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10 YEARS ON (13)

26
Posts
15
Years
    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    ok due to my poorly written story the untold world which will be finished as soon possible but needs a little bit of editing i thought its a great time to get another fan fic going!

    ok rating is 13 as there is scenes of romance and a bit of strong language (not swearing).

    prolouge:
    ash is now 32 years old and is engaged to ..............(have to read the fic to find out). Brock who is now married to ...............(have to read to find out) sets up a reunion.
    may, ash, misty, max, dawn and brock including jessie, james and tracy.

    chapter 1~ get ready:

    "ok my sweet it's time to leave for pallet town!" brock shouted
    then stumbling down the stairs came a tallish figure which had long redish hair that was kept in a pony tail.
    "ok im ready" misty answered.
    misty grabbed brocks hand and stroked his hair.
    "i really cant wait to see them again" brock said.
    "i wonder what they have been up to" misty answered.

    THE TWO set out into their front garden where they were met psyduck.
    "how are you, are you coming with us?" misty asked
    psyduck danced around the garden happily.
    "have you packed the pokemon and clothes" brock asked
    "yes all done" misty answered
    the two strolled down to the beach front to the edge of the sand where the water meets sand and got out her pokeball.
    "go lapras" misty shouted.
    out came a strong beautiful slender but firm lapras. brock and misty climbed upon the lapras's back.
    "come on psyduck we havent got all day" misty told psyduck.

    Eventually psyduck climbed upon lapras. The trio left the beach and set off to the kanto region. As misty looked back she could only just see hoenn on the horizon.
    "bet you cant wait to see what kanto is like can you" borck asked.
    "no i cant im really glad to go back home for a week" misty answered.
    as darkness fell brock and misty found a small island that was no bigger than the size of a double bed. The two snuggled down together and gentley closed their eyes.

    Hours away in sinnoh dawn was waiting for her train to arrive when she heard
    "under ground trains to kanto have been cancled sorry for the inconvieniece this has caused" the captain spoke.
    Dawns eyes flooded with tear's as she thought she wasnt going to make it. she turned to prinplup and said: "we may have to swim there prinplup".
    prinplup didnt look to bothered by this as they both ran towards to the nearest river. Dawn then remembered that if pokebals are in water the pokemon cannot breath and become sick within the pokeball, "ok come out buneary, ambipon, pachirisu and swinub come on out" dawn said.
    primplup raced ahead but after only 30 minutes of swimming dawn stopped to rest on a quite large rock. "rest here guys until the morning", just then a blow up dingy floated by, "quick guys get it then piplup and ambipom dived in to retrieve the small blow up boat. dawn then decided it would be better to carry on.
    "ok eveyone return apart from prinplup" dawn ordered.
    dawn then slowly just let the boat drift as she fell asleep.

    "Start the engine and lets go" max ordered.
    "ok ok im going" may replied.
    they were in the town of violet city in the johto region. May had recently got her driving permit and they set off towards the giant bridge which i joint up to the north ok kanto.
    "i cant wait" max said. Max had just reached 20 years of age and had already got over 8 degrees and 5 diplomas for math, science and pokemon life. May on the other hand had given up being a pokemon trainer and took up pokemon playgroup which she runs along with her pokemon, she had not had a great couple of years since she left the gang. They had been full of lies and tears, boy friend after boyfriend and being dumped after a day is heart breaking and a misery for her but with max's help she got back on the road to recovery and now is succsessful!
    they were close to the bridge but their was bad traffic, max looked back toward his ralts who was sitting on the back seats and said "i bet they believe how strong you are when they see you".
    "we are going to be late and miss the party and miss al our friends". may paniced!


    floating towards kanto was team rocket in their hot air balloon. Recently they had got married and had a child called carla who was now 2 years old and she was napping at the feet of jessie. the two held hands tighly gazing into eachothers eyes as a persian rose to the top of the basket, it was meowth who had evolved recently aswell. they were close to kanto and night settled in the had to ground about 3 miles off pallet town to rest for the night.

    "ok scyther we are near now venonat lead the way to the nearest pokemon center quick its getting dark and the wood are not a safe place to be on your own" tracey spoke. venonat lead tracey to a pokemon center in lavender town. He wondered in
    "excuse me have you any directions to pallet town im lost" he asked. the receptionist gave him a map which he showed to venonat who ran out the door towards pallet town. Only moments after they returned to the poekmon center to ask for a bed for the night luckily they had 1 spare and they headed to their room.

    ash who is already in pallet town already is just calm and collected with his new girl friend which will be revealed later on!

    end of chapter 1
     
    Last edited:

    Clevink

    Don't mess with Espeon...
    101
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Jul 27, 2014
    I didn't read it, but the first thing you MUST do is fix your grammar. It makes English nerds like me crazy >.<
     

    An-chan

    Whoops.
    642
    Posts
    15
    Years
  • You know, you've really improved. This fic has a lot better stationing and grammar than the other one, and this one's much more original, too. You still have a lot of spelling mistakes and some grammar mistakes, but they're all fixable. You still don't use an awful lot of commas, but you have better sentences now.

