Brotherhood, she knows that she's expected to end the life as quickly and quietly as possible, much to her dismay. However, with... others, she takes her time.

    History:

    Death is something Minerva LaRossa has been intimate with her entire life. One could say it even follows her. She was born into a rather poor family in Rome, Italy. Her father, Leonardo, was a simple salesman who owned a store, and his wife Agnese worked in said store. However, when Minerva was born, tragedy struck: her mother died during childbirth. Leonardo, devastated, blamed his daughter for the incident and, for most of her early life, completely ignored her. When she was an infant he hired a woman to care for her, but after she'd turned five years of age he would only provide the essentials such as food and a place to stay. Over time, however, even this diminished, as the man grew tired of the girl he considered to be a curse. She was forced to learn to be independent at a young age, learning to cook and clean. Eventually she started to do these chores for her father, in an attempt to gain his favor. In the end, however, it did not work. Leonardo LaRossa had been depressed over his wife's loss for years, and eventually it got to him when he committed suicide. This left Minerva all alone to fend for herself on the streets.

    Life on the streets was hard, needless to say. Especially for a young girl. At the age of ten, a rather vicious man captured her and proceeded to try and do... unsightly things. However, Minerva managed to turn the tables on him and take his knife, after which she proceeded to mercilessly gut the man in a blind rush of adrenaline. That was the girl's first taste of blood. And it felt good. Minerva resolved to kill again, as often as she could. These kinds of attacks were rather common, so whenever a man tried to attack her again and do the same, she would surprise him and kill him. The longer this went on, the more she began to draw out the sick pleasure of killing by slowly torturing her victims before ending it.

    However, one day, she was met with a man she could not defeat. The incredibly burly man had seen through her usual hidden knife trick and managed to disarm her, leaving her at his mercy. From nowhere, however, a heroic figure stepped out from the shadows to save the young murderer. He proceeded to use a hidden blade the likes of which she'd never seen to swiftly bring an end to the man. The Assassin, named Attilio Montello, felt sympathy for the young girl, completely unknowing of her true nature. Minerva, meanwhile, was in awe of the skilled killer. He agreed to train her to become part of the Assassin Brotherhood, and so it began.

    After receiving basic training, Minerva was apprenticed by Attilio, who quickly recognized her skill. Her incredible reflexes, along with her aim, made her both a long and short range fighter. She also had a knack for using knives very effectively, including throwing knives. Thanks to her skill, she became a full-fledged Assassin at only the age of 23.

    Her new status as an Assassin gave her many advantages, though above all was the freedom she now had. As an Assassin she had gained the necessary knowledge and skills to become a powerful killer, and now she also had the free time to do so. And so, Minerva once again picked up the habit of killing people. This time, it wasn't just predatory men she considered to be deserving of death. It was all kinds of people. The type of person she decided to murder depended entirely on what mood she was feeling; that was how lightly she took the act. She made sure to stalk her victim first and plan ahead for the most effective kill. Her skills as an Assassin allowed her to easily immobilize, capture, torture, and ultimately kill each one of her victims. She reveled in the sick pleasure she gained from it. Most of her victims' bodies were found horribly tortured before death, in various ways.

    Eventually, Minerva managed to make a name for herself as an unidentified serial killer. The fearful public even gave her a name: the Devil's Dagger, due to how she always kills using knives.

    Kin:
    Mother: Agnese LaRossa [Deceased]
    Father: Leonardo LaRossa [Deceased]

    Weapons:

    Spoiler:


    Abilities: Minerva has incredible reflexes. She's able to easily sense and avoid oncoming attacks before her mind can even properly register it; in other words, her muscle memory is also impressive. In addition, she possesses an excellent aim, able to hit a designated target from very far away with either a Crossbow or a Throwing Knife.

    Weaknesses:
    • Terrible defenses
    • Gets lost in thought
    • No real respect for anyone; only pretends
    • When pushed too far, her facade may momentarily break and she will reveal her true nature
    • Children. She has a soft spot for them and won't harm them no matter what.

