I did something terrible.
Very rarely is the world painted in clear black and white and you find yourself in a situation where you can finally tell good from bad without second guessing yourself. That's what I was telling myself the last time I was active here and I used it to justify attacking everyone. Looking back it's a bit weird because, though I can sort of understand why I reached that conclusion, I don't understand how I decided the best response to that train of thought would be to undermine relationships I've made here and cut off ties from people I actually cared about. But that's what I did. I guess people are good at plunging into self-destructive fits of outward loathing and introspective hate. And maybe, just maybe it's natural for us to sometimes go crazy thanks to the hormones messing with our bodies - but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have taken a step back, gone out for a walk and returned, mulling over whether or not this was the right path to take. It doesn't mean I should have unknowingly manipulated my friends into taking advantage of me. It doesn't mean I should have fought against something I've been fighting for - for so long.
What I did wasn't right and for that I apologise. Hopefully each and every one of you (even those who I've never spoken to before) will be able to find it in your hearts to forgive me or if that's too dramatic for your taste, will be able to move on with me.
I didn't know what it was about this forum that kept making me come back, from when I was a power-hungry thirteen-year-old to a socially frustrated fourteen-year-old to a hating machine. I figured it was just part of the magic of an internet addiction. Does that mean every poster here is addicted? I thought so. I don't anymore. Now I realise (cue soft, emotional acoustic guitar music) that the magic was right in front of me but maybe I just wasn't old enough to understand that the integrity of a community is what pulls a forum forward. In retrospect, I was fighting the one thing I wished I could understand.
I've never been good at apologising. It's not a position I usually find myself in. I went through my own personal version of a living purgatory a few months ago though and my conscious has been nibbling away at me, telling me to make right what I did wrong. I've been doing that as best I can and I figure the next best step is to set this issue straight here. There are some people I hurt pretty bad when I went crazy and if you never want to see me again, well, I understand. Throw me on your ignore list, I won't judge you for it. Hey, I'm unsure whether I'd let me go, if I was in your positions. But I really am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I was just another teenager in a sea of a hundred thousand anonymous internet IDs trying to find some sense of validation.
So, eh, yeah. I don't even know if I'm back for good or just this. I guess it depends on how all of you feel. I can't think of a cool finishing line. I'm going to stop writing now.