    Your characters are a lot better handled now, too. You might want to describe their lives a bit more, but I guess that will come up in later chapters. You might also want to tell a bit more about Carla: does she look like Jessie or James, or is she a mix of those two? Also, you could think about the characters' pokémon a bit, you know, they might have evolved in ten years. Or haven't, that's up to you.

    Have you checked these sites up? They can be of a great help on your quest to become a great writer. Judging how much better this is than The Untold World, you can get even better with some practise. Keep writing, keep practising, and your effort will be rewarded!

    By the way, I have to mention, both your fics have pretty good names. I'm always having trouble with coming up with a good name, but you seem to be good at that!
     

    aceupthesleeve

    [Insert cool user title here]
    22
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Jul 21, 2009
    Capital letters are always important; something I noticed you were lacking immediatly. You need them for the names of pokemon, places, and every time you start a new sentence or somebody new talks.

    Prehaps -like An-Chan said- you might consider giving a bit more of a description on what each character looks like.

    Other than that, you've got a very original concept going here.
     
    26
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    thanks!

    Thanks guys for the info and yes each charaters new life and pokemon will displayed in the next 3 chapters!


    :D
     
    Last edited:
    26
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    chapter 2!

    hello thanks for the comments (this may be a little small but others will be bigger):
    before i start the writing in bold will be misty talking and in itaclic is brock!

    chapter 2
    Misty had just woken up and got lapras out ready for the off once brock woke up. She then read over the ltter from ash:

    hello misty and brock,

    i am inviting you and other to a party as we havent seen eachother for a little while and i thought we could meet up. at the party there will be a small fun tournament which will be tag team.
    love ash x

    Misty was thinking to herself when she said:
    "hey wake up brock" she ordered
    "w..wh..at is it" he replied
    "we have to get ready for our matches i will fight you lets go" she ordered
    "ok but where in the water?" he asked
    "yes" she told him
    "ok then go CROBAT and MARSHTOMP" brock spoke
    "ok then go, STARYU and KINGDRA" misty shouted.

    ok now crobat shadow ball and you marshtomp use muddy water in the water
    now staryu watch out for the shadow ball and use bubble beam while kingdra use flash cannon!
    as the water turned a deep brown colour the moves shadow ball and flash canon came together with no affect to either while bubble beam was pushed aside!
    ok marshtomp time to get going and use tackle and crobat use shadow ball once more!
    get ready kindra, flash canon again and you staryu rapid spin get rid of the mud!
    good move babe but i have the advantage
    another meeting with the shadow ball and flash canon but this time the flash canon won and crobat was forced back into the sea about 50m away!
    what the oh now
    keep batteling on but go dewgong and help crobat! but now kindra you got the upper hand and use hyber beam and you staryu use bubble beam lets go!
    get ready marshtomp dodge them and then swim to the ocean floor!
    marshtomp got out the way in time and swam to the bottom!
    now come up and use mudslap on kindra!
    ok its coming kindra when you see it dodge it!
    just then crobat flew back to the battle!
    return dewgong good job!
    kindra was then hit by marshtomp!
    ok kindra are you ok.......good now use hydro pump and use bubble beam staryu!
    marshtomp watch out use water gun full blast and crobat use shadow ball
    the shadow ball made contact with kindra which knocked it out and misty had to return is and then for marshtomp to be knocked out by the bubblebeam.
    good try marshtomp good job now crobat shadow ball!
    staryu quick!
    it was to late the staryu was knocked out cold and returned.

    "you were great babe" brock said
    "well thanks but we better get going" misty replied
    "ok come on out LAPRAS and you to dewgond!" misty ordered
    "whats dewgong for?" brock asked"
    "its for sudowoodo" she asnwered!

    the group set off with sudowoodo on dewgong and misty and brock hand in hand on lapras with goldeen swiming alongside marshtomp at the back as they float into the horizon in sight of pallet town!
    end of chapter 2
     

    Trainer Kat

    → voodoo jungle d r u m s;;
    1,541
    Posts
    18
    Years
  • before i start the writing in bold will be misty talking and in itaclic is brock!

    Never, never do this. Always indicate speech with quotation marks. Don't be too lazy to type out "Misty said".

    Misty had just woken up and got lapras out ready for the off once brock woke up. She then read over the ltter from ash:

    hello misty and brock,

    i am inviting you and other to a party as we havent seen eachother for a little while and i thought we could meet up. at the party there will be a small fun tournament which will be tag team.
    love ash x

    Pokémon and human names are proper nouns, which mean that they should be capitalized. 'Eachother' isn't a word, it should be 'each other'. And...