    Strengths:
    • Very fast
    • Agile
    • Good at climbing and parkour

    Likes:
    • Killing
    • Seeing others suffer
    • Kids
    • Planning
    • Reading
    • Attention

    Dislikes:
    • Justice
    • People in general
    • Herself
    • When people ask her stupid questions
    • Being ignored

    Other: Nothing is true.

    Theme Song:

    ...I can't think of anything. I don't listen to much music outside of video game soundtracks >_> Mind if I just fill this in later?

    ​
     

    DeathofShadows

    The Brightest Darkness
    226
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Well... Actually, something like this could be quite interesting. Especially if other characters -Totall not Eren- find that they like her.

    The only issue that I may have is that you would have to keep a good watch on your descriptions of a kill in your posts, civilian or target. If torture is involved, it would most likely be best if you skipped that scene altogether.

    As for the theme song... Perhaps you should try this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAf2S6ij2gk

    I'll accept your character.
     

    Xilfer

    Just won't die.
    1,880
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Indeed, I was planning on skipping the torture scenes. We are on a Pokemon forum, after all. >.>

    Haha, that song's hilariously fitting. I think I will try and find another though.

    So next is the Templar Captain. I have some ideas for him already.
     

    タイラー

    Stress
    313
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Seen Dec 18, 2014
    I'll just chip away at this...

    Username: タイラー
    Name: Charles Devany
    Gender: Male
    Age: 30
    Birthplace: York, England
    Side: Templar
    Rank: Templar Captain
    Appearance: [Just a description of the character. An image may be included if you so wish.]
    Clothing: [What clothes do they wear? A picture may be included.]
    Weapons: A Steel Longsword, and a Warhammer (I know im the only person who doesn't use images.)

    Personality:

    History:

    Kin:
    Phillip Devany [Templar] Father, Alive
    Celia Devany [Citizen] Mother, Deceased
    Cloudiana Devany (Medivani) [Citizen] Wife, Alive

    Abilities: [Something they're good at!]
    Weaknesses: [At least five.]
    Strengths: [At most three.]
    Likes:
    Dislikes:
    Other:
    Theme Song: [For fun!]
     

    DeathofShadows

    The Brightest Darkness
    226
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Judge Mandalore Shepard - Your spot is reserved!

    And Ty, since your apprentice is lacking as to an instructor, I have rustled one up for you.

    Username: DeathofShadows

    Name: Hasani Bakar

    Gender: Male

    Age: 45

    Birthplace: Alexandria, Egypt, Ottoman Empire

    Side: Assassin

    Rank: Instructor

    Appearance:
    Spoiler:


    Hasani is a tall, muscular figure, and maintains a presence about him that gives him an aura of no-nonsense. However, his sharp blue eyes have laugh lines around them, and it is not rare that his otherwise stoic face is graced by a wide grin. He keeps his black hair around shoulder length, though he often holds it in place with a cloth wrap. His skin tone is a dark tan, native to his region of birth, and he wears a short, trimmed beard.

    Clothing:
    Spoiler:


    Weapons: Hasani often carries two scimitars, along with his hidden blade, which he carries on his right arm. This is due to the clawed gauntlet on his other hand, which can be used as both to attack and to assist in free running, much like a Hookblade would.

    Personality: Hasani is a self-centered man, often believing that his ideals are the best. He does not take orders very well, and often does things his own way. Despite these shortcomings, though, he is kind to others, and laughs often. He is a very skilled teacher, one of the main reasons that he was promoted to an instructor, and is rather attached to his apprentices. He loves to crack jokes, though often they are slightly esoteric, from the region of his birth. He hates the idea of the Templar, and is after them not only to destroy their twisted ideals, but also to pursue a personal vendetta.

    History: Hasani was born to a middle-class family, so he was rather unused to the street life. His father was a scholar, his higher wages allowing his mother to remain home in relative comfort. However, Hasani was a spirited boy, and was always exploring the twisting backways of the large city of Alexandria. He was a good boy, though, and was always home before dark. Yet as he grew older, his explorations ran farther and longer, and by the time he came of age, he had explored almost every bit of the large district that his family lived in.

