Back in 2007, I wanted to become a moderator a great deal. The memberbase was different then, and it felt like this huge prestigious honor to be granted with that title. I think it was more of the title and the recognition than anything else that drew me into it. I wanted to be part of the inside circle that was PC staff. Especially since most of my friends, since I joined the forums, were slowly getting promoted and I could no longer speak to them like I used to be able to.
When it happened, I was elated. A few months passed, and I started wanting to become a super moderator. But my desire to become a super moderator came from a different part of me. I wanted to actually influence and contribute to what makes PC PC. I wanted to help make it better. I wanted changes that I felt were necessary to occur. I had a voice and an opinion that I felt would really be put to good use. More importantly, I had ideas. And during my time as a super moderator, I think I fulfilled that purpose a great deal. I thrived in HQ. It was my favorite forum. I saw myself as the people's voice, and I really think I was. I would always see how members thought of ideas before I ever brought them up for vote. I would do my best to fill the shoes that I made for myself in representing the member base, rather than the staff, like some of the other higher staff seemed to do. I lived off of the high during my PC time of being promotion to higher staff for two years. That's a long time to still be on a high from being promoted. When I could no longer fulfill that purpose and the role as I thought it should be filled, I did what was right and stepped down from my position.
Then I missed the title and the orange name, and I wanted to come back. So I asked for my position back, and the higher staff - almost all entirely new, bar the admins - granted me my position back. And it just wasn't the same. While I cared for PC and really enjoyed being here (despite my occasional to somewhat frequent complaints about it), I no longer felt like I fulfilled the role that was given to me. I passed on everything, and was a token vote for any change without any thought or reasoning. I realized this, and after a while, I decided to resign.
Thinking back, it makes me really disappointed in myself, because once upon a time, there was a part of me that lived for that kind of discussions and responsibility and accessing that kind of thought pattern that makes critical decisions. And during that time, at least my online life was really, really solid. I really dropped the bar, and let a lot of people down who stood up for me coming back who was there with me during my first tenure on higher staff.