    Misty had just woken up and got lapras out ready for the off

    ...huh?

    Misty was thinking to herself when she said:
    "hey wake up brock" she ordered

    You have two indications of speech ('she ordered' and 'she said'). Pick one or the other - just because one's in front and the other's at the end, doesn't mean that it's okay to use both.

    "w..wh..at is it" he replied
    "we have to get ready for our matches i will fight you lets go" she ordered
    "ok but where in the water?" he asked
    "yes" she told him
    "ok then go CROBAT and MARSHTOMP" brock spoke
    "ok then go, STARYU and KINGDRA" misty shouted.

    Capital letters! Always start your sentences with capital letters! The only capital letters I see here are contained in words that are completely capitalized. Also, why would you write speech properly here, and then switch to the bold/italic routine?

    ok now crobat shadow ball and you marshtomp use muddy water in the water

    Could use some punctuation. As it is, it's just a huge string of text.

    now staryu watch out for the shadow ball and use bubble beam while kingdra use flash cannon!

    Attack names should also be capitalized

    as the water turned a deep brown colour the moves shadow ball and flash canon came together with no affect to either while bubble beam was pushed aside!

    It's spelled 'cannon', but since you spelled it correctly in the paragraph preceding this one, I'll assume you knew that.

    get ready kindra, flash canon again and you staryu rapid spin get rid of the mud!

    ...Once again, 'cannon'.

    what the oh now

    ...huh?

    keep batteling on but go dewgong and help crobat! but now kindra you got the upper hand and use hyber beam and you staryu use bubble beam lets go!

    'Battling'.
    'Kingdra'.
    'Hyper'.

    This could be me nitpicking, but if I remember correctly, 'Bubblebeam' is one word.

    marshtomp got out the way in time and swam to the bottom!

    Could use more description here.

    the shadow ball made contact with kindra which knocked it out and misty had to return is and then for marshtomp to be knocked out by the bubblebeam.

    Punctuation!

    it was to late the staryu was knocked out cold and returned.

    'Too'.


    You really need to type this out in Microsoft Word or some other program. Capital letters are a necessity, and yet I see almost none. Description is your friend. Don't be afraid to use it! Paint us a picture with your words - right now, all I see is globs of dialogue. Don't use dialogue to drive your story, it feels as though it's a script, rather than a story.

    Just work at it, and you'll get better. Perhaps find someone to proofread these stories before you post them, whether it's your mom, or someone from PC.
     
    10,177
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen May 15, 2024
    Just so people don't think, "LOL, lazy mod!", I'm stepping in here to say that, matt-man, you have one more chance to make some improvement to your story in some way before it's closed for not meeting the standards of this section. I've been nice to you and gave you these chances to work on your chapters after getting reviews, but so far, I haven't seen any improvement in your grammar/spelling.

    Listen to Trainer Kat's review. Take your time writing your chapter. Get it looked over by anyone to help you correct your mistakes.

    One more chance.
     
    10,177
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen May 15, 2024
    You know, people, seriously. Just because you don't think that matt-man is the best writer ever doesn't mean that his thread is exempt from the rules. This means no one liners about what you didn't like. And this seriously means that there's no insulting him.

    For Christ's sake, read the rules and realize that no one's exempt from them. This means that even if the writer isn't good, you can't say rude things to him. You can't also say "lol story is suck!" and skip off.

    No more one-liners. No more flames. Because this is beginning to annoy me greatly.
     

    Post Office Buddy

    Trapped inside this Octavarium
    476
    Posts
    16
    Years
  • I'm liking the concept here, but your description and grammar could use a little work. This definitely is a lot better than Lost World was, but still, it needs heaps of improvement to really amaze your readers. Remember, your reader wants to be able to envision every important detail of the scene. It is your duty as a writer to give enough detail to imagine the scene.

    If you want, then I can beta-read for you. Just send me a copy of your next chapter via private message and I will reply with a review showing how you can improve it. If you decide you don't want a beta-reader, then please PM me anyway so that I know whether or not to expect a chapter.

    P.S. - If you want a sample of my writing before deciding whether or not to use me as a beta, then check out the FFC I posted a few months ago (you can find the link in my sig.)
     
    26
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    in my defence to trainer kats review:
    'Misty had just woken up and got lapras out ready for the off!

    in my village that is a saying that we say so its a normal thing like asking a persone are you ready for the off? so thats in my defence!

    also i am a native russian speaker so it is hard for me to decribe with out getting lost and also in russian we dont have capitals so i forget im sorry!

    one more thing is that as i find english hard as your word ordering and punchuation is hard! your spelling si the wort langauge also!

    jeffback i will take you up on your ask!
     
    26
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Oct 29, 2008
    ok

    next chapter will be posted to jeffback or an-chan on firday or saturday and then the proper chapter sometime between saturday-monday! :D
     
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