    It had been intended that Hasani become a scholar, like his father, when he came of age. Hasani didn't like that. His adventurous tendencies had only been stoked as he grew, and wanted to go abroad. Perhaps as a sailor, seeing all of the Empire. This was frowned upon as a fanciful dream, and a discouraged one at that.

    But Hasani was not so easily swayed, and made plans to sneak away as soon as he had attained everything needed to show himself a full citizen of the Ottoman Empire. Yet it was not to be.

    It was during a visit to the market that Hasani first saw the smoke. He had gone alone, as his mother was heavy with a new child, and his father had been busy in his study when he had left. By the time he reached what was left of his home, it was too late.

    Left all alone in the world, Hasani became hard and cold. He used everything he knew to follow the trail of his parents' killer. In just a few short months, he had found the man, only to lose him again as he left the city via ship.

    The man was not thrown. He caught the next ship headed to the same place: Rome.

    He was quickly out of his depth in the giant city. It was nothing like Alexandria. As he had only a few coins left after paying the ship's captain, he was left in the streets, cold and hungry. That is, until he was approached by The Brotherhood. They were assassins. They could teach him the art of killing. They could give him the step up that he needed, to find that man that had killed his family.

    Through his training, Hasani became an even colder killer, but it also opened him up. Within the few years of training, his vendetta lost some of its meaning as he made friends. Gone was the hard boy whose single goal was to kill a man. Instead, Hasani took to the role of a protector of the innocent, who opposed tyranny and injustice.

    Once a full assassin, though, Hasani learned something that would change him. The man he had been tracking for the past several years was a Templar, and a rather influential one at that.

    Yet he did not let it effect him visibly. He soon assumed the rank of Instructor, and pursued his new occupation wholeheartedly. He did not forget his parents, ever, but he had found a calling that appealed to him much more than a revenge filled rage.

    Kin: Fasi Bakar (deceased) [Mother], Ansu Bakar (deceased) [Father]

    Abilities: Hasani is a skilled free-runner, and excels at close combat.

    Weaknesses: When it comes to following orders, Hasani is almost hopeless, preceding his own methods. He is easily angered, and becomes arrogant when he feels victory is assured. He is claustrophobic, and can go through anxiety attacks when surrounded by too many people. As he is slightly nearsighted, he is a horrid shot, and is not very comfortable using a bow. This also leads to him being a bit more ferocious when fighting, and he is not the type to retreat on his own, even if his is horribly outnumbered.

    Strengths: Hasani is a master of the Scimitar, and his speed and agility make him a deadly foe. He is also gifted with a very spatial, and partially photographic, mind, and once he has taken a certain route, he can remember it perfectly thereafter.

    Likes: Hasani prefers quiet places, and loves making people laugh.

    Dislikes: Hasani is adverse to cold, something common among those of his origin, and he dislikes large crowds.

    Other: Nothing is true

    Theme Song: Skillet - Forsaken
     
    Nakuzami

    Nakuzami

    [img]https://i.imgur.com/iwlpePA.png[/img]
    6,896
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • Sorry if I left things a little vague; I felt these were characters I should primarily elaborate upon in character.

    Username: Nakuzami
    Name: Veronica Cinquemani da Siracusa
    Gender: Female
    Age: 36
    Birthplace: Syracuse, Sicily, Italy
    Side: Assassin
    Rank: Assassin Instructor

    Appearance:
    A woman of imposing stature, she cares little for beauty yet carries it naturally. She's taller than many, measuring almost six feet tall, and she weighs about one hundred and seventy pounds, thanks to her toned yet lithe figure. She has somewhat long platinum blonde hair that appears more white than anything. Her hair frames her sharp facial features, and it complements her deep blue eyes. She has some weight to her, but she's still a relatively slim woman.

