Why is it that these things always happen -٧-

[droomph]

So to anyone in the past where you have been insulted by me, sorry. (commence sad attempt at being vague, take one)

And yes I'm getting help. But these things happen because I need the help so shush up and accept the apology :}

But seriously sorry. I don't get why this happens every time I try to get serious¿ so bear with me as I take the lid off the anger machine woooooo! pop pop pop it's actually a mystery to us all why this happens.

There. I hope that apology was enough. And if it wasn't, then…tough luck then, I guess you'll have to duke it out with me in the VMs. But please try to avoid that I've got enough warnings from the admins as it is and us bashing our respective selves won't really help to get rid of my "spoiled brat/a-hole" standing with them.

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THE RANT STARTS HERE. IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE ABOUT DEATH/SUICIDE PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. OR DON'T. ACTUALLY I HAVE A HANDY SUMMARY DOWN AT THE VERY END IF YOU WISH TO KNOW BUT DON'T WANT TO READ THIS.

*sigh* sometimes I do wonder about myself. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to think clearly before smashing heads? I don't know what was going on when I thought "hey maybe this time it'll turn out differently!" and went in before I landed myself in all this mess and remembered "a lunatic is someone who does something twice and expects differently" and ohhhhhhh right I'm a lunatic better clean this place up.

Then I feel like I'm just being self-pitying and I know from experience that those people are annnnnnnnnnoying ughhh and so now I'm annoyed at myself and suddenly internal death threat #1 comes up. "You just keep pitying yourself and I'll kill you!"

"Wait but we don't have a belt…and you know nothing about knots…"

"I'll think of something."

"uh okay" by this point, I am terrified. But I focus on the fact that even if he did know how to tie a noose I'm too tall to "hang" off of anything in a four-block radius and who walks half an hour to…oh…

So I ignore the inconsistencies and tell myself it's all gonna be okay because hah he can't do anything without my express consent ^^

But then I send a plea for help to one of those handy "grown ups" (seriously, they're everywhere!) and as I hit "send" death threat #2 comes in, loud and vague as ****

"I am going to soooo shoot you to death"

"As opposed to what?" I reply terrified/sassily. But then I remember that we don't have guns in California and I can't drive! Also I'm really scared of projectiles so I would never be able to follow through but hey that story is for another confession.

So for the whole night half a year or two this is going on pretty much what I can only describe as ad infinitum. Just every five minutes I hear myself threatening myself with bodily harm/death and I'm like so what you have to go through me first then I say to myself well when there's a will there's a way!

Then I realize I'm not in control of anything anymore so I come here and write an apology to everyone in the past year and try not to make it sound too self-pitying but then it turns out terrifying not only to me but potentially any normal person reading this and I'm ultra super duper sorry if this caused you any stress well if it makes you feel any better I'll send you some money through the mail.

SO IN SUMMARY: I am sorry, and I have a lot to get off of my mind and pretty much none of you really need to care, and for those who do I'll give you a bit of money to compensate for your losses and damages if you so desire.

And if you're suspicious about the seriousness of my problems, just know that number one, you don't know my problems, and two, I tend to "comedy" it up (though it's probably nowhere as funny as I think it is) to lessen the pain of remembering this past year as opposed to giving a droll, tell-all confession to people who potentially don't care.

 

[Sableye~]

Remember that, as you mentioned, you dohave control over your actions. And hey, if you can't (or don't want to) use your own safety as a good enough reason, use other people. Friends, family. People who care about you and your safety. People who would be concerned if they knew (if they don't already). Heck, I only know you from lurking on the DCC and I'm concerned.

Also, you're wrong- you are funny.

 

[Guest]

I don't understand. :(

 

[droomph]

Remember that, as you mentioned, you dohave control over your actions. And hey, if you can't (or don't want to) use your own safety as a good enough reason, use other people. Friends, family. People who care about you and your safety. People who would be concerned if they knew (if they don't already). Heck, I only know you from lurking on the DCC and I'm concerned.

Also, you're wrong- you are funny.

Thank you :) I'm sorry I can't reply to you because I've practically forgotten what I've written because I've blocked it out of my memory :p

I don't understand. :(

You know how you pretty much did the Internet version of beat the **** out of me in March? I know, I know, I deserved it, etc. But that's not the point.

Well, not to be rude or make you feel bad, but that pretty much ruined what little self-respect I had for myself (mostly me beating myself up for whatever happened so it's not really even your fault), and the "incident" a few days ago pretty much pushed me over the edge and I just spilled everything to my therapist and I thought it would be appropriate to apologize for my problems and explain myself a little better.

And if you were being sarcastic (it's hard to tell without you speaking to me) well screw you too that's just something I had to tell you and now that I'm spilling the beans I might as well spill all the beans.

 

[Kanzler]

What do you need to apologize for? You're not a bad person. Don't start believing you have no control. If you're afraid of doing stupid ****, thinking that'll just make you do more stupid ****. Play some golf. Try ngaf. Because often gaf leads to a self-perpetuating cycle, which you can end with golf. Don't let anybody beat you up and don't beat yourself up either. If you don't believe it yet, fake it until you make it. The psychology there works.

 

[droomph]

I don't think you were around for the big meltdowns, but thanks regardless :p

 

[Kura]

I'm afraid I don't really understand either.. are you seeking help for depression, schizophrenia, or both? I mean, if you're not comfortable explaining, you don't have to, of course. I get that blogs are for ranting purposes anyway. Just thought to ask.
Either way I hope you can tell yourself to move on from the past and find a way to make things better for yourself soon. Keep your monies, bro!

 

[droomph]

I'm just seeing them to get over my stress or something. :^ I don't know honestly but they're convenient to have around so :D

 

[Kura]

I agree. I think a lot of people seem to think that therapists are really taboo.. when.. it's actually a great way to de-stress and sort yourself out (like going to a spa or something.)
You're lucky that you have some that are conveniently around.

 

[droomph]

I agree. I think a lot of people seem to think that therapists are really taboo.. when.. it's actually a great way to de-stress and sort yourself out (like going to a spa or something.)
You're lucky that you have some that are conveniently around.

yep ^^