    She wears a dress composed of a purple shirt with detached sleeves, purple pants with a skirt over top, and purple leather boots. Her assassin outfit is remarkable similar, albeit black and with a hooded jacket to conceal her identity.

    references: face and body type, outfit​
    Weapons:
    Veronica has a thing for knives, so it stands to reason that her primary weapons would be daggers and the like. She carries three main daggers: a stiletto, a rondel, and a poignard; as well as a rapier, longbow, and the traditional hidden blade.​
    Personality:
    Two words typically come to mind when one tries to describe Veronica: stoic, and cynical. As a whole she comes off as an unfriendly and isolated person, and that's just how she chooses to appear. Deep down, she probably is a warm and kindhearted person, but as far as the day to day is concerned, she's cold, decisive, and a wonderful assassin. Even so, she holds the ideals of the Brotherhood closely, especially the goal of freedom for all people. She fights for this goal, tearing down those that would control and oppress others.

    She doesn't hold many people close, and she gives her trust and respect only to those that she deems worthy. Due to this, she has few friends, and fewer people that she will bow to, but those that do befriend her find in her a trusting and protective person. She has little want for wealth or riches, but she also sees no reason to reject them.​
    History:
    Veronica was born into the peasantry of Syracuse, where she was raised in poverty and comparatively deplorable conditions. Her parents were kind and loving individuals, and her father had once been a decently wealthy man, until he was blindsided by his rivals and lost everything when she was just a toddler. Everything was taken from them, and they were forced to live in a small, ill-equipped space. They weren't living; they were simply surviving.

    They adapted to this lifestyle, doing whatever they could to make ends meet. As for Veronica, she discovered her talents for thievery and cons, tricking unsuspecting individuals and robbing them blind. By the time that she was fourteen, she had mastered the arts of deception and pickpocketing. She could talk her way around the wealthy and rob them blind without even trying very hard. By sixteen she could leap between buildings and climb the tallest tower around. It wasn't long after that she was brought into the Brotherhood.

    She used her talents to gain a standing of some repute within the Brotherhood, and it wasn't long before she was rising through the ranks. In her earlier years of her training, she practiced perfecting her talents with a dagger, and then eventually learned how to wield a sword and a bow. By the age of twenty-five, she was one of the finest assassins in her order. Eventually she gained enough renown and wealth to become a true "lady," though she uses this position more as a platform to continue her work than to simply amass a fortune. She also adopted the name "Cinquemani," referencing her ways as a thief, juxtaposed with her new lifestyle. This was her way of setting herself apart from her past.

    Relationship-wise, she's loved only one man, but he has long since passed. They had one child together, a son, who she is not very close with. In order to teach him the ways of the world, she left him alone in it, giving him an opportunity to learn to survive on his own, and gain respect as a street-born assassin. He is unaware of his relation to Veronica, but she keeps a close watch on him, tracking his progress until the day that she brings him into the Brotherhood.

    Now she lives as a regal Sicilian woman, performing her assassin duties while also taking on the title of instructor, teaching young Marcus the ways of the Brotherhood.​
    Kin:
    Father Vincenzo de Luca da Catania
    Mother Amedea Della Valle​
    Abilities:
    Unmatched in her skill and aim with her daggers, on top of being a skilled fencer. She is also incredibly observant and aware of how to manipulate others, giving her an advantage in the field.​
    Weaknesses:
    Sometimes Veronica can be a bit too passionate about helping others, causing her to jump into dangerous and perhaps reckless situations to help another, and this is especially true of children, for whom she has a particularly large soft spot. And though she may know how to talk around someone to manipulate them, she's not a very charismatic person, so she sometimes struggles with daily conversations. She's also not well versed on how to maintain a relationship with another person. Beyond that, she has a bit of a weak stomach when it comes to obscene amounts of gore.​
    Strengths:
    Incredibly agile and quick on her feet, making her one of the fastest and most acrobatic assassins in the Brotherhood. She's very astute, little escaping her gaze, and her astounding memory gives her a vast wealth of knowledge to use against her foes.​
    Likes:
    Reading, libraries, quiet, nighttime, animals, and that glorious moment when a moron is removed from a position of power.​
    Dislikes:
    The things Veronica hates are basically comprised of the seven deadly sins: pride, wrath, envy, greed, lust, gluttony, and sloth. She hates arrogant, lazy individuals that seek out money, power, and sex, gorge themselves as they watch the peasantry starve, use their power to harm those less fortunate than them, and yet still yearn for the power of those who hold more than they do.​
    Other:
    Theme Song: Forgotten Vendetta


    Name: Marcus, Il Ombra Pedinatore
    Gender: Male
    Age: 19
    Birthplace: Messina, Sicily, Italy
    Side: Assassin
    Rank: Assassin Apprentice

    Appearance:
    Marcus is a tall, broad man. He towers above most others at six feet three inches and his impressive muscles give him a bulky two hundred and fifty pounds to work with. He has chiseled facial features further defined by his red stubble that he keeps cleanly shaped. His red hair is short and stylistically unkempt, and his deep green eyes complement his bright hair beautifully. He's incredibly fit and his muscles clearly show it.

    He wears a simple white tunic, brown breeches, and worn brown leather boots for the day to day. Beyond that, he has his assassin uniform.

    references: head, eye color, body type, assassin clothing (minus cloak and glove)​

    Weapons:
    Marcus prefers a more brutal fighting style, favoring the sword above any other weapon. His primary blade is a cusped falchion, which he dubbed Boia. He also carries a crossbow, and a stiletto given to him by Veronica.​
    Personality:
    Marcus is about as stubborn and reckless as they come, and he's not shy about it. His attitude is loud, and his demeanor not very light. He learned anger at a very young age, and it's been his best weapon against the world around him ever since. He can be irritable and hotheaded, and he's quick to challenge authority. Still, he concentrates his anger against those that he believes deserve it: the corrupt and the oppressive, for starters. Sure, he can be kind, but it's not something he does that often, and only for certain people. He's polite to strangers, and loving to children, but he's not an easy person to make friends with.

    He's an easy person to get along with, though, in a certain sense. He likes to play for both teams, and he doesn't discriminate when it comes to who he gets in bed with, so long as he finds them attractive. On a less serious level, he does try to maintain some amount of amiability. When it comes to the Brotherhood, he may not have many friends among his brethren, but he does trust most of them.​
    History:
    Marcus was born into an extraordinarily impoverished family on the streets of Messina, where he lived a life of base survival and in deplorable conditions for the first five years of his life. He remembers little of these first few years, other than experiencing intense amounts of fear, hunger, and pain. The first vivid memory that he retains is that of fire and blood. When he was five years old, most of his family perished in a fire. Beyond that, he recalls blood and steel, and most of what he knows of that day is what he's been told. The fire that killed his family was not accidental, and the blood and steel he remembers is from when his parents were slaughtered in front of him. The "who" and "why" to the mystery of the ones who killed his family remain a mystery. The only reason he survived is because his eldest sister hid him away during the disaster, and he was then rescued by a woman in strange robes. Years later he would come to know this woman as Veronica.

    The woman didn't stick around for more than a few moments, running off to some other target almost immediately. From then on Marcus was left mostly to himself, sticking by his uncle and last remaining relative for a while afterwards. His uncle wasn't a loving or well-to-do person, and so only assisted him rather than taking him in. Marcus was still alone, more than ever before, and quickly learned how to survive on his own. He would beg, steal food and coin, pickpocket, and pick locks to get what he needed to survive. He went on like this for about nine years. When he was fourteen, he made friends with another street urchin much like himself. They began performing crimes together, and thanks to a boosted confidence from their teamwork, the scale of the crimes they performed heightened, resulting in larger rewards for larger risks. Of course, this got them noticed, but hey managed to evade direct confrontation with the authorities for two years.

    During this time, the two became good friends. So good, in fact, that they eventually became romantically involved. That was about the time that Marcus's uncle decided to start pretending that he didn't exist. It hurt Marcus, but he figured it wasn't a huge loss since his uncle hadn't been a great help to him in the first place. He continued in his ways, which eventually led to a spot of trouble that led to the death of Marcus's friend. Suffice to say that didn't help with his negative views of the world, and he soon resorted to placing mental barriers around himself, shutting himself off from the world. He became angry and bitter, which caused him to challenge the authorities even more.

    Eventually he got noticed by the Brotherhood, specifically by Veronica. He was young and reckless, but Veronica volunteered to take him under her wing. She recalled the boy from the day his family perished, and perhaps she took pity on him. Regardless of why, she approached him with an offer and eventually inducted him into the Brotherhood. He now trains under her, using the skills he's honed over his life to become a great assassin.​
    Kin:
    Father (Deceased)
    Mother (Deceased)
    Sister (Deceased)
    Sister (Deceased)
    Brother (Deceased)
    Uncle​
    Abilities:
    An incredible swordsman with quick movements. He can overpower most enemies and out speed those he cannot. He's also a skilled lock pick.​
    Weaknesses:
    Quick to anger and easily enticed by power and attractive individuals. Not always the best at blending in and not necessarily the most observant of individuals.​
    Strengths:
    Thanks to his training under Veronica, Marcus has learned to combine his physical strength with an agile fighting style, giving him a great balance between speed and brawn. He's also incredibly adept at sizing up his opponents and seeking out their weaknesses, allowing him to go for quick finishes in combat.​
    Likes:
    Pomegranate, power, men and women alike, nature, climbing, helping others, and shunning authority.​
    Dislikes:
    Bigots, those that abuse their power, authority figures, and people that screw with his pomegranates.​
    Other: Nothing Is True
    Theme Song: Fires of a Revolution​
     

    kingofusebi

    33
    Posts
    9
    Years
    • Seen Mar 20, 2016
    Username:Kingofusebi
    Name: Luciano Boerio
    Gender: M
    Age: 19
    Birthplace: Venice, Italy
    Side: Assassin
    Rank: Assassin
    Appearance
    Spoiler:

    Weapons
    Spoiler:

    Personality
    Spoiler:

    History
    Spoiler:

    Kin
    Spoiler:

    Abilities
    Spoiler:

    Weaknesses
    Spoiler:

    Strengths
    Spoiler:

    Likes: Justice, Bows, Hunting
    Dislikes: Templars, Evil People
     
    Last edited:

    DeathofShadows

    The Brightest Darkness
    226
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Kingofusebi - I can tell you right off the bat that you are goig to need quite a bit of work.

    First off, understand that just because the Twmplar are the antagonists does not mean that they are savages. If your character does nothing but murder and torture, they wouldn't accept him in the first place, much less promote him to captain.

    Secondly, we come to your history. I can accept being taught the ways of fighting, I can even accept that it was harsh. But past that, it is a jumble of confusing half-sentences that I can barely understand. From what I did glean though... You are sadly mistaken. Assassins may be killers, but they fight for justice and equality. They wouldn't burn down a city and murder everyone. Much less without a given reason.

    Overall, I am sorry to say that I will not be able to accept this character. There is nothing you can do to fix him that won't fundamentally change who he is.

    Do not think I am kicking you out though. You may feel free to create another character if you still wish to join!
     

    DeathofShadows

    The Brightest Darkness
    226
    Posts
    10
    Years
    • Ah. I was not adequately notified of that.

    Much better. Definitely a step in the right direction. Two things you will still have to fix before you may be accepted though.

    First off, in his history, you have him fighting "an army of thieves waiting to ambush him". This does not make sense. Especially if it is inside a building. You may reduce it to a small hand of about ten to fifteen, which would fit better with the scene and time period.

    Secondly, GRAMMAR. Looking through your entire SU, I see not a single comma. If you look at the rules, it outlines that proper grammar is to be used. If you could fix your sentences by either breaking them up (not reccomended) or adding commas where necessary (reccomended) that would be great.
     